Pita, PETA, Peter, and Naked ModelsbySuperHeroRalph©
This is a Earth Day contest story. Please vote.
Taking a beat down for God, supermodels misunderstand their Earth Day modeling assignments.
Christie Brinkley was the first to appear for the photo shoot, an Earth Day commercial for Pita Breads, a new bread, even lower in carbohydrates and calories and made with all natural ingredients. Since she's always dieting, she was happy to model for a product that she actually uses. Moreover, glad to get the modeling job, that would undoubtedly be made into a commercial, being that she's now 57-years-old and nearly thirty years past her prime, modeling opportunities and commercials are now few and far between.
Yet, just as she was when she was younger, she was always excitedly early for her modeling assignments. Looking so much like the wide-eyed giddy girl she was, when she first started modeling at 19-years-old, she looked 37-years-old and not 57-years-old. Then, when factoring her immaturity and naiveté, no one would correctly guess her age.
"I owe my beauty to my good skin and because my mother is a dermatologist," she enjoyed telling everyone and anyone who'd listen to her endlessly talk about herself. When she wasn't saying the word, me, she was saying the word, I. Yet, both words were dwarfed by her favorite phrase, "I don't understand."
With everyone having already heard the story of the secret behind her beauty, so many times before, there were fewer who wanted to hear it, whenever she told it again. Not believing any of her denials, other models and the public in general were sick and tired of her saying she was a natural beauty and never had Botox injections and/or plastic surgery. Even now, so many years later, with so many younger and more beautiful models around, Billy Joel's Uptown Girl's favorite subject to talk about was still herself, a topic she never tired of discussing, so long as there was someone there to listen. One day, no doubt, years from now, with her head still held high in the clouds, much in the way that Zsa Zsa Gabor talked about her beauty and her lovers and in the way that Jack LaLanne talked about diet and exercise, until the day he died at 96-years-old, Christie would still be her best supporter and most vocal promoter.
Long after her beauty faded and her skin wrinkled, she'd make for a good Miss Dinsmore in another remake of Charles Dickens' Great Expectations. Long after her star faded, with an ego bigger than her phony breasts, in the way she still regards herself as a natural beauty, the eighth wonder of the world, a superhuman supermodel, she'd even make for a good Gloria Swanson.
"I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. De Mille."
Once called the most beautiful woman in the world and still so very stunning, but more importantly real and approachable, Cheryl Tiegs was the next model to appear for the photo shoot. Had she not been so open and honest about her age, by her youthful and rested appearance, no one would have guessed or even suspected that she was 63-years-old. Certainly, she looked twenty years younger. With makeup hiding her wrinkles and lighting her kind friend, she still vehemently denies that she's had any plastic surgery and no one has ever come forward to say that she has.
Part of her sardonic personality, Cheryl always had the look of cynicism and silent sarcasm on her face, especially when appearing with Christie. One could tell from afar that even though they were friendly, they weren't friends, just as it was obvious to discern that one was just a talking head and the other was intelligent. Christie was in her own fantasy world and Cheryl confronted reality with a warm embrace, an experienced expectation, and a knowing smile. If Cheryl wasn't smirking and making snide remarks that went over Christie's head, then she was rolling her eyes and letting out sighs of disbelief at some of the things that Christie said and did, especially when the camera was off the both of them.
"Hi Christie," said Cheryl giving her a hug. Cheryl's 6'1" frame and taller with heels, dwarfed Christie's 5'9" height and taller with heels. "How are you?" She showed Christie a sincere interest that Christie, with her self-centered and selfish nature, was unable to reciprocate.
"Oh, I'm fine now that I got rid of my fourth husband for cheating on me with that young slut," said Christie. She typically said things without thinking and generally gave out too much personal information that she invariably regretted later, albeit always too late, after it made good fodder for the tabloids. "Now that I think about it, it's funny."
"What's funny, Christie?" A long list of funny things that Christie did and/or said over the years ran through Cheryl's head.
"My fourth ex-husband's name is Peter and this modeling session is for Pita," she said with a laugh. "What a coincidence?"
"Yes, that is uncanny, startling, actually," said Cheryl suppressing a laugh, while rolling her eyes already.
"How are you?" She flashed Cheryl her plastic, trademark smile and turned away without even waiting for her reply.
"I'm great," shrugged Cheryl with a tired been there and done that look that comes with the experience of age and the wisdom of reality. "I'm just happy to be working again, even if I have model naked. Only, they're going to have to airbrush the Hell out of my 63-year-old, wrinkled body to make me look halfway decent," she said with a laugh. "My Sports Illustrated days have been replaced by AARP cover shots," she said with another laugh. "I'm just glad that I'll at least be holding a sign, hopefully a big enough sign to cover my sagging breasts," she said cupping her breasts with her hands and supporting them with an exaggerated oomph of a lift, before laughing again.
"Naked? What do you mean modeling naked?" Christie looked at Cheryl, as if she was joking. Not the brightest bulb on the runway, as dim as the empty look that darkened her eyes, when not on stage and off camera, the other models were always teasing, making fun of, and playing practical jokes on her. "Why would you think we'd have to get naked for a Pita commercial?" She forced out a laugh, while looking at Cheryl, no doubt, to see if she was pulling her leg again.
"Duh, Christie? You've never done an Earth Day PETA commercial before?"
"No, this is my first," she said shaking her head, as if verbally answering Cheryl's question wasn't enough and she needed to shake her head, too, as proof that she never did a Pita commercial.
"Oh well, then, your agent should have told you that you must pose naked. I'm surprised she didn't tell you. I used to have her as a modeling agent and she's usually very specific and thorough."
"Well, I'm not getting naked for a Pita photo shoot, that's for sure. That's ridiculous," she said with a shrug and an upturn of her still beautiful head. No doubt, she had too much cellulite to hide or, perhaps, she didn't want to reveal that she had some recent plastic surgery done to correct her breast implants. "Those tit and ass cheesecake photo shoots are over for me. Somehow those photos always manage to get posted on the Internet."
"Suit yourself," said Cheryl with a shrug, "but the modeling fee is triple our normal supermodel rate, which is why I agreed to do it. I can use the money. Besides, what does it matter? Except for my grandchildren, which I don't have yet, I don't care who sees me naked now. I'm so beyond that. It's just skin."
"Triple the fee, huh? Wow. I didn't know that. Maybe that's why my agent didn't tell me that I'd have to pose naked. Only, I never figured I'd have to remove my clothes for a stupid bread commercial," said Christie with an annoying snort and then a horse of a laugh.
"Bread commercial? What are you talking about, Christie?" Cheryl rolled her eyes and gave her a patient smile, as would a mother give a naive daughter. "This isn't a bread commercial, Christie," she said with a laugh, this time.
"Yeah, it is. It's for the new Pita bread commercial, lower in carbohydrates and calories and made with all natural ingredients. I eat it all the time. I love it. It tastes so yummy. The new promotion coincides with the Earth Day celebration. There's a new save the Earth logo on their wrapper that reads that five cents from every purchase is donated to save the whales."
"Save the whales?" Cheryl couldn't help but laugh at her now. "You're making this up for all the jokes we played on you over the years. Right?"
"No," said Christie reinforcing her verbal answer by shaking her head again, as if she was Mister Ed and Wilber had just asked him a question. Sometimes, after talking to Christie, she made you just want to give her a bag of oats and slap her on the ass, before making you want to run naked in the street, while screaming. "To be honest, I have no idea what saving the whales has to do with saving the Earth, but--"
"Saving the whales has everything to do with saving the planet, Christie. We're all just a link in a greater chain. Destroy one link and you destroy..." Cheryl stopped talking, when she saw that Christie was no longer listening.
"I wonder if I'll have to actually eat the Pita bread. I've already had breakfast. I can always go to the ladies room and vomit, whatever they force me to eat," said Christie with a resigned resolve, as if talking to herself.
"This ad is not about bread, Christie. This photo shoot is a protest. It's about not wearing fur to save the animals from being inhumanely slaughtered. I think you're a little confused, Christie," said Cheryl with another a little laugh. "Maybe you should call your agent."
"I can't. I had to forfeit my cell phone to security at the front desk," said Christie.
"Oh, that's right," said Cheryl. "I did, too. I forgot. They don't want us interrupting the photo shoot with personal cell phone calls. Miss super important, Naomi Campbell, ruined that privilege for all of us. Always with a hostile attitude, when interrupted from her personal phone calls to actually work, she was always on her damn cell phone and disrupting photo shoots, which is why they now confiscate our cell phones at the door."
"Confiscate? I don't understand. No, they didn't confiscate my cell phone. They only took my cell phone away, temporarily," said Christie with a look of confusion. "I'm going to get it back, aren't I? I have all my numbers on there."
"Yes, honey, don't fret. They'll return your phone to you," said Cheryl shaking her head.
"When my agent told me that it was a Pita commercial, I just assumed that it was for the bread. It didn't even occur to me that the photo shoot could be for the other PETA," she said with a worried look on her face, but one that didn't wrinkle her brow with all the Botox that was in the way of her wrinkles. "I didn't even ask," she said with a shrug.
"What's wrong, Christie? Are you afraid to show your fake boobs?" Cheryl smiled, batted her long eyelashes, and looked at the impressions that Christie's silicone breasts made in her blouse.
"No, that's not it," said Christie oblivious to the fact that she just admitted that she had fake breasts, by not protesting otherwise.
"We all can't be twenty-five-years-old anymore. The worse queen is an aging beauty queen and a runway model that has come to the end of the runway but refuses to stop walking and strutting her stuff." She looked at Christie and smiled, as if a mother smiling at her daughter. "Your stuff is no longer hot, honey. Your stuff is much like my stuff, old and wrinkled," she said with a laugh.
"We have to walk a runway? Gees, it's been a long time, since I walked a runway. I wouldn't even know how."
"Never mind, Christie," said Cheryl with Christie being oblivious to Cheryl's profound end of career comments.
"It's not about getting naked. I modeled naked lots of times. It's just that I like wearing fur. Actually, I love fur. I have several fur pieces," said Christie. "I don't know if I could do a PETA shoot and be taken seriously, when there are so many photos of me wearing fur," she said looking at Cheryl. "I hope you're wrong about this being a PETA commercial and not a Pita bread commercial, Cheryl," said Christie looking a bit discombobulated. "I really hope this photo shoot is for Pita breads and not for PETA against wearing fur because I really don't want to get naked."
"I can assure you, Christie, that this modeling assignment is for PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and not for Pita breads," said Cheryl unable to hide her laugh. "Because this photo shoot is for the ethical treatment of animals is one of the reasons why I agreed to do it, that and for the money, of course. I need to install new solar panels on my roof. Ed Bagley has been a thorn in my side to update my off the grid performance. You know what a pain-in-the-ass he can be when it comes to saving the planet by reducing our carbon footprints. I don't know how Rachelle puts up with him. He's so cheap. He never throws anything out and recycles and reuses everything."
"Ed Bagley? Who's he? I don't know him," said Christie looking confused again. "Do I?"
"Sure you do. The actor. He's tall, blonde, wears glasses, and loves boring you to death by talking about scientific stuff," said Cheryl. "I'm seen him at one of your parties in the Hamptons."
"Oh, Ed. Oh, yeah, I know him, now. He's married to that skinny, blonde, pretty woman. I'd never go to bed with him, though, at least, I don't think I have."
"What does you going to bed with someone have to do with Ed Bagley, Christie? Oh, never mind."
"I know people by if I slept with them, especially men," said Christie with a sexy laugh. "Sometimes I forget who I slept with, by just hearing their names. I guess I slept with a lot of men," she said with a giggle.
"Faithfully married to one man, since forever, I don't even want to know, Christie," said Cheryl raising up her hand in protest, as if it was a stop sign. "I think I just threw up in my mouth, while imagining you and Ed having sex. Rachelle would kill you."
Ignoring much of what Cheryl said about solar panels, Christie just smiled and nodded her pretty head. Much in the way that the reigning supporter of global warming, Al Gore's house is, Christie's Hampton Beach mansion is always ablaze with lights nearly around the clock. She's not the conservationist type to burden her custom made roof with solar panels. Solar panels would look too icky and not cool, amid the Hamptons, the land of wealth and excess.
"I thought you liked fur?" She was quick to change the subject. "Didn't I see you wearing a mink coat or was it a fox in one of the photo shoots you did?"
"No, never. I don't even own a fur coat, Christie and even when I modeled, I didn't model fur, never have. As an animal lover, I feel very strongly about how they slaughter animals to make fur coats."
"Oh, I don't even think about that stuff, when I buy a fur coat," said Christie with disinterest.
"Did you know that it takes 50 animals just to make one mink coat and more than that, as much as five times that many animals, for those who pay extra for a custom coat with matched skins? Some prefer female skins because they are softer, while others prefer male skins because they are stronger and last longer," said Cheryl.
"Wow, I didn't know that," said Christie. "My Russian sable coat is made from matched, female skins. It's so soft and luxurious. I just love it and it's so warm, too, and I love how I look with the hood over my head," she said with a hand to her breast Suddenly with a dazed and confused look on her face, she asked Cheryl the question. "What are matched skins?"
"Didn't you hear anything I said Christie? No matter," she said with a sigh. "Matched skins make the coat appear as if it came from one animal by matching the coloration, the nap, and the plane of the fur, so as to be consistent throughout."
"Oh, so that's a good thing that my Russian sable coat has matched skins. Huh?"
"You're unbelievable Christie. You only hear what you need to hear."
"I heard all that you said, Cheryl. I get it. I do," said Christie with a tone to her voice and a bit of attitude. "You said that most of the animals that they use to make fur coats are all just rodents. If they didn't use them to make coats, they'd overrun the world. Right?"
"That's not what I said, Christie, and you know it. No matter. It's not so much the fact that they use the skins of animals, be them rodents or not, to make fur coats, it's more the way they inhumanely kill the animals, which is why I agreed to shoot this PETA commercial today, as my personal protest, while hoping that people will care enough to stop buying fur, as a protest to the way they abuse animals."
"Are you sure?"
"Am I sure of what, Christie?" Cheryl shook her head in disbelief. It was always so very difficult having a conversation with Christie. "Am I sure that God gives with one hand and takes away with the other, which in your case is beauty over intelligence? Oh, yes, I'm quite sure."
"Thank you, Cheryl," she said thinking that Cheryl complimented her instead of insulting her. "Are you sure that this is a PETA commercial and not a Pita bread commercial? My agent told me it was for Pita breads. Further, she would have told me, if I had to model naked," said Christie, no doubt, either not caring or oblivious to how Cheryl felt about the ethical treatment of animals.
"And my agent told me it was for PETA, for the campaign that I'd rather pose naked than to wear fur," she said getting a little testy and losing her patience with Christie's stupidity.
Then, with Christie and Cheryl staring at one another in a supermodel standoff, in walked Jenna Jameson draped in fur and bedazzled with shiny jewels.
Christie and Cheryl looked at one another, before looking at Jenna. Never having met her before, they both knew who she was and knew of her work, even though neither one had worked with Jenna before.
"Hi, I'm Christie Brinkley," said Christie offering Jenna her hand and giving her a big, practiced, plastic smile, as if she was posing for a picture.
"Jenna Jameson, please to meet you. I've admired your work." "Thank you," said Christie. "I'm sorry, but I've embarrassed to say that I've never seen one of your movies."
"That's okay," said Jenna with a wave of her hand. "It's mostly men who are into me," she said with a laugh. "No pun intended."
"What?" Christie looked at Jenna blankly with an I don't get it look.
"Hi, I'm Cheryl Tiegs," said Cheryl laughing at Jenna's little joke and sparing Jenna from having to explain her little joke to Christie. She shook Jenna's hand.
"Jenna Jameson. I'm so please to meet you," said Jenna. "You both are so beautiful."
"Thank you," said Christie answering for Cheryl.
"You ladies are so tall," she said staring up at Cheryl. "I'm 5'6" and taller with heels, but you make me feel like a midget, Cheryl," said Jenna with a laugh.
"Are you part of the photo shoot?" Cheryl looked at Jenna with curiosity.
"The Peter shoot? Yes I am," she said with pride.
"I thought you were retired," said Christie,
"I did retire but, if I were dead, I wouldn't miss this photo shoot," she said.
"Why?" Christie looked at Jenna. "What did your agent tell you? Did he or she say the shoot was for Pita breads or for PETA, the animal rights?"
"Pita breads? PETA animal rights? It's not for neither of those," she said with a laugh. "It's for the porn movie, Peter and the Wolf with Ryan Reynolds. I was told that I'd be playing Little Red Riding Hood, based on the new movie just released, Red Riding Hood. I'll be wearing a little red cape with nothing else," she said with a sexy laugh.
"That's funny. One is a symphonic tale and the other is a fairy tale. How novel to put them both together for the making of a porn movie? Only, I'm really confused now, and, I don't mind saying, a bit worried," said Cheryl looking from Jenna to Christie.