Past, Present and Future

"You are a strong lady then."

"I am a strong lady," I replied. "I have had to be over recent years. Strong does not mean lacking in emotion and feeling though," I replied with conviction.

"You don't look very strong right now from what I have seen."

I looked at the man again, unsure what to tell him.

"What is your name?" I asked.

"Tom," was his answer.

"Well Tom," I said softly, "I work hard. I solve the problems of others. I see friends. I have interests and hobbies which I pursue. I offer myself little time to be weak. This holiday is for me. I am allowing myself to reflect and grieve. So right now I am weak, but in real life I am strong."

There was another silence as we sat.

"I don't want to tell you anymore right now," I announced. "Let's find a cup of tea."

"Coffee for me," he replied.

We got up and headed toward the tea room nearby.

Tea and Coffee

We sat companionably waiting for our hot drinks to arrive.

"So what is it with all this tea-drinking?" Tom asked with a smile.

"It's just a cultural thing I guess," I replied. "I could not possibly start the day without tea. My whole family are tea drinkers."

Tom looked horrified as I added milk and sugar to my piping hot tea. I grimaced as a tiny strong-looking coffee arrived for him.

"What's the point of that?" I asked. "That'll be gone in a couple of sips!"

"Are you going to tell me your name now Ms Tea snob?" he quizzed.

I looked at him. Again, he somehow felt safe.

"My name is Emma," I stated. Was it my imagination, or did he look puzzled for a second?

"Well Emma," he grinned. "Tell me more about this man."

"Okay Tom. Now where to start..."

Memories

"Sam did return with apologies after taking a short break away from me. He said he was here to stay and would not leave me again. He wanted to know more about me. He wanted to be assured that I was not still hankering after my previous man, and confessed to feeling a little jealous. I told him he had stolen my heart. It sounds inconceivable as it was a long distance love affair, but we were indeed in love. Very quickly, we began to open up to each other again, sharing part of our day with each other and most excitingly talking about our desires."

"It soon transpired that Sam travelled a great deal for his work. I did not ask what his work entailed. I decided I would not pressure him as he would tell me when he felt ready. You see I had begun to realise that our lives were very different. I now live in a small space which I love, and grow plants for a living. He lived in a large house and was probably a wealthy man. It occurred to me that in his real life he was probably very eligible. Sometimes I pictured him surrounded by rich women, each hoping that they would be the one for him. This did not bother me in the slightest. I knew I had his heart and his mind. He seemed hungry to know more about me, to know what I was thinking, feeling. He messaged me every day when he could, sometimes from odd corners of the world. He comforted me when I needed it, he delighted in my successes, and he really wanted me to be happy. When I did get to speak to him via voice message, it was again easy, natural and fun."

"Again, although it was at a distance, the sex was amazing. Our thoughts were often very similar and there was no awkwardness. I began to want Sam for real, began to imagine what it would be like to actually meet him and hold him. At times, he would talk about us being together, but wanted to take his time and wanted to be sure that I was fully recovered from my past. He did not want to take advantage of me. This made me love him even more..."

"Oh, why did it have to go so horribly wrong?"

Back to the Sea Front

Once again, I halted my reminiscence. Tom was looking at me intently, listening to every word. I suddenly felt very exposed. Why was I sharing my thoughts with a virtual stranger?

I got up, fumbled for my bag and left the tea room wordlessly. Tears were threatening again, so I stood in the fresh air taking deep breaths, trying to regain some control. Tom caught up with me very quickly and stood with me looking once more at the sea. He spoke to me softly with concern in his eyes.

"Baby, don't cry."

Just those three words were all it needed to set me off again. My voice cracked and I fought to maintain some dignity.

"You sound so like him."

Tom's arms went around me. He pulled me close and I found I did not mind this at all. To be held by a handsome kind man was such a comfort.

"I'm sorry. It's your accent that set me off," I whispered as I sobbed against his chest. "He used to call me 'baby.' I know it's a common endearment. Silly me. I can't tell you any more right now."

"That's okay," he replied. "It's best to let it out. You'll be just fine."

"Do you think?" I asked, turning my tearstained face to look at him once more.

"I do think," he replied. "You are a gorgeous lady, and yes you are strong."

"I think I need to be on my own for a while Tom," I said apologetically. "Thank you though."

"Why don't you accompany me to the fossil museum at Corfe this afternoon?" he asked. "It might help to do something different with a bit of company."

"Fossils?" I asked.

"Yes, an interest of mine," he replied flushing a little.

I found myself smiling. What a nerd. I began to snigger.

"What's so funny?" he asked looking a little hurt.

"Is this why you are here, to look at fossils?" I asked.

"Yes, this coast is supposed to be amazing for fossil hunting. It's a hobby of mine."

I looked at Tom, squeezed his hand and said, "I would like nothing better."

Fossils

It was rather a novelty to be driven rather than having to drive which is the norm for me. The journey passed without a great deal of conversation as I was enjoying the scenery around me. I love being by the sea, and kept catching glimpses of it on the horizon as we made our way to Corfe.

Corfe Castle is pretty much a ruin on the top of a hill, but dominates the area visually. It always looks magical, and attracts visitors from all over the world. I think Tom was pretty stunned upon seeing it. From what I understand, America just does not have the history that we do in the UK.

We climbed out of the car and made our way to the museum. Tom stood admiring the huge Ammonite that was mounted outside the building.

"Imagine there once being shells that size!" he exclaimed. "That must have taken years and years and years to grow."

We went inside and spent a very enjoyable hour looking at local fossils, and reading about their history. I did indeed find that my mind did not once turn to Sam whilst we were in the museum. When we emerged in the sunshine, Tom decided we should climb the hill and look at the castle. He had bought a guidebook which I thought was cute, and was reading sections avidly. He looked like a proper American tourist.

"Are you ready to tell me more?" Tom asked once we had reached our summit and settled ourselves on the grass to admire the view from such a high vantage.

"I'll tell you a little more," I replied.

Memories

"I began to feel afraid. I had opened up to Sam so easily. He never pressured me to reveal specific details of my life, but I did tell him more bit by bit. I told him about my family, my closest friends, about the people who had disappointed me. I even told him that this was my favourite part of the coast. He knew my name, the town in which I lived, and of course knew a great deal about my job."

"I knew a great deal about Sam in terms of his hopes, his desires, his two best friends and a little about his family. He told me his family and friends were amazed that he had been talking to one woman for such a long period of time. They had given up hope it would seem of him ever settling."

"What I did not know was his surname, what he did for a job and who he actually was. Everything he told me tied together, so there was no reason to doubt him. It would take some kind of a genius to keep track of everything he had told me, everything we discussed and not begin to make mistakes if he were not who he said he was. So no, this was not a problem. What had become a problem for me was that I had indeed become vulnerable. If Sam were to be taken ill, I would never know and never be able to find him. If he were to tire of me, all he would have to do is delete his email and messaging facilities and I would be gone. This scared me, but I did not feel I could push him and wanted him to open up to me when he felt ready."

"Sam got the odd glimpse of my doubts and fears on occasion I think. Once I thought he was leaving me and I responded badly. He was angry with me. I did not wish to own this man, wanted him to be free to pursue his work, his interests, his friendships, but I wanted to meet him for real. He was aware that I must have concerns as to why he was keeping his privacy, and told me it would all come clear and we would laugh about it one day. I felt reassured by this. We continued to talk to each other regularly, make each other laugh and make each other cum with some kind of passion."

Corfe Castle

"That's enough for now Tom," I stated. "The next part will be the hardest, and I am not ready for that yet."

"That's okay," he replied. "This is some kind of story. You have me hooked. It seems he was a lucky man."

"Yes, maybe he was," I thought out loud. "You see, I don't think he believed I was real. Woman can be cruel and hurtful. I pretty much realised by now that he was in some kind of position in his work that could be damaged badly by a woman who was scorned or even lacking in tact. I think he was scared to tell me more. What a silly man. I would never hurt someone I had loved. I am who I am."

Tom put his arm around me and squeezed me. Nothing was said, but I found I did not mind this at all. We continued to sit in silence enjoying the view, both perhaps lost in our own individual thoughts. Without a second thought, I leaned in closer and rested my head on his chest. His arm pulled me tighter to his body which was nice. Very nice indeed.

As the sun began to set, we stood up and made a slow descent towards Tom's parked rental car, and he drove us back to the hotel.

"Will you eat out with me tonight?" Tom asked me as he switched the car engine off.

"No sweetie, not tonight," I replied. "I think I have done enough storytelling today, and just need to be by myself."

His face fell a little.

"Maybe tomorrow if you are still here?" I asked.

"I will still be here," he replied with a smile, and gave me a little peck on the cheek.

I thanked him, and went to my room. I was surprised to feel my cheek tingling pleasantly after this little innocent kiss.

Breakfast

Tom settled himself at my table for two just as I had poured my morning tea and was tucking into scrambled egg on toast.

"Morning," he said. "You really do like your tea don't you?"

I smiled.

"Couldn't do without it I'm afraid."

Tom ordered himself a coffee and bacon and egg and toast.

"What are you up to today?" he asked.

"I'm not sure," I replied.

"I have been reading my guidebook and there is a little abandoned village I would really like to visit. Do you think you might like this?" he queried.

"The lost village of Tyneham," was my response. "Yes, it has a lovely beach nearby too. I have been many times. We'll have to check it is open as it is on an army range."

"Are you going to tell me the final part of your story?" Tom asked.

"I might. I just might," was all I said.

The Lost village of Tyneham

Tyneham was a small rural village before World War 2. The residents gave up their homes for the good of their country and the military took over the area. Sadly, much of the village was destroyed through target practice and the residents never got their homes restored to them. The manor house was obliterated. The little Church and school remain and the shells of some cottages. It is now open to the public, but remains army land.

I drove Tom this time so that he could admire the scenery. He continued to read his guidebook, seeming hungry for historical information. Again, I thought this very endearing.

We walked around the village, went into the Church, and Tom took photographs. I returned to the car briefly to collect a picnic I had put together, and we began our walk to the beach.

The beach itself is very pebbly. We found a large flat rock to sit on and ate our lunch with enjoyment.

"Tell me the rest," Tom requested once the picnic was tidied away. "Let it out, deal with it, and then perhaps you can move on."

"I'll try," is all I could manage.

Once again, we sat in silence. This time, Tom put his arm around me. I felt safe, and began the final instalment.

"Someone interfered, Tom. I know this now. How it hurts..."

Memories

"I woke up one summer morning to a very odd email from Sam. It didn't matter how many times I read it and reflected. It just did not make sense to me at all. In this email, he implied that I had had some sort of interaction with a woman that he knew. I had always known that he dated casually, but had asked not to hear about this. He said there had also been emails from me asking about this woman."

"Again, I re-read the email and just did not understand. Being me, I initially thought I must be at fault. I felt hurt, anxious and confused. How on earth, (bearing in mind I did not even know Sam's surname), could I have had a conversation with someone he knew? I am not psychic or clairvoyant!

"This played on my mind. I knew I had not emailed him about a woman. I had never heard of her before. What could have happened?"

"I have had many weeks to ponder this puzzle. I now think that this woman was someone who wanted Sam badly, and wanted me out of the way. As I have discussed, he was open about me to friends and family and they were amazed that someone had kept him interested for so long. Women can be horrid. They can go to extreme measures to get what they want. If his emails were unattended, how difficult would it be to set up a new address so similar to mine that unless it was under scrutiny it would appear to be me? Perhaps one digit of the address could be changed, maybe the letter 'l' to a number '1'? How hard would it be to tell a few lies? After all, I was not there to defend myself. Perhaps this is far-fetched? Maybe I am wrong, but one thing is clear in all of this. This woman knew about me clearly. She implied she had communicated with me. She lied."

"It hurt beyond words to think that Sam clearly believed that I could be sneaky, that I somehow by some means, (a magic wand maybe) had the facility to find out who he was, to interfere with his life. After all the trust we had built, all the dreams we had shared, all the hopes that we had."

"I suppose this woman now has what she wants. I wonder if she can sleep at night knowing what she did. I hope it was worth it."

Sitting on a flat rock

"My worst fears came true Tom," I whispered. "He deleted his email. He deleted everything. He said I was better off without him. He went. He left me. I do not know how to find him. I will never know what truly happened. He broke my heart."

This time, the tears really did start. I put my head against Tom's chest and cried in wracking sobs. I cried until I could hardly breathe. He held me. He stroked my hair. He kissed the top of my head. When my sobs began to subside, I looked directly at Tom.

"I have had to live with this. I have had to live knowing that he lost trust in me, doubted my integrity, and doubted my love. I would never have hurt him. I would never have betrayed him. There are clearly people around him that have and would hurt him however in real life. This upsets me too as I am not there to protect him."

"So that was the last you heard from him?" Tom asked.

"Yes," I replied. "How on earth would I search for a man called Sam who lives in a town near Dallas? It would be like putting a needle in a haystack. Anyway, he does not want me now so even if I were by some miracle to find him, it would be pointless."

Tom put his arms around me and held me close. When I looked up at him once more, he looked sad and concerned.

"That's my story then," I said. "The worst thing is I keep kidding myself that he will return. I sometimes imagine that he will just appear at my door and sweep me off my feet or be waiting outside my Church for me on a Sunday to take me to lunch. I now know that this will never happen. He has gone for good. Oh dear Tom, I told you I was a silly woman."

"No, not silly," he replied. "Overly trusting maybe. Come on, I'll take you back to the hotel."

We walked back to Tyneham and to my parked car. Tom held my hand as we walked and it felt good.

"Will you eat out with me tonight?" he asked.

"Yes I will," I replied. "I'll even put a dress on."

Dinner

I found as I bathed and began to get ready that my heart felt a little lighter. It had helped hugely to be able to tell someone about Sam. Maybe I would recover now?

I had only packed one dress with me as I had planned to be mostly outdoors during my holiday. I combed my long damp hair, slipped the dress on over my head, and stepped into some little flat ballet shoes. If we were to walk any distance, or on the beach again, high heels would be stupid. Before I exited the room, I put on a dab of lipstick.

Tom was waiting for me at the hotel entrance. He looked at me and his eyes widened.

"Oh my, Ms Emma you look good," he drawled. "That dress fits you like a glove."

"Thank you," I replied breathlessly, and quickly put on my coat as we headed outside.

Tom took my hand, and we walked a short distance to an old pub which looked like it provided good food. The weather was not yet really cold, but it was pleasing to see that an open fire had been lit. We settled at a table nearby. Tom went to the bar to get us a drink each and fetch menus. I waited patiently and focussed my gaze on the fire, letting my mind drift.

"Miles away?" Tom asked.

"Sorry," I replied. "I was miles away."

"Were you thinking about Sam?"

"I was," I confessed. "Sam is a business man. He takes time to make big decisions in his work and is not a risk taker. I think he saw me as a bad business proposition in the end. He was after perfection. Perfection does not exist. We are just people. I am just a person."

"You are a sweet person," Tom smiled. "That is obvious to me."

"I think you are quite sweet too."

Without stopping to think, I raised myself up from my chair a little, leaned forward and kissed Tom gently on the lips.

"Thank you for being so kind to me dear man," I whispered in his ear, then sat back down.

I looked at Tom, and was pleased to see that he was smiling. He really was rather cute with short brown hair and an open friendly face. I had actually noticed also when walking to the pub that he had a pleasing physique. It was nice to be beginning to find a man attractive again.

We ordered our food and chatted easily.

"Tell me more about you Tom," I requested.

He proceeded to tell me a bit more about his interest in fossils and the outdoors generally. He liked to hike and go camping, and we found we had a great deal to talk about. The time passed quickly, our meals eaten, and before long it was late.

"Let's have a quick walk on the beach before going back to the hotel," Tom suggested.