Party of Five Ch. 19

"Morning sunshine," she said, looking amused at Josh's drowsy state.

"What do you want?" he asked shortly, not in the mood for small talk, especially the kind that involved Dawn and her sexual innuendo.

"I came to your room last night," she said. "You weren't there."

That woke Josh up. "I...uh...I was downstairs," he stammered, hoping to God she hadn't looked there. "I couldn't sleep."

"It shows," said Dawn. "You've got bags under your eyes." She brushed a finger beneath Josh's eye to emphasise her point. "I thought you might have been with Jacquie," she added.

"Oh," said Josh. "No...I wasn't with her."

"Well, next time you can't sleep, come and see me, okay? I'll tire you out in no time." She finished with a grin.

Josh managed a weak smile. "I should go," he said. "I don't want to be late for school."

"Want me to drive you?"

"I said Idon't want to be late," Josh replied.

Dawn smiled at him. "Suit yourself." She walked down the hall to her room, her ass hypnotising Josh like a pendulum. He snapped out of it quickly though and went downstairs.

Both Jacquie and Alice were sitting at the table eating cereal when he arrived, and both looked up with a sweet smile. Josh felt himself blush under their gazes and hoped that neither looked at the other. He tried to look meaningfully at both of them without seeming to.

He found a bowl in the cupboard and a spoon in the drawer and poured himself some cereal at the table, sitting opposite his sisters and keeping his eyes down. He could feel their twin gazes on him, heating up the tops of his ears and the back of his neck. Jacquie was the first to finish; she took her bowl to the sink, rinsed it and dried her hands on a tea towel. "Do you want a lift to school?" she asked Josh.

"Uh...all right," Josh replied, looking up. Jacquie nodded and left the room, most likely to change her clothes or brush her hair, Josh guessed. He looked up at Alice now that they were alone and moved to a chair closer to her. She smiled at him and found his hand beneath the table, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Did you sleep okay last night?" she asked.

"Yeah," Josh lied.

"I didn't," said Alice, looking back at her cereal a little self-consciously. "I find it hard to sleep without you now."

A blush crept into her cheeks, which made Josh smile. "Me too," he said, and squeezed her hand back. He had to let it go quickly when Dawn swept into the room, looking livid. Her anger, as always, seemed to swirl around her like a cloud.

"Josh, you dipshit," she said, brandishing something red at him. "You used my hairbrush!"

"I did not!" Josh replied defensively.

"Yes, you did," said Dawn. "Look." She pulled several hairs off the teeth of the brush and held them up to show him. "These are yours!"

"No, they're not," said Josh. "They could be anyone's."

"Look!" Dawn said sharply, holding them up to his face. "They're short. None of us have short hair. They're yours."

Josh shrank away from her hand. "Okay," he conceded, "I used it. I'm sorry."

"I'll give you sorry, you little wanker," Dawn said acidly. "Cleanit next time you use it okay?"

"Okay," said Josh.

Dawn narrowed her eyes at him. She straightened up after that, turned on her heel and swept from the room again, leaving Josh feeling, once again, strangely nostalgic. That was the Dawn he remembered, that Dawn that had found simple little things to yell at him about for so many years. It almost brought a smile to his face.

"Sounds like she had a rough night, too," said Alice.

Josh turned to her quickly. "I didn't..." he said awkwardly. "I mean...after I left...I didn't..."

Alice blinked at him for a moment, looking confused. Then she smiled. "I didn't mean that," she said. "And you don't have to explain. I told you that."

Josh nodded and smiled back. He knew she'd said that, but he still felt bad. If Jacquie and Dawn hadn't been his sisters, he never in a million years would have cheated on Alice like that. And the same applied for Jacquie and Dawn, had Alice not been his sister. It was strange to think like that though, because he might never have met any of them otherwise. And if he had, he would have fallen in love with the first one he met, and stayed faithful to her. Even Dawn.

Jacquie came back in presently and hurried Josh along. He finished his cereal, darted back upstairs to collect his bag and bolted down the stairs again. Jacquie was waiting outside, so he kissed Alice goodbye and made his way down the driveway to Jacquie's car. He hopped inside the passenger seat, and they set off for Josh's school. Jacquie turned to him almost immediately.

"You look tired," she remarked.

"Yeah," said Josh, shifting nervously. "I didn't sleep much last night."

Jacquie smiled reassuringly. "You know," she said, and looked nervous herself, "if you can't sleep at night, you can always...come and see me if you like."

Josh turned to her with a grin. "And that would result in me getting some rest would it?"

"Not necessarily," said Jacquie, with a smile. "But we could be restless together."

Great, thought Josh.Now I have three midnight visits to pay during the week. This is gettinghard.

"I will," he said. "Next time."

They rounded a corner and Jacquie said, "I forgot to tell you I'll be out for most of tomorrow."

"You will?" said Josh.

"Yeah. I'm going to the beach."

"You are? With who?"

"My friends," said Jacquie. "I do have friends you know."

"Right. Which ones?"

"Leah, Stacey, Nick...Tina's coming as well, you remember her?"

Josh searched his memory. "Short, blonde chick?" he said.

"Chick?" said Jacquie, her eyebrows raised.

"Girl," Josh corrected himself.

"That's her," said Jacquie.

"So...uh...who's Nick?" Josh asked out of curiosity.

Jacquie broke instantly into a smile. "My secret lover," she said. "I'll be spending the entire day with him in the back seat of the car."

"You wh- You're not serious, are you?"

Jacquie laughed. "No. Of course I'm not. You're my secret lover, Josh."

Josh felt a stab of guilt inside his chest. He turned to look out the window and stayed silent for a while until the guilt subsided. It stayed longer these days.

They were getting close to his school now. Jacquie made another turn and asked: "How are things going with Valerie, by the way?"

"Great," said Josh, smiling reflexively. "Really great."

"I want you to know," Jacquie said, "that if you get a chance with Valerie..." Josh looked away. Jacquie noticed. "You will though, won't you? You won't stop just because of me?"

"I..." Josh began, but couldn't say any more. Whatcould he say?No, I won't stop because of you; I'll dump you straight away and run off with someone else. He didn't want to do that, but he'd have to eventually, wouldn't he? He felt quite depressed now.

Jacquie dropped him off outside the front gate and Josh sat perfectly still for a moment, staring out through the windscreen. He saw some of the other students trickling through the gate and over the fences, the bell only a few minutes off. They were quite exposed here, and though no one was watching them, if anyone had wanted to, they could easily have looked through the window and seen them. Josh ignored everyone else though, and leaned over to kiss Jacquie. "I love you," he said.

Jacquie's mouth opened, as though she wanted to speak, but she looked too surprised to do so.

"I want you to know that," said Josh. "That I love you. And that I always will. As more than a sister, too."

Jacquie looked down at her hands, her expression unreadable, and then back up again. "Josh..." she said.

"It's okay," he said quickly. "I know."

"If things were different..."

"I know. And I'd want to. For the rest of our lives."

Jacquie gave him a sad smile and leaned close to kiss him again. "I love you," she said. Josh found her hand and slid his fingers between hers, squeezing tight. He wanted to go home again now; to take Jacquie upstairs and make love to her like they had the first time, when he'd been afraid. He was still afraid, he realised; his whole body was coursing with fear. Fear of hurting her, of betraying her...of losing her. But he wouldn't ever let that happen; he would never lose Jacquie. Ever.

He felt stronger when he got out of the car. He stood on the curb and looked at Jacquie through the window, grateful for her comforting smile. He watched her turn the car around and disappear down the road, gazing after her for some time. He may have stood there all day if he hadn't heard a voice calling him. One of the softest, sweetest voices he had ever heard. He only knew of three others like it.

"Josh," said Valerie, walking towards him with her bag over her shoulders. Her hair was free of its barrettes today, running like sun-touched water down her back. Josh's heart bounced up and down like a jackrabbit, nudging his cheeks up into a smile.

"Hi," he said.

Valerie smiled that brilliant, heart-splitting smile that Josh would have crossed barren deserts just to see. He smiled back, but it seemed feeble in comparison. He fell into step beside her, as they walked to their lockers. The earth could spin around the sun a million times and still Josh would never get used to this. His entire body always seemed alive with consciousness when he was this close to her, as if his hands and feet and arms and ears were all aware of her presence. He never felt quite himself at those times.

"I wanted to ask you something," Valerie said as they walked, at the slow, casual pace of friends. "I've been having trouble with biology lately – I think I failed the last test. So, I was wondering...if you didn't mind maybe you could...you know...help me?"

Her voice was so sweet as she asked him that to resist Josh would have needed a heart of solid stone. But then, he wasn't Dawn.

"Uh...sure," he said. "But...I don't know if I'd be able to help you much. I'm not that great at it myself."

"Better than me, I'm sure," said Valerie. "And we could help each other. It'd be easier studying together."

"Yeah," said Josh. "When should we do it?"

"Well," said Valerie, "we have a spare together on Monday. But that's only one day a week."

Josh looked more closely at the ground (he had already been looking there) and felt his ears start to burn. He turned to Valerie and said, "Well...we could...I mean...if you wanted to...we could...study at my house."

Valerie smiled softly. "Is that okay with you?"

Josh nodded, fairly certain his voice would break if he used it.

"Okay then," she said. "So...when do you want to start?"

Josh's ears burned hotter. "Um...when- whenever you want. We...could start today."

"Today?" said Valerie, and for a second Josh was sure she was going to say something like "Sorry, but I have this wild party I'm going to..." But all she said was, "Okay."

They walked in silence to the locker bay. Josh's heart, stomach, and head weren't silent though; they were screaming madly inside him.

* * *

Josh's day at school was one long, trembling anticipation. He watched the minutes slip by on the clocks in the classrooms and found that he was both dreading and waiting hopefully for them to hit three o'clock. Time was behaving strangely though, trickling slowly by at some points and vanishing in large chunks at others. The last minute of the day, at two fifty-nine in the afternoon, was the most thrilling and frightening of Josh's life. He watched the second hand on the clock in the literature classroom making its ponderous way around the face; each tick and each tock sounding like the word Valerie.

When the bell rang, Josh literally jumped out of his seat, mumbled something which he hoped sounded like good bye to his friends, and sped to his locker. He yanked out his bag (five or six times, as it kept getting caught on the sides) and raced to the front of the school. Breathless, he waited beside the gate, as a stream of students poured out.

He had gotten there rather quickly, so he had to wait close to ten minutes for Valerie to show up. When she did, it seemed like another ten minutes went by with each step she took. She smiled at Josh as she walked towards him, and he was sure his heart was going to pour out of his mouth, completely melted as it was.

"Hi," he breathed hoarsely, as Valerie joined him.

"Hey." She fell into step beside him, and they walked in the direction Josh hoped his house was. "So do you walk to and from school every day?" Valerie asked.

"Most days," said Josh. "My sister gives me a lift sometimes though."

As Josh mentioned his sisters, he suddenly realised that, if he was correct, they would all be home when he got there.Oh, no, he thought. He wasn't sure why he thought it, but he did.

Just as when he had walked with Alice, the scenery seemed to be celebrating Valerie's beauty. Rows of flowers followed her all the way; clouds parted over her head to reveal the blue sky; birds sang their songs from whichever tree was closest to her. Josh couldn't pay much attention to all of that though, as his brain was busy undoing the knots in his stomach.

They arrived at the house and started up the driveway towards the front door, Josh watching Valerie's reaction. She looked up at the house with her usual smile, and Josh hoped that she liked it. He took out his key, slid it into the lock, took a deep breath and opened the door.

He held it open for Valerie and shut it behind her, quickly noting the emptiness of the living room. It sounded as though his sisters were in the kitchen, talking and laughing about something. Josh hoisted his bag onto his shoulder and led Valerie inside with increasing trepidation.

Alice and Dawn were sitting at the table, Jacquie on the bench. They looked up when Josh and Valerie entered, stopping their conversation. "Er...hi," said Josh.Introductions! his brain yelled at him.Right,the rest of him replied. "Um...this is Valerie," he said. "Valerie, this is...Alice, Jacquie and Dawn." He pointed to each of them in turn.

"Hi," said Valerie, smiling timidly. Josh tried to look at his sisters through her eyes, or the eyes of an outsider, and only one thing came to mind:My God they're beautiful. Would Valerie feel intimidated? He hoped not. She looked it though, and the sly smile Dawn was giving her didn't help. It looked as though Dawn was...sizing her up or something.

"Hi," said Jacquie, hopping down off the bench. "It's nice to meet you."Thank you, Josh thought towards her. At least he could count on Jacquie to make Valerie feel welcome. Jacquie was always polite. So was Alice, but she was shy.

"It's nice to meet you, too," said Valerie, looking nervous.

Dawn was grinning. Joshreally didn't like that grin. "So you go to school with Josh?" she asked Valerie.

"Yeah," Valerie replied.

"So what's he like there?" Dawn inquired. "Is he a Teacher's Pet?"

"Dawn!" Jacquie chided her.

"I'm just asking," Dawn replied defensively. She was obviously unfazed by the look of pure, unrestrained fury on Josh's face.

"Don't answer that," Jacquie chimed in. "She's being a twit."

"I amnot being a twit!" Dawn exclaimed indignantly, swivelling around to glare at Jacquie.

Jacquie merely rolled her eyes and turned back to Josh and Valerie. "So what are you two doing?"

"We're...uh...going to study," said Josh.

"All right," said Jacquie. "We'll stay out of your hair."

"Thanks," said Josh. He turned to Valerie, who, unlike him, still looked composed and happy. "You, um...wanna go upstairs?"

"Sure," Valerie replied. Josh looked back at his sisters once more, then led the way to his room.

"Keep it G-rated, kiddies," Dawn called after them. Josh gritted his teeth and started compiling a mental list of things he was going to throw at Dawn, once Valerie left. Pointed metal objects featured quite prominently.

They alighted from the stairs and took the first door on the right – Josh's room. He looked around quickly to make sure there were no clothes on the floor or dirty tissues on the bed, then shut the door behind Valerie. He turned to her, to see her reaction, and felt instantly self-conscious. She was looking around with a curious smile, so very like Alice at that moment. Once again, Josh tried to see things through her eyes, and took in the simple grey curtains, the crowded bookshelf, the...Spidermanbedspread? he realised with a sinking feeling.Damn it, Jacquie, why did you have to put that one on today?

Josh stood in front of his bed, trying in vain to hide it from view. "This...uh...this isn't really mine," he said. "Jacquie sometimes mixes my stuff up with Dawn's. She's a big Spiderman fan."

Valerie giggled. "I would never have guessed."

Josh flushed. He wet his lips with his tongue and dried his hands in his pockets. "So...um...should we...do some studying?"

"Yeah," Valerie replied.

"I'll just get another chair," said Josh, and hurried out of the room. He stopped at the top of the stairs and hurried back. "Are you hungry or thirsty or anything?" he asked, leaning around the door.

"No, I'm fine," Valerie replied with a smile.

Josh nodded. "Okay. I'll be right back." He bolted down the stairs and into the kitchen as fast as he possibly could. He ignored his sisters and picked up a chair. "I'm going to kill you," he said to Dawn before he left, making all three of them laugh.

He stopped outside his room, to regain his breath and composure, then went inside and put the chair down in front of his desk. Valerie sat down and took her books out of her bag. "So they're your sisters?" she said. "They're nice. I don't know what you were talking about."

"They're not nice," said Josh. "Well...Alice is and Jacquie is most of the time, but Dawn is..." He finished with a shake of his head.

Valerie laughed. "I'm sure she loves you deep down inside."

Josh's stomach squirmed like a live earthworm. He took his own books out and tried to ignore Valerie's bare legs. He'd never been so close to her before and never alone with her. This was the single most nerve-racking experience of his life. He felt like some sort of clumsy, hideous beast beside her. She was so soft and beautiful and graceful in comparison. He tried not to think about that though, and they started studying.

It was easier than Josh had thought and far more pleasant. He'd never really had anyone to collaborate with on his schoolwork, but now, he realised how advantageous it was. Between them, they managed to work out most of the things they didn't know and Valerie made a note of the rest to ask her teacher tomorrow. Josh's elevated heart rate and knotted stomach never left him, but they never interfered with his work either.

He looked at Valerie whenever he got the chance, watched her bite her lip in concentration or brush her hair behind her ears when it got in the way. Her handwriting was as elegant as she was, curly and fancy and smooth. The worst was when she took her hands off the desk and hugged her waist as she puzzled over a question or put her pencil down and stretched her arms and neck. Josh thought he'd faint from an overdose of pleasure when she did that.

They spoke about other things while they worked, and Josh found it easy to talk to her. She always seemed genuinely interested in what he had to say. And he was more than interested in anything she had to say. She could be telling him about the mating habits of Brazilian slugs, and he'd still listen with rapt attention. How easy it was to get lost in her voice.

Valerie used the phone to call her mother and tell her they'd be finished around six-thirty. The time passed far too quickly in Josh's opinion, and almost at once, they were closing their books and standing up from the desk.