Painting in Color

"You didn't get in a wreck or anything did you? Everyone OK?"

"No Jake, we didn't get in a wreck. But everything's not OK. Jake there's no one here, the apartment's cleaned out and everyone's gone. All that's here is two notes, and a couple of boxes of her clothes and things."

"Oh my God, how's Denise?"

"Just a real mess Jake, one very scared little girl. We read the note with Denise's name on it. Her mom's gone Jake, she just left her. You'll have to read the note, but the other one's addressed to you Jake. What do you want me to do, Jake. I won't just leave her here, and I don't think I could take her to a shelter or child services. I couldn't do that to her, Jake. She's crying so hard I had to read the note to her. She's shaking so bad, she couldn't even hold it."

"What do I do Jake?"

"Bring her home Cat, just bring her home."

"Jake, I'm crying too and my heart's breaking. I've never seen anyone so crushed, I try to get her attention and talk to her. But it's like she's not really there Jake. She's just laying on the floor in a fetal position, crying. It might be a while before I can get her up enough to even go to the car."

"Jake, can she live with us...even for just a little while?"

"Bring her home Cat, just bring her home. As far as I'm concerned this can be her home for as long as we want, as long as she needs."

"Thank you Jake. We'll be home as soon as we can. Love you Jake."

Why is she telling me thank you, Denise has been my friend. Cat's just barely met her, just this week end. But I know my Cat's got a heart of gold, and this must be tearing her apart.

I intellectually know that this stuff happens in the big bad world, parents abandoning their children. It's so completely alien in Cat's and my world. To have it happen to someone we know and care about...

I'm going to have to read those notes as soon as I can. Then I'll know what Cat and I have to talk about, what direction to go. As soon as Denise can handle it, we'll have to talk too. It's her life, maybe there's a grandparent or something we don't know about. Somewhere she'd like to go, rather than here.

I realize that I want her here. I think that it's even been in the back of my mind for a while, it seemed impossible, but it was there.

I should get an attorney right away. I don't want her to end up in the child care system. You hear some real horror stories that can come from there. I don't want even the possible chance of her being put into the system. We'll look into adoption or becoming foster parents first. I'll have to get her school records and get her transferred over to this school district has soon as I can. With just a few months left before summer break. I don't want her to fall behind. Maybe in a year we can get her a car...

Then I realize my minds just running away with itself. The fact about school is true, that needs to be remedied soonest. The most important is Denise, she needs to be settled and safe. Somewhere she can start to heal. God, how can you heal from something like this, she's just fifteen. Dumped by your own mother, and all alone in the world.

There's just no excuse for this...no possible excuse.

Even if Carol ran completely out of resources and lost her job. Had to bust up the family and foster them out. She could have asked. Just let Denise know why, and asked. Then it wouldn't have tore Denise up so much. She would have at least known that her mother loved her. Maybe she knows that, but now she has to have doubts.

They're here!

I'm out the door and to the car as fast as I can. Cat hasn't even made it around to the passenger side yet. I'm able to open the door and lift Denise out of the car and lay her across my lap. She lays there almost limp, just gently sobbing. I look up to my wife's makeup raccoon eyes and tear tracks. Read empathy and anguish, bone deep anguish. Two small hands slide up around my neck, a soft voice floats up...

"Jake."

She goes back to softly sobbing, and something sinks deep down inside me. Still looking into Cat's eyes as tears start sliding down her face again too. For a couple of heart beats, we just stare at each other. Realizing that neither one of us can absorb the magnitude of what's happened. Wondering...where do we go from here?

I spin my chair and head into the house. Pulling up to the front of the couch so we both can hold her. There we sit, I don't know for how long but it feels like quite a while before one of us moves. Then it's Cat.

"I'll get her clothes out of the car, and get her stuff ready for bed."

I see her go by with that little grocery sack of clothes and her new garment bag, heading upstairs. Denise has quit sobbing, and I don't know if she's falling asleep. But I do know that her breathing is settling down. So I continue to hold her. It's bare seconds and Cat's back, she tips her face to see into Denise's eyes.

"Baby, do you want to go upstairs and get ready for bed, or do you still want to sit here with Jake?"

"Jake."

"OK baby, just let me know when you're ready. Jake, I'm going to go get some night things. I'm going to sleep with Denise tonight. I don't think that she should be alone tonight."

I nod my head, still holding Denise close, running my fingers through her hair. Watch Cat lay two pieces of paper on the couch. Both folded into thirds, one open and one still taped shut with my name on the outside. She's heading into our bedroom. A couple of small whispers rise up from my lap.

"Why, Jake?"

The sobs and tears started again. I pulled her head tight to my shoulder, used my other arm to pull her body tighter into my chest. Just hold her there, letting her settle.

"I don't know...but we'll figure it out, maybe tomorrow. All I'm concerned with right now is you. You're all that's important, getting you settled down and safe. Until we do that, you'll live here with us. Until we 'all' decide what we can and will do, you'll stay here. So you just sit right here and hold me until I feel better."

"But Jake, your holding me."

"Oh shit, I thought it was the other way around. Guess I better do a better job of it."

"Silly man...I love you Jake."

"I love you too, Baby Doll...I love you too."

Cat's hand floats over my shoulder to stroke Denise's hair.

"Sweetie, you about ready to go upstairs and hold 'me' all night?"

A very small chuckle escapes as she crawls out of my lap. Unfolding all those long arms and legs. Steps into the arm that Cat winds around her waist and up they go. I'm left staring at two pieces of paper that might as well be rattlesnakes. I really don't know if I'm up to reading them tonight. I'm not used to being rung out with so much emotion. Then I notice Cat coming back downstairs. Up close I see a flash I've never seen in my wife's eyes.

"There's no fucking excuse for doing that to a child. Not. One. Fucking. Excuse. Especially to your own daughter."

Those flashing eyes spun on the ball of one foot, and stalked up to the stairs again. Only to stop, spin, and stalk back.

"All she had to do was ask someone for help. We would have helped her, hell she could have moved in here with the children. Or Julie would have taken her in, and maybe found her a better job. I might have been able to get her some hours in the hospital cafeteria. Something! All. She. Had. To. Do. Was. Ask!"

Again with the spin and the power stalk, this time it went all the way upstairs. I expected the walls to reverberate with the slam of the door, but it never made a sound. Wow, she's a little hot, hotter than I've ever seen her. Momma bear just went to guard her cub. Don't get in the way, you'll pull back a stump.

But I'm still left with these two paper rattlesnakes on the couch.

My beautiful baby girl,

I don't know if you'll ever be able to realize how sorry I am right now. You'd have to give away your own baby girl, and I know that you never would. You're a lot better person then I am. But know that no one will ever love you as much as I will, and that I'll love you forever.

None of this is any of your fault baby girl. It's all mine, all my life I've never been a very good person. You and John are the best things I've ever done, my pride and joy.

Know that my leaving you has nothing to do with my loving you any less than I always have. That is with my whole heart and soul, your my beautiful baby girl. You always will be. I'm leaving to get you to a better life, and I think that better life is with Jake.

I have a lot of things to be sorry for in my life. Most of my choices in life have been bad ones, for all the wrong reasons. I never tried in school so I can never get a good job. I didn't try to learn a trade or job. I'd rather party, and I did right after I left high school. I partied so much after high school I got pregnant with you before I turned nineteen.

So here's the first thing I'm real sorry for. Scooter's not your Daddy baby girl. I don't know who is. Somewhere in that summer after high school is your father. I just don't know which one, or even if I remember him. Don't be like me baby girl, don't make my mistakes.

I don't think that you will, you're not only a better person than I am. Your smarter too. So smart that I know you can see where we are at, money wise. We're going to lose this apartment. You know that slum lord bastard raised the rent, and I can't pay it. I looked all over for a new place, the only one I found. Is in a neighborhood that's so bad we'd have to carry guns to be safe.

What you don't know is that my boss will be cutting back my hours this summer. He has a niece that needs to make some money for her college fund next fall. So each of the waitress will need to give up some of their hours. I tried real hard, but I can't find a better job either.

So not only can't I find an apartment to move to, I won't have enough money to pay for one if I could. Plus I have to accomplish this in the next two weeks. Because slum lord is evicting us next time the rent is due.

Scooter came back into town, and he wants to have John live with him. But he can't take us too. So that's where John is, with his Dad. Bernie will take me with him when he moves. But he doesn't want any kids, so I told him I wouldn't go. That left you and me, baby girl, living out on the street. I'm a bitch, I can survive there. I don't think that you could, not and stay the baby girl that I know and love. I'm just out of options.

Then Jake's wife came over, and I realized that the best place for you would be with Jake. He loves you baby girl, and he's a good man and she's a good woman. He'll take better care of you then I ever could. Plus he'll teach you to be a better class of person than your bitch of a Momma. So listen to him baby girl and try to love him like the father that you never had.

I won't ask for your forgiveness or your understanding, because I don't deserve them. I know that I'll never forgive myself for abandoning you. God's the only one who could do that, and I don't think that even he will.

Just remember that I'll love you forever, my beautiful baby girl.

Well it seems like Carol's in a very dark place, depressed and thinking she's out of options. I guess that I kind of agree with Cat though. All she had to do was ask for help. We could have found her some help, somewhere. Or even just helped them ourselves. I realize that she's kind of like me though. It would be very hard for either of us to ask for help from someone else.

We're both too proud. We take care of our own, or find a way too. Which I guess is kind of what she's doing. But even as proud as she is, it's not just her. With the two kids she had to ask for help, not just give up. Especially just abandoning Denise, that's going to leave some emotional scars. Well let's see what the other letter says.

Jake:

I think you know that I'm a cast iron bitch. I'm proud, and have never begged anyone for anything. But I'm on my knees right now. I'm begging Jake, begging you to please take in my baby girl. I'm begging with everything I have, take her in and raise her. If you've read the other letter, you know Denise has never had a father. Become that for her Jake, become the father that she desperately needs. I'm begging Jake.

I know that you really care for her and I'm counting on that. I know I'm being a low life bitch for putting you in this situation. Just dumping it into your lap like this.

But I'm going down Jake, and I don't want to take her with me. All my life choices have been bad. No education, no trade or training, I'm getting older and my looks are going. Everything is going downhill for me. Take her away from this Jake.

Most of my family has never amounted to much. I'm an only child, and my Mother was a bitch too. My Dad was a mean drunk, and it got worse after I dropped out of school and left. Yeah, I tell everyone that I graduated, even myself. But I really dropped out, basically before they kicked me out.

After I got pregnant and tried to go back home. My parents wouldn't let me. But their fighting got worse. He finally beat her to death. Then he died in prison years later.

Part of what I'm saying with this is, Denise has no one but me. Now I pray with everything in me, you. Denise is different from any of my family. She could become a lot better person. Teach her how too, Jake. Give her the opportunities that the rest of my family never had, and never deserved.

My giving my daughter over to you is more than just finding her food and a roof over her head. She needs what you could teach her. Sure I might be able the find a shelter or a church group, something. To just get us over this hump. Maybe they could even get me a little training for a better job.

But it would only be a 'little' better job, just enough to get by. I don't have the education or the wherewithal to get much more. My lot in life is never going up. It will always be just enough to get by, at best.

Denise could amount to so much more, and she deserves too. Her goodness would only get beat down where I'm going. I think that you know that too, and you care enough about her to not want that to happen. So teach her how to better herself, Jake.

There's some important papers in one of her boxes of clothes. Her Birth Certificate and such. So I guess I better get this stuff out of the road:

I, Carol Ann Williamson, being of sound mind and body. Would like to pass the care and responsibility for Danielle Ann Williamson to Jacob Davis. To empower him to make all legal and necessary decisions for her care until she reaches the age of her majority. I request that she be named legal ward into his care, if possible. I also want to relinquish my rights as prime custodial parent to Jacob Davis.

Carol Ann Williamson.

That should help you to get legal care of Denise. I'm praying that you will. I would prefer that you didn't totally adopt Denise. I would like to dream that she will still be my daughter. However, if you or Denise really want to, or find it necessary to, I won't fight it.

I'm not going to contact you or Denise for quite a while. First, I think that you should have time to set up your own family, without me involved. Secondly I don't want Denise trying to find me, or join me, out of some misguided sense of loyalty.

Furthermore I want you to know Jake. That I want you to have that freedom to build your own family. Without the fear of me coming back to take Denise away from you. If you're going to become that father to her, that's as it should be. That's what's best for her.

While I'm writing this letter, I don't know where I'll be going. I haven't decided yet. I have a boy friend that wants me to move with him. I've already told him that I wouldn't.

He told me that he loves me and wants me to make a life with him. Just without my kids. How can a man do that, force a woman to abandon her children to be with him? Could he really love her and demand that of her? I don't know where I'm going, but I know that I won't be staying here in town. Your free to make that family if you want to, please do.

I might go with my boy friend for now, just because I don't have anywhere else to go. But with all my heart, I want you to know I didn't abandon Denise to go run away with him. I don't think a relationship with him is going to work anyway. But Denise going to you is the best thing for her. Where I go has nothing to do with what's best for her.

I know that the way I'm doing this, leaving while Denise is with you. Is probably the worst way for you or her. Not asking or talking to you, but it's the only way I could. I might be a cast iron bitch, but I couldn't have looked my baby girl in the eyes and left her.

I know myself well enough to know that I'm too weak to do that. I could never have let her go if I had to watch it happening. I would have kept her with me, and drug her down whatever hole I'm going to. Even though I know it wouldn't have been the best for her, I couldn't have let go.

If I'm not looking at her, then I have enough love and courage to let her go. Knowing that she goes to a better place, and that's you Jake.

Some years down the road try to explain that to her Jake, why I couldn't watch her leave.

Become a father Jake. Love my beautiful baby girl with all your heart.

Carol.

Wow...just wow. I guess that explains a lot more. I still don't know that I'd agree with her reasoning. I'm a lot like Cat's thoughts, that because of the kids. She had to ask for help, not just abandon them. I can see that tendency in myself, that independence. Never take your troubles to someone else. But I'd like to think that with two minor children involved. I could swallow my pride enough to see the necessity of asking for help, at least for them.

That's part of being a parent. Putting the child ahead of yourself. Being able to recognize and ask for the things that they can't see or ask for themselves. But also in being a parent, I can't imagine having the willpower to give up your own flesh and blood, even for their own good.

The only way I could see myself doing that. Would be with my finger nails scoring tracks down the hull of the lifeboat. Going under for the third and final time. Pushing my child into the waiting arms in the life boat with my final breath. I'd like to think that I wouldn't wait that long, but I know that I would fight that hard. Thinking in that vein, I really don't think much of what Carol has done.

Putting things together from both letters. I get a better picture of what's going on in her mind. She has an immediate short term problem. The rent being due and money being low. A somewhat midterm problem of a bad job and no place to move too. Then a long term problem in Denise's future and her own perceived failures in her ability to provide for that.

All she's done in abandoning Denise, is to defer the first two. Sometime, somewhere she'll have to come up with rent and a place to live, a job. Unless she just gives up totally and ends up homeless, and I don't think that she'll allow herself to do that. Then she's just shoved the long term problem on to me. Maybe she's right, maybe I can provide that long term solution for Denise better than she can. It's just the way that she done it that bites my ass.

Oh, I'll do it. Just not for her, but I think that she already knows that. Also I don't think she's asking this of me for herself. Only for Denise, and that's why I'll do this. Only for Denise. But before I start making promises to myself. I need to talk to Cat. I think that I know what she'll want to do, but I need to ask. Then I'll need to find out what we can do legality. But those are things for tomorrow, and I'll need to get some sleep if I can.

I'm up before everyone else in the morning. While I'm starting breakfast, I'm also on the phone to Denise' school. It takes a bit to convince them of my role in the situation. I finally faxed part of Carol's letter to them. But I did get them to allow her some family leave.