Polysexuality Ch. 01

Note: This is a draft (December 2006) of a work in progress. While there is no name on this draft, it is under copyright by the author.

Polysexuality:
When One Partner Isn’t Enough:
Discovering Your Polysexual Orientation

Chapter 1: What Is Polysexuality?—Defining Terms

What do these people have in common?

The wife who fantasizes about the body of her son’s soccer coach while having sex with her husband.

The happily married husband who sits in his office searching for free internet porn on his computer.

The college freshman who laments that she really enjoys sex and doesn’t understand why when guys get lucky they get high fives, while when girls do, they are branded as sluts.

The young man who enjoys going to strip clubs, watching the women, and getting an occasional lap dance.

His girlfriend, who enjoys going with him and flirting with the strippers.

The couple that gets together with other swingers for sex parties.

The wife who has a large toy collection she uses while her husband is at work, imagining having sex with many lovers.

The president who risked everything for a few minutes of oral sex.

The presidents who enjoyed sex with various women in the White House several times a week without comment by journalists (such as FDR, Kennedy, and Johnson).

The preacher who risked everything for a massage from a gay man.

The civil rights leader whose couplings with various women were recorded by FBI agents.

The boy who is so fascinated by bodies and talk of sex that the other kids say he has a dirty mind.

The escort who loves her ability to provide sexual satisfaction and loves the money she is paid before she returns to her unknowing family.

The basketball player who takes his pick of groupies after every game.

James Boswell, the 18th century biographer and friend of the great literary figure Samuel Johnson, who customarily hired a prostitute for an hour, then spent several hours in witty conversation with Johnson, then choose another prostitute on the way home.

Samuel Pepys, the important 17th century bureaucrat, whose wife caught him with his hand up the maid’s skirts.

Benjamin Franklin, who had a long line of sex partners, from prostitutes to aristocrats, while ignoring his wife for years at a time.

The woman who devours historical romance novels with well-muscled chests and low-cut bosoms on the cover and stories of seduction, rape, mistaken identity, and true love.

The man who enjoys flipping throughPlayboyat the barber shop.

Abraham, Lot, Jacob, Gideon, Samson, David, Solomon, and, of course, the prophet Muhammad.

The married woman who fantasizes about kissing a woman.

The man who cannot maintain a committed relationship, but prefers a series of sex partners.

The man who is in a wonderful committed relationship with a woman or another man, but still wants a series of sex partners.

The woman glued every day to her soap operas ortelenovelaswho can’t help imagining what her life could be if only . . .

The millions of men and women who think they might, if they had the opportunity and were sure they wouldn’t get caught, say yes if offered sex, but never get up their nerve, yet manage to survive pretty happily.

Not Perverts but Polysexuals

What do they have in common? What name can we give them that can fit them all? They are not all swingers. They are not all adulterers or fornicators, though most may want to be. They are not all mate poachers. They are not all promiscuous. Sex fiends, sexaholics, sex addicts, sexual perverts, sexual deviants—these may fit in some cases, but certainly not in all, and they are unduly pejorative.

What do they have in common? They are all polysexuals. Everyone who is not monosexual (wanting only one partner, ideally a spouse) or asexual (uninterested in sex) is a polysexual. Polysexuals make up a large percentage of the population, even though it seems that it is monosexuals (or closeted polysexuals who dare not come out) who make the laws, doing their best to enforce and preserve a monosexual moral system. The result is prejudice against polysexuals, laws against polysexuality, open polysexual-bashing without public outcry. Yet it may be that polysexuals will win in the long run. The sexual revolution is closer to being won than lost. Despite the laws, polysexuals are often seen on television and in movies, many music stars seem to be polysexual, and viewers and listeners are becoming used to the idea of polysexuality, even though they may not have ever heard the term. It’s easier to consider a familiar idea than an unfamiliar one.

As far as political power and legal rights, polysexuals are perhaps where homosexuals were before the Stonewall riots of 1969. Like homosexuals, polysexuals may well be born with a complicated genetic propensity toward their orientation. Like homosexuals, various environmental influences that would barely affect monosexuals encourage that orientation. Like homosexuals, they cannot change their orientation, though they may not discover it until middle age and though they may with more or less effort control it. Like homosexuals, they are not cripples, but they are what they are, and what they are should not only be tolerated, but be accepted as one of the ways of being normal and celebrated as a valid and viable form of cultural diversity.

It may seem that polysexuality is an umbrella concept that provides a useful etiology explaining the cause of a large range of sexual behaviors or fetishes or pathologies that have not generally been considered together. That is correct. Indeed, it might be applied to any sexual behavior that is not monosexual or asexual. We need such a term. It is a term that can bring people together and help them feel good about themselves.

Definitions

I didn’t invent the term “polysexuality,” but until I searched online, I thought I had. There seems to be a chain of British dance clubs called Polysexual. François Peraldi edited a book calledPolysexuality, published in 1981, but it dealt with a wide range of marginalized sexual interests, not primarily with what some scientists call “sexual variety.” There’ve been a few attempts to use the word in place of the well-established term bisexuality or as a subcategory of polyamory, but they haven’t caught on.

The meaning of the word is not yet carved in stone, and it’s a useful word, so I’m going to grab it and use it in my own way and hope it sticks. So here’s my definition of polysexuality, with definitions of other terms as well, so the distinctions will be clear.

Monogamy — This comes from Greek words meaning “one wedding” or “one marriage.” Thus, monogamy is one couple being married only to each other and to no one else. It doesn’t tell us if they’ve ever been married to someone else in the past or if they are having sexual relations with other people.

Polygamy — This means “many weddings,” but the word polygamy is used only in jest to refer to so-called “serial polygamy,” i.e., divorces and remarriages. Most people, when they say polygamy, mean one man with two or more wives, though this is not quite accurate (except perhaps legally). It might also be accurately used for a group marriage of two or more men with two or more women.

Polyamory is often defined as being in love with more than one person at a time, as distinguished from having sexual relations with more than one person. Sometimes polyamory is essentially polygamy without papers. In other cases it may be more like friends with benefits. Ideally, all the partners involved are emotionally involved with each other, whether or not they are sexually involved.

Monogyny — This means “one woman,” thus, generally, being married to one woman.

Polygyny — This means “many women,” so it’s the correct term for marriage of one man to two or more women.

Monandry — This means “one man” or “one husband,” thus, being married to only one man at a time. A monogamous heterosexual wife ismonandrous—married to only one husband—and a monogamous heterosexual husband ismonogynous—married to only one wife. Again, this doesn’t necessarily tell us if they are having sexual relations with other people.

Polyandry — This is the technical term for one woman having two or more husbands at once.

Heterosexuality — The Greek word “hetero” means “other” or “different.” Thus, a heterosexual is one who has a sexual interest only in people of the other gender.

Homosexuality — The word “homo” in Greek can mean “same,” so homosexual in this sense means having a sexual interest in those of the same gender, whether that be male or female. However, the word “homo” in Latin can also mean “man,” so homosexual in this sense means men having a sexual interest in other men. This confusion is why the wordlesbian is also useful for referring to women who have a sexual interest in other women. This is not the place to discuss whether a true homosexual man is solely interested in other men, or only primarily interested in other men. One seems to be born with either a homosexual predisposition or a heterosexual predisposition. One’s upbringing, experiences, culture, and other influences may encourage, stimulate, or repress one’s basic predisposition and turn it into an orientation.

Bisexuality — “Bi” is a Latin prefix meaning “two,” among other things. Thus, a bisexual is someone who has a sexual interest in both men and women. This is not the place to discuss whether a true bisexual feels equal interest in both genders, or might be primarily interested in one gender but able and willing to function sexually with the other one under the right circumstances.

Monosexuality — Amonosexual, whether single or married, is a person who is only interested in having sex with one partner. Both heterosexuals and homosexuals can also be by nature monosexual. A true monosexual is happy being that way and feels little or no interest in “playing around.” Monosexuals are comfortable with monosexual monogamy—they don’t have to struggle to remain that way. They do not seek what some scientists call “sexual variety” or “extra-pair copulation,” and they may condemn those who do or seek legislation restricting their behavior. They are perhaps less likely to divorce than polysexuals (though they may be quick to divorce a polysexual mate), and if they do divorce, it’s not because they want sexual relations with more people. They are less likely than polysexuals to be interested in pornography or indeed anything having to do with sex, including talk, jokes, or television programs.

Polysexuality — Apolysexual is a person who feels drawn to having sexual relations with more than one partner (over time—not necessarily more than one at once). As with homosexuality and heterosexuality, one seems to be born with either a monosexual or a polysexual predisposition. One’s upbringing, experiences, culture, and other influences may encourage or stimulate one’s polysexual predisposition, hardening it into an orientation.

Some polysexuals are polysexual in their minds, but not with their bodies. Some are single, some married. Some are homosexual, some heterosexual. Some are highly sexed, while others have a low sex urge. Probably nearly everyone who enjoys looking at the photos inPlayboyor looking at pornography on the internet is a polysexual. Most married men and women who have affairs are polysexual. Couples who swing happily are polysexual.

Some people control their polysexuality without too much difficulty, using will power. Some channel it with secret masturbation. Others find their polysexuality almost overpowering, whether or not they give in to it. These variations are all within the parameters of physiological normality, even when they are not within the parameters of cultural normality.

Some polysexuals prefer being single with easy access to multiple partners. For most polysexuals, the ideal is probably what we might callconsensual polysexual monogamy, where they live in a loving marriage relationship with a partner, sharing a home, companionship, and childrearing, but are allowed to have affectionate sexual relations with multiple partners, so long as the well-being of the marriage is not threatened.

Are you a polysexual? Is your mate? Is this causing problems in your life? What can you do about it? What are you going to do about it?