Personals Humorous Reply #01

"I am looking for a great guy. If you don't know what you want, still can't get over your ex, you are selfish and cheap, no need to reply. I want someone who is secure in their job and has never been arrested. No full tattoos, please. No one over 45. If you are looking for someone who is easy, I am not for you. I apologize for coming across rude but I do not want to go through this again. Please forward pics of your face, no sunglasses please. If I haven't scared you away, please contact me. :) "

You probably ARE what I'm looking for, but I'm certainly NOT what you're looking for, so I guess you're ATUALLY not what I'm looking for. If that makes any sense.

First, the Facts:

1. Looking for a great guy... presumably that means a lot of general qualities, in addition to the specific criteria you listed. But I don't meet the criteria, so that's a non-starter. NO

2. Don't know what you want. Well, I'm pretty close on this one. I want a real person for a real friend, but don't know if it would involve sex, since I'm still technically married. Also, don't know if I want to see multiple people, or see one friend exclusively. Younger, prettier, and innocent, but inexperienced? Older, more passionate and settled? I dunno. So, NO.

3. Still can't get over your ex. I have been married 22 years, and we've been separated for 2, but haven't figured out if we're getting a divorce or eventually getting back together. I'm not even sure if I WANT to get back together with her or not, or whether she'd have me if I did. So, that's a definite NO.

4. You are selfish. Ouch, I'm afraid I'm fairly selfish, not sure if it's more than average or not. I do keep the seat properly up or down, depending on your preference, and I'd give you my coat even if I was cold. I'll listen as long as I can stay awake when it's late after a long day and you need to talk before bed, and I'll sleep on the wet spot. But that may just qualify me as average. And since the average guy is pretty selfish, that's a NO.

5. And cheap. And you make it sound like a bad thing. Ok, so I'm into the dollar menu at fast food places, and I use pennies and change from the ashtray to avoid breaking another dollar. Keep in mind, I paid extra for girl scout cookies last year so that they could send some to the troops, true story. But still, another NO.

How am I doing so far?

6. I want someone who is secure in their job - The economy is soft, so layoffs are always a possibility> But I'm as secure in my position as anyone in my department or company, so I'll score a YES on this one. :-)

7. Never been arrested. - BINGO, I haven't even had too many traffic tickets. So, cool, another YES.

8. No full tattoos please - I'm good here. I don't even have a partial tattoo. YESW #3!

9. No one over 45. - If you're rounding, I'm in my mid-40s, so can I get partial credit on this one? No? I'm pretty sure 45 is a hard limit, so my 47 is a NO. Dang.

10. If you are looking for someone who is easy, I am not for you. - You know, it really never even occurred to me. And who's defining "Easy" here anyway. I'll score a yes because this is subjective and I think I can get away with it. YES!

11. Picture with a face. See attached. YES!

12. If I haven't scared you away, please contact me. :) - In high school, I would have run the other way. Probably would have sought a pre-emptive restraining order, even if we'd never met. But years have made me bolder and more desperate. And the great thing about Personals Ads is I can get rejected without even knowing it. Therefore, you didn't scare me away, and I'm contacting you. So YES!

Totaling up my score, I'm 6 of 12 or 50%. That's pretty pathetic, I must admit, but also better than I initially expected. So maybe that means I'm getting better. If you date me for 45-50 years, I'll be stellar and superb by then.

Not going to happen, is it?

But in my alternate universe, and in my second ending on this script, the qualities of being well-manners and friendly and a good listener, along with possessing a dorky sense of humor, would be sexy and irresistible, and you'd be falling all over me upon reading my response to your Personals Ad, OR my further emails. Then we'd fall madly in love, and live under the threat of government intrusion for the rest of our miserable lives.

Ok, it's late and that's my silly sense of humor. Because you put a beautiful picture and had such specific criteria that I couldn't possibly meet, I felt compelled to write for some reason.

Anyway, if you got this far, thanks for reading, and I sincerely wish you all the best in your quest for the guy you're looking for. But if you don't get about 1000 responses to this ad, and you don't end up with some really good ones that meet 9 or 10 of your criteria, or even 12, and you'd like to go out with me for nice conversation and laughs (dollar menu, you pick any 3 items, no limit ;-) ), I'm up for it.