One Slip: A Hard Fall

It had been a magical night. Steve had taken her to the best restaurant in the area, then to intimate dance club. When they finally got to his apartment, he built a roaring fire in his fireplace and they sipped wine and ate snacks while soft music played on his stereo. She had been completely relaxed and not a bit nervous when he led her to his bedroom. There the scent of gardenias overwhelmed her. She had told him that gardenias were her favorite flower but they had been out of season. Somehow, he'd managed to buy a room full.

The bed had dark blue, high weave, silk sheets, and there were candles to provide a soft mellow glow. She'd felt self-conscious about taking off her clothes. Even though he'd touched every part of her body but he'd never seen all of it. The look of appreciation as she'd shed her underwear banished her inhibitions, and ignited a special joy that also cause her wet in readiness.

After helping her between the sheets and then he'd worshiped her body. Kissing and suckling every inch of her, until his mouth was between her legs. As soon his wonderfully flexible parted her nether lips she belonged to him. For the first time in her life, she'd been vocal during an orgasm.

Donna smiled at the memory, her scream caused lights to go on in all the surrounding apartment complexes. Yet, when she had spread her legs for the act, she'd felt more vulnerable, open and naked than she'd thought possible.

In her memory, that moment, when she was spread and available, seemed to have lasted hours. She had been so scared she'd trembled--not at the expected pain, she was a jock, she knew she could handle pain. The reason her whole bottom had contracted in fear was that she didn't know what giving her body to Steve would do to her, and to the 'them' that become so important to her. After an eternity of kissing his way up her body, he was fully over her. He'd kissed her deeply, then reached down and adjusted one leg at a time until that her knees were raised.

Feeling indescribable tension she felt her vaginal lip open, waiting for his first contact. It was such a strange feeling to give him that control over her body. To be forced to wait for him, to be the recipient not the instigator of action. She had also been embarrassed that she didn't know what she was supposed to do with her legs.

She'd felt such a jumble of emotions in the those few seconds. Always excelling at any physical activity, she'd felt intimidated by her ignorance, anxious to experience what was going to happen, but concerned that she not make some sort of gaff. Overlaying all was an burning desire to move to the next stage.

He'd felt her tense and he had smiled gently but hadn't entered her. Instead he'd let his organ slip up and down her more than lubricated sex. It had let her acclimate to the feel of it and to his motion. More importantly, it had put the most unendurable pressure on her clit. It had the quality of taking all her jumbled emotions and thoughts and focusing on that little nexus. Just when she thought she was going to have a second orgasm he guided her hand to it so that she could position him at her center.

Once there she had there, she'd been a bit disappointed as he'd eased himself into her. There wasn't any pain at all, just a wonderful unique fullness. Although she'd concentrated, prepared to minimize her response to the pain for Steve's benefit, she couldn't feel her hymen tearing. It puzzled her, for despite her athleticism, she'd been certain she still had one.

That thought occupied less than a second as she shifted to accommodate him, before she was overwhelmed by the feeling of physical and emotional oneness as she experienced his full length and girth. She remembered the pride that flickered when she knew she accepted all of him. She loved the feel as her vagina stretched to envelope him. Even after the birth of her children, she never felt she could ever accept anything larger, not by so much another millimeter. Using both hands and both legs she had clasp his body to her and wondered if somehow his skin was dissolved into hers.

Steve had remained motionless for the longest time, kissing her and letting her press herself up to him. When he began to move again, Donna hadn't thought she could stand the pleasure. After less than a minute, he'd stopped. For a second she worried that she'd done something wrong or that he was 'finished.' Then he had pulled up from her and his eyes looked deep into her soul. As his movements began again, Donna lost all sense of her body. As intimate as his entry into her, it paled to his possession of her soul through his warm, tender eyes.

Her body responded to his. She was aware of it meeting his thrusts, of her breath becoming ragged as she panted open mouthed. Yet, as intensely as she had wanted to know what making love would feel like, her most intense experience that first time had been giving herself to his eyes.

Then, without warning, but at exactly the right second, he broke eye contact and plunged his mouth to hers, his tongue melding with hers. She hadn't a clue that she'd been approaching an orgasm until it erupted just as his mouth touched hers. She screamed and almost bit his tongue. Her fingers clawed his back and she groaned as her abdominal muscles clenched and spasmed. For the first time she felt her vagina ripple and grasp an organ inside her. Her hands flew from his back to his bottom as she tried to pull more of him into her.

She'd broken their kiss as her lungs burned from lack of air. She'd groaned, every muscle in her body contracted and she arched her neck. She felt that part of Steve inside her twitch. A distant part of her mind wondered that she couldn't actually feel his release deep inside her. The rest of her mind exalted that she'd pleased him that she hadn't felt awkward or clumsy. She saw the pleasure of her in his face and her heart rejoiced that she'd been able to gain his release on her first try.

She had felt his muscles tense again and then relax into her. She treasured her 'lover,' rolling that term in her mind as she had tried to absorb all of him into her body.

An unwanted thought intruded in her cherished reverie. 'That was seventeen years ago, and I can feel it like it was an hour ago. I'm so turned on I can smell it. Yet, I don't remember what Gil felt like inside me at all!'

She was ecstatic that the slim ball had left no impression on her. Her memories of that horrible interlude were mostly of the pictures Gil had forced her to look at. 'I must have been more drunk that I thought.'

To force any remnant of Gil from her mind she began to relive some of the best and most memorable times making lover with Steve, or just raunchy fucking. She'd never attempted to rate their lovemaking and she couldn't now as she reminisced. It was only after she'd relived each of the first attempts to get her pregnant with their three children that she realized just how turned on she was.

Immediately, she realized that if she couldn't rate the best time, she could never remember when she had yearned this much for her husband. She looked at the clock and was appalled to see that over a half hour had passed. At first, she felt a flash of irritation, she wanted her man and he wasn't--she jumped to her feet mid-thought as a horrible fear squeezed her heart. His heart!Oh God what if ...

She dashed to their bedroom already envisioning Steve collapsed or even dead. Certain that the excitement, the prospect of taking her anal virginity, had brought on another massive heart attack, she was terrified!

As she flew through the door, she saw him still calmly sitting up in bed with his laptop. He looked up, saw her naked and growled, "Get some clothes on before you come in here, you damn slut!"

Donna stopped so fast her feet slipped on the hardwood floor. She had to grab the doorframe to keep her balance. As the harsh words penetrated, one hand flew to her mouth to cover her gasp, the other extended as if to block out what he'd said. Then blushing furiously she mumbled, "I was afraid you'd had another attack," and fled almost as fast as she'd rushed in.

When she got back to her room, she collapsed on the floor in big gasping sobs. That he'd just left her kneeling, waiting for him, combined with his tone had driven home, as nothing else could, that he didn't want her. In her heart of hearts, she'd never believed that if she offered anal sex; her life-mate, her lover, the father of her children, the man who had shared her bed for over sixteen years, and who had wanted it for all that time, would turn it down. It had been her final ace. The trump card she had subconsciously been certain would bring Steve back to her bed.

That he didn't want her, even that way hurt, hurt more than anything to this point had. It hurt more than she had thought anything could hurt. It hurt a thousand times more than childbirth, because at the end of was a new death, not a new life. But, her tears weren't for her pain. Her tears were because she now fully understood, at a level she'd never achieved, just how hurt Steve was. As bad as her own pain was, she would have died if she thought she could help relieve even a portion of his pain. How could she have missed how much he'd been suffering the last three weeks?

Donna wasn't a very religious person. She only went to church around Christmas, generally for one of the special music services. In that, she followed the traditions of her parents. She never remembered praying in her whole life.

Getting control of her sobbing, she rose up on her hands and knees and crawled to the end of the bed. She assumed almost the same position that she'd been in before, but now her hands clasped together as she looked up at the ceiling.

With tears running down her cheeks she prayed. She didn't pray for herself, she prayed that God would somehow comfort Steve. She prayed for some idea of how she could help him hurt less.

In her mind, she heard her 'little voice' ask, "Would you really do anything to make him feel better, or is this just more of the same?"

She did a searching self-examination and decided that she was sincere. Her little voice asked again, "Would you divorce him, and walk out with nothing but the clothes on your back and a pair of shoes? Give sole custody of the children, move completely out of their lives? Would you let them all think of you as someone who had died?"

"Oh God!" she murmured, "Please not that!" But the question swirled around and around in her head. "Do you love him enough to absolutely put him and his needs first with no thought of what you need or want?"

She never knew how long she knelt there. She never told anyone that she'd prayed. She certainly never told anyone that after interminable agony, she'd whispered "Yes, Oh God help me, Yes, if that's what it take even that."

Whether it came from God or self-understanding, Donna felt a certain peace as she put on her nightgown and crawled into her lonesome bed. She was almost asleep when Steve turned on the light. She sat up, and waited expectantly.

"Donna, I need to apologize for what I called you, I know you weren't trying anything when you came in like that. I was upset with myself for not coming in here earlier and telling you that I wasn't going to --- do anything. I couldn't do it. It would be like cheating on my marriage if I really did pretend you were someone else. I'm not going to do that. Cheat. When the time comes, I want to be able to tell the kids that I never broke my vows. I knew I wasn't coming here when I heard you cleaning up in the bathroom. I should have come and said something, but then I was afraid that if I saw you bent over like that --- I'm sorry, I thought I might get sick at my stomach again."

He turned to leave and Donna said, "Steve, I need to apologize too. I didn't understand. IWAS trying to lure you earlier, and that was wrong. I want you more than I ever have. I'm not sorry that I want you I never will be. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's my fault that you don't feel the same way. In all the years I've known you, you've never called me a name. I've earned that one, I just want you to know that when I came running back, I was scared to death for your heart. I wasn't trying to entice you then. If I ever forget and try to manipulate you again, you have my permission to remind me and I promise I'll stop. I love you Steve, I won't ever try to trick you again.

Steve gave her a hard look, then with a quick nod, turned, and closed the door behind him.

Donna took a deep breath, and once again, she whispered, "Yes God, if that's what it take even that."

Friday

Donna had achieved a certain peace with her decision last night. She still got up early to put her makeup on and have her hair fixed before emerging from the guest suite. She fixed breakfast for everyone. Then, after getting the children off for school and making sure they had what they needed for their weekend with her parents, she'd cleaned the kitchen and started on the rest of the house while she waited for Steve to emerge and start "the Talk."

He'd gone into his home office right after breakfast and even before all this started Donna only disturbed him there if it was a minor emergency. As lunchtime approached, Donna knocked gently on the door and said, "Would you like me to plan on lunch before we get started?"

"No, I'm not hungry and I figure that's only going to get worse, you might as well come on in, I'm about done anyway."

Entering the room Donna understood what it felt like to be called into the principal's office. Steve's desk faced a window overlooking their pool, with a nice view of their backyard. He had swiveled his chair around so that he had his back to the desk and faced the door.

Steve's office was a wonderful dichotomy of antique furniture and the latest computer and communication equipment. It had everything that a professional might want or need in an office--except an extra chair. Normally Donna hated to talk to Steve in his office; it had always made her feel like a supplicant. She was vaguely amused that as a supplicant the lack of a chair didn't bother her.

Steve's piercing eyes touched her core and she stood straight as he examined her. Finally, his eyes narrowed and he uttered the one word that had hung over them like the sword of Damocles for the last three weeks. "Why?"

Donna squared her shoulders, looked back at him, "You don't know how hard this is for me. It's not that I don't want to explain, it's that I don't want what I say to even hint that I'm trying to make any sort excuse. I've had to spend a lot of time in self-examination. I needed to find out why I did what I did. It is the only way I can make certain that it never happens again. There are reasons, but there are no excuses for what I did, I know the difference. I finally decided the best way to answer is to lay them out one at a time and at the same time tell you what I'm going to do to make sure that particular reason will never exist again. All I ask is that you let me finish. If you want to take my head off after I say how I'm going to fix it, don't hesitate, just remember that I'm not trying to justify what I did."

She paused and studied Steve. He was a perfect image of a conflicted man. She could see his pain, but she also saw what she had yearned to see, he was hopeful. He wanted her somehow to make it better. He hadn't given up on her yet. Paradoxically it made her more, not less nervous. There was so much riding on this weekend.

Looking straight into Steve's eyes, trying to convey that she was being as honest as she could be, she said, "I want to start with what I think are the least important reasons and work up."

Steve nodded and Donna continued, "I was horny, it was our regular play night and I was pissed that you couldn't take me to the party." She could see Steve's face cloud up but before he could explode she continued, "Steve, that's just a fact and it's a fact that I didn't cheat every time I was horny, mad at you, and you weren't available. I just mention ..."

Anger soaking each word Steve growled, "And how the hell am I supposed to know that? You got caught this time, but how am I supposed to believe that you haven't cheated on me a million times?"

Donna had known this was coming and had though about it for a long time. "You know because you have my word, and I've never lied to you. I didn't lie to you about Gil either. I've destroyed your trust in my behavior, but by my actions you also know that I didn't ..."

Steve shouted, "You didn't say anything about what you'd done until he tried to blackmail you, that's not telling the truth!"

Still, staring him straight in the eye but utterly calm Donna said, "Steve, you know by what I did that I had no intention of ever cheating with Gil again. If I had, he wouldn't have tried to blackmail me. As to why I didn't come right back and tell you, that would have been cruel. Gil was your best friend. I had made a horrible mistake. If you think back, you'll remember how many times you asked me what was wrong after the party and before I told you. You saw me crying and you tried several times to get me to tell you what was wrong. You've never seen me like that before in our marriage when I wouldn't talk to you about it. If you'd asked I would have told the truth, but even though I didn't understand just how much my cheating would hurt you, of course I knew it would. I saw it as my duty to suffer in silence and not burden you with my guilt. All the advice columnists, even Dr. Laura says that if it's a one time thing with no chance of repeating that you just have to live with your guilt."

Donna waited in silence as she watched Steve absorb her last statement. As seconds dragged into minutes, she was certain that he was thinking back to the way she'd acted not just those few days, but over their whole marriage. Finally, she could see some of the anger drain from Steve. When he spoke his voice was calm. "I didn't really believe that you'd cheated on me before, but does that make a difference? You've killed my trust and there's this huge hole in my life."

Donna took a deep breath; she was almost overwhelmed with the need to take Steve in her arms and try to comfort him. Instead, she said, "If wishes were horses then beggars would drive BMWs. I haven't said this, I think you know how sorry I am, and I will do absolutely anything to try to make your life easier. I can't just say I'm sorry, I have to be willing to sacrifice anything to fill that hole for you ..."

Steve face turned red and he snapped, "A little anal sex won't do a damn thing!"

Still standing straight Donna said calmly, "I know that, and my offer isn't just sexual. It was a sexual act that caused the hurt, but I do understand that our problems are much bigger than sex. I've apologized about the other night, I wasn't fair, but I will not apologize about wanting you. I have Eve's curse in the worst way and that's one of the pains I'm having to deal with."

Steve blinked several times, clearly so confused that his anger was momentarily forgotten. Donna smiled, "I started reading the Bible, don't ask why, it's just something I wanted to do and this morning I read that Eve's punishment for the whole apple thing was that childbirth was going to hurt like hell, which should have been enough, but even knowing how much it hurt her she was still going to 'desire her husband.'"

Donna saw Steve's incredulity and quickly added, "No, I haven't turned into some sort of fundamentalist, but I need to change who I was. That was the next reason and I'll tell you about how I'm going to fix them together. You see, one of the reasons I failed you was that I didn't think it was possible for me to cheat. I had never had the slightest desire for anyone other than you. I loved that you were my 'only' and frankly I took some pride in the fact that I 'got it right' with my first and only man. They say pride goes before the fall and that was certainly true in my case. Anyway, my solution to those 'reasons' are the same. I am going to try to be a more spiritual person, but I'm also going to make damn sure that I'm never alone with another man when I'm feeling horny."