Penthouse and the Space Vixens

This story is a shameless piece of plagiarism. Anyone who wants to read the one that inspired it, find a copy of a story by Isaac Asimov calledPlayboy and the Slime God. It’s not as racey as this one, but it’s far superior in all other ways.

*****

Late at night, on a cold and wet street in the middle of Edinburgh, a young man hunched his shoulders against the wind and rain and stared miserably into the distance, hoping to see the bus loom out of the drizzle. He was tired and irritable and just wanted to go home. And he was becoming more and more suspicious that the last bus had already been and gone and he was faced with the prospect of a long and dismal walk.

He was dimly aware that he wasn’t alone at the stop, but this did little to cheer him. The most comfort he could derive from the presence of another hopeful was that perhaps there was still some chance that the bus might yet arrive. He didn’t like to consider the possibility that he was not the only one who might be wrong.

He glared one more time at the timetable, glared one more time at his watch and pondered the possibility that it might have stopped. That thought nagged at him. He tried to dismiss it, but couldn’t. He glared at it again, then shook it and put it to his ear. He really should have bought one with a second hand, he felt. Or at least a reasonably loud tick. Anything to indicate that it still functioned. Finally, he turned to the other person standing at the stop.

“Excuse me…” he started, then tailed off.

She looked at him, warily. It wasn’t always a good idea to get into conversation at this time of night on an empty Edinburgh street. Even the most harmless of drunks, could still be completely moronic, extremely obnoxious and incredibly persistent.

“Yes?” she answered, but quickly became aware that he was no longer looking at her. He was now looking over her shoulder. She turned to see what had caught his attention.

Two people were walking towards them.

Without any kind of conscious volition, she stepped closer to him. “Are theynaked?” she whispered.

“What sex are they?” he responded.

Now, as questions go, these two would never ordinarily have gone together. In this case, however, they both held their individual merits. The two newcomers were indeed naked, but neither of them held so much as a single male or female sexual characteristic. They were totally genderless, hairless and were walking directly towards the man and woman.

It is likely that they would have elicited further comments from the two, had they not been lying unconscious in the gutter, by this point. The two creatures looked down at them and held a brief conference, during which it was decided that they had found the perfect specimens for their experiment. Then all four blurred, faded and disappeared. Shortly after that, playing host to the full spirit of Sod’s law, the bus arrived, dropped off a lone passenger and then continued on its way.

A short while later, the young man regained consciousness and found himself lying on top of a slab and staring at the ceiling of a cold and sterile room. He turned his head to the right and stared straight into the eyes of the woman he had been talking to at the bus stop, who was lying on a similar slab next to him. Even as he saw the straps crossing over her body and felt the presence of similar ones crossing his own, he tried to sit up. Predictably, he failed.

Suddenly angered, he started struggling against his restraints and shouting for someone to release him, and was rewarded by the sound of a door humming open. As a lifelong reader and watcher of trashy science fiction, this was a sound he recognised instantly and took comfort in. It implied (he felt) the cosy, comfortable kind of alien abduction scenario found in prime time television of a couple of years back, rather than the more sinister sort that was beginning to feature in more and more of the currently popular TV programmes.

He twisted his head to the left and saw the two genderless “people” he assumed were responsible for his abduction – at least, they could have been the same two. How the hell could he possibly tell them apart?

“Is interpretational protocol type thing in condition of make speech clear to subject thingys?” one of them asked.

“What? What do you mean?” he answered.

“Understanding is am. Good. Comprehension is clear of subject syntax.” The alien said. “Explanation thingys now desiring, yes? Is Jenny am I. Is Jacky is colleague. Is make obeservy-study of people have been I. Many long times have been watchy-watch. Is now desiring interaction type thing. Is choose you at random. Representative type things of dominant species are both. Either gender are both. Is necessary. What name designation own you both?”

The two captives twisted their heads and looked at each other in confusion. Strangely, the garbled words of the alien (Jenny?Come on! What kind of name wasthat for an alien?) had had an interesting side effect in that it diffused a lot of the tension they had both been experiencing – just how could it be possible to be frightened of something that spoke like that?

“You want our names?” the woman said, eventually.

“Name thing designations, please, yes” Jenny clarified, helpfully.

“Anne Doyle” said the woman.

“James MacBeth,” the man answered. He paused a moment, then added with a hint of embarrassment; “Pleased to meet you.”

“Is releasing gases in room before wakey wakey time. Is make transition thing easier for both. Buggy monster type things are. Make go screamy frantic. Gas inhibit xeno-scare factor. Make both happy-things, yes?”

“Happy? Well, I wouldn’t quite gothat far.” said Anne. “Youhave kidnapped us, after all. But since you mention it, I s’pose I don’t feel as scared as I should do.”

“Is kidnap thing necessary. Invitations make scarey-screamy things. Not time for gas to make calmness.”

“OK. We’ll accept that for the moment.” Anne said slowly; picking her words very carefully. “If you untie us, now, please?”

Jenny looked at Jacky for a moment, who stepped forward and spoke for the first time.

“Make violence thing?”

Anne and James shook their heads innocently.

“Not attack?”

More shaking.

“Having defence to punchy-punch runaway thing.”

Raised eyebrows. Questioning looks. More radiated innocence.

Jacky raised something that looked like a large TV remote control and waved it at them. “Hurty thing. Making pain if punchy-punch Demonstration thing required?”

“We won’t fight.” James answered. “We just want to get up”

Jacky nodded at Jenny, who walked over to a panel next to the door and pressed part of it. Smoothly, the restraints that had been holding Anne and James down slid back and retracted into the sides of the slabs. They sat up slowly; taking care not to make any aggressive movements, then swung their legs down and stood up. The slabs slid down into the floor and disappeared.

They looked round the room and saw the things that had, until then, been hidden from their points of view. What appeared to be a table was positioned at the foot of where the slabs had been. It looked like there were books and magazines piled on top of it. James wandered over to look at them, with an exaggeratedly casual demeanour.

“What do you want from us?” Anne asked. There was no fear in her voice – only simple curiosity. An effect of the gas?

“Observation thing. Watchy watch. See interaction thing.”

“But you said that you’d been watching us for a while now.” Anne said. “Didn’t you get all the information you needed from that?”

“Is personal private type things observing required. Interaction understood to have deeper levels unseen. Observings difficult.”

Anne looked at James’s back, as she started to make certain connections. She wondered what was in the magazines he was looking at. She looked back at Jenny and waited for more information.

“Both same species, yes?” Jenny asked.

“Yes. We’re both human.”

“But both different? Not same humans?”

“No, there are differences.”

“Is seeing different humans everywhere. Faces different. Colours different. But all humans have two sames, is correct? Is so in mature humans, is believing. Immatures being more similars, before changings become clear. Is correct?”

“There are men and women – is that what you mean?”

“Is woman with bumpy bits on chest?”

Anne had felt the blush start a few moments ago, but now it was spreading across her face. She nodded and strained surreptitiously to see over James’s shoulder. “I’m a woman, yes. And I have breasts.”

“And man have dangle bit? Bumpy bits make dangle bit not dangle? Is correct?”

James turned round at last, still holding one of the magazines he had been flicking through. It came as no surprise to Anne at all that it was what is generally known as a “men’s” magazine. He held it up for her to see, then laid it back down on the table and walked over to join her.

“Is James dangle bit dangle or stand?” Jenny asked.

“It’s um… It’s dangling. Just now.” He answered.

Anne raised a malicious eyebrow. “After the attention you were giving those porno-mag’s?” she said.

“It takes more than a couple of pictures to giveme a stiffy.” He answered.

“Perhaps more explainings being in desire thing?” Jacky said.

Jenny nodded and looked at Anne and James. “Is so?”

“It couldn’t hurt.” Anne answered.

“Is being brief, then. Is alien to you, yes? Is one type alien – no others. Is one colour. Is having no differences from others. No bumpy bit in some, dangly bit in others. Is believing difference in humans being in reproduction thing. Is having no act. Is only spawning self to propagate. Is mean spawn being same as self. Same DNA thing. Very few difference between alien and alien. All similar

“Human DNA different. Man thing and woman thing share DNA in propagation act thing. New combinations creating, yes? Is so? Is incomprehensible to aliens. Is scarcely believing in self. Is not believing at all in Jacky. If so, humans having huge difference type thing. Can scarcely be same species,

“Consequence things being incredible. Always change, yes? Land mass things have different speechings. Have different culturings? Have different deity-gods even? Is beyond comprehensionings. Aliens being stable. Aliens having little changings. Aliens beingpeaceful.

“Is studying book/magazine things and doing much reads. Is come across much information in many books, but is seeing many conflictions in accounts and attitudes. Is seeing many pictures. But pictures not seeming accurate also. Is not seeing many tales about changings in DNA. Is wishing to find ways to inhibit changings before human things achieve space travel. Human things dangerous.

“Is wishing to separate facting from fictioning. Is why both brought here.”

Jenny lapsed into silence again and the two humans looked at each other. Neither were totally sure, but both had perceived a certain amount of threat in what Jenny had said. It seemed clear that the alien had misinterpreted a lot of information, but the line between sex and the recombination of DNA in the human body had seemed to become blurred in its imagination. Neither of them knew quite how to correct this misinterpretation and both were unsure of the wisdom as to actually even attempting to do so.

Finally, they turned back to the aliens and Anne spoke again. “So where do we come in?”

“Is wish look at bodies. Is wish humans remove body sheaths and show selves. Is wish studies make of unsheathed bodies and observe sexual happenings.”

“Like hell!” Neither Anne nor James could honestly claim to have not seen this coming, but now that it was finally out in the open, they could give their reactions at last. Predictably enough, it was Anne who was the more vehement and vocal of the two. “If you think I’m going to get stripped in front of a total stranger, then you’re bloody well wrong. I’m not that kind of girl!”

“Is social conditioning thing making clear.” Jenny said. “Is nudity big bad taboo thing in human culture. Gases removing inhibition things. Subliminal message whispery things weaken social condition things during sleep. Is habit now. Is responses to learnings, but responses not true.”

Anne edged closer to James and said quietly; “Is it saying what I think it’s saying?”

“That we should be less inhibited and more open to suggestion? I think so.”

She pulled herself upright, set her shoulders and faced Jenny once more. “I don’t care what you’ve done, mate. I’m still not taking my clothes off for anyone.”

Jenny started trembling very slightly. “Is not understanding thing. Is make taboo into not-taboo. Nudey thing not bad now. Whispery thing make changing.”

“Is bad?” Jacky asked her.

“Is bad. Is not take body sheaths off.”

“Is perhaps easier making take body sheaths off slowly. In staging things.” Jacky suggested.

Jenny swung back to Anne with a more hopeful air. “Is perhaps taking off upper/outer body sheath?”

“Like hell!”

“Is mean ‘no’?”

Anne paused for a moment, considered the responses to that question and evaluated the chances of miscommunications due to the aliens’ garbled syntax. “Too bloody right!” she said, eventually.

Jenny pressed a button on the control panel and there was an audible click in the air, then she turned to Jacky. They huddled together for a few moments and began an animated discussion in which Anne and James could make out nothing. Jenny suddenly scurried over to the table, snagged a book from it and rejoined Jacky. She opened the book, pointed at a page and babbled incoherently. Jacky stared at it and babbled back. Jenny waved the book helplessly and babbled some more. Finally, they seemed to reach an agreement and Jenny pressed the button again and turned to James.

“Is desiring of male thing to tear upper/outer body sheath from female thing and ‘revealing the soft, round swelling of her tender young breasts’. Is seeing many references to such in fiction story things. Is making connections between aggressive upper/outer body sheath tearing and rising passion things.” She consulted the book again, then added. “Is believing that this causing dangle thing…’rise, strong and true like a silken, purple tipped rocket’”

Anne and James stared at each other in disbelief. James’ face, if anything, was brighter than Anne’s by now – a fact which she took no small degree of comfort in. Finally, he seemed to come to a decision and turning to her, he raised both hands, then froze with them poised just inches from the neckline of her blouse.

She faced up to him and placed her hands on her hips. “You try it, pal and you’ll have the toe of my foot connecting sharply with your dangle thing.”

He winced and crossed his legs.

“Is necessary!” Jenny squeaked frantically. Then, it paused and appeared to re-evaluate its tactics. “Is using pain thing, perhaps.”

“You said that was defensive, not aggressive.” James protested.

“Is both.” Jenny stated flatly.

James looked at Jenny and pondered the situation. He had no idea how much pain the pain thing would be likely to cause, but he was well aware of the degree of damage a well-placed foot would cause. He was reasonably sure that he could handle himself if Anne decided to fight back, but on the other hand, whispery things aside, he was still fighting against nearly thirty years of social conditioning – all of which had geared him up to considering it a bad thing to rip open the blouse of a woman who had not already given him permission to do so. He lowered his hands again.

“No.” he said, matching Jenny in the flatness stakes and braced himself.

“Wait!” Anne shouted, as Jenny raised the pain thing. She sighed, then looked at James. “OK. You can do it.” Relieved, he raised his hands again, then froze when she said sharply; "Butonlyif you close your eyes first.”

He clamped his eyes shut, then reached out and took held of the neckline of Anne’s blouse. He paused, momentarily, to psyche himself up, then ripped it open. A button hit him in the forehead and Anne squawked in outrage.

“Carefully! Do you know how much that cost?”

Still keeping his eyes closed, he stammered his apologies. Then he heard Jenny’s voice speaking again – it seemed it was once more consulting its book.

“Is male person’s dangle thing ‘stiffening like a rod of purest granite’?”

“No.” he said and crossed his hands over his crotch. It was true. Nerves were conspiring to keep him flaccid. Thankfully.

“Great” said Anne bitterly. “Kidnapped by aliens and I can’t even get a man stiff, with my boobs hanging out. Thanks a lot for helping out my ego, mate.”

Not for the first time in his life, James wondered whether he would ever make sense of the intricacies and contradictions of a woman’s mind.

“You told me to keep my eyes shut.” He protested

“Well, you might as well open them, then and take a look.” Anne snarled.

Gratefully he opened his eyes and looked at her. She was clutching her blouse closed and glaring at him. He pondered the wisdom of pointing out to her that he could hardly get turned on if she wouldn’t let him see anything, but wisely refrained from this criticism.

“Umm… very nice.” He ventured, eventually. She snorted and turned away.

“Is erecting yet?” Jenny asked, hopefully.

“M-maybe a little.”

Anne rounded on him angrily. “Listen mate, I may not be big enough to compete with some of the bimbos in those bloody magazines, but if you don’t take a reaction soon, then these things are going to think I’m some sort of slapper. So do me a favour and try harder, will you?”

“Oh!” he gasped, suddenly. “Oh, yes, I… I think I’m getting there now. Umm. Yes, definitely. Oh, very hard now. Yes, that’s it.”

Anne gave him a long, hard look and he could tell that she didn’t believe him. He shrugged at her and hoped that the aliens were unfamiliar enough with human body language to miss the gesture and what it implied. Perhaps they were, but it seemed that Jenny still wasn’t prepared to take his word for his state of arousal.

“Removing lower/outer body sheaths, please.” She said.

He swung round to look at her, wide eyed.

“What?”

It gestured at his trousers. “Removing lower…”

“I can’t do that.” He protested. “There’s a lady present.”

“So it’s all right for me to go around flashing my boobs, but you’re getting all coy at returning the favour, then?” Anne said. He turned to look at her imploringly.

“It’s no good you looking like that. Get them off. In fact, get everything off.” She said.

“Everything?” he queried, weakly.

She nodded. “I always thought a man looked totally stupid with just his willy hanging out. If you want to keep any degree of self-respect, then it’s all or nothing. Now get going.”

She was starting to enjoy this, he realised. Well, what the hell? He started unbuttoning his shirt.

“Is good.” Jenny said. “Is seeing many unsheathed female things, but only partially unsheathed male things. Is never seeing dangle objects before. Is curious.”

James kicked off his shoes and started unbuckling his belt, but Jenny stopped him. “Is consider other thing. Female thing to please remove lower/outer body sheath. Female thing to…” it consulted the book again “Female thing to ‘slowly and seductively draw down his briefs with her teeth, watching as his towering manhood is revealed before her wide, lust-filled eyes.’ Female thing to do this.”

“With my teeth?” Anne asked. “I’m not using my teeth.”

“Is teeth hand appendage things? Is necessary use those. Human things using opposable thumb things. Is needing them. Is evolved for purposes.”

“Oh, myteeth. Oh. OK, I can use those.” Anne waved her hands in the air and waggled her fingers. Well, she could cope with that.

She turned to James and slipped off the remnants of her blouse, then reached down to finish unbuckling his belt. Like a rabbit trying to out-stare an articulated lorry, he fixed his gaze on a position just above her head and waited, while she unzipped him, then got down on her knees and pulled his jeans down. He stepped out of them as she stood up.