Porn Reviews Exposed

It only takes a few glances of her stunning body to become a fan of Sylvia Saint. She is a traffic stopper. She is a Czechoslovakian case of C-4 on two shapely legs, and as beautiful as she is to look at, to see her in hardcore action is even more amazing. I must have her. This is no joke. I am thinking of making “Have sex with Sylvia Saint” my number one resolution for 2003.

I’m not sure if this will happen, so I’ll have to make do (for now) with reviewing three of her movies.

Sylvia Exposed: Starring Sylvia Saint, Randy Spears, Brick Majors, Brian Surewood, Kevin Long, and Jay Ashley. This film has seven unrelated scenes of Sylvia paired with a stud from the porn industry. I was hoping for some girl-girl work, but that’s okay. Sylvia actually prefers sex with men, but doesn’t mind going down on someone like Felicia now and then. I gave this film to a friend of mine and she said it “wore her out.” It’s not quite a greatest hits, but it’s a fun romp. Her first scene in this film is entitled “Painted Lady” and is with one of her favorite co-workers, Randy Spears. I thought this guy had retired by now, but why retire when you can bone someone like Sylvia? The first thing you notice about this film is Sylvia in her Daisy Dukes and white high heels, but after that there is an annoying sound not unlike a faulty cigarette lighter. This sound, obviously a defect missed by the sound editor, fades in and out through the entire film.

Sylvia is painting a wooden stool, and Spears comes in to check her out. He looks like he’s trying to hold in a belch for most of this scene. There are great shots of her powerful eyes as she goes down on him. He screws her over the stool, but switches to reverse cowgirl just as she was getting her rhythm (a major irritation in my viewing pleasure, as I have ranted about before). She does most of the work in this scene, but has a teeth-grinding good time. There is some reverse cowgirl anal, but this too ends too quickly so she can get some doggy anal action over the stool. Why didn’t she just stay bent over the stool? There’s a facial, but I was distracted by the shadows of the crew in the background.

The second scene, “When her husband’s away,” is with Brick Majors. Brick wanders around a garden before going into a house with this wild fireplace that looks like it was dug up from the lost city of Atlantis. She “appears” shocked to see him, and they are soon screwing on a pool table. There is some slow cunnilingus here, which is fine, but the soundtrack in this scene (with its dubbed moaning) is annoying. They happily fuck on a couple chairs and there’s a dog barking somewhere outside while he delivers the facial.

Next is “While her boss is away,” with Brian “the hippie” Surewood. She’s dressed as a French maid and he, apparently, is the gardener who has been frozen in time since 1967. Brian Surewood is not the most attractive man in the adult film business, so it only makes me madder to see him eating Sylvia’s pussy instead of me. She sucks his cock and he looks and sounds ready to blow his wad at any time, especially when she looks up at him. When she speaks to him with her wonderful accent, it’s worse. I nearly blow my load every time she talks in this scene, with great dialogue like “Fuck me in my ass.” At one point, while he is slamming her in standing doggie, she looks back at him, grabs his chin and asks, “Is that all what you can do?” Sylvia’s energy makes up for Surewood’s bad looks, even when the director keeps distracting her. There’s a big facial at the end when we hear the boss come home.

Randy Spears returns in “Trash Talkin’.” The two of them have phone sex, but the audio levels are bad and we can’t hear much of what Sylvia is saying. This is an average scene that lacks heat until the end. “Spectre” with Kevin Long has Sylvia as a sexy ghost who sucks his big red bone. He looks pale in this scene, so I guess all the blood goes to his dick. Her mouth is stretched as she sucks him, and the shots of her looking at the camera while she does are ball-busting.

“Lust” with Jay Ashley is a bit confusing at first. Sylvia is in a fetish outfit and dancing in some club. Three pairs of male hands grope her, but we’ll have no gangbangs here! She changes to a white aerobics outfit, and then some outfit mostly made of black rope. Jay enjoys a sweet box lunch, but he gets more oral from her than she does from him. There is some ass-cam and this sub-average scene ends in a facial. The final scene is “Nasty Pleasures” with Randy “I’m the luckiest bastard in this film” Spears. Sylvia looks fantastic in a tight green dress as she dances for him. She has a fun time in this scene full of weird horror film-like camera angles.

Keep Kleenex handy forWhen the Boys Are Away, the Girlz Will Play, starring: Sylvia Saint, Keri Windsor, Taylor Thomas, Envy, Summer Cummings, Skye Blue (who also directs), Kelsey Heart, Alex Foxe, Gwen Summers, and Adaiija.

I have a bone to pick with the marketers of this film. Do not let the packaging fool you. The cover has a picture of Sylvia and Jewel D’Nyle. Jewel has only a small cameo in this film (as do Haven, Felicia, Charlie, Maya, Devine, and Lola). The pictures on the back of this DVD are NOT taken from the film. Thus, I did not get to see the hot looking strap-on threesome with Jewel as pictured on the back of the case. Beware!

This movie is the first in a series of girl-girl films. Sylvia does a little dance and then interviews the cameo girls about girl-girl sex to separate the scenes. The first scene is with Sylvia and Keri Windsor in a bathroom, and it’s one of the best. Sylvia gets out a blue vibrator and Keri says, “Don’t make me beg, put it in my pussy.” Sylvia does, and brings Keri to a lip-biting orgasm. Keri looks like a madwoman as she sucks Sylvia’s toes and gives her some hard dildo fucking.

Next, Taylor Thomas and Envy screw on a kitchen counter after Envy makes a sundae on Taylor’s body. Envy, who is one of Sylvia’s favorite girls to work with, sounds like a Bond villain with her Russian accent. She also apparently keeps dildos in her kitchen. This scene is somewhat lame, but Taylor’s cunnilingus technique is sexy. She’s more exploratory than Envy (who has a bad hair style in this scene, her forehead looks enormous).

Not content to just sit behind the camera, Skye Blue decides to fuck the massively titted Summer Cummings on a motorcycle. Skye pounds her with a strap-on, but the scene fades as Skye is moaning from some dildo treatment from Summer. I hate it when scenes end too early.

The next scene is better. Alex Foxe finds Kelsey Heart’s dildo drawer and it’s a lesbian love-fest from there on. Skye Blue finally shows us some hot girl-girl kissing (with pierced tongues), and Alex is soon trembling from a combination of finger fucking, pussy eating, and dildo and vibrator treatment. “You wanna get married?” She asks while some guy off-screen is talking and ruining the moment. Alex and her long tongue patiently eat Kelsey’s cunt and give her a green dildo for good measure. Whose phone is ringing while Kelsey is cumming? Someone kick that guy’s ass!

Finally, we have Sylvia dressed as a gangster (fedora and all) and watching Gwen Summers and Adaiija dance and masturbate for her. She must touch them! I must touch them! Sylvia breast-feeds them both and she is soon moaning like a jet turbine while Adaiija fucks her with a dildo from behind. Adaiija tries a little too hard to be sexy in this scene, but is cute just the same. There is some nice kissing at the end, but this scene should have been longer. The DVD also has some bonus material: a photo gallery of 11 stills from the film, and an interview with Sylvia!

The last film in this installment of reviews isX-Girls. This big budget super hero spoof stars: Sylvia Saint, Chloe, Jewel De Nyle, Gina Ryder, Bridgette Kerkoff, Angelica Sin, Renee La Rue, Shay Sweet, Mike Horner, Evan Stone, Rich Handsome, and Kyle Stone.

Sylvia is an ambassador from a foreign country. Shay Sweet is her assistant. If all U.N. assistants look like Shay, I’m changing jobs. Shay and Sylvia are in an out of control limousine that is stopped by “Mindforce” (played by Chloe, who is dressed like Morticia Addams) and her magic staff. Another super villain, “Kinetico,” (played by Evan Stone and dressed like someone from Gwar) shows up to congratulate Chloe on her successful evil mission. They celebrate by fucking on the limo’s hood. I don’t know why Sylvia and Shay didn’t run away during all this. I guess we wouldn’t have a movie if that were the case. Evan gets good, sloppy, deep head. Chloe screws him while she’s in the wheelbarrow position. She cums twice in this scene, and he delivers a lame tit shot.

Renee the skimpily dressed district attorney shows up at the police station to give the police captain, Kyle Stone, the lowdown on the ambassador’s kidnapping. She convinces him to let the X-Girls take care of this job. He calls them and says if they can rescue Sylvia, they’ll get their super hero license back. I’m not making this up. After this phone call, Renee and Kyle fuck in his office. I’m assuming everyone is out on patrol, or that no one ever stops by the captain’s office (and that his walls are sound proof), because these two have a wild scene. Renee La Rue looks awesome with a cock in her mouth.

The X-Girls are “Vixen (Angelica Sin),” “Flare (Brigette Kerkoff),” and “Mesmeratix (Gina Ryder – the worst acting of the three).” They have a cool headquarters complete with stripper pole, and a neat muscle car they drive around town. Vixen can turn invisible, Flare can shoot fireballs from her fingers, and Mesmeratix can hypnotize people. They figure the super villains are actually androids created by their nemesis, Dr. Wang (played by Mike Horner).

Cut to Dr. Wang’s hide-out where he just finished creating “Metallikiss,” played by Jewel De Nyle. It’s a bad scene in which they have sex on an operating table. I have heard and read that Jewel is a wild performer who will do anything, but if all her scenes are like this one, I’m not impressed. Downstairs, Sylvia and Shay escape their bonds and have their obligatory lesbian scene. Dr. Wang isn’t too evil, because he left them a double-ended dildo to play with, and the director plays it smart and shows us their faces as they please each other.

The X-Girls attack Dr. Wang’s fortress. Gina hypnotizes Evan without effort and is soon bouncing in reverse cowgirl on Dr. Wang’s front lawn. Inside, Angelica turns invisible and takes out Chloe, although we don’t see this happen. Chloe confront Angelica and Brigette, and then it cuts to Chloe unconscious on the floor. They save the day, of course. However, when Angelica and Brigette return to X-Girls HQ, they are “attacked” by “Savage” (Rich Handsome), the last of Dr. Wang’s goons. This “attack” entails giving both girls anal piledrivers on their dancer’s stage surrounded by flames. Both girls seem to enjoy it and they look great making out.

This is a fun film, but it could have been better. Where was the big X-Girls gangbang? Where was the scene where Dr. Wang captures them and forces them to do his naughty bidding? Why didn’t Chloe screw Angelica and Brigette when she had the chance? Why didn’t Sylvia and Shay screw the X-Girls in thanks for the rescue? Why wasn’t Jewel unleashed on the X-Girls for another lesbian marathon? The DVD has a bonus Chloe scene from the filmCrystal Dreams.

You can’t go wrong with any of these movies, because Sylvia Saint is in all three of them. Yes, they aren’t the greatest or hottest, but all three feature one of the most beautiful performers to come down the pipe in a long time.