Perfect Imperfections Ch. 05

I darted into a Japanese confectionery shop as I saw Alec start to look up. I could not face him, knowing that I am the one who has hurt him so. Knowing that he has found someone else, probably much better than me too.

I left the shop after a minute or two and Alec was gone. The dude, Sub or Seb was still there, checking a map.

"Hey Sub. Umm where's Alec? I thought he left with you." I asked him casually, overly-casually, as I tried to hide my fraying nerves. I felt positively unnerved as he looked at me coolly with those blue irises. It felt like he could see through my bravado and into the deepest depths of my depravity.

"It's Seb. Listen. I have no idea what's going on between you two. All I know is that he is broken - completely shattered and trapped inside that beautiful body. The anguish is in his eyes. And you are the cause. It's like you have speared him and thrown him to the sharks as he bleeds. He cried you know. He is intelligent, funny, warm, caring and, you know...fit. The perfect boyfriend." He replied sharply, the challenge obvious in his tone.

"Where is he? Please I need to know" I pleaded, a lot less sure of myself.

"He went off in the direction of Higashiyama..." Seb trailed off as I broke away in a jog, desperate to see my Alec again, just the two of us this time round. To hell with the consequences.

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Seb:

We were both panting when we separated. I found myself pressed against the railing with a raging hard-on. I tried to collect my thoughts as Alec started to walk away in the direction of Higashiyama.

First, he is fucking hot and sexy as hell. How can he even be real?

Second, he has just broken up, like me. But with tons of emotional baggage that cannot be jettisoned properly. And, I am willing to bet that it has got to do with that dude, Brandon. His silence was striking. Must have been a visceral split.

Third, it was difficult to miss that kaleidoscope of emotions that marred Alec's strikingly handsome face this morning. A frisson of joyful surprise, then sadness, hurt, pain, followed by anger and lastly, a blank canvas as he did the introductions. Meanwhile, Brandon's face was just ashen with shock and sadness as he numbly shook my hand.

Damn, do I really want to get involved in this? I found myself liking Alec with every passing minute I spend with him. Smart and funny, maybe a tad too emotional for now. Or was it the sex that I really liked? Perhaps he was only using me to get over this dude. Fuck. Just a good-looking plaything.

Why can't I just fall for an uncomplicated person, enjoy a romantic courtship, some good sex every now and then, and then get married? Why must I fall for complicated people, all the time? I found myself asking these questions as I consulted the tourist map.

"Hey Sub. Umm where's Alec? I thought he left with you." I heard someone's voice right in front of me. I looked up from my map and I saw Brandon. Fuck, can't he even get my name right? I gritted my teeth as I stared back at him, trying to decipher what is going on. This is the first time I have seen him up close and damn, Brandon is what you will call rugged, and chiseled I guess. No wonder Alec was drawn to him like a moth to a flame.

He sounded casual and friendly, as he tried to project confidence. On a normal day it would have worked; but not today. He is anything but at ease. He stood a little too far away from me, and his eyes could not hold mine as I stared at him. His hands were in his pockets but they were clenching and unclenching every few seconds. I could sense his hope, pain, anxiety and sadness all combined in one.

"It's Seb. Listen. I have no idea what's going on between you two. All I know is that he is broken - completely shattered and trapped inside that beautiful body. The anguish is in his eyes. And you are the cause. It's like you have speared him and thrown him to the sharks as he bleeds. He cried you know. He is intelligent, funny, warm, caring and, you know...fit. The perfect boyfriend." I snapped back, a little too sharply than I had intended. I folded my hands across my chest and stared back at him as he fidgeted. I was right, he is the cause. Knowing that for sure somehow evoked a strong sense of protectiveness in me, a desire to keep Alec safe.

"Where is he? Please I need to know." Brandon pleaded, his voice wavering and his eyes bright, like he was teetering on the edge of a precipice and struggling to find his balance.

"He went off in the direction of Higashiyama..." I muttered as Brandon broke away and jogged in that direction after Alec. I felt this strong emotion clawing in my chest as I thought of the two of them alone in the woods of Higashiyama, sheltered by the canopy of snow. Alec's lean and toned frame lying on Brandon's sturdier body as he lie on the snow-blanketed ground...Damn, time to start feeling again as I jogged towards the hill that is Higashiyama, chasing after the tiny figure that is Brandon in the distance.

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Brandon:

I felt my boots sink into the soft and powdery snow as I hiked around the hilly terrain of Higashiyama. It has stopped snowing. It is quiet and desolate. The trees seemed to have shrouded everything from this sanctuary. No sound permeates this little bubble. It is as though all life has died and I am the only one here, maybe apart from Alec.

I reached a clearing near the top. And there he is, looking out over the town and into space. He really can be a model for some glossy travel magazine. Those tight jeans that emphasize his legs. Boots which bring out his masculinity, coupled with a trench coat over a knitted woolen sweater and his DSLR camera slung casually on one shoulder, one gloved hand casually gripping the guard of the camera. I heaved a sigh of relief inwardly. Finally.

"Alec." I called out.

He whirled around. His face is unreadable as emotions chased after each other. I walked closer towards him. My heart broke as I see him subtly shift his right leg backwards in a defensive position, as in fencing. I have watched him fence enough times over the years to know that. I want him close to me, not closed.

"Alec, I am sorry. I should not have said those words to you." I shut my eyes as I recalled that scene from a week ago. I saw the sadness and hurt written all over his face, his lean frame sagged as if in defeat as he walked backwards before running away. I opened my eyes to see that exact same expression staring back at me impassively except that his gloved hands are clenched tightly.

I was close enough to see the tears pooling in his eyes and how his once-sharp features are now slightly gaunter and harder. He has lost weight. All my fault and stupidity. I could feel the pull between us again. That crackle of electricity whenever I am near him.

"Alec, do you feel it? That's how we are, and what we are meant to be. I am sorry for pushing you away. I wish I can take back those words. And I...I...I miss you. It feels like you have taken a light away when you left and there is only emptiness and darkness here. Come back to me please? This morning was h-h-horrible, seeing you w-w-with him and crying." I choked out as I realized the depth of my feelings for him. It's something else on a whole new level. Tears were streaking down his face and seeing him cry just made me lose whatever self-control and self-respect I had left. He was staring down at the snow and quietly shaking. We were both crying now. Two grown men standing and sobbing in the snow.

I begin to reach out to caress his face and to wipe away those tears which I have so badly wanted to do for the past week. I just want to feel his skin on mine again. I want to pull him into my arms and against my chest. I want to feel his head on my shoulder and mine on his like we used to do. I want to lean my forehead against his, inhaling and exhaling the same air like we are one - like we are meant to be. It has been too long. Far too long.

I touched his face and caressed those features which I have come to know so well, feel them stained with the warm tears rolling down. I used my thumb to wipe away those tears. My chest hurt knowing that it was me who has caused all this heartache - a heartache that could have been avoided. I groaned at that thought.

"I miss you, Alec. Right now, I just want to kiss away your tears. I..I..I lu"

"Stop. Just stop. You told me there was no room. And I get it. I get it you know. Did Edith find out that you like dicks and can suck one like a hustler? Or did she realise that you love a cock up your arse like a bitch? Did she tell you to fuck off too, like you to me?" I did not expect that. I did not realise the chasm that I had opened up in him as he hurled my own words from a week ago back at me.

"And now what? You open your arms and want me to go back there like a dog after being left out in the rain? I gave you my heart, my soul and my body and what did you do with it? You let that bitch Edith trample all over me like a fucking door mat, and expect me to come back and pretend nothing is wrong just because you asked Darius where I am and travelled all the way to this winter wonderland? You were about to say that you loved me, weren't you? Did you ever? Really? Or did you say it to get another fuck now that Edith is gone?" Alec screamed back at me as his hand shot out to grip my wrist, stopping my palm from its caress.

He glared up at me. Sheer anger, disappointment and anguish were written all over his face as he glared at him while tears continued flowing down that handsome face, mixing with the snow that is falling again. It could have been a scene from a tableau - two men standing close to one another, frozen, like the landscape. White, powdery snow falling but yet failing to paper over the emotions that run like molten lava, burning everything in its way.