Perspectives Series: Jess Pt. 02

She slipped me her phone number. She said to call her if the stains didn't come out of my shirt.

I dismissed the gesture, but Martin wouldn't let it go. He insisted that Jill wanted to go out on a date with me, and that I should call her and do just that. I wanted to shut him up on the subject, so I called her to prove him wrong.

He was right, however, and Jill and I went out that weekend. I can't remember exactly where we went, but I remember that we drank way too much wine. We ended up back at Martin's house, fumbling around under the covers. Drunken sex is not necessarily good sex.

Our ability to laugh about it the next day in front of Martin, sealed our friendship. We decided that we could be much better friends than lovers.

Martin waited until later to pump me for details about our fumbled sex. I couldn't remember much, and his line of questioning was downright bizarre. It became clear to me that he was highly attracted to her and was intent on asking her out.

I expected their relationship to be brief, if she dated him at all. I never expected them to end up falling in love.

In truth, I think Teresa hates me as much for bringing Jill into their home as she does for the whole Sarah thing. Now she can't stand it that I know about Martin and Jill, and that I know she knows about Martin and Jill. It is all too humiliating for her.

"So, here's the story. As far as Teresa is concerned, we are still going out tonight. Okay?"

"Yeah, sure. That's no problem. Listen, there's something I want to tell you."

"What? You look so serious; what is it?"

"I'm going to ask Jess to marry me."

"Really?! Tonight?"

"Hopefully...I don't know."

"Holy shit! Well, it's about time. Congratulations, man."

"Thanks. I don't know when for sure, so don't say anything to Jill or Teresa about it. Okay?"

"No problem."

This was a problem, however. Martin had never been known for his discretion. In fact, if you want the whole world to know something, tell Martin. He'll spread the news in no time. Unfortunately, I didn't have a choice but to tell him at that moment. I doubted we would have the opportunity to be alone again for a long time. Besides, I've known Martin for most of my life, and he deserved to hear it first from me.

My only salvation was that neither Jill nor Teresa had Jess's phone number, so there was little chance of her hearing it from anyone Martin would tell.

After retrieving some items from boxes in Martin's basement, we left the house for Jess's. Or according to Teresa, we left for Westport. In Jess's driveway, I asked Martin not to come inside. I didn't trust him to not do something really stupid, like blurt out Congratulations. He has done far stupider things.

Once inside Jess's house, my mind began to reel. I was tired beyond belief, and I couldn't think straight. The ring was in the duffle bag I brought from Martin's house. I had shipped it in one of my boxes some time ago, even before I saw Jess in Dubai. Buying it was a real gamble because I didn't know if Jess was even still unattached. When Teresa told me she saw Jess with a man, my heart sank. I tucked the ring in a box with a bunch of other stuff, and never opened it again.

Now I need to talk to Jess about so many important things. But I was too tired to form the right words. It would have to wait.

Chapter 10

We finished lunch, and I collected the dishes and took them into the kitchen while Simon surfed the onscreen cable guide. Lunch just seemed to make him tired, again. He was yawning a lot and he looked miserable. I guess it would be the middle of the night for him, if he were in Dubai still. I hate jet lag.

I heard him mutter from the other room, "Oh, Fuck!" Then he yelled into me, "Happy Birthday, baby!"

I walked into the living room with a big smile on my face. I bent over and kissed him.

"Thank you, sweetheart! This is my best birthday, ever."

"I still feel real bad about not buying you a present."

"Please don't worry about it. Anyway, I can think of something you could give me."

"Oh, yeah, what?"

I had started planning it the previous night, in bed, before I fell asleep. I knew he would feel bad about my birthday. I walked down the hall to the bedroom and found my key necklace in my jewelry box. This could be my way of letting him know that I was completely comfortable with our previous way of life, and most willing to go back to our routine. I clasped my fist around it and walked back to Simon.

"Hold out your hand."

Simon did so obediently and I released the necklace into his waiting palm. His bright expression turned very serious as he stared at his palm. His voice was barely louder than a whisper.

"You still have it."

I nodded, "Of course I do. Those days were the happiest of my life."

I started stroking his hair and I noticed that he now looked sad. In fact, he looked like he was about to cry. I chalked it up to his feelings about leaving our life behind for Dubai.

"Put it on me."

I turned my back toward him but could see his reflection in the windows. He hesitated for a few moments as if he were contemplating what to do. Then he opened the clasp, lifted the necklace over my head, and re-fastened it around my neck.

"There. All is right again in my world."

I spun back around and hugged and kissed him. He barely reciprocated. He must be tired.

~

My mind was racing in circles. Now is definitely the time to talk about this with Jess. How can I tell her that I don't want our relationship to be like it used to? I never really told her the complete truth about the necklace, even. That fucking, Martin!

Fuck, fuck, fuck ME!

"Jess, we need to talk about the necklace."

Jess's hand grabbed the key and she held it in her fingers.

"What is it? What's the matter?"

I could see by her expression that she was completely misreading me. But then again, she couldn't possibly guess what I needed to say to her, and I am pretty good at masking my feelings.

"I don't want you to wear it, anymore."

Tears started to well-up in Jess's eyes and I could tell I had just said the wrong thing. Or I said it in the wrong way. My brain was in such a fog, still.

"Why not?" Her voice quivered.

"It's not what you think. Not for a bad reason."

It was too late; tears started streaming down her face as she reached behind her neck to unclasp it.

"Baby, please. Stop crying...it's OK."

To Jess's credit, she doesn't get over reactive like a lot of women I've dated. She is pretty rational. This, however, took her off guard and I could tell by her reaction, she was really sensitive on the subject.

"Don't...I'm..." I couldn't find the words to say what I wanted. I was tired and nervous about how the conversation might end. Our future together was pretty much riding on it.

Jess's eyes were darting all over the place; from my face, to the television, the floor, back to my face, again. She was nervous, and her mind was racing wildly. God only knows where her thoughts are off to. I had to think of a way to ease her mind.

"Baby, look at me. I don't know what you're thinking right now, but I love you. This isn't about that."

"I don't understand. I love you, too. We can make it work here like we did at the apartment. I know we can. I felt really strange about it before, and it took me some time to get over the thought of living an alternative lifestyle, but I want to live that lifestyle. I really do, Simon."

I was stunned at what I was hearing. This conversation is a complete disaster. I wanted to just say, But I don't want to live that way. I couldn't do it.

"Shhhhhhh, come here."

I put my arms around her and started kissing her lips. I didn't want to hear any more about it. I just wanted to focus on something positive. I pressed my lips harder onto hers parting them so my tongue could slide inside. My right hand slid down to her breast.

Suddenly Jess pulled away and looked at me, holding me at arms length.

"There's something I need to tell you. Those days in Dubai, when we had unprotected sex, I don't think there is much chance of me being pregnant. I mean, it was right after my period, and I wasn't ovulating yet or anything. But now would be different. I never went back on the pill."

As she spoke, I could feel myself growing harder. She might as well have said, Come fuck me, you big stud. This could be my salvation.

I started kissing Jess's neck and unbuttoning her blouse. My hand reached in to find a braless breast waiting for me. I had to admit that our old lifestyle did have its perks. My fingers ran over her nipples one at a time until they were standing erect. Her breathing became labored as I firmly kissed her neck. When my lips were next to her ear, I whispered.

"What if I don't want to wear a condom?"

"Ummmm...I don't...know."

"What if I told you I really want you to get pregnant?"

Jess's head snapped upright and she was more coherent.

"You're serious about having children, aren't you?"

"I'm dead serious." I pulled away and looked at her. "I didn't think about it before you mentioned that you missed taking some pills in Dubai. But now I've thought about it a lot. I just turned 34 this year. Besides...You love kids, I love kids. We've talked about it before.

"Anyway, tell me this...if you are so opposed to it, why didn't you take your pills when you got back home?"

I could tell by her flushed cheeks that I had caught her. She wanted to have kids. I hoped she wanted them more than she wanted to cling to a lifestyle I couldn't share with her. Before she changed her mind, I decided it was time to put Plan B into action.

~

Simon swiftly pulled my legs so that I slid farther down the sofa, and then positioned himself on top of me. My blouse fell open and he didn't waste any time wrapping his warm, wet mouth around my erect nipples. Even after as much sex as we'd had in our time together, this simple act still felt amazing to me.

I could feel a sense of urgency in Simon this time. He was wild with desire, and hard as a rock. I wanted to take him in my mouth and suck him, but when I even tried to make a motion toward his shorts, he stopped my hand. He managed to get us both undressed without my assistance. He then slid down the sofa and began licking my pussy.

I can't resist his touch, the warmth of his tongue and mouth on my clit. Just before I started to orgasm, Simon stopped licking me and positioned himself over me. He slid in very slowly. I could feel myself about to tip over the edge in what was about to be the most wonderful, powerful orgasm.

He was engorged and about to come. I'm not even sure what sent him that close to climax so quickly.

We came at the same time. That doesn't happen very often for us. It takes some careful observation and maneuvering to time it just right. Simon could do both of those things well.

Simon stayed inside of me while he stroked my hair and kissed me gently on the cheeks and lips. I tried to move to see what time it was.

"Don't...move. Just for a few minutes more, baby."

I could tell that our lovemaking just about took the last of Simon's energy. He looked so tired. I guessed it was about 4:30. The sun was streaming in the windows and I was starting to sweat with Simon lying on top of me. I was also starting to feel a little sleepy.

"Why don't we move into the bedroom and take a nap?"

"Just a couple more minutes."

It dawned on me that he was trying to increase the chances of getting pregnant by staying inside longer. This felt so wrong to me all of a sudden.

I mean, I wanted to be with Simon. I wanted to marry Simon, to be completely truthful...and I wanted to have his children. But in that order. Not children first. I tried to think back on past conversations we had about marriage. I couldn't recall him talking about it much. We did talk about kids; we talked about commitment...but not marriage. What kind of relationship does he have in mind for us?

Simon pulled back and stood up, extending his hand out to help me up. We climbed into bed and he rolled me over so my back was to him. Then he wrapped his arms around me and fell asleep. I laid there for awhile, wishing I had stopped at the bathroom before we climbed into bed. I'm sure Simon planned it this way.

Chapter 11

I woke up before Simon. He was no longer wrapped around me, so I took advantage of the freedom to run to the bathroom.

I sat there and thought about everything that had happened. Pregnancy was such an appealing thought when I thought Simon might be killed in a plane crash. I had these grand, romantic visions of raising his love child on my own. I had seen it in the movies a thousand times.

But sitting there on the toilet, feeling his semen slowly leak out of me, felt like no movie I had watched. The reality of it was far less romantic. In fact, it felt a little more like a horror flick. How could I have gotten so wrapped-up in the fantasy?

I always assumed we would get married, but is that because that's what happens in the movies? Simon never talked about marriage. Suddenly I can see myself raising a little boy on my own, while his daddy is off in another country, again...working. Of course it has to be a boy to be a constant reminder of his dad to me (just like the movies.) I could picture endless days of going to work and then coming home to take care of my baby. If I thought it was difficult to meet people now, it would be impossible to get married after I already had an illegitimate child. God, what have I done?!

Wait a minute...I'm not pregnant, yet. My rational voice came back to me and I remembered that I'd just had unprotected sex one time. Well, I had it more than that while in Dubai, but I don't think I could've gotten pregnant then. I just need to keep Simon at bay for another few days.

That's easier said than done.

~

The sound of water in the distance was the first thing I noticed consciously. I opened my eyes and stretched. Jess was gone. I shut my eyes again and listened. The water running was not the shower or the sink...it sounded like the dishwasher or the washing machine. Judging from the length of time it takes for the water to fill, it must be the washing machine.

I scramble to the edge of the bed and look toward the corner of the room. I held my breath for a moment, but quickly spotted my duffle bag sitting there, unopened. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I didn't want Jess to accidentally stumble onto the tiny box inside the pocket there while looking for dirty clothes of mine to throw into the washer. I'm not ready, yet.

I thought this was going to be easier. I thought every girl wanted to settle down and get married. I never imagined that I would have to resort to this. It isn't right. I can't force her into a life she doesn't want.

Jess appeared in the doorway.

"I'm doing laundry; do you have some clothes you need washed?"

I nodded.

"Next load is all yours, then."

Jess disappeared around the corner quickly. I could tell something was definitely wrong. Her tone was distant, and her less-than-friendly greeting felt downright cold.

I've disappointed her. I'm not the same...we are not the same as we were a year ago. Suddenly I felt sick to my stomach.

I got up and found my clothes lying over the end of the footboard. I can pick up a hint. She's pushing me away. It's alright; I won't be here much longer anyway. I'm due at my new job in Dallas in another week and a half. I should just head down there and get settled, anyway.

I don't know what made me think things were going to be different.

~

As I walked down the hall toward the kitchen and laundry room, I felt like I might throw-up. I knew if I stood there in the doorway too long, Simon would just want me to climb into bed with him. I would've too. It was impossible for me to resist him.

I love him so much that it breaks my heart to walk away, but I have to. Having a baby would be a big mistake, I can see that now.

I kept repeating that mantra in my head to convince myself that it was true. My romantic notions were still there, just below the surface. My inner desire to play out the drama as an unmarried, pregnant woman was still somewhat appealing, even if the reality wasn't.

I heard Simon's footsteps approaching. The sound was muffled when his bare feet reached the carpet. I heard the television come on, and then the creak of the sofa as he plopped down. I was glad I was alone in the kitchen because I could hardly hide my disappointment. He'd only been back for one day; he was supposed to not be able to live one second without me.

When I walked into the living room, I found Simon sprawled out on the sofa. No room for me to sit next to him. He waved his hand at me and continued watching television. He might as well have ripped out my heart and thrown it on the table. He was blowing me off.

The sound of the washer stopping was my queue to exit the living room. The air was thick, and I needed to breathe. I just went on auto-pilot -- placing all the clothes in the dryer, and setting the temperature. I decided to yell into the living room rather than walking back into that uncomfortable space.

"You want to bring me the clothes you need washed?"

I was aware of how distant my voice sounded only after the words were already out. I couldn't think of a way to recover, so I stepped into the living room to try and warm them with a smile. Simon was already off the sofa and in the bedroom. I didn't even know if he heard me speak. He could have anticipated my question when I left the room.

On the other hand, he could be in the bathroom. I'll wait a couple of minutes to see if he returns.

~

I was standing up when Jess called in from the laundry room. Her ice cold tone sent me walking quickly into the bedroom. The quicker I get out of here, the better.

Before opening the main zippered compartment of my duffle bag, I ran my hand down the side to feel the bulge of the hard ring box. It's still there. I shouldn't have a hard time pawning it when I get to Dallas.

I unzipped the main compartment and the stench of the khakis hit me right away. In my state of latent guilt, I had wadded-up the pants and shoved them into the bag before going to bed that night. I pulled them up and held them in front of me. The crotch of the pants revealed the blatant evidence of that night.

My hands dropped down to my lap and my mind began to wander. It all seemed like a distant dream. As I looked down at the stains, the visual images of Jan's blank expression and her sexual prowess took me back to Dubai.

I was snapped back to the present by a touch on my shoulder.

"Jan-Jess!"

It came out sounding like one word. I could hardly believe my own ears. The J sound started to leave my lips before my mind could engage.

My facial expression was betraying me every second that Jess looked down at me. I could feel my cheeks start to flush when I noticed Jess's eyes staring at the stained khakis in my hand.

~

Simon seemed to be gone for a long time, so I walked down the hallway to see where he had gone. From the doorway of the bedroom, I could see his feet poking out from behind the bed. He was sitting on the floor in front of his duffle bag.

I stood in the doorway for several seconds, waiting for Simon to get up, but he didn't move. Then I walked toward him, but he seemed to be deep in thought, staring down at his clothes. I finally bent over to touch him on the shoulder.