Pita, PETA, Peter, and Naked Models


"Wait, did you say Ryan Reynolds, that hunk of a man?" Christie looked at Cheryl. "Well, maybe I can be persuaded to remove my clothes for a good cause," she said. "I am in the market for a fifth husband, after all," she said with a haughty laugh.

"Christie, what the Hell are you talking about? Are you talking about the PETA campaign or the porn movie?" Cheryl looked at Christie with a laugh. "If you're talking about the porn movie, you're probably required to suck his cock."

"Suck his cock? I only wish. Either one, the PETA campaign or the porn movie, what does it matter? If it's the PETA campaign or the porn movie, either way, so long as I'll be naked in front of Ryan Reynolds. Besides, now that I'm 57-years-old, after my last husband's sex scandal, I feel as if my life has suddenly become a porn movie and open for public speculation anyway. What's good for the goose is good for the gander and if I have a chance to do a naked, sex scene with Ryan Reynolds, I'm certainly not going to say no to that," she said with another snort and a big horse laugh, while fluffing her hair.

"Ladies," said the photographer, as if he was Chris Harrison on The Bachelor, entering the room with his staff. "Are we ready for the photo shoot?"

"No," said Cheryl. "There's some confusion, as to why we are here. The three of us have been booked for three different ads."

"Three different ads? Certainly not. What on Earth do you mean?" The photographer looked from one to another. "This is for the Earth Day commercial."

"Well," persisted Cheryl, "Christie thinks she's here for a Pita bread, Earth Day commercial. My agent told me that I was here for PETA, the animal rights organization, Earth Day commercial, and Jenna thinks she's here to make a porn movie with Ryan Reynolds, Peter and the Wolf with Little Red Riding Hood, that's loosely based on the movie, Red Riding Hood," she said with a dirty laugh.

"Actually," said the photographer, "none of those are correct," he said with a laugh. "I do apologize for the secrecy and in the way we got you three together. I feared you may not want to be part of this Earth Day commercial, if you knew the real reason."

Cheryl looked at Jenna, who looked at Christie, and Christie looked at her fingernails.

"I see," said Cheryl.

"Oh, I just love surprises," said Jenna.

"I don't understand," said Christie, using the phrase she's most often used during the course of her life.

"Allow me to enlighten you," said the photographer. "This photo shoot is for the Joel Osteen Ministries," he said, just as Joel's wife, Victoria Osteen walked in the room. "Victoria," said the photographer giving her a kiss on each cheek. "How are you, my dear? You look as beautiful as ever."

"I'm good," said Victoria giving a holier than thou smile to Christie, Cheryl, and Jenna.

"Ladies, may I introduce Victoria Osteen, the co-pastor of the Joel Osteen Ministries," he said holding her hand by her fingertips, as if she was the queen of England or a Goddess that just descended down from Heaven, instead of the Devil in disguise that she really was.

"Hi," said Christie. "I'm Christie Brinkley," she said giving her trademark, plastic smile.

"Hi," said Cheryl. "I'm Cheryl Tiegs."

"Hi," said Jenna. "I'm Jenna Jameson."

"Hi y'all," she said in her heavy Texas accent. "Oh, I know who y'all are," she said waving a hand heavy with diamonds. "I'm the one who picked y'all for the photo shoot. Well, shoot, actually, that's not entirely true either. Shucks, my congregation picked y'all," she said with a laugh more annoying than Christie's laugh.

If there was a woman that could be more annoying than Sarah Palin, it was Victoria Osteen. The sweetness that rolled off of her Texan tongue, somehow left you with a bitter aftertaste that made you think that your pockets had been picked or you had been fucked up the ass, when you bent over to retrieve your empty wallet.

"If it's not for Pita Breads, PETA animal rights, or Peter and the Wolf, the porn movie, then what is the photo shoot?" Cheryl looked at her with a jaundiced eye.

"Well," said Victoria with a satisfied smile. "This photo shoot is in honor of Peter, the Apostle, Saint Peter. We passed around a survey of the women that our congregation most admired and our little flock of the faithful picked you three overwhelmingly over Sarah Palin, Oprah Winfrey, Michele Obama, Hilary Clinton, Diane Sawyer, and Britney Spears."

"Interesting," said Cheryl with a laugh, "that you'd include Sarah Palin and Britney Spears in the same breath, as those other women, but more interesting that they'd pick two aging supermodels and a retired porn star over more accomplished women. What does that say about the state of religion today and more importantly about your congregation and about your ministry?"

"We strive to give our congregation whatever they want, honey, and whatever they need to keep their faith strong in our Lord, Jesus Christ, in these tough economic times. There's nothing wrong with a little tits, ass, and pussy, so long as it's tastefully done. After all, we're all naked before God," she said crossing herself, kissing her fingertips, and looking up, as if she was a baseball player, after having just hit a homerun and as if she could see God and Heaven through the dirty ceiling.

"Oh, brother," said Cheryl under her breath. "What a crock of shit?"

"Not to mention, we give them whatever they want to keep them coming to our sermons and donating their money to our church," said Victoria with a self-satisfied smile. "Since Earth Day, April 22nd and Easter April 24th, are only two days apart, we thought we'd combine the two by honoring one and observing the other, by making an Earth Day commercial and religious commercial in honor of Saint Peter."

"Well, just as I'd never do a porn movie, I'd never do a holy roller commercial with the likes of this phony," said Cheryl to the photographer, while looking at Victoria. "Actually, I'd do a porn movie with Jenna Jameson, before I'd do a fleecing of the flock commercial with you."

"Thank you, I think," said Jenna.

"You're welcome," said Cheryl.

"Who you calling a phony, you dyed blonde bitch?"

"Listen, Vicky," said Cheryl. "If the horns fit, wear them, instead of hiding them. You showed your true colors in how you treated that airline hostess by pushing and slapping her. I was aboard that plane and I witnessed the whole thing. You act so God almighty in front of everyone, but in real life you're just another fraud. You dupe people, who are searching for answers by worshiping God, out of their hard earned money. Shame on you. You're nothing but a charlatan and your church a fraud."

"That unfortunate incident aboard that plane was just an allegation and was never proven," said Victoria. "With all the turbulence in the air, that poor stewardess fell into my hand. My hand did not slap her. In truth and I already swore to this on the Bible, her face slapped my hand. Besides, we settled out of court to make the unpleasantness go away. As far as I'm concerned, it never happened."

"Her face slapped your hand? You've got to be kidding. Unbelievable," said Cheryl laughing. "So, is that what you do? You just write a check to cover the cost of your bad behavior," said Cheryl. "You're no better than Naomi Campbell. No, my apologies to Naomi, you're worse, because Naomi is not a fraud, a fake, and a phony. She is who she is. Hiding your real self behind God, you're just a chameleon there to steal money from those who don't even have it to give."

"How dare you compare me to another idiot supermodel? Who are you to judge me? You're just a model, a mere coat hanger, and a onetime pretty face," said Victoria.

"And I just have to scratch the surface to bring out the real Victoria Osteen," laughed Cheryl, "don't I?"

"I'll be in your commercial," said Christie raising her hand and smiling, as if she was still her teacher's pet in Monroe Michigan.

"Me too," said Jenna. "Whether it's a saint or a devil, it doesn't matter to me which Peter I fuck and suck, even a man playing an Apostle."

"Oh, this will never work," said Victoria to the photographer. "These three women have the morals and the intellect of my designer handbag."

"How dare you?" Cheryl grabbed Victoria by the blouse. Even though Victoria was tall, about 5'7" and 5'9" in heels, Cheryl dwarfed her with her 6'3" height in high heels.

When Victoria pulled away, her blouse ripped open exposing her bra clad silicone breasts.

"You bitch," said Victoria. "Look what you did to my designer blouse."

"Yeah, well, a woman of God shouldn't be walking around with a designer handbag, wearing a designer blouse, and flaunting fake boobs," said Cheryl.

"My boobs aren't fake," said Christie interjecting herself, which is what she always does. "They're just enhanced."

"Your boobs are just as fake as Victoria's boobs are, Christie," said Cheryl ripping open Christie's blouse and lifting up her bra to show everyone that Christie had fake boobs, too. Obviously fed up and disgusted by the amount of silicone in the room that went from their breasts to their brains, Cheryl was having a bit of a supermodel meltdown.

"I don't have fake boobs," said Jenna. "Well, I used to, but not anymore. I had them removed years ago. My boobs are, uhm, enhanced like Christie's boobs. Although," she said looking at Christie's fake boobs, "those don't look like enhanced boobs to me. Sorry, Christie, but your breasts look fake to me and I should know. Being in the porn business, I've seen enough of them. Everyone has fake books," said Jenna removing her top and bra to show everyone her enhanced boobs.

"How dare you assault me?" Victoria turned to Cheryl. When Victoria moved to slap her across the face, Cheryl punched her in the nose.

"You broke my fucking nose, you bitch."

"You're lucky I didn't knock out your capped teeth, bitch," said Cheryl.

That's when the real catfight started. With Victoria swinging wildly, slapping Christie and kicking Jenna, Cheryl, Christie, and Jenna pushed Victoria to the floor, stripped her naked, and beat the holy crap out of her. Then, in a free for all, four women brawl, it wasn't long before all the women were naked, screaming, and bleeding.

Joel Osteen stood in the doorway videotaping his wife's beat down, while the photographer was snapping photos of the big brawl. When it was over, all four women were bloodied, bruised, and naked.

"Well, this worked out surprisingly well, y'all. I think we have all that we need," said Joel Osteen laughing.

"You forgot something," said Cheryl to Joel Osteen.

"What's that, honey," he said to the naked supermodel with a big assed Texas smile.

"This," she said hauling back and kicking him in the balls hard enough to make him roll around on the floor screaming, as if he was a hog squealing for food.

In time for their combination Earth Day and Easter celebration services, Cheryl, Christie, and Jenna signed the release agreements, after each one was paid a million dollars from the Joel Osteen Ministries. The 60 second Earth Day and Easter commercial, starring Victoria Osteen, was appropriately called, Taking A Beat Down For God. The commercial showed Victoria taking a beating from three of the Devil's advocates, two aging, over-the-hill supermodels and a retired porn star.

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