Out the Bag

Eric stood up, straightens and pops his back. "Is there any pizza left, you think? I'm starving."

Feeling a bit hungry myself, I pop my neck and put down my dice.

"There should be," said Jack our DM. "Mom and Dad can't have eaten all that was left. Dad's not that crazy about pizza and mom's watching her figure. Oops, I've got to go pee!" He hops up and rushes from the room.

Greg also gets to his feet, rubbing at the bristle of bread he insists on trying to grow. "Wonder if there is any Mountain Dew left?"

From down the hall, Jack calls back into the dining room. "Yeah, it's in the kitchen, on the counter next to the Cheetos."

Ah, the Cheetos. I swear on my Forgotten Realms book this family knows of no other snack food. There is a sealed Tupperware bowl the size of a punch bowl on the counter filled with nothing else. Getting up, feeling the hours of sitting down, I toss the empty Starbucks cup into the trash and head towards the second bathroom. Knowing Jack as I do I'm not willing to follow behind him in a toilet.

No.

Not just no. But oh hell no.

The door opens just as I reach for the handle and I find myself face to face with Jack's mom.

"Oh, damn you startled me."

"Sorry." I point towards the bathroom behind her. "Jack is in the other one."

"Oh, yes, please. I told you to always make yourselves at home here." She smiles and my heart melts. I've always had a crush on Jack's mom, since the first day I met her. His dad is far too old and fat to satisfy a woman this Milf looking anyway. I return the smile, and then slips past her, letting my arm just brush her breast, still feeling the airs of my elf lord about me. The normal geek submerged on these Saturday nights.

Looking into the bathroom mirror, I pause and ruffle my hair into a more rakish mussed-up style. It didn't help the weak chin, nondescript brown eyes, or the new pimples on my forehead but it does give me a more Daniel Radcliffe, Harry Potter look. I adjust my glasses and then unzip my pants.

"Let no joyful voice be heard! Let no man look up at the sky with hope! And let this day be cursed by we who ready to wake... the Kraken!"

I wish.

With a soft moan, I let flow out hours of soda, coffee, and bottled water. My eyelids flutter and I close them both in pissing bliss at the relief. With a sigh, I then sit there till Judgment Day comes and the trumpets sound wondering when I'm going to stop.

Finally, I wash my hands, ruffle my hair again and start to leave. Then stop. By the towel closet, I see the clothes hamper and pause. Feeling mischievous, I open it and find what I'm looking for. Sexy as sin, pink panties. Jack's mother has got to have the sweetest smelling pussy on the planet. Taking a long smell--like a man dying of thirst finding water, or more like an alcoholic with cheap wine--I enjoy what I wish I could sample first hand.

Carefully, I place them back where they were and unlock the door. Avoiding, with effort, the powerful temptation of taking them with me to masturbate to later. I already have a pair, sealed in a Ziploc baggie, no need to arouse suspicions. Not in Jack or his dad and certainly not in the woman I hope to one day seduce.

Elf in full possession, I walk with gliding steps back through that too-damn-many-plaster-Pottery Barn-bought-rooster-filled kitchen and back into the dining room.

Greg I see has a bowl of the Cheetos and a liter-size glass of Mountain Dew. Jack has a huge Dagwood Sandwich and Eric is scarfing down cold pizza by the slice. I steal a slice from his plate as I walk past. Our newest player Eric's younger brother, Rick Philips, is looking through the high-level mage spells he will not be able to cast if he plays for a year. Flipping through page after page of his shiny new Player's Handbook. Geek drooling over things like limited-wish, and Prismatic Sphere Dropping down into the office chair we rolled in from the computer room, I check my phone. Plenty of time, it's only five minutes to midnight.

I nod my thanks to Jack for the bottle of Doctor Pepper sitting by my character sheet, knowing he put it there. He gives me a silly grin. No doubt the first step in yet another, none too subtle attempt by him to get into my pants. Sigh, what part of lesbian do these guys never understand.

"Amber, ready to play?" he asks.

With a nod, I take a sip of my soda. Delicate feminine hands come to rest on my shoulders before I can reach for my dice.

"Guys, we're heading to bed. Are you going to be wrapping this up anytime soon?" Jack's mom's hands are so warm on my skin I feel them through my shirt. Her perfume clings to her skin when I turn my head and look up at her. She gives me a smile that makes me instantly wet. "It's not safe to be out driving on the roads so late at night, after all."

Oh, I want to lick her like ice cream out a bowl.

"We're just getting to the good part, Mom. It will be a few more hours at least." Jack grins. "Well, keep it down, and if it goes too late people can sleep on the couches if they don't feel safe heading home." He gives me a smile and a wink.

I would rather let plague rats gnaw my vagina out from the inside and then use a turkey baster to shoot straight brandy into my uterus. Walking home through ten miles of Wampa filled snowstorm, wearing Lady Gaga's meat dress would be a better option.

"Well, your father has a bad headache so please keep it down or he will fuss." She smiles down at me and gives my shoulders a little squeeze. Her fingers were far enough down my chest that I could not help put imagine them lower and then delight in the fantasy of how they would feel cupping my breasts. Tweaking my dark pink nipples till they ached. If there had not been a room full of guys here I would have dared to flirt. Or maybe to even try and sneak a kiss, just for the hell of it.

As she walks away and her perfume lingers to tease me, I lean forward, pick up a dice at random and my pencil. Spinning one and twiddling the other I look at Jack, already hiding behind his screen.

"So, anything happen that night while we rest?" I ask. "I'll take watch and guard while I elf sleep."

He rolls a dice behind his screen.

"Well ... as it happens." He lifts his screen to show us that damn purple twenty-sided resting on a twenty. "You are awakened by the sound of a terrible roar!"

Lifting a butt cheek Greg lets loose a massive Cheetos-smelling fart, with a stupid grin plastered on his face, and the pizza, burnt-cheese and shit reek instantly clears the room.

It takes air freshener to get the game going again.

And a fan.