Penetration Testing

He moves through the nave with the easy grace of someone who wants nothing. Each step sliding into place and coming down quietly on the flagstone floor. His eyes explore the room, settling on details of stonework and bright stained glass windows, tugging his head and the rest of his body along behind, and every so often, when his face is pulled my way, I catch sight of the slightest smile caught upon his lips, as if something in the stonework pleases him, or perhaps the sweet taste of a kiss.

From my seat by the brochure stand at the back of the nave, I watch, and wonder what would bring such a man into St Michael's Cathedral at 2pm on a Tuesday.

You get all sorts in the cathedral: there are priests, all about their business, and zealots, immaculate, channeling the power of the lord (or more likely, hungry for the power of the church). There are lost souls yearning for the cool balm of certainty, and tourists seeking a photo opportunity, looking to gorge themselves on sights and memories. And Fast Eddy. Always Fast Eddy, asking for a couple dollars and a chance to use the public washroom.

There are patterns, and when the pattern breaks it feels... significant. Curious. Unsettling. An awareness of ones breath, arising from such a trivial thing.

I watch as the intruder moves. Each movement rolling into the next, as he crouches down to read a plaque, then stands, rolling his sleeve up and stepping over to sit sideways on a pew warn smooth by the butts of ten thousand faithful.

His hair is sleek black curls. His shirt white, with the hint of a pattern sewn into it: white flowers on a white background.

This must be how Lucifer appeared, arrogant and smiling before his fall from heaven.

He pulls out a sketch pad and a thick black fountainhead. Slouching into his seat, I watch as he stares up towards the roof, his hand moving: a sharp precise fidget. He blinks a quick back and forth between image and reality, and I can't help but look up at the mess of rafters he is staring at.

Like living in the hull of an upturned boat.

The thrill of it, the thrill of realization, of seeing the world with new eyes.

I gaze back down, watch him, not wanting to interrupt. A second or so later I catch myself fidgeting, self conscious. I force myself to stand up, launching off on my obligatory patrol of the Cathedral for the hour.

Breath in, breath out.

I make plans to steal a quick glance at his sketch on my return trip.

By the time I get back he's gone.

* * * * * * * *

That night I allow myself to soak in the bath, sipping champaign and listening to two hours of eclectic chillhop from three dozen nameless little bands, each tune fading into the next. The soap smells of eucalyptus, the shampoo of aloe vera.

I close my eyes and allow my hands to wander, wondering what it might be like to share the tub with someone.

Sexy, tender, but totally impractical.

You'd need a bigger tub for that.

And far fewer concerns about flooding the hallway.

I allow myself to submerge, feeling my breathing instinctively still, and I dream what it might be like to melt way, or become a whale, swimming in the open ocean, a million miles of sea in every direction, my hair like seaweed around me.

A bath tub with no walls.

I wonder what his voice might have sounded like. What we might have talked about if I had talked to him.

I touch myself and wonder about his name.

* * * * * * * *

Wednesday passes like an eternity. Flicking through the bibles on the shelf, I can readily imagine where people got the idea of purgatory, and it irritates me.

This is the best the philosophers of old have to look forward to? The unbaptized children? The decent folk of other faiths?

I am a little hazy on the details on that. My understanding is that expectations change from church to church, and the policy at St Michael's probably changes depending on the priest.

Well, at least the old bastards get to sit around arguing together.

And that is the thought that fills me with warmth and leaves me smiling for the rest of the day.

* * * * * * * *

Thursday he returns, ambushing me as I return from a patrol. He's standing in front a tapestry examining not the image, but the thread work, tilting his head as if from that angle he might understand it better.

As I approach, he turns and smiles at me, pale green eyes locking on to my own for one... two seconds, before slipping past, returning to that thousand mile stare, a look of abstraction, the turning cogs practically visible as he wanders past.

I feel invisible, bereft of words, irrelevant.

Yet somehow I still feel warm.

I feel the cool dry air of the church against my legs, remember that I am meant to be moving. I return to my seat.

I want him.

No... more than that. Something else. How to explain it?

I want to be him.

Or...

I lean back, relax, all the tension draining out of me. Allow my eyes to wander the great curved beams of the roof, the detailed stonework, experiencing the texture of things, the angles of light.

I want to see the world through his eyes.

Have you ever felt like that? Seen someone and just known, that through their eyes, the world is a vast and glorious place?

The thought comes with a smile. A smug, rueful smile that wriggles and twists between my lips, uncomfortable, warm, exquisite.

I have seen this smile before.

I know it well.

I can have those eyes. I can have whatever I want from him.

I just have to have courage.

I just have to learn.

I watch him. Admire him. Let my eyes fasten upon him, upon his movement, and drink him in unabashed.

Why should I feel shame?

We spend so long being taught to be ashamed.

"Don't stare- its impolite."

But why should we feel ashamed? What for?

I want him.

These aren't my thoughts I'm thinking.

They don't feel like my thoughts. I don't know where they come from.

But I like them.

My eyes drizzle over him, and I am aware of the nerves between my thighs- the skin ticklish, and something in my belly cold, feeling hollow, impatient for the heat of another human being.

After an hour I can sense his work winding to an end, pace over to stand nearby, leaning against one of the great stone columns, watching him, aware of the breeze against my legs, aware of my breathing.

He finishes. Rolls his shoulders and caps his pen.

"Hey pretty boy, mind showing a girl your talent?"

He turns, looks me in the eye, continues packing up. Relaxed. Unsurprised.

"Which talent did you have in mind?"

"Just the picture, ain't looking for anything special."

He fishes in the bag for the images, pulling it out carefully and presenting it to me with a flourish. I take hold of it, turning it face up and studying carefully.

The paper is heavy. The line work is crisp, sharp even, shadows stained into the paper and bleeding in places, all done deliberately, all done in a faithful rendition of the western arch of St Michael's. He's captured the stained glass window, the dozens of sharp edge hues distilled down to a fractured portrait of subtle shades, except it isn't Jesus and his disciples in the image, but instead a figure, some gallant Joan of arc atop an armored white charger, and when I see her face, when I meet the eyes of this prophetic vision, I recognize her at once:

Me.

That can't be right.

That's impossible,

I-

My hands tremble, my fingers reach out to touch the image as if expecting the image to spark to life, as if expecting to step into the image.

We're one and the same aren't we? Me and that image.

Could you truly capture me so easily?

I can't understand the image, can't articulate, the significance, the uncertainty in me. I need it, need to understand, and-

"What do you think?"

"I..." I can feel his warmth, leaning up against the stone pillar beside me, his gaze, penetrating me now, the same relaxed interest he showed to the tapestry, to the stonework, the same interest and something more...

"You make me look far grander than I feel,"

"And do you want to feel grand?"

"No," I turn, suddenly certain. I push the picture back towards him. "The woman in this picture is a hero, a champion- someone hard edged. That's not me."

"You don't want to be a hero?"

"I want to see the world that's out there. This woman's got to much steel in her eyes to see clearly."

"Huhhhh... That's quiet the philosophy you have." The boy is looking at me, looking me up and down with those gray green eyes, as if, despite his artistry, he is seeing me for the first time. "Care to join me for dinner?"

* * * * * * * *

Kintaro Ramen is a notoriously greasy noodle shop, on the corner of 33^rd and Trafalgar. Me and the girls used to go there after the movies, making jokes about each others curves and waistlines while slurping down noodles that presumably keep the local cardiologist in business.

The atmosphere is good, like something out of Bladerunner, with weird taxidermy fish on the wall, and a stack of TV sets from the 80s playing a grainy mix of cartoons, decade old news reels, and Chinese soap opera.

"I can see why you like this place," Danial gestures out the window with his chopsticks. "Good place for people watching."

"Oh yeah- me and Tina used to do that all the time. Sat here long enough a couple times that the owner kicked us out."

"What do you think those two are doing?"

I follow his eyes to a pair of overweight geezers in grubby shirts. "They're old Mafiosos," I explain, gulping down a clump of oily goodness "Not anyone important, but they've been with the family a long time."

"Reminiscing about the good old days."

"Try to decide which of the young upstarts to throw their support behind, not really liking any of them."

Danial nods sages at this. "Best we steer clear of them. Wouldn't want to be caught up in any blood feuds."

Its 6pm, and Kintaro is full. Me and Daniel are perched right next to each other, both facing out the front window, our arms practically overlapping, so with every movement we rub against one another, the fabric of his shirt both rough and soothing against my bare arm. Each gesture as he speaks brushes at my skin, reminds me of exactly how close this boy is.

"What about her?" I pick out a leggy blond on the other side of the street, interested to see how he'll react.

Danial glances up at her, then shrugs, returns his focus to the noodle box. "Young heiress" he explains "Some sort of corporate money, probably shipping. Currently waiting for her parents to die so she can free up the family money and use it to push through her political agenda."

"Which is?"

"Artisan eugenics. She can't stand to see poor people on the street, the sick, children with snotty noses, large shoes, the lot." He flaps a hand dismissively back and forth.

Silently I lean into him, I allow my mind to wander, as I take my next mouthful, thinking about all the fancy Italian or Filipino restaurants we could be eating at- reputable places where we sit on opposite sides of the table and make polite conversation while enjoying the "Cuisine".

"Do you think we should stop her?" I gesture back at the woman "Stop her from taking over the city and sterilizing people with large shoes?"

Daniel shrugs "Saving the day is not my business."

"And what is your business?"

He dabs at his mouth with a napkin, turning to face me as best he can amongst the clutter.

"I'm a thief."

I snort, almost choking on my noodles, impressed with his deadpan, and momentarily in dire need of oxygen.

He watches me solemnly as I cough and splutter, offering me my own napkin as I recover, and then waits for me to catch my breath.

"Bastard," I mutter "You waited till my mouth was full before you said that."

"Well yes..." and then he leans forward conspiratorially, smiling, "Although I will note that it is also true that I am a professional burglar"

I hold his gaze, the intensity of it, the mischievous smile, I can feel his breath against my throat, a hand rest on my lower back, the movement so natural in the confines of the Ramen shop...

So... not a "Boy" after all...

I don't know whether I should hit you or kiss you.

I want this.

But...

Instinctively my hand settles on his arm. We hold each others gaze, trapped for a moment, like a tableau.

You're not the only one who knows how to play the game...

"What's to stop me going to the police with this...rather reckless confession."

"They already know."

"Oh?"

"They're one of my top employers. Them, and the art gallery, and the airport."

He leans back, runs fingers through his black curls ruefully, "Okay, so I guess I should cut out the mystery. I get paid to test security. If I manage to steal anything of value I get paid a bonus, and then I give back whatever I've snagged and tell my clients how I manged to break in."

"So your not really a thief."

"Technically, my job title is ``Penetration tester'' -"

I snort, only just managing to avoid choking on my noodles a second time.

"... as you can imagine that didn't go down to well last time I mentioned that on a date."

"Oh, I think it could go down real well... if your girl knew what she was doing."

Daniel rolls his eyes, and I snigger.

"Ha. Ha." He gives me an unimpressed look "On the other hand, if she considers herself a lady of virtue, and does not know the intricacies of the international security industry she is likely throw a drink in your face and shove you off your chair."

"Well its a good thing that I do not consider myself a lady of virtue."

He studies my body, and I can feel it. Feel his eyes catching at the buttons of my shirts, tracing out the folds and creases of my dress, prickling against the bare skin between my shoulder blades. I feel like a block of marble being examined by a sculptor - his gaze an intoxicating mix of curiosity and desire.

"Quiet so. It would be a terrible shame for a lady such as yourself to waste her life on virtue"

My eyes close.

Breath in.

Breath out.

I feel fabric brushing against my abdomen, feel the back of the stool on the small of my back, and his gaze, brushing along my neck, around my ear, tangling itself amongst my hair.

Around us, dishes clatter, and people argue with one another in Russian and Vietnamese. I feel myself leaning forward into the darkness, and somehow he places a single finger beneath my chin, guiding me up and forward, towards his lips.

I am standing, and our lips meet, soft. His fingertips slide through my hair, and we kiss, again and again, my hands around his waist, leaning into him, eyes closed, the clatter of plates and chopsticks, moving chairs, the world melting into the background, irrelevant.

You're so present.

So here.

I want someone to take a picture of this.

Take a photo.

Record this moment so that I can hang on to it forever and touch myself as I watch the recording.

I pull back, just enough to meet his eyes. I feel the pressure of his knees around my waist. I feel warm, cold, hollow, overflowing, exhilarated, calm.

"Hey!"

A stranger. Yelling at us.

He might have been yelling for a while.

"You ain't going to eat your food? Fuck off- got make eyes at each other outside!"

* * * * * * * *

Strangers wash past, incomprehensible fragments: a gang of teenagers in dark hoodies, a Suit, a blue tie, workman's shoes, cigarette smoke. Mismatched items knocking against my awareness, as Danial pulls me forward, the warmth of his hand- clammy with sweat- his? Mine? I can't tell. I don't care. Nothing matters, nothing matters.

My heart beats. Hammers. Twists. Flutters.

We should be talking- getting to know one another, but instead I yearn for him to take me somewhere private, and then... and then...

His body moves through the crowd: an anchor for my vision. We turn.

There are only physical sensations: footfalls on the pavement. Momentum arrested as we hit a glass door, push past, slide through. Open space, marble floors, polished yellow metal in the lobby, and I want to be touched. He holds me close, wraps arms around me as we stand waiting for the elevator.

I breath.

Lean my head back against his shoulder.

Let his warmth soak into me.

I breath in.

He breathes out.

He breathes in.

I breath out.

I want you.

I can feel it.

A predator prowling on the edge of my mind- that wild hunger. That desperation, hungry rage, the piece of me that wants to give myself away. A hollow feeling waiting to be filled.

But not yet. Not yet.

I feel weightless, content, patient anticipation, his body pressed against me, folded around me, enveloping me from every angle.

I watch the numbers on the elevators display ticking down. I want to always feel this way.

The lift arrives. Doors open.

Danial takes my hand, unspools me into the elevator, and steps in himself, leaning against the opposite wall.

The doors close, and we regard each other.

"Tell me about yourself. Tell me about your job at the Cathedral."

He wants to know He wants to know because he wants to know. No small talk. No agenda. Pure brute curiosity. An interest in another human being.

He draws pictures because he wants to draw.

He asks questions because he wants to know.

And he is taking me back to his hotel room because he wants this.

No keeping score. No running away from loneliness or heartbreak.

Only desire.

A man who does whatever he wants.

The knowledge hits me and I blush. I want to be like that myself, present in the moment. I'm not, and I know it, and I hate myself for it. I guess I never saw people like that growing up, and now... I look away, feel the heat in my face, steal glances of him in the countless reflections of the elevators mirrors. I am painfully aware of my own reflections- feeling like a star-struck schoolgirl, my ankle twisting this way and that.

Get a grip Rowan!

"I..."

He wants to know.

And he's looking at me.

And he's not impatient, or annoyed, or wondering what I am thinking about.

He's just standing there.

Looking at me.

Wanting to know.

"It says on the books that I'm there to keep an eye on things- make sure no one steals the silverware or goes around vandalizing the stained glass windows."

"Oh yes?"

"But actually the bishop just hired me to stop any teenagers from fucking each other in the Vestry"

Danial blinks. "I see..."

I nod, even more self conscious than before.

I'm a fucking adult, I don't need to flip out like this, I don't need-

Danial steps forward.

"Rowan,"

He meets my eyes. His hand reaches out, takes hold of mine, our fingers intertwining as he presses me up against the wall, slides a hand around my waist.

Breath in.

Breath out.

"You are beautiful and intelligent and you don't have to worry about impressing me, or saying the right thing... because you've already said so many right things, and I want you."

The Elevator comes to a halt, and for a moment we are weightless, and I am in his arms, pressed against my own reflection. His lips are pressed against my forehead. My heart is beating.