tagHumor & SatirePaddy the Irish Vampire

Paddy the Irish Vampire


Vampires and Republic of Ireland just don't go together. With the laid back and friendly manner, not to say the lilting accent that has the sound of honey, of the Southern Irish how can anyone imagine them as callous vampires? Which is why, when my train was delayed, I decided to write a short story about an Irish vampire who is quite a nice guy really but doesn't seem to realise that actions have consequences. So meet Paddy and his friends Seamus, Mick and Donal.

The clock alarm went off and Paddy opened, reluctantly, his eyes and slowly adjusted them to the dimly lit bedroom. He glanced to the side and when he realised the bed was empty, save for him, he wondered what had happened to the nubile, 19 year old twin sisters he'd brought home with him the previous evening. He heard some giggling and, looking in the opposite direction, saw them sat at the table. Each snorting the line of coke in front of them. So that was the bonus of the previous evening. He'd turned them into druggies. He'd soon have them out on the streets earning for him.

"Are you ready for breakfast, Paddy? Bacon, eggs, sausage, mushrooms, tomatoes, and hash browns okay?"

He nodded, and then staggered to his feet. "I can't remember your names," he said.

"Mary and Molly Malone," one of the girls replied.

"Which one's which?" he asked.

"It doesn't matter, we come as a package deal anyway," said the one who had got out of her seat and gone to the cooker.

"I need a drink," said Paddy walking over to her. He took hold off her hair and pulled it back, exposing her neck and showing the two small bite marks he had left the night before. He leaned down and sank his teeth into her youth and sweetness, drinking once more the red liquid he desired and needed. She moaned in ecstasy as he drank, but only enough to take the edge off his thirst.

As a vampire there are two ways you can take a victim's blood. The first is to take it all in one go. But that results in the victim being dead. No more supply of blood. Sometimes that is the best way, particularly if you are really thirsty. Dying of thirst, if you'll excuse the pun. The second way is to just take a little blood. That means you can have a regular supply handy for quite a while. I say quite a while because draining someone's blood, even over a long term, had a debilitating effect on the body and its immune system. So, even if you've begun to think of them as a friend, sooner or later they've gone. Nobody lives forever. Unless, of course, you're a vampire.

There is a third way. Sink your fangs into her, or his, neck and draw a little more blood than you would from someone you wanted to be a regular supplier. Instead of drinking and then removing yourself hold the bite for longer without actually drawing any more blood. If she, or he, has an affinity with the dark lord they will become a vampire themselves.

Mary and Molly fell into the second category. But on the bright side they would be able to fuck Paddy as much as they wanted, except when he was busy out in the town looking for new prospects. Being only 19, and fit, they would last longer than many others. Also, being twins, they would probably only be blood donors every other day.

"Can we fuck after breakfast?" asked Mary. Or was it Molly?

Paddy peered out at the city of Dublin through the chink in the blinds, saw it was already dark, and reluctantly told them. "I don't really have time girls, I'm running late as it is." He looked at their crestfallen faces and relented. "Okay, but they will have to be quickies."

Both girls selected a fork and they practically forced the food down his throat. As soon as his plate was empty they ran over to the bed and bent over side by side. Paddy couldn't be bothered removing his pants. He unzipped and his flaccid member fell out. Normally he would have had one, or both, of the girls get him hard with their mouths. In this instance, probably because he wanted to get away, his member rose to erection without any assistance. He lubed up each girl's crevice and, without even wiping his hands, got to work.

He plunged into one sister, and after a few strokes, swooped to the other, and then back again. Normally he would have stayed on the long strokes for a long as he wished. Vampires are renowned for their stamina. But in in this instance, as soon as he realised both girls were close, he moved onto the short strokes. He flooded Mary, or was it Molly, with half his semen, and then moved over to Molly, or was it Mary, and flooded her with the other half.

"Okay girls," he cried, "I've got to go now, before it gets too late." He quickly crossed to the door and then looking back he took in the sight of both girls, still bent over the bed, with his semen running out of their orifices and down their legs. Quantity, if not quality, from a vampire.

Soon he was out in the dimly lit streets looking for prey but saw none. He entered one of the many bars and immediately saw a middle aged woman, sat alone, watching tv. He was halfway to her table, seduction patter at the ready, when a man walked up to her. She rose, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and they walked out of the bar together. He noticed they had identical wedding rings. Damn these husbands!

He was so annoyed, so angry, he hurried out of the bar, barging past several people, before he was out in the open. That's when he saw her. Just what he was looking for, in fact a perfect choice. She stood looking at her watch, as if she was expecting someone and they were late. It can't have been a bus because they stopped running hours ago. A boyfriend, or father, who hadn't turned up? Probably forgotten or got the wrong time or place.

She turned and walked away and then turned into a dimly lit alleyway. He couldn't believe his luck. He followed her into the alley and crept up behind her, making sure she was unaware of his presence. He put his hand on her shoulder and felt her jump. He was on her in a flash. His bright sharp fangs digging deep into her and drawing ever bit of blood from her. His thirst sated he dropped her cold, dead body onto the dirty cobbles of alley.

He strode off and was halfway home when he heard a movement behind him and whirled around. "Hello Patrick," said Seamus,"who's been a naughty boy?"

"Oh. Hello Seamus. I haven't seen you for a while."

"Well, no one wants to see the enforcers, Patrick," said Seamus, indicating Mick and Donal, who seemed to have appeared out of nowhere and now stood one on each side of Paddy.

"You've been hunting alone, Patrick," said Seamus in a calm, but stern, voice. "You know that's not allowed in this part of the city. The pickings here are scarcer than in the other parts of the city, which is why we have to hunt in pairs, to share. As for the twins you've got back home waiting for you, that's just taking the piss. You've broken the rules and we are here to exact punishment."

"I'm sorry Seamus. I really am and it won't happen again. Just let me go. Tell them you couldn't find me. Please!"

"Don't beg, Patrick. Vampires don't beg. Hold on to some dignity." Seamus looked at the other two men in turn. "Mick. Donal. Hold him."

The two men held Paddy firmly. Seamus held the point of the stake over Paddy's heart. Thump! It only took one blow from the wooden mallet to end Paddy and his last thought before his body imploded was "shit." The other three gazed down at what was left of Paddy. It looked as though someone had vomited in the gutter.

"Okay boys, let's go," said Seamus. "The forecast is for rain so that'll wash away what's left of Paddy. Let's go have a smooth pint of Guinness. The one thing that tastes as good as blood."

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