Polyamory or Swing: Same or Different?

First let me state, that the following views are my own opinions. Opinions based on research I have gathered online, from lifestyle people, my own experiences, and other sources. My intentions are not to slight any lifestyle choice. This is just my attempt to share some of the pertinent information I have found. My position in the lifestyle gives me the opportunity to gather and share this knowledge. The knowledge that might be referred to as esoteric insider experiences. I share this information as a helping hand or a possible guide to those who are contemplating venturing into the Polyamorous or Swing lifestyle.

The easiest examples of types of poly relationships are the ones I know personally, for the last two years. I will start with mine first, and change all names of those involved to keep the anonymity of those I speak of. I will be purposely brief in each description because the details would be more of an erotic short story and not the research article this is meant to be.

We met L and R at the swing club that I ran. There was an instant attraction to this special couple. We didn't want to push the issue with these newbies to the lifestyle, so our plan was to take it slow. Excellent advice for anyone in any lifestyle. L and R made the typical newbie mistake , before they were mentally ready they rushed into an encounter with another couple. The out come of this was to say the least overwhelming yet not terrible mechanically. After their first encounter they reached out to us for advice. Advice on dealing with some of the common newbie feeling of a rushed first play. I am often called on by couples to act as what might be called an unofficial lifestyle counselor. We counseled them to the best of our ability and arranged to meet with them to just talk. Well needless to say one thing lead to another and we ended having what was the start of a beautiful relationship. Not the way I normally handle counseling the average couple.

Our new found playmates had a different effect on us, and we had the same effect on them. We were effected by them, like no other couple we had played with. There was a deeper emotional connection from the very start. One could say it was love at first site, and we all liked the feeling. We opened new experiences to them, specifically L played the Bi-sexual role for the first time and enjoyed the experience. They opened new experiences to us as well, we went from strict soft swap to full swap in a short time.

After a few weeks I was approached by R, and he expressed that L felt she could not live the swing lifestyle. She was upset because she did not want to give up what the four of us had. L was so upset, she was at the point of being physically ill. She had no desire to do the swing lifestyle bed hopping, and hated the idea of us with others. In the past this would have been a warning sign to back off. The thought of losing the connection we had found made her ill and depressed. We felt the same way about them, and feared L and R backing off of the lifestyle would effect the relationship we had. We asked ourselves the question should we continue our swing lifestyle or go excusive. For us the swing lifestyle had lost some of its glitter. Be it the over exposure from running a lifestyle club, or just the novelty had worn off. My wife and I seemed to need more than just the sex. After talking with my wife, we immediately suggested the idea of an exclusive relationship between the four of us. At the time, I didn't even know there was a name for the type of relationship we were entering. Once again the Internet found the label we needed for our joint mental focus.

Since our public emersion into the Polyamorous world we have been contacted by those who desire something similar. One couple in particular has tried twice with two different couples to find the same type of connection that we have found. Their first attempt ended in almost giving up the idea completely, however with persistence they found what seems to be just the right couple the second time around.

Still the whole idea of barriers and jealousy have and do come into play. Their outlook has evolved to one of open minded discussions and a willingness to make some changes in their four person or Quad relationship.

This Polyamorous thing is not exclusive to just two couple relationship. The common triad /threesome is even more frequently sort out with most swingers looking to try a poly twist. The search for the elusive unicorn( single Bi female), or even in some case the single male, seems to be the favorite starting point of a poly type of relationship. Often this is sort out by couples starting out in the lifestyle. In the case of the unicorn, it seems to be where the male feels less threatened and benefits greatly by the presence of a woman as a play partner.

I personally know of several couples who have and still live this poly variation. There are those that still jump in and out of the swing lifestyle with and without their triad poly partners. Variation seem to be a constant in the alternate lifestyles.

My personal experience is first in Monogamy, I guess we all started there at some point in our lives. I have also lived the typical Swing lifestyle for two marriages several years before venturing into the Polyamory. This by no means makes me any type of authority, however it does give me some prospective from the inside as well as the outside of the afore mentioned lifestyles.

For my wife and me, our alternate lifestyle experience started out as Swingers, and we loved the excitement and nightlife. The years spent as swingers were complete; they made our lives and marriage more exciting, and much stronger. We became closer friends and lovers, which is not always the case for some monogamous husbands and wives.

As the years past, on many levels, we became a bit unsatisfied with the shallow side of the swing world. Our relationships lack the emotional depth, we for some reason needed. Maybe this was the unforeseen catalyst for us to become more involved in Polyamory. In addition to our emotional needs, the final push came when we were lucky enough to meet just the right couple. A couple that was looking for an alternate lifestyle, yet found swing to extreme. I think we all just got lucky.

The swing lifestyle has been all about changes in sexual boundaries, since its inception. As the managers of a lifestyle club, we noticed a specific evolution that was taking place and seems to be gaining popularity. This evolution was not only taking place in us, but also in many swingers, we knew. The common change we noticed was that many of our swinger friends were now looking for that elusive and exclusive couple/ single. Those special go to couples/singles with whom; one could feel free to let their proverbial hair down. One of the paths, which seem to be gaining popularity with a select few swinging couples, and swing singles, seemed to be Polyamory.

When one looks at Polyamory, and at the Swing Lifestyle, the black and whites become obscured to many shades of gray. While the lines between these philosophically different lifestyles blur at first glance, both appear to mirror each other in many ways. When one takes a closer look and considers the individual boundaries of each, there are some drastic differences.

One needs to have some basic definitions of both lifestyles to completely understand each or any single philosophy. Although you need to remember that, these definitions are subjective and have an individual variation according to each person or couple's personal prospective.

The Swinging lifestyle as defined on Wikipedia: is "non-monogamous sexual activity, treated much like any other social activity. One that can be experienced as a couple. Now this is simple enough, and easy to understand that the relationships are basically sex for the erotic entertainment of the couple.

Yet this definition has new variations which need to be recognized. The most obvious of which is singles in the swing world. So to paraphrase the above definition into an acceptable connotation, it should then read as follows, a non monogamous sexual activity treated much like any other social activity. One that can be experience by consenting adults, both single or couples for pure erotic social entertainment.

The swing lifestyle seems to revolve around the philosophy of, recreational sex as a social activity or sex for sex sake as stated on Polyamorous Percolations. Just one of the many websites I visited in my research. The average swinger seems to care less for the emotional attachment and more for the erotic liaison. Not that this is a bad thing or that swing relationships do not create strong bonds of friendship. They are by definition more about sexual socialization and not about love and commitment. Simply put swinging is in short selective promiscuity.

The simplest yet most literate definition for Polyamory would be the first paragraph of one I found on Wikipedia: Polyamory from Greek Poly meaning many or several and the Latin Amour literally meaning love. It is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving relationship at a time with full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The truth be told Polyamory ( abbrev. as Poly) is much more complicated than this simple definition implies. This complication comes from the personal interpretations of this lifestyle. In one respect the Poly relationship, take just a bit from the swing lifestyle and a touch of monogamy. Yes, there are comparisons between Polyamory and Monogamy. This can be found in the exclusivity of the (tirade or quad) three or four person poly relationship. Be there a specific catalyst for emersion into the poly lifestyle, one tenet is clear, and the relationship is an exclusive one on some level. It would be misleading to say that poly is restricted in any way to just threes and fours, it is only restricted by what the boundaries and commitments that each relationship hold to be true. The notable differences between Monogamy and Polyamory are obvious. The prominent being, in the poly world, there is a common practice for the members of these relationships to have a meaningful, emotional sexual relationships, with one or more extra partners. These are not trysts or affairs but exist with in, and as an important part of the primary relationship. This makes the poly lifestyle more akin to responsible non monogamy or poly-monogamy if you will.

So is Polyamory another kind of swing lifestyle? The Polyamorous relationship does vary according to whom one asks. This can depend on how many are living each specific relationship. For instance, in the poly triad where three people have made a choice that is based on, philosophical beliefs, sexual preference, emotional involvement, and in some cases economic commitment to each other. The similarities to swing are harder to envision. This type of commitment to the best of my knowledge, is not found in the swing lifestyle. Although in the Polyamorous union, there is in most cases a sexual relationship. One which is inherently swing like.

The quad a four person poly relationship, you may have a significant difference. In the quad there are two primary relationship (in some cases two married couples) that commit on a exclusive, emotional, physical and philosophical level.

Although these poly relationship's may be having a sexual encounter involving any combination of the partners. They in most cases, do not have the sex with others outside their committed quad.

The greatest similarity between the Swing lifestyle and the Poly lifestyle is evident in the group. This is the newest crossover twist between the swing lifestyle and Poly lifestyle. This group is anecdotal evidence of the constant evolution present in both lifestyles. Following the geometric names given in the past I have chosen to name this, the circle. The circle: is the combination of swing and poly with a bit less of the emotional commitment and more philosophically attracted. The circle is a group of close friends in the swing or poly community that chooses to play with only those within its defined circle.

Difficulties of finding and maintaining the poly relationship, are vast and complicated. There are many social and moral pit falls. The same pitfalls you have in any lifestyle choice. The normal pangs of jealousy, economic trouble, and the emotional maintenance that comes with any relationship. When one combines those with other family obligations, to maintain the poly lifestyle may seem impossible or at the very least a lot of work.

The differences that separate the Poly lifestyle from Monogamy are the similarities it hold with the swing lifestyle. To re-state the obvious, it is the desire to have that erotic sexual relationship with others. Although in Polyamory, those sexual encounters are exclusive, be it with a single person, couple, or groups. Each lifestyle has its merits and difficulties, however once again they are individual choices. The important factor is they are choices made by consenting adults. This is the most important factor in any sexual lifestyle choice.

The computer rat that I am, I researched the topic of Polyamory. We are now approaching our two year anniversary with our selected poly couple. Like any other relationship we fight love and support each other on many diverse levels.

We have had to deal with children and family, who by choice we keep in the dark on this relationship. It's more of a don't tell unless asked approach. The hardest problem we find is not being able to express our love openly. The other problems like family functions and traditional vacations and holidays away from each other, in time will work themselves out. Many poly relationships take time and patients to build. They work on more than just the sexual level as in any committed monogamous relationship.

The hardest part of any alternative lifestyle to get through, seems to be social brainwashing we all have. The brainwashing which triggers some of the issues such as jealousy and the need for quality time spent with each member in the relationship. We have all been raised with a specific set of rules. Rules which tell use its wrong to love more than one person. Yet our society violates these rules. The media preaches a multi-sexual message of acceptance. Additionally in our family's and religious teaching, we are taught to love all. Still there is little acceptance for swing or poly lifestyles.

So how does swing and poly compare? This is the great debate which has many true answers. Swinging and the Poly world over lap in many ways and the subtle differences become obscured by the boundaries each relationship sets up. To this writer the two worlds are more alike than either hardcore wing would like to admit. They are both multi partnered sexual relationship. Both lifestyles accept same sex interests.

Although much to the dismay of many hardcore Polyamorous hardliners who don't want to be counted as swingers. While the majority of poly people are not critical of the Swing lifestyle they do not consider themselves part of the same group. While in the swing world, poly people are not real swingers. If you are exclusive how can you be a swinger. I feel it comes down to the simplest comparison. Swingers have the sex with people other than their primary partners and Poly people enjoy sex with people they are committed to whom are not their partners. There seems to be just one difference that is the involvement and commitment that poly relationships base their encounters on. There is a need for a common ground by those in each of these lifestyles. The need is for mutual acceptance of each others lifestyle practices. We go to the same clubs and desire similar sexual pleasures. The one thing both groups share is monogamists consider both groups, to say the least strange.