I was waking up later and later, and that meant that I was going to sleep later each night. I had lost my job at a music store and intended to get another job as soon as possible, but was having a hard time motivating myself. My unemployment was running out. I had it very easy there, without really having to do much but look like the cool girl with big tits. They really aren't that big, but I accentuated them with a padded bra. It made me feel so girly to know I could make men stare at them, and sometimes make them blush when I caught them looking at my boobs.
The store was downsizing, and they were going to have fewer people do more work. They were apologetic when they informed me that I was being let go, and they told me that if anything were to open up, I would be on their short list to be rehired. I caught my boss looking at my chest as though he were going to miss it more than the sum of me.
I was not happy when I left the store for the last time.
I found myself spending less time looking for a job, and instead was slacking off. I was retreating into a boozy haze of long nights and forgotten days.
I had never enjoyed drinking, and as far as the taste goes, I still don't, but what I did enjoy was passing out. I liked the thought of ready-made sleep in a bottle of wine. I got addicted to the quick fade that comes after drinking too much. I was also getting used to the crappy feeling in the morning, or afternoon for that matter. My body was getting comfortable with having alcohol in its system.
I was fortunate that my boyfriend Michael understood the funk I was in. He had a very busy sales job. He would offer me words of encouragement and suggested to me that I should go back to school and finish up my education. I agreed with him, but didn't have the guts to tell him that while I was at college my grades were horrible. I spent most of the time partying and waking up with strange guys. Although, I must admit, they were mostly cute guys. I felt special, even though I knew I was being used by them. I look back with envy at the girl I used to be.
Michael didn't complain that I didn't sleep in the same bed as him, but I could tell he was constantly horny for me. I was just not in the mood for sex with him. I felt like shit. When I looked in the mirror I saw someone who is normally pale, looking even whiter. I was winter white in the middle of summer. I was afraid to go on the scale, but I could tell I had put on between 10 and 15 pounds. The weight was distributed through-out my body so I didn't look fat, but my average sized body was starting to look chubby.
I am of average height and have a nice full butt with some jiggle to it. I present myself as having large boobs with the help of padded bras, but they are really only 36 C's. My boobies have some bounce to them. I have short dark hair and brown eyes. I don't like to think of myself as gothic, but my pale skin and dark hair, along with wearing dark clothing most of the time, casts me in the that role. I am in my mid-twenties and am stuck in some past rut of angst.
"Do you want to go out to dinner tonight?" Michael asked me.
I shook my head. I had only been up a couple of hours and did not feel like rushing to get ready to go out. He looked disappointed but did not say anything.
"We do have that picnic tomorrow we have to go to. It's the company outing. You are going to go to that with me, right?" He said.
"I don't know. It is so early. Isn't it?" I said.
"Jenny, it's early because it is a picnic. I need my girl there." He said.
"I look fat." I said.
I could see that he wasn't disagreeing with me. His eyes looked worrisome. Was he imagining having to finish things up with me?
"Please let me know by tonight. I love you." He said.
"I will, Michael." I said.
Michael came over and sat down next to me. He put his hand on my pajama pants and squeezed my thigh. Did he think I was too fat? He moved in to kiss me. He started nibbling on my neck. I felt disgusted by him. I had not even showered. The only thing that I could think of was being away from him as soon as possible. I wanted to go to the bar and let older men buy me drinks. I didn't want to be near him.
"Honey, we can do this later. I promise." I said.
I quickly went into the bathroom and ran the shower. I spent 15 minutes looking into a foggy mirror before deciding to step into the shower. I took 30 more minutes getting the stench of pajama off of me. I wanted to feel clean for the bar. When I finally stepped out, he was gone. I guessed he decided to go to dinner alone. I was relieved.
I put on a flower print dress and white pumps. I wanted to feel different, not so melancholy. I grabbed my purse and headed to the bar. I usually visited a dive bar with a clientele of more than a few older men who appreciated the company of a younger woman. I didn't think I was in any shape to be able to compete for the attention of young men with girls my age. I felt so bloated and unattractive amongst people my age. I found a seat at the corner of the bar, after walking in with all the confidence I could muster. I said hello to a couple of the regulars who knew me. The only waitresses working nodded hello to me.
I lit a cigarette and waited for the bartender to walk over to me. He gave me a few moments to attract someone to buy me a drink. Sure enough, a man dressed in a decades old style walked over and offered to buy me a drink. He was around 50 years old. I was calculating if he was a candidate for keeping me company. I decided to put him in the maybe pile.
''Funny weather we've been having." He said.
"Yes." I said.
I knew to keep my answers brief, let him think he was doing all the thinking.
Most of the guys in the bar were hardcore city men. I felt a little nervous being there by myself. I was certain I had a death wish. The reason I chose this bar, was that I used to occasionally visit it with some of my former co-workers at the end of the day to unwind some. I always enjoyed the vibe there. The proximity to the music store made it a perfect hang-out even though it was in an unsafe neighborhood.
There was a guy of about 40 years of age who always sat at a booth by himself. He looked lonely, as though he carried a lifetime of hurt with him. I was intrigued by him, but was afraid to approach him. He looked very tough and not prone to niceties.
After a few drinks, I started to feel loose. I walked over to the jukebox that was playing some love ballad and seductively pressed my body against it as if I was having sex with it. I looked over my shoulder to see if anyone was looking at me. There were a couple of hungry eyes trained on me, but nothing too impressive. After a while a group of women walked in. They were a little older than me and were dressed in clothes that showed plenty of tanned skin. I could feel my status drop.
My suitor from earlier still held by my side, and I let him buy me a few more drinks. He said his name was Bill and he was lonely all the time. I smiled at him as though to tell him that was not something I was interested in.
"It looks like a heat wave is coming." He said.
"Yes." I said.
"Are you a fan of baseball?" He asked.
"Sometimes I am." I said.
Vague answers are best.
"I like going often. Maybe we can catch a game."
"That sounds interesting." I said.
I was sipping my drinks slowly. I still needed to be able to drive myself home. I was going to drink myself to sleep afterwards. I was enjoying the attention even though I was not going to let it proceed. He had that desperation I liked in guys. I had always enjoyed making men hungry then leaving them to wonder what it would be like with me.
I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I took my time in there and then slipped out quietly when a new crowd of people came into the bar. I was careful walking back to my car. There was a dangerous feel to the night air. I was tingling with a mix of fear and satisfaction.
When I got home around one in the morning, Michael was asleep. I looked in the refrigerator for the leftovers he had brought back from his night out: Chinese food. I also opened a bottle wine, and that led to another bottle.
The next day, I woke up to the noise Michael was making while he made lunch for himself. I felt horrible. My stomach was sour and my vision was blurry. I was still wearing the dress from the night before.
It took me a moment to realize it was Saturday.
"Good morning." He said, without a hint of sarcasm.
"Hey." I said.
I knew the rent was due soon, and that meant he was going to want to fuck me, knowing I was not going to deny him. I saw him looking at my legs.
"I didn't know you were going out last night." He said.
"I just went to see my friend Jane." I said.
I didn't know anyone named Jane.
I could tell he didn't believe me. He continued to look at my legs. I felt him go into stalker mode. He was going to wait me out and corner me somewhere and fuck me, knowing I had no choice but to let him. Didn't he know I was feeling crappy? How could he think of me as his queen?
"What do you have planned today?" He asked.
"I don't have anything planned." I said.
"You know what I miss most?"
"I miss smelling your perfume in the morning. I liked that you left for work before me and smelled the bathroom up with your girly smells. I miss that."
I just looked at him and didn't answer him. I wondered if that was his way of telling me to get a job, or was he really into my perfume.
The day felt like it was too far along to catch up to it. I was probably going to wash up and then figure out how I was going to drink myself to sleep. I was counting on him going out with his friends.
Michael faded away it seemed, so I decided to go into the bathroom to shower. He must have heard me moving because he was on me instantly. He wasn't rough with me, but he was not going to take any excuse I might have offered. He was behind me, but his hands were in front of me. He felt my torso and kissed my neck. I did not want any part of him, but relented. I knew the little I did give him was enough to last him a good time.
His hands were feeling my tits. I felt them unworthy of attention. My head spun a little. I felt a touch of nausea. I stood there and let him use me. His hand reached under my dress. I wasn't wearing panties. His hand was slow to play with my pussy. I felt dry down there. I moaned, but not from pleasure. Part of me wanted to be sick all over the sink just to get him off me.
He was trying his best to get my nipples to a state of hardness. His breathing was tiresome as usual. He made it seem like we were so passionate.
I felt his penis enter me. He was able to coax enough wetness from me to make it tolerable. I was tired of his average sized dick that rarely got me off. I could not remember the last time a man had given me an orgasm. He was so fucking gentle with me. Maybe a little bit of force would have given me some pleasure, but no. He never changed from his routine: grab Jenny's melons, finger her pussy for all of two seconds then fuck her.
I moaned some more. I felt as though I needed to lie down. He was doing his best to get himself off. I only felt a little guilty for not participating more. I knew he worshiped me, and this was enough to satisfy him.
I used to appreciate the role of the one being worshiped, it made me feel transcendent. I viewed my life more abstractly when I first had those feelings. Losing my job diminished my self-worth.
"I love you so much, Jenny." He said, as he exited me.
I feigned satisfaction to let him know that I was aware he fucked me. Although, if I felt nothing during our time together, was it still fucking?
I needed to go to the bar, whether or not he was going to be home. I showered and put on a black blouse and black skirt. I had on a pair of black ballerina shoes. I needed to get out of the house. I was telling myself that I needed to get to bed earlier, that waking up so late in the afternoon was not healthy. But I was also telling myself that after being gently fucked, I needed to get out of the house. I wanted more than his gentle humping.
I angled into the bar and saw a few familiar faces. The tough guy in the booth was there. For the first time he looked my way and we made eye contact. There was something distant, almost sad about his countenance. I sat down to be in view of him. There was an intrigue about him.
Bill came over to me and told the bartender to get me whatever I wanted. I smiled at him and we made pleasant talk about the weather. I wanted to tell him that the current wave of humidity made me sweat and made me feel sticky.
Before long I had to go to the bathroom. I tried to time it with a cool song. I moved past he pool players and walked by the sad man in the booth. He looked up and mouthed something. I kept on walking to the bathroom. He made me a little nervous. I looked in the mirror and tried to find the confidence I had been lacking lately. I was standing next to a tanned blonde that was snorting coke. She looked very sexy in a short white mini dress. I felt lessened by our images that reflected in the mirror. There was no comparison.
As I headed back to my spot at the bar, the man at the booth gestured for me to sit down. I was going to sit across from him, but he motioned for me to sit next to him. I did so.
"I was trying to get your attention earlier." He said.
His voice matched his tough persona.
"I didn't see you." I said.
"My name is Jake by the way."
"Hello, Jake. I am Jenny." I said.
The loud music made have to lean in to him.
"I know your name. Bill told me. I have been watching you for a while now."
I felt a little apprehensive when he said that. I think he noticed that.
"I only meant that you stand out. Very pretty girl." He said.
He didn't look so sad up close. He looked to be in his mid-forties and was still very much a man who appeared to get things done. His eyes were light blue and although they seemed kind, they had an unstable quality.
We chatted for another minute or so before he really surprised me.
"I will pay you for oral sex." He said.
He did not believe in dancing around the issue.
I was immediately embarrassed. He paused as if to give me a few moments to think about his proposition. I actually did need money if I was going to continue slacking off. I dreaded the thought of going to Michael for liquor money after my unemployment ran out. A little money might prolong the unproductive phase I was going through.
"Take your time." He said.
I think he sensed I was not opposed to his proposition.
"We're talking about just oral?" I said.
"Yes." Jake said.
I waited a minute before saying anything. I had already decided to do it, but didn't want to seem too desperate. I looked away for a moment. Bill was watching us out of the corner of his eye. I was about to walk out on Bill again.
"I'll do it." I said.
"Good. We can go to the motel down the road. Follow me in your car." Jake said.
"Sure." I said.
I left my unfinished drink and left with Jake. I was a little buzzed, but felt I was well aware of what was happening. I followed Jake in my car to the motel. I waited in my car while he paid for the room. When he came out of the office he went back into the trunk of his car and got out a plastic bag.
"We're just a few steps over there." He said.
I followed him. He opened the door and we went inside. The room was dimly let. The carpeting smelled of drunken behavior. The walls needed new paint and there were noises coming from the nearby rooms. My personal safety radar was going up. I was a little nervous of the area, but felt nearly safe with Jake. The part of me that did not feel safe was regretting being there.
He opened the bag he had brought. Inside was a bottle of liquor.
"Let's take care of first things first." He said.
Jake handed me the money we agreed on.
"Thank you." I said.
I had actually wondered if he was going to pay me before or after. I was now paid and had to perform. Then it dawned on me that I didn't really like giving head and was not very good at it. I rarely let Michael put his cock in my mouth.
He poured a couple of drinks into paper cups and handed one to me. I hesitated at first. I had a feeling it was going to taste very strong, probably stronger than anything I was used to. I was right. It tasted like pure alcohol to me.
"Wow. " I said.
"Just go slow, Jenny." He said.
Jake took a big drink from his cup and didn't even wince. I couldn't even see the cup because his hands were so large. It was as though he were drinking from his hand.
He slowly took off his sports coat. He removed his shoes then started to unbutton his pants. Not waiting for any sign from me, he was now standing in his boxers.
"Do you want me to take my top off?" I said.
"Yeah, go ahead. Let me see those titties." He said.
I took off my blouse and felt my breasts jiggle. I then undid my bra and felt them drop. I touched my stomach as if running my hand across it would flatten it out. It was of no use. I felt fat. I briefly thought of Michael and where he could have been, then decided I was doing this of my own volition and didn't need to concern myself with thoughts of a boyfriend.
"Thought they were bigger, but not bad sweetie." He said.
"Thank you." I said.
He came over to me and placed his thumb and forefinger on my right breast. His fingers were rough and felt like sand paper on them. They felt sensitive for the first time ever. Michael had never made me feel such delight from just the touch of his fingers.
"I want you on your knees." He said.
I got on down on the ground immediately. My knees were bare and hurt on the rough carpet.
"This carpet is rough on my knees." I said.
"Well, let me see what I can do. I need you on your knees." He said.
Jake went over to the bed and got me a thin pillow. He tossed it on the ground in front of me.
"Will that help?" He said.
I put the pillow under my knees. It was an improvement.
"Yes. Thank you." I said.
He lowered his boxers. I was face to face with his piece of meat. There was no other way to describe it.
"Wow." I said.
The thing was only half hard yet appeared bigger than what I was used to.
I grabbed it with my fingers and could feel it grow. I opened my mouth and went to work. He moaned. I had been paid and now needed to take care of business. Jake stiffened up rather quickly. I felt that I was with a real man for the first time ever. The college boys I knew who had aspired to coolness, and sensitive Michael, were no match for this beast.
Totally unexpectedly and frighteningly so, the door opened and in walked Bill. He was holding a drink in his hand. The drink I had left at the bar.
"You left without finishing your drink, Jenny." He said.
I mumbled something. I still had dick in my mouth.
"I'm impressed Jake. You got this fine young thing on her knees."
"You want at it." Jake said.
I looked up to him and instantly knew they had conspired beforehand to get me into a cheap motel room and have their way with me. I pulled my mouth back and let his piece out.
"I came here with you." I said to Jake.
"Shut up." He snapped. "You have been paid."
"Let's not scare our girl here. I'll pay whatever he did." Bill said.
Bill knelt down and put his hand on my ass. I moved to get up but was smacked on the mouth by Jake. Bill tried to calm me. His hands were exploring under my skirt. He started to tug on my panties and pulled them down. I felt overpowered and went along. His hands were just as big as Jakes. He eased his rough fingers into my pussy and started getting familiar with me.
Bill took off my shoes. I was barefoot now.
"These smell so good." Bill said.