Over the Top

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I don't know why Janeys' going over to my man. My man, why am I calling him that? I've never seen him before. Why am I acting like this? I paid no attention to Janey, my best friend forever. Now she's going over to see him. Why? Is she going to take him away?! No! We've never done that to each other before. Why am I so jealous now? I don't even know why. How can I be? I don't KNOW him! But I need him to look at me. She's so beautiful! Why is he staring at HER? I just realized that I can see his face. He turned to look at Janey and I can see his face. I want to run up there and shove her out of the way so he'll look at me. I can't move my feet or arms, they're locked in place. All I can do is watch him and Janey.

Oh...his FACE, It's PERFECT. My visions blurry, like a tunnel right to his face, seems like I'm a foot away, his skin it's like a smoky gold, his nose is proud on his face. He's Italian. Hair so dark and shiny with a little curl to it. Lips so soft and full, teeth clear white and peeking out. Face so strong, manly, no beard or mustache. But his EYES are blue ...oh, so blue, bright blue like there's a light inside. They flash as he's watching Janey walk up to him. It's only 20ft, across the floor. Why's it taking sooo long? It's killing me. Janey walks so proud and strong. I can see them all watching her. From the side of my vision, I see one of the twins sucks in a deep breath. The other appears to have said something about Janey as my guy flinches a bit. I see his hands clenching and release, clench and release. So big, bet he can pick up a basket ball one-handed. Dark hair on the backs of his hands I bet it goes ALL over his BODY, oh...god. His body, his naked body...ah yes. Bet he's big, big hands, big feet big...OH GOD.

Janeys' almost there and they're all watching her. Janey and he just stare at each other, oh Janey, don't scare him away. She's there right in front of him, close. They just stare at each other, no lips moving just stare, showdown at high noon. I can see Janey cock her head looking at him real close. Like she does when she's trying to figure something out. The redhead slides away from her man, yes her man, you can see that, it makes me happy. She's close to Janey and breaks the stare deadlock. She looks back across the floor at me and smiles. Then smiles at him, my guy, she reaches over and touches Janey's arm. They share something, thoughts maybe, redhead then steps back. My vision is like its hyper-sharp. I can see everything, like its close-up.

Janey looks back at my guy, suddenly she takes a half step back and it's like someone pulled her plug, she just shrinks. I blink and she turned back and is walking to me. She's deflated, walking almost like she's sliding her feet. WHAT HAPPENED? Nobody said anything. They're all still watching her, especially the redhead, she steps to my guy. I kind of see Janey watching my face with these sad puppy dog eyes. I'm watching him and the redhead to see what she's going to do. Janey steps right in front of me, I can't see the group anymore. She grabs my attention and I scan her face. It looks long and drawn, with those huge puppy dog eyes. I feel her take my purse, I look down and see her car keys in her hand. What? I jerk up to see her face; two tear tracks start to run down her face. As she steps to the side...HE'S LOOKING AT ME. I jerk up straight, stand tall as this little bit can. Oh... god, I feel flushed. I hope I don't turn my skin red, suddenly I 'm to big for my skin....Janey just turns, slides away and leaves. The redhead leans over to whisper something into his ear. Why's she so close, he's looking at me, stay away girl, he's mine.

xy

She just shines, red dress, her beauty, the rest of the room starts to float to gray, like I'm going to pass out. But I'm not, I don't want to miss a second of her. She jerks upright like she has a string attached to her head and the puppet master just pulled on it hard. She knows that I've seen her, I'm watching. Her presence just seems to swell like she's taking over more space. People move back allowing her more room. The blond just walks away and leaves.

That red dress and her hair all pinned up and back makes her look like a 50's or 60's calendar girl painting. Hangs by the door and all the guys pat it on the way by for luck, the kind of girl all guys love to love. Take home to mom, watch dad swell his buttons off, proud of his son. She's so small tiny delicate, standing there commanding so much attention. The room just seems to flow around behind her. Skin so white, it's like fine china, hair pinned up so perfect and dark. If it wasn't for that red dress, she could look like a black and white photo hanging in an art gallery. BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT a little china doll that you put in the curio cabinet so it never gets dirty, broken or touched. But I want to. I HAVE to touch her caress her... Alex's voice stabs across my mind "that's the heart, the soul, her treasure."

NO IT'S MINE, SHE"S MINE AND I LOVE HER. I hear the sharp gasp from Alex; I guess I must have said that out loud. Hope I didn't scream it. My mouth drops open in a kind of half smile, I can't take my eyes from her, my head's kind of forward shaking a little in disbelief. But I don't care who knows because I realize that I do. I love her, I say it softly to myself. I don't know her name; I don't know what she smells like. How soft is her skin and hair, what makes her smile and happy. I want to take her and cover her in gold and jewels, soft cotton and furs, satin and silk. Feather beds and pillows while I kiss her mouth, hair, ears, and neck, softly, on all her skin. Have a big castle to protect her from the bad of the world. God I must look awful, stupid silly grin on my face, head wobbling back and forth. I bet I look like a Troy Aikman bobble head doll, head on a spring bouncing all over. I don't care, I love her...

xx

He's looking at me with this soft smile on his face. He looks so peaceful. I feel so small looking at him, he's so big, so important, to me. I want him safe and happy, but what the redhead said to him flashed his eyes, sharp awful anger. She jerks back, her hand streaks to her mouth. He said something, what did he say, what did he say?! I want to know what he said, I couldn't hear, but I want to know. Don't say things that make him unhappy. I want to see his smile, see his love...whoaaa... did I say love? Why would I say that? Is that what's running though my mind, love? Do I love him? Does he love me...? OH GOD...! I want to, do I want him to please...please...please? Oh my minds spinning around in circles and circles and circles. But my heart started SINGING. Singing. Oh I'm so far out on a tight rope with no net if I fall it will kill me! He's still watching me, softly smiling, leaning forward a little. When did he start leaning toward me? Is he going to come over here, should I go there? Would that be too forward? As I'm thinking I realize that I can move my feet. Oh...shit, that means I have to go there. I'm sooo scared. Nervous and scared. My hands grasp each other and twist around. I look down. I didn't know I was doing that. I look up. Then left and right, not looking for anyone just so scared. My hands are still twisting. I haven't been this shy since the 9^th grade. I'm a 27yr. old woman for god's sake, quit that. I'll try a little step forward, small step. So far so good. Ok another one, and another one. Toward my love??

xy

Oh... look at her, nothing matters but her. She's sooo beautiful over there but I still can't move anything arms, legs, nothing, it's like I'm locked in a block... of something warm. I feel flushed, intense; my hands are just quivering this little microscopic quiver. It starts all over my body. I feel kind of light headed too. It started when she reacted to my snapping at Alex, It looked like she tensed and wanted to yell at Alex, scold her for something. She'd calmed some, now she's really getting nervous. Her hands twisted together like a young girl, she didn't know she was doing it, looks right then left. Seems to pull herself up decide too...Oh she's starting to move, she's going to come to me! Just a couple of small steps. It almost looks like she's floating on air. Her small white shoes look like ballet shoes, so tiny, like her. I wonder how small she'll look, feel tucked up under my arm. I want to hold her sooo bad. She's still floating up to me. Small steps, come my love...

xx

Just small steps at a time. I feel like I'm on a boat in the river floating toward him. A river that only flows down stream to him. His body changed, it's like he's tense, tight, poised, waiting for me. I'm getting more nervous. I don't know what to do; I've hung my heart so far out in the air. I keep taking small steps down that river. I see the redhead standing just behind him, to the side. She still has her hand up by her mouth, looking back and forth between us. I'm so scared I'm starting to shake. My hands twist together again, and I look right and left, I can't go back up that river. I feel like I'm going to faint. He's looking at me and sees that I'm scared. He kind of settles back on his heels and gives me this big smile that spreads all over his face and we're us again, I'm not scared...

xy

She's still coming to me with small steps. I'm leaning toward her waiting for her, I still can't move, I want to run to her pick her, up in my arms and just hold her. Somethings holding me back and I'm just quivering to get to her. As I'm looking at her, I sense she's scared and I can't understand, I would never hurt her, never. But she's starting to twist her hands again. Looks off to the side, and I realize that I'm the one whose making her scared, I must look like I'm going to pounce on her. I put my biggest smile on my face and rock back. I see the tension just run out of her. We're back, small steps, small steps...

xx

I'm still floating to him on this river, but now I'm relaxed, I smile big to him, I want to get to him. I know now that he can feel me, feel my heart, wants me to feel safe. Part of my hair has come loose but it doesn't bother me. I can feel that my hands hang easy by my sides. His shirt is open a couple of buttons; I can see the hair on his chest. I smile to myself, it must cover the rest too...OH.

xy

Small steps are getting her close now. Some of her hairs come loose. It looks sooo soft, dark and shines. OH... I can see her eyes, sooo beautiful, blue and white like a husky's. Exotic, wild, gorgeous, like a little pixie that flies from flower to flower. I want to touch her. I have to...

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I'm getting real close now. Where he was so threating a second ago, it's like now covering me in warmth and shelter I can see him breathe. I see his chest rise, I want to touch him. Have to touch...

xy

Her hair looks sooo soft and loose, lying on her skin. Almost close enough to touch, I have to.

As my fingers touch her hair, I brush her cheek and tuck it behind her ear...

XX

Oh... He...touched... me...my hair...my ears... all warmth...feeling...

XY

She raises her arm to me, hand hanging loose. I take it in mine, like a little bird, it just flutters, wrapped in mine...

XX

He has my hand, so big his hand, mine so tiny, floating in his. To his face, is he going to kiss, no...

XY

Take her hand, rub the back against my cheek her eyes look half closed...

XX

Oh... the warmth of feeling him... my panties are wet.. he's in my hair.

XY

My hands through the hair on her neck...pull her to kiss her face...

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I'm so flushed... Hot... need... his voice... to hear...it.

XY

Eyes hooded, head back...waiting...

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Voice, need to hear...his...

XY

"Hi, I'm Mark"...

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...

...

...puddle...

From the back "oh no, not another one."

Alex; "SHUT UP BACK THERE."

XX

It's been about two weeks since I met Mark at the bar. I love him; I just can't say that enough. These have been some of the happiest days of my life. It's like we can't get enough of each other, away from work. As far as work, I can't believe who he is, it's scary. I mean what does he want with a little bit like me? He can have any number of girls or women. All he wants is me, wants me never to leave him. Like that will ever happen. I can't get a hold of Janey. I mean we've been apart longer than this. I just want to tell her about Mark. Well I'll get her later.

About three weeks now and still no call backs from Janey. Maybe she found a new boyfriend. Mark says she'll show back up again. The group is such a kick to be around. All these big studs running around playing basketball, horsing with each other and wrestling all the time. All major hunks and Alex, now me. I can't start to keep up, but they treat me with white kid gloves, I love it.

A month now and I've been scared about Janey, but I got a hold of her boss yesterday. He gave me a real strange look but said she's on two weeks' vacation. Mark said he would get someone to "look into it," but I don't want to use him like that. He laughed "use me, use me" so I did. "Giggle, he is big giggle" Janey is the only bad spot in my life now I wish she would call...

5 weeks now and I'm worried, real worried, I think Janey is hiding from me. At least that's better than her being physically hurt or something, somewhere else. Everyone's treating me very strange when I talk to them about Janey. Mark, Janey's boss, and even Alex. I sat down and tried to talk to Alex yesterday, she told me that she didn't know where Janey was. But maybe why. Said it was Janey's tale to tell. I got mad and tried to make her tell me. She just got sad and hugged me until I quit crying. Mark muttered something about what Alex said. Janey's boss just shakes his head, said she's around somewhere. Mark held me in bed while I cried so hard last night.

It's been two months now and I'm so done with this. I'm going to find her, ambush or whatever it takes and find out what happen to my best friend forever. I'm afraid if this gets much longer she'll just quit and leave. She won't answer her phones at home, cell, or work. Never returns any messages. I can't just go park in the hall by her apartment. So it will have to be at work, in one of the halls or something. I arranged some long lunches to kind of cruise around the building she works' in. Well fate or luck, kismet or whatever. I found her on the 3^rd floor in building2, the first day. She came out of an office back in the engineering section with her boss in tow. Now he said this can end, I guess he had been helping her by not telling me where she was.

" Janey please talk to me."

She led me back into the office, said she'd been using it for a while. As she sat down on the lounger, I was looking at her closely, she'd lost weight, had dark bags under her eyes. She still had those sad, sad eyes watching me.

"Janey what happen to my best friend, why did you leave me?" I was crying by now.

"Why are you hiding from me?" She was real quiet for a long time, just let me cry. She leaned forward put her elbows on her knees.

"Melisa are you sure you want to know?"

"Yes I want my best friend forever back." I wiped my face with my hands, just made a bigger mess. I didn't care.

"I want to know what I did wrong. Janey, I love you" She turned her head away real fast. Drew a deep breath, looked back at me.

"You didn't do anything wrong Missy, it was me." She paused for a bit then started again.

"Maybe after I tell you, you wouldn't want me back." She said softy.

"I was always too scared. I think, I knew it would happen someday, but I just put my head in the sand and was happy with what we had." I frowned at her, I didn't understand.

"I walked over there to that guy..."

I said "his name's Mark, he works here."

"Oh okay, he looked nice Melisa. Big, but good looking."

I wanted to keep her talking, friend to friend, get her to smile.

"He's our boss, Janey everyone's boss." I was proud of Mark.

"No shit, really?"

"Yes Janey, CEO type boss." I grinned at her.

"Lucky you." she still didn't smile at me.

She repeated "Missy are you sure you really want to know?"

"Yes, I want you to smile too." She did a little.

"I want my Janey back, her smile, her bad clothes. And I haven't had any wardrobe help in a month." She smiled a little more.

I told her "This is a tough crowd, can't get a joke in."

"Melisa it's a big problem, it won't go away with a little joke."

"No, but you might come back to me with one."

"Missy this time we might not get what we want."

"Okay Janey you're scaring me go ahead and explain."

"Maybe I'll try it this way, you remember Tommy Johnston in 7^th grade that dumped you?"

"Yes, for Boobies."

"Remember you came to my house for weeks to cry on my shoulder?"

"Yes."

"We went into my bed room, cried and made bad jokes; I stroked your hair and held you while you cried. We lay on my bed, held each other, and talked about boys?"

"Yes, you give the best hugs." Then she smiled.

"Missy, I never understood why you kept coming back for so long, but I didn't care I just wanted to hold you, make your hurt away, and make you feel better. I think that's when it first started. Missy, you made a decision for us a long time ago. I just went along so I didn't hurt you and you wouldn't leave me."

"Why would I leave you for not wanting to hurt me? I won't leave you."

"Missy you said that you loved me and I loved, you but not like lovers. Well...I love you like that."

"Janey you mean you're a... "

"No Missy, I'm not a lesbian, gay, or even Bi."

"If you're not gay or Bi, how can you love me like a lover if you don't like girls?"

"I'll try to explain, it took me years to think some of this through so here goes, Mark turns you on, does my boss turn you on?"

"No"

"They are both men and men turn you on, right? Maybe it's a little more than that. Girls don't turn you on, right?"

"No"

"Not even me?"

"I don't think so Janey, I love you, you're beautiful. I love being around you more than anyone, even Mark. But it doesn't feel the same as with Mark." I thought I saw a little tear just before she turned away.

"Maybe it's not suppose to, it's not the same kind of love" She said that with her head down to herself so very softly. "Not a make babies kind of love."

I didn't even know if I heard that.

Then she sharply looked up at me.

"Missy that's where we're a little different, guys, some guys turn me on, girls don't, all girls. I know I've been screwed up enough with this, over the years. That I tried a couple of times, girls don't turn my crank. One does, just you. I love Melisa, who just happens to be a girl. I've thought about it a lot, I think that I would love you, if you were a guy, or if you were an old man. Even a man with boobs, or a girl with a dick, old or young. I think I would love you in any form. But I did love you for years, since the 7^th grade, as Melisa a girl. I loved you so much, plus I thought you would leave me. So I didn't try for more. I just took what you would give, and it was good. We couldn't have been any closer if we were married. I took boyfriends once in a while, for sex, and to see if I could love someone else. They didn't stay very long; they just didn't measure up to you. See, I love you and you turn me on, that's the whole package. Melisa is a girl that I happen to love. I don't love soft breasts and long lashes, short skirts, hips. I love you in spite of those things. What turns me on are broad shoulders. 5 o'clock shadow, strong muscles, and tight ass. What if we could get you a brain transplant into that body? Then everything would be fine?"