Panic Attack

I think I am in trouble.

What is it with me? Why do I have this wicked skill for getting myself into situations that freak the hell out of me?

I don't know what I am doing or how I got here. I am in way over my head. I am out of my league and out of my mind. I am wondering if I should just back up and away. I want to run.

I don't know what to do here.

How did I go from living it the snake eyes way to being this settled woman? How did I go from being wild and reckless and more then just a little out of control to this?

What fucked up evil twisted cosmic joker thought it would be funny to toss a nice guy in my path? If I ever figure that one out I'm kicking someone's laughing ass!

It's not funny! I mean it. I am having constant fits and full flown anxiety attacks. I really don't like this. I don't think I want to do this. Being in this much over my head is not acceptable! I am 38 years old and so help me God if I start doing the teenage thing of breaking dates with friends and family to just hang out with my boyfriend I hope someone will shoot me. I don't want to do over that part of my youth.

I get so scared at times that I can't breathe. My heart starts pounding so hard I have to remind myself there's no history of heart disease in my family and I'm slim and always active.

I probably look like an idiot walking down the street with blank eyes muttering to myself that I'm having a panic attack and NOT a heart attack.

I make it all sound so funny, don't I? I'm very good at that. I have a way with words that distracts or makes light of serious things. Just smile and laugh at the winsome kitty. Don't go where I don't want you to. Don't see what I don't want you to see. Because if you see it then maybe I'll have to accept it as real. And then I'll have to deal with it.

Right now I'm still trying to remember how to breathe.

I think this man is serious. I think he actually means it when he tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. So help me God he better not ask me to marry him before I get myself under control. I'll go out the window to get away. And that would be a bad idea because I'm on the third floor.

Either that or I'll slug him first and then run like hell.

And there I go again trying to make this into a funny.

But if I stop laughing about it and go deeper then just using it as fuel for my writing, then what?

Step back girl and write about what you know. That was the best advice I ever got from my favorite English teacher. And I do know this because I am living it. But I feel like I don't know anything and I just keep wanting to step back so far that I disappear.

Part of me wants to kick it into high gear and get gone! But I'm not doing that. I'm still standing here.

I can't eye this relationship in a cool, clinical bystander way.

That's a good thing, right? I'm being yanked out of my impersonal, walk away in a frozen Minnesota minute mind set. That should be a good thing, right?

So why is it scaring the hell out of me and sending me up and down a fright house ride of emotions?

I wasn't acting this crazy even when I was pregnant and hormonal enough to take on a rhino!

One minute I want to cry because I am feeling scared and vulnerable about how deep he's getting to me. Five seconds later I am thinking about something sweet he said or did and hugging myself like a giddy twelve year old in puppy love.

One day I happily chat with an apartment "friend" about my new boyfriend and the next I want to shove them down the stairs because they're gushing about how he seems to dote on me.

I'm turning into a complete basket case here!

I like having control over how I do being out of control! This is not acceptable. I can't even figure out what the hell I'm actually fighting for or against, to or from, and it's exhausting me! I'm having panic attacks over it!

I'm good at running. It's the staying around that is hard.

Want to lay odds on what the kitty will do?

To tell you the truth I think maybe I'm going to believe him. Maybe this wildkatt has finally found her forever man.

Wish me luck. And keep the fingers crossed.