Oregon Coast Ch. 03

Ever get the feeling that no matter how hard you try, things always go wrong? I've tried to understand women ever since I figured out that they were different from me, and it usually ends in disaster. The worst was the time my brother John and I had some girls over to hang around the pool while work was underway on Mom's new formal garden. I noticed that the workers were talking to each other in Spanish, and I tried to make the girls laugh by doing my best impression of Speedy Gonzales.

I guess the bikinis and smell of coconut oil made me stupid, and I didn't see Dad walking by. Next thing I knew I was standing in front of the desk in his study getting the lecture about how belonging to a wealthy family didn't make me better than anyone else, and Dad wasn't raising any racist snobs. Then I found myself on a plane to Alaska, and ended up the only Anglo on a fish cannery crew. I learned that those Mexicans were actually really decent guys, and that it doesn't pay to act like a snob.

It took a while to get John to stop calling me "Dumb Dave" after that one. Even then, I lived in fear that it would start up again with some of the things I got involved in. Every time I got around a pretty girl my brain and/or tongue seemed to shut down, and I ended up making a fool of myself. I bought a Porsche 911 hoping that it would make me a little more impressive to girls, and found that the type of girls it impressed weren't the type I wanted. I learned that one the hard way, too.

I met Brandi ("with an I") one day at Washington Park as I was tossing my stuff in the trunk after a tennis match. Brandi was impressed enough by my Porsche to walk up and start chatting with me, one thing led to another and I asked her out. We went out a couple times, and it went well enough that I asked her over to our house one night when Mom was having a party and I needed a date. Brandi had always struck me as a cute, quiet, demure type, and I was really expecting that for once I was going to look like I knew what I was doing with women. That lasted into her fourth or fifth mimosa, maybe fifteen minutes after we arrived. An hour after our arrival, I'm not sure if the caterers or Mom were getting more worried. Then Brandi somehow decided that she had to demonstrate her pole dancing skills on one of the light poles by the pool. The dress she was wearing, while a little short, had appeared appropriate when I picked her up. It was less so when she was hanging by her ankles from a light pole above the crowd's heads. I doubt she remembers what she looked like with her white butt in a leopard print thong hanging in the air like a second moon, but I'm sure no one else who was there has forgotten the sight! Mom was furious and that, I thought, was the last of my relationship with Brandi.

Then, a couple weeks later, Brandi called me and announced that she was pregnant. OK, there had been that one incident in the passenger seat of the Porsche way out in the woods, but even I know enough to take precautions in that kind of situation. Still, she was claiming that I was the only possibility and demanding that I start kicking in child support. Dad was pissed, but he doesn't let that stop him from protecting the family. Before long, his private investigator reported that "Brandi" (a stage name, apparently) had been snorting cocaine and pulling the train with various alleged musicians the whole time she had been dating me, and that there were, to put it mildly, many possible fathers. John and his buddy Brian went and had a private talk with her, and that was the last of that. Dad threatened to have me gelded if I ever got into a situation like that again, though, and I believed him!

After the Brandi incident I decided to forget about women for a while and concentrate on work. The company computer systems were a hodgepodge of various types of hardware and software, half of which couldn't communicate with the other half, and they badly needed an overhaul. Computers are logical and do what you tell them to, and I get along with them a lot better than women. After nine months of hard work everyone was telling Dad how much easier I had made their jobs, and the productivity figures were way up. I had the Brandi incident pretty much lived down.

It was during that period that Brian and Jennifer got married. I had known Jen for a while through John and, like every other man she knew, had a small crush on her. Hey, she looks like Cindy Crawford's blue eyed sister and acts like one of the guys- how could I resist? She always seemed out of my league, though, and treated me like a little brother. Frustrating, but there it was. Anyway, after she met Brian, you couldn't have proved by her that any other man in the world even existed. Brian was openly crazy about her, and while she was more subtle, you could tell it was mutual. Besides, as gentle and easygoing as he is, Brian has always intimidated me a little. He's an extremely large individual and carries battle scars he picked up in Afghanistan, although he rarely talks about it. There are rumors that he picked up some medals there, too, although he will only admit to a "purple Talibani marksmanship award", whatever that is. I never had any hope of beating him out for Jen, but I wouldn't have felt safe trying.

Not long after the wedding, John started dating Jen's housemate Lydia. Lydia teaches high school English and tends to dress like a Goth, which doesn't completely hide the fact that she's just as pretty as Jennifer. She's an incredibly nice girl and always seemed interested in how my life- especially my love life- was going. Back to being every pretty girl's little brother, I guess. I could have easily developed a mini-crush on her too, but the Man Code puts my brother's girl as far off limits as it possible to get- as if she would ever have even looked at another man anyway! That situation took its natural course, and before I knew it they were planning another wedding.

One day Jen and Lydia showed up at my office and announced that they were taking me to lunch, no matter how much I protested that I needed to monitor the SQL dump I had running. Lydia always goes straight to the point.

"You know our housemate Karen?"

Of course I knew who she was. Small, blonde, curvy, and extremely cute, with a feisty attitude twice as big as she is. I found her highly intriguing, but I rarely got over there and of course couldn't think of anything intelligent to say when I did see her.

"What about her?"

"She's going to be a bridesmaid in Lydia and John's wedding. We want you to escort her to the pre-wedding functions."

"When I agreed to be a groomsman, no one said anything about that!"

"What are you complaining for? She's beautiful!"

"Can't deny that. It's just that every time I bring a girl home it turns into a disaster, and if I do something stupid with one of your best friends at my brother's wedding I'm going to get sent to the loony bin once and for all."

They gave each other one of those female looks that would have had any sensible man scrambling for the next plane to Vladivostok. Jen took over.

"Dave?"

"Yes?"

"We think it's time for your luck to change. You're actually a decent guy, aside from the natural male tendency to get blinded by a big set of boobs. Don't look at Lydia like that, big boobs don't automatically mean a girl's stupid."

"I'm not-"

"Never mind. Your problem is that you can't tell a bimbo from a quality girl. We're picking you out a girl we know for certain is no bimbo. Give this a chance."

"Do I have any choice about it?"

In unison:

"NO!"

Well, hell, they had a point: there are worse problems than being forced to escort a cute, classy girl to some elegant parties. Might as well accept my fate like a man.

When I arrived to pick up Karen for the first party, Jennifer looked me over critically while I waited for Karen to finish getting ready.

"Not bad, not bad...Thanks for getting a haircut like I asked...if you're going to wear a tux, though, we need to work on getting the bow tie straight..."

She made some adjustments to the tie and cummerbund and reached up to straighten my hair a little.

"Jen, come on, I'm old enough to dress my wharble wharble gurk..."

I had just seen Karen coming down the stairs. Maybe a blonde in strapless black silk sounds like a cliché, but if she knows how to pull it off- and Karen sure did- the effect is stunning. Jen glanced over her shoulder.

"Deep breath, Dave! Take a deep breath!"

I did. She looked up at me, amused.

"She's just a girl, Dave!"

"She's a goddess!"

"No, she's not. Just relax and be yourself and things will go fine. Did you think about some stuff to talk about like I told you?"

"Uh, yeah, I've got the list here someplace..."

"Gimme that!"

Karen glided over to us and gave me a friendly smile.

"Hi, Dave! You're right, Jen, he does clean up pretty good!"

"Uhhhh..."

"What my idiot adopted brother-in-law is trying to say, Karen, is that you look amazing. Which you do. Right, Dave?"

"Yeah, right, you really do."

Karen put on a terrible imitation of a Southern accent.

"This old rag? Why, aren't you just the sweetest thing!"

We all cracked up, and I got a feeling that this might actually work out.

"OK, you two kids get out of here. Brian's coming by here to pick me up and I want some private time since I haven't seen him all day."

"Newlyweds! Sheesh!"

"Don't knock it if you haven't tried it, Dave! Just go!"

When we got out to my car Karen looked it over casually.

"This the turbo version?"

"No, normal fuel injected."

"Yeah, my brother had a 911 Turbo for a while. I thought the turbo made it even twitchier coming out of corners, but he liked it."

"You used to race sports cars?"

"He did. I just drove it for fun and helped him navigate for a couple rallies."

"Not any more?"

"He took a job back East."

I opened the door for her.

"Not exactly designed for girls in dresses, are they? Give me a hand here."

Her tiny hand almost disappeared in mine, but I could definitely feel some muscle in it. Not to mention what felt like an electric shock running up my arm. From the look in her eyes when she glanced up after getting safely settled in my passenger seat, she felt something too.

"Thanks."

I thought I heard a slight tremor in her voice, but I told myself it was just wishful thinking.

The conversation kept going fairly well as we drove out to the country club. She knew enough about computers to at least ask a couple intelligent questions about my job, and knew even more about Porsches. At the party, she chatted easily with the older women about their gardens, knew how the Blazers were doing, and complimented Mom on having such polite sons. She fended off one of the older men who had had too much to drink without my help and waltzed smoothly with Doc Miyahara, who she seemed to know from somewhere. Basically, the whole room was eating out of her hand. After dancing with me for a while, she pulled me out on a balcony to cool off and catch some fresh air.

"You know Doc M?"

"Sure, I work at OHSU. Didn't you know that?"

"Somehow no one told me. I should have asked earlier, I guess. What's the story with Doc?"

"What do you mean?"

"He seems like such a shy, quiet guy, but Brian and all the veterans they hang out with treat him like some sort of hero. I asked him once what he did over there, and all he said was that he did his job like everyone else."

"That's what he always says. He saved Brian's life after he got shot, and saved a lot of other lives too. There's a Silver Star hanging in a corner of his office at the hospital."

"A Silver Star? What's that?"

"A medal two steps down from the Medal of Honor. They treat him like a hero because that's what he is."

"Wow. You'd never know it, would you?"

"That's how he likes it."

"So what do you do there?"

"I'm a surgical nurse."

"How did you get into that?"

The conversation flowed from there into our histories and hopes for the future, and before we knew it the catering staff was shutting things down. I tucked her back into the 911 and drove her home. I had to park a block and a half from her house, so I got out and walked her to her porch. The sidewalks are uneven around there, and she was clinging to my arm as she negotiated them in her high heels. I stopped at the bottom of her porch steps, not sure if she wanted me to follow her or not. Her hand slid down my arm and slowly slid through my fingers as she stepped up onto the first step.

"Well, good night..."

She turned to me. The step brought her eyes up to the level of my shoulders. She reached up to straighten my tie again.

"Dave?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks for taking me. I had a great time with you tonight, and I can't wait to do it again."

"Well, there's that garden party in a few weeks..."

"Kind of thick, aren't you? Let me spell it out: if you were to call me up before then and ask me on a date, just the two of us doing something together, I'd jump at the idea."

"That's the best idea I've heard in a long time!"

"Act on it, then."

Her hands slid onto my shoulders and her head tilted a little.

"Here's another good idea for you to act on..."

Her lips were soft and warm, and her small body fit snugly into my arms. If I thought I had ever kissed a woman before, it was nothing compared to this. Way too soon she gently pushed my shoulders back.

"I'm going to call it a night, Dave. Tonight really was fun. Call me."

She disappeared into the house. My feet must have touched the ground as I walked back to my car, but I felt like I was floating all the way back to my apartment.

The first call the next morning was from Mom.

"Where did you find that lovely young woman you brought to the party last night?"

"Jennifer and Lydia set it up. She's a friend of theirs."

"I swear I'm going to adopt those two."

"One's already a daughter in law and the other's about to be."

"Not only are two of my boys settled down with absolutely charming girls, they're working on finding another for the third. Daughter in law doesn't seem like enough."

"Calm down, Mom, it was just a first date. It went great, but don't start planning another wedding yet."

"Went well, please. I didn't raise you to abuse the English language. She's not some awful drunken gold digger, and for you that's a major improvement. You can't blame me for getting my hopes up."

"Are you ever going to forget that?"

"As soon as you're settled down with a girl like Jen or Lydia, I'll stop worrying."

"Fine, Mom, whatever. We still on for dinner Sunday?"

"Of course. Why don't you bring Karen?"

"Because she'll think I'm insane if I bring her to dinner with the family after one date. Don't worry, it's not like I need encouragement to see her again."

"Good, I won't worry. I have to go, there's Jennifer on the other line!"

Great, my love life was being dissected and planned without me. So far, though, the results were looking damn good.

The next Saturday I took Karen for a hike and a picnic lunch at Multnomah Falls. At the top of the Falls, we found a spot overlooking the Columbia River Gorge and spread out the food. Karen had a healthy appetite for a small person, which was a relief. I can't stand women who pretend they eat like birds.

"This is good cheese!"

"Mom has friends who make it on their farm. We swap them for wine from our winery."

"That's where this bottle came from?"

"Yep. Like it?"

"It's really good. Your mom seems cool."

"That's pretty close to what she said about you."

"Really? I passed the mom evaluation already?"

"The last girl I brought to a party turned out to be a stripper with a substance abuse problem. I'm sure seeing me with a sophisticated woman like you was a big relief."

Karen stared.

"You have got to be kidding me!"

"What, you don't consider yourself sophisticated?"

"No, stupid, about the last party. You telling me that before me you were into strippers?"

Oops.

"Look, I didn't realize what was going on until it was too late! She seemed perfectly normal when I met her!"

She gave me a dirty look.

"You better start from the beginning."

So I told her the first half of the Brandi saga. I figured I was on thin enough ice without mentioning the pregnancy scare. By the end she was howling with laughter.

"I can just imagine the look on your mom's face with your date hanging from the light pole by her ankles!"

"I still have nightmares about it!"

"Well, I go to yoga class with Lydia Tuesday nights, but I've never pole danced in my life! No wonder your mom was so pleased!"

"Mom likes almost everyone, but she loves Jennifer and Lydia like daughters. I think she was glad to see me with a friend of theirs instead of some gold digger."

Karen dried her eyes.

"Well, I guess I can't say a whole lot."

"How's that?"

"No one told you about my failed engagement?"

"What? No, but now you have to."

"I guess I do... He seemed like a really good guy until I got off work early one day three weeks before the wedding and decided to go by his place and surprise him with some fresh cookies. He sure was surprised!"

"Lemme guess- he was with another girl?"

"Another guy! Plus, he was wearing my favorite negligee! I thought Jennifer had borrowed it for her ski weekend with Brian!"

My turn to laugh.

"I could try to picture that, but I don't want to!"

"Is it too much to ask for a boyfriend to think I look better in my lingerie than he does?"

"Well, you're never going to have that problem with me!"

I gave her an exaggerated leer.

"Just to make sure, though, we should play Victoria's Secret Fashion Show one of these nights..."

She punched me in the arm, giggling.

"Yeah, in your dreams!"

I wiggled my eyebrows like Groucho Marx.

"How did you guess?"

At that she jumped on me, tickling me until I begged for mercy. The wrestling turned into making out, until we heard someone coming up the trail. She still kissed like no woman I had ever known.

After we caught our breath, she got a serious look on her face.

"Dave, I want to get something out of the way."

"What?"

"At the hospital, I get hit on regularly by doctors who think I'll be impressed by their money or fancy cars or whatever. It's just part of the environment- in fact, it's why a lot of young women choose to work there! Not me, though. I like my work, and I don't date doctors. If I was looking for a rich man, I've had plenty of offers!"

"So..."

"So my job pays very well. I lived with Jen and Lydia all this time because hanging out with my girlfriends is more fun than living alone, not because I couldn't afford my own place. I don't mind dating a wealthy guy- in fact, I'll let you buy me dinner at the Lodge when we get back down there- but I don't need or want your money. I'm no gold digger!"

"I never thought you were. Just for the record, I'm not even slightly gay, either!"

She laughed.

"I never thought you were. God, we really know how to pick them, don't we?"

"I think that's why Jen and Lydia are pushing us together. I can't blame them for thinking we need adult supervision!"

She looked me in the eye.

"So far, I'd say they've done damn well."

"So would I!"

I pulled her into my arms for a long, slow kiss.

The next day Lydia showed up for dinner on John's arm. She could hardly wait to pull me out onto the terrace after the servants cleared dessert.

"Well, how did things go with Karen?"

"She's incredible. I can't thank you two enough for setting us up."

"I knew it! She seems to like you too?"

"That was the impression I got when we were saying goodnight last night."

"What, you saw her again?"

"I took her for a hike and dinner at Multnomah Falls. We had a great time."