Polysexuality Ch. 02

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Is polysexuality a choice or an orientation?
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Part 2 of the 4 part series

Updated 09/22/2022
Created 11/18/2007
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Chapter Two: Is Polysexuality a Choice or an Orientation?

Polysexuals are people who feel drawn toward having more than one sexual partner, even though they may never actually do it. Even if they are celibate or monosexual, they tend to feel at least a certain fascination toward the idea of multiple partners, even if they can't imagine themselves actually going that far. Perhaps this is manifested in a shiver of excitement or jealousy during the sex scenes in Sex in the City or Desperate Housewives. Perhaps they find themselves masturbating while thinking about people to whom they are not married.

We have all heard stories in which apparently happy, well-adjusted married people have affairs, and we've wondered what could make them do such a foolish thing. Was it a mid-life crisis? Was there turmoil beneath the placid surface of the marriage? Had they fallen out of love? But we may be asking the wrong questions and entirely misinterpreting the actions of these people.

[BOX: What Are the Scientists Saying? Are polysexuals unstable, off-balance, or sick? Psychologist David M. Buss writes, "Nor is it true that people who pursue casual sex are somehow maladjusted or psychologically pathological. Women and men who have experienced many different sexual partners are just as emotionally stable as those who have had only a few, one, or none. Indeed, men who have had many sexual partners score higher on self-esteem than men with a history of fewer partners." (The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating" rev. ed. (New York: Basic Books, 2003), pp. 258–259.]

Orientation or Lifestyle: Does It Matter?

Does it matter whether polysexuality is a choice or an orientation? Yes, very much. It affects the extent of guilt people feel and bear and the level of their control over the decision to become an active polysexual. Is the action a natural extension of the way someone is at birth and the way someone is raised, or is it mere perversity in the face of many clearly negative side-effects? If polysexuality is merely a choice, people can help themselves. If polysexuality is not a choice but an orientation determined by a hypothetical genetic configuration, it is much harder for them to help themselves. In that case we may need to take their orientation into account, cut them some slack, be more understanding.

There was a time when homosexuality, whether male or female, was considered merely a choice. It was thought, thus, that people didn't have to become homosexuals if they didn't want to. They could choose to live and act heterosexual if they wanted to. Heterosexuals knew that they themselves felt no urge for same-sex relations, so there was no reason why homosexuals should. Some saw homosexuality as a sickness, but more saw it as deliberate perversity and sinfulness. Today homosexuals generally argue that they are not sick, but one of the ways of being normal and healthy. (The American Psychological Association confirms this. See "Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality"; < http://www.apahelpcenter.org/articles/article.php?id=31>; retrieved 20 March 2006.) They are different in some ways, but within the range of normal genetic variation within the species. Fewer people than before brand as sinful an orientation over which homosexuals have little control, as they were born with a predisposition to it.

Researchers and activists have convinced governments and employers that homosexuality is an unchangeable orientation rather than merely a lifestyle choice. It seems appropriate to discriminate against people who make bad choices by punishing them. It seems less appropriate to punish people who are being what they are born to be, whether they want to be that way or not. In many cases, appropriately, it is illegal to discriminate against people on the basis of sexual orientation.

It is also generally illegal these days to discriminate against people on the basis of gender or ethnicity. If either a man or a woman can do the job, then we need to be willing to hire either one. If a job can be done as well by a person of African descent as by a person of European descent, then ethnic background should be immaterial. If a job can be done as well by a homosexual as by a heterosexual, then we must base hiring choices on other criteria. We can discriminate between job applicants on the bases of likeability, collegiality, competence, speaking and writing skills, and many more. Those things make a difference in a person's ability to do a job well. But we generally can't legally discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation, gender, and ethnicity. This is good.

Born That Way

Similarly, we need to recognize that polysexuality is a sexual orientation. Orientation refers to the direction one faces: north, west, into the wind, away from the wind. Polysexuality should not be seen as a horrible perversity, but as a way of facing the world, a normal variation, an acceptable way of seeing life, even though it colors the way life is seen (as do many things).

Consider the case of Bill Clinton, arguably one of our most talented and eloquent presidents, but definitely a polysexual. If he weren't a polysexual, why would he have taken the risks he took with women? His decision to pursue women was a terrible move, nearly demolishing his career, yet he was a great politician, and surely he should have realized the repercussions. So why? He's a polysexual, and that orientation clouded his otherwise-clear mind when it came to women. Millions of people were appalled and disgusted by his sexual decisions, and Congress tried to impeach him, yet he was merely acting according to his orientation. If his orientation were recognized for what it was, then his womanizing would have seemed much less scandalous. The fact that his wife stayed with him suggests that she realized that his polysexuality had nothing to do with his being dissatisfied with her.

Although researchers have not yet found a "gay gene," it's generally accepted in the scientific community that the homosexual orientation is probably a matter of some genes being switched on and some being switched off. Like, say, male pattern baldness, if it's not in your genes, it's not going to be a problem for you.

But a full-blown orientation probably takes more than just genes. The environment also influences behavior. Thus, some people are born with a genetic tendency toward a certain kind of obesity, fat build-ups in certain areas, a slow metabolism. That doesn't mean they will necessarily be obese, but they will if they have the chance. If they live in a place where they don't have access to adequate calories and have to do a lot of physical labor, they may remain slim. Given a normal diet, though, they will expand. This is somewhat controllable, but not easily. Where most people can pretty easily control their weight through diet and exercise, people with a genetic disposition toward extreme obesity can only control their weight with herculean efforts. If they succeed, they should be acclaimed. If they don't, though, they should not be jeered at.

Other people have a less strong disposition toward obesity (there may be various genetic configurations that lead to different types of obesity), but various social factors can lead to overeating. Perhaps their mothers urged them daily to eat everything on their plates. Perhaps they were teased at school and discovered that a full stomach eased the pain. Perhaps there was always a lot of junk food available at home. Perhaps they had friends who were always eating. These people find it easier to control themselves, easier to lose weight, than those with genes that make them extremely obese, but it's still hard work. Both are oriented toward obesity, but some may have a stronger genetic predisposition toward it than others.

The same goes for polysexuals. Some find it nearly impossible to avoid seeking out multiple partners, no matter what the cost. Others want multiple partners, but with rigorous self-control they can remain non-active.

Comparing Homosexual and Polysexual Orientations

It's generally thought these days that homosexuality is not usually a choice and is seldom due only to environmental pressures, though it may be at times. The homosexual orientation seems to have a genetic source, even though the genes involved have not yet been found, so this remains hypothetical, and sometimes people end up as active homosexuals without much environmental influence. However, given the apparently genetic predisposition, environmental influences that might be experienced by most people without tempting them toward a homosexual lifestyle can have a big effect on those who are predisposed toward it.

This is why children adopted by a homosexual couple will probably grow up tolerant of homosexuality, but they are unlikely to be homosexuals themselves. Only a small percentage of the population has a homosexual orientation, and unless the adopted children are born with a genetic configuration that leads to that orientation, they are not likely to become practicing homosexuals. (David M. Buss writes, "Although controversy surrounds estimates, most scientists converge on the finding that roughly 96 to 98 percent of all men and 98 to 99 percent of all women have a primary orientation toward heterosexuality, . . ." The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating, rev. ed [New York: Basic Books, 2003], p. 251.)

By contrast, children who are born with a homosexual orientation and then find themselves befriended by homosexuals (who never take advantage of them sexually) are probably much more likely to become homosexuals because they are more likely to realize what they are. A heterosexual teenager is probably not going to be tempted to became a practicing homosexual by watching Will & Grace or Brokeback Mountain, but a teenager with a genetic tendency toward homosexuality who hasn't been exposed to it before may resonate, recognize his orientation, and decide to become active.

There are plenty of people who are born with a tendency toward homosexuality, yet their environment is such that they don't realize it. They might sense that something is wrong, that they aren't quite like most people, without ever realizing that they are genetically homosexual. Then, when they are grown, perhaps, they discover their orientation. We may be shocked when a woman leaves her husband and family and runs off with another woman. We may wonder if her husband abused her or if he was sexually inadequate. Most likely that was not the case. The woman just suddenly discovered what she was and heard the siren call from Lesbos. The same goes for men.

I had an acquaintance in high school who seemed rather effeminate, and at the time I assumed he was gay. But he ended up marrying one of the girls in our class. They remained married for more than twenty years, though they had no children. Finally, he decided that he was a homosexual. He and his wife divorced amicably, remaining good friends, and he moved in with another guy. Last I heard from him, he was very happy. He almost certainly had a homosexual leaning in high school, even though he avoided it or didn't recognize it at the time.

If a person is born with a predisposition toward polysexuality, what sort of events can lead this tendency to express itself as what we might call an orientation (given that it colors every aspect of how a person sees life, just as does the homosexual orientation)? After all, our society is quite aggressively heterosexual and monosexual. Most adults kids meet are married, were married, or wish they were married. There is plenty of playing around on television and in movies, but if married people do play around on the screen, it is generally portrayed as a horrible mistake. There is clearly a societal norm: that norm is married monosexuality, and we continually drill it home.

Orientations Can Be Established Early

Sexual difference often catches the interest of children born with a polysexual predisposition. This can happen so early that at times the orientation seems to come without any environmental coaching. This recognition could come while children watch their mothers change a sibling's diaper. It could come as siblings share a bath. Children notice differences, ask about them, then often talk about what they've learned from parents. (One woman told me how, at age three, she walked around for weeks repeating what her mother told her after she noticed her baby brother while he was being bathed: "Boys have a penis; girls have a vagina." She was struck by the difference and memorized the explanation. It fascinated her.)

One man told me that his earliest memory, from when he was three, was seeing a neighbor boy pull down his shorts and move his bowels in the back yard. The three year old went over to have a look and was amazed by the size of it. Later he was offended when his mother, not knowing what had happened, straightened the neighbor boy's shorts, tucked in his shirt, and told him he was a good boy. The fact that this memory imprinted itself at such a tender age suggests that it was important. It wouldn't have been for most children, but for a child predisposed to interest in sexual things, it was unforgettable.

Children may even notice things about themselves they hadn't seen before, such as getting a childish erection in the bathtub. They may develop a passionate interest in observing the differences between themselves and others, and this can lead to episodes of kids playing doctor or exposing themselves to each other. It's quite possible that children with a polysexual orientation are the ones most likely to be interested in this. I've met many polysexuals who remember doing this. For example, one talented artist claims that by the time she was five, she loved to play doctor, and she was generally the doctor. [Cut] She can recall no adult abuse that might have precipitated this interest. She must have visited a doctor's office, though, [cut]. To this day, she remains fixated on anal activity with a variety of partners and finds her primary satisfaction there.

Exposure to nudity can also sensitize children with a polysexual leaning and encourage them to want to see it again. A nude scene in an R-rated movie may seem mildly titillating to parents and disgusting to monosexual children, but it may remain unforgettable for polysexual children.

One man told me, "I was always interested in sex, I think, as far back as I can remember, but the incident that really set me off happened when I was twelve. I was wandering around in the woods near my home, and for some reason I decided to lift a large rock that looked out of place. Under the rock was a Playboy magazine. (It may have been left there by a college-age neighbor.) I lifted the magazine and leafed through it. It was electrifying for me, mesmerizing. [Cut] I still remember a lot of the photos. All airbrushed—no pubic hair to be seen. When I returned to the rock a few days later, the magazine was gone, but after that I often thought about what I'd seen. Then, when I was thirteen, I began buying my own copies of Playboy and smuggling them home." Probably this man's polysexuality would have surfaced in any case, but this certainly fertilized it.

Environmental Influences on Polysexuality

Many kids hear sexual jokes or see hints of sexuality on television. Many women on television dress in a provocative manner—at least the way teenage boys see it. I know very well why I liked the program Charlie's Angels when I was in high school—and why my parents wouldn't let me watch it. It wasn't the fighting.

Some kids hear a lot of talk about sex from their parents. While most parents, perhaps, rarely mention sex, some mention it a lot. Also, in a day when more than a quarter of kids come from broken homes, many have seen parents dating, seen them bring home boyfriends or girlfriends. Polysexual kids are especially likely to notice this.

Polysexual kids are also the ones at school most likely to be extremely interested in sex. They may talk about sex a lot. They may read about it and learn a lot about the techniques of sexual intercourse. If they do, they will of course pass on the information. This is why some students with a polysexual orientation get a reputation for being sex maniacs. They may well still be virgins, but what they take to be a normal interest in sex turns out to be rather more intense than that of most of their classmates.

In high school and college, polysexual young people are probably much more likely to spend a lot of time thinking about sex and plotting ways to get it. They are probably more likely to have many partners and less likely to go steady for years. This does not mean that they realize they are polysexuals. (Indeed, most people who are polysexuals don't realize it—they simply know they are interested in having sex with multiple partners, or at least fantasizing about it.) In college, late night bull sessions among the guys and girls chatting with roommates and other friends can do a lot to help young people become more interested in having multiple sexual partners.

MTV and related channels are also major ways young people are helped to develop their polysexuality. Forty years ago, children and teenagers listened to radios. For the past couple decades they have watched the songs, and video producers have often sexualized songs, adding sexy bits not found in the lyrics to hold audience interest. A song that has little to do with sex may flash a dozen barely clothed women in it. Boys are excited by what they see. Meanwhile, girls gain tips on dressing and acting from these videos that flaunt sexuality. Both boys and girls learn to dance while watching music videos.

Then they go to high school dances, dance clubs, and concerts. Dancing in hot rooms to loud music with many partners can be very erotic. Doing this doesn't make people into polysexuals, but it can help bring out the polysexual in those with that genetic predisposition.

Polysexuality and Abuse

I've met a number of adults who were sexually abused as children by fathers, brothers, uncles, and grandfathers. One girl's father—a prosperous, handsome lawyer who loved to take his daughter sailing—not only sexually abused her himself, but made a lot of money by renting her to a neighbor.

Some of these women attempted suicide. Others became obese or anorexic. Some cut themselves. Many flunked out of school. What's odd is that despite the trauma these women went through, they are all now polysexual. (I am not suggesting that this happens to all women who have been sexually abused, but only to all the ones I have interviewed, and for all I know they are unusual.)

Psychologists might tell us that in some perverse way, these women have come to associate sex with what little they received of love, so now they seek out sex with many men in order to glean a little affection. This may be. I don't know.

What I suspect is that even though the sexual abuse is in my experience in every case traumatic, both at the time and in later years, girls with a polysexual orientation may not get any pleasure during the abuse, but it does sensitize them to the idea of sex as something not reserved for marriage. Many women find themselves unable to function well sexually after being sexually abused. It may be that abused girls with a polysexual orientation are more likely to respond in later years by wanting multiple partners than by wanting no partners.

Pornography Encourages Active Polysexuality

Among adults, magazines continue to arouse polysexual interest. X-rated videos quickly sensitize people to being aroused by people who are not their spouses. This can eventually lead to active polysexuality.

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