Post-Nuptials

Many thanks to Kitty Pain for all her hard work in editing and improving this story from a previous version.





It had been three weeks since Eugene and Audrey had had sex, and he was ready to explode.

He had tried everything, from subtle hints to fancy dinners. Gradually, he had become increasingly direct. Tonight, he had coated his request in flattery, with a touch of humor, ribaldry and raw desire, and she had still turned him down.

"Are you playing some kind of game with me?" he said.

"No."

"Then what's wrong?"

"I'm not in the mood."

"You haven't been in the mood for three weeks."

He waited for her to respond, but she said nothing. Audrey was a woman of few words. The first time he had met her was at a party, and she had been charming and chatty. But on their first date, he sweated blood to get her to talk. So he was used to her silences.

"What's wrong?" he said.

"Nothing."

"Why won't you have sex with me?"

"I don't feel like it."

"Shouldn't you see a doctor?"

"No."

"But we can't go on like this!"

"Why not?"

"Wait a minute. We used to have sex two or three times a week. We celebrated our 10th anniversary last month. And all of a sudden, you have no interest in me?"

"I didn't say I have no interest in you."

"But you just said you don't care if we go on like this. You're contradicting yourself."

"No, I'm not. I have an interest in you."

"But you don't have an interest in having sex with me."

"Right."

"Do you have any idea how this lack of interest started?"

"No."

"When did you first realize you didn't desire me anymore? Was it something I did?"

"No, it wasn't something you did, and I don't know when I first realized it."

"Was it exactly three weeks ago, or earlier?"

"Earlier."

"How much earlier?"

"I don't know exactly!"

"Was it more than a month?"

"Yes."

"Was it more than three months?"

"Yes?"

"Wait a minute. Was it more than a year?"

"Yes?"

"But why didn't you say anything before this?"

"Because, I didn't want a divorce."

"But now you do?"

"I'm fine with the way things are."

"Wait. I want to go back so I get this straight. Has it been more than five years?"

"Yes."

"More than 10 years?"

"Yes."

"Did you ever desire me?"

"I wanted to marry you, didn't I?"

"You didn't answer the question."

"No, I didn't desire you sexually."

"Then, why did you marry me?"

"There were other things about you I desired. And you desired me."

As they talked, Eugene began feeling faint. It began in his stomach, which felt like a large fist was slamming into it over and over. He put his hands around it and started to double over and fall off his chair, but he caught himself and sat up and took some slow deep breaths as he looked at Audrey. She was not facing him directly. After he got control of himself, he began speaking but nothing came out at first. He stopped and then started again and tried his best to speak in a calm voice although he felt like screaming at her.

"I forgot what you said a moment ago," he said. "Did you say you don't want a divorce."

"No, What I said was I'm fine with the way things are. But if you want a divorce, I won't fight it."

"You can't anyway in California," he said. "Everything's split 50-50. I wonder what the jury would say in a different state about you deceiving me for more than 10 years. You say you don't mind staying together. What am I supposed to do?"

"I don't mind if you go to whores, since I won't have to worry about catching anything. It's none of my business."

"What about you?"

"It's none of your business."

"Have you been seeing another man?"

"It's none of your business."

"You seem to know the law too, Audrey. If you're seeing someone else, the worst I could do is divorce you, which you don't mind, because you'd get half of everything. But why wouldn't you want to be with him -- unless maybe he's married."

"Is this conversation finished?"

This time he couldn't keep his voice from rising. "Yes, Audrey," he said. "I'm only going to say this once, but I have to say it. You are a cold-hearted bitch, but a hell of an actress. Do you have a lawyer?"

"Yes, it's Portia."

"Oh yeah, your friend. So she's been advising you. I always thought she was a nice person and felt sorry for her because her asshole husband runs after every skirt he sees. I've never done that to you. It looks like you're about to yawn. OK, we'll let the lawyers do the talking."

For some reason, Eugene procrastinated. He woke up the next morning feeling like a dead man. Everything he had taken for granted had turned out to be wrong. It was as if he were a ghost in his own marriage. He walked around in a daze day after day.

He took care of his needs with some nice looking call girls, but he felt like an animal being serviced and got little pleasure from them. He caught himself thinking of ending it all a couple of times, but the realization that Audrey would inherit his entire estate stopped those impulses.

He was sitting in a Starbucks bent over his double shot one afternoon when he felt someone's eyes on him. He looked up to see Portia gazing at him from a nearby table. When she saw him looking back, she smiled until she saw his face turn dark. He got up and headed for the door.

"Wait!" she shouted as he was walking down the street. He stopped and she ran up to him.

"I know I haven't seen a lawyer yet, Portia," he said. "Don't ask me why."

"I feel so bad for you, Eugene," she said. He looked at her, and her eyes were moist.

"OK, fine, Portia," he said. "I'm not blaming you for representing Audrey. She's your friend. But I shouldn't be talking to you. I don't know what she told you, but I'm still in shock, and I might say things that you could use against me. So goodbye."

"I'm not representing Audrey anymore," Portia said. "I can't tell you anything she told me because it was privileged, but when I started to ask her some questions about your marriage, she clammed up. The next day she called and told me she decided to use another lawyer because we've known each other as couples. But she doesn't really need a lawyer anyway. I think she knows family law as well as I do. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how badly I felt for you, and I also wanted you to know that I'm divorcing Jake.

"I'm sorry," said Eugene. "Actually, I take that back. I'm happy for you, because you've always seemed too nice a person to be punished with a husband like Jake. I'm sure you're going to find a wonderful man the second time around."

"I hope so," said Portia. "And I wish you the same with your second wife."

"I don't know if I'll ever trust a woman again," he said.

"Don't say that," she said. "Audrey is not your average woman. When Jake and I used to get together with the two of you, she and I would talk about business, and I found out she's totally amoral. That's one reason why she's been so successful. She won't do anything illegal, but only because the risk is too great. But she'll do anything short of illegal to come out ahead, including cheating. It's not even something she thinks about. She's a special woman. I don't think that came out right."

"No, it's true," he said. "She certainly is something special." He laughed a hollow laugh. "Thanks for your good wishes. I'll see you around."

He called Portia a week later and asked her for a referral.

"Would you think it strange if I suggested myself?" she said.

"Could you do that?" he said.

"I'd have to get permission from both Audrey and her lawyer," she said. "But if you like the idea, I'll try."

The next day, she called and said, "They both said they didn't care, so if you want me, I'm yours. I should tell you that it's pretty cut and dried. Audrey has prepared pretty well."

"What do you mean?" he said. "In this state, there's not much she or I can do."

"You're wrong," said Portia. "When you come in, I'll tell you what she's done to you. But you're right that there's not much you can do now. Can you come in early tomorrow? I'm all booked up, but I'll come in an hour before my first appointment if you want."

The next morning, she told him, "We don't have much time, but before we talk about anything else, I need to tell you about the 10-year rule. When Audrey consulted me, I asked her if she knew about it, but she didn't answer me. I could tell she did, though."

"What are you talking about?" said Eugene.

"I thought you wouldn't know," said Portia. "In simple terms, if a woman is married to a man for 10 years in California, she gets a huge advantage in a divorce. It could be the man, too, like when the woman is a wealthy movie star.

"After 10 years, the court considers the spouse more of an integral part of whatever success the other partner achieved, and entitled to more. So Audrey will receive from you, in addition to half your joint assets, payments that allow her to live in the same style that she's been accustomed to."

"So she stuck it out with me for 10 years so she could hit the jackpot," said Eugene.

"Well, she can point out that when you were married, both of you had nothing except student loans to pay off," said Portia, "But everyone who knew you in school felt you had a high probability for success."

They talked about legalities, options, timing and costs, and the hour was soon almost gone. "I haven't even had a chance to get your history," said Portia, "but if you like fish, you can come over tonight and we can work during dinner."

"Thanks," said Eugene, "but I know you like Indian, so I'm picking some up on the way over. And I know we're sort of friends, but I insist that you bill me for tonight."

"OK," said Portia, "but I won't bill you for the chewing and swallowing time, although we do have a computer program in the office that does that."

Dinner was a group therapy session. First, Eugene told Portia his life story. He broke down several times when he told her how he met and fell in love with Audrey and about their seemingly happy marriage. Now he was beginning to notice some tell-tale signs, such as her postponing starting a family, but he still couldn't understand how someone could pretend to love someone else for 10 years. And he blamed himself for not seeing through her.

Portia tried to comfort him. She told him about some of her unusual family law cases and said that she had handled more than a dozen cases where the wife not only didn't love the husband, but used him as a baby-making money machine. Once the kids were out of college, she quickly divorced the husband, who often had no clue that she had never loved him.

Then Portia told him her story, about how she found out that Jake had started cheating within a year after their marriage. Though she was tough as nails at work, she was afraid to face her personal failure and get her own divorce. She bitterly talked about some of the humiliation she put up with for years.

"You know, it was Audrey coming in to see me that finally pushed me to do what I should have done eight years ago," she said. She was thoughtful for a moment and took a deep breath.

"Eugene," she said, "I'm hesitating to tell you this, because it makes no difference to your legal situation. But I can't help thinking of you more as a good friend than a client, and I know that somehow or other you will find out, and then it will be another shock. I think hearing this from me here tonight will soften it a little bit. But you have to promise me you won't do anything rash if I tell you."

"What are you talking about, Portia?" he said. "It's something about me and Audrey, isn't it? I'll bet it's another man. I've been thinking there's got to be something else, unless Audrey is a sexless robot. But I don't care who he is at this point, and I'm not angry at him. I guess I'm curious, that's all. So I won't track him down and kill him, if that's what you're worried about."

"It's a little different than you think," said Portia. "Did you have any idea that Audrey was bisexual? The other man is really a woman, and her name would mean nothing to you, so I'm not even going to tell you. Audrey never talked to me or her other friends about her friend, but we found out and know all about them. They've been together at least eight or nine years."

"A woman," he wondered. "I was thinking back and could never remember Audrey flirting with another man. But I never would have guessed it was a woman, because of how she was with me in bed. Of course, now I realize that was just an act, but I still can't get over how good an act it was!"

"Does that upset you more than a man?" said Portia. "Are you homophobic?"

"No," he said. "It makes no difference who it was. Audrey's the one I'm angry at. Actually, I'm thinking she's not even bisexual. Since she didn't like sex with me and never sought out another man, she must be a lesbian. That means she was even a better actress than I thought."

"I never told anybody, but when we first met, Audrey came on to me," said Portia. "I think it was either before she knew her lady friend, or they weren't really together yet. She got me all red in the face at lunch one day when she was trying to seduce me and tell me it would make no difference to our husbands because she wasn't a man.

"I didn't know what to do, so I told her I was flattered, but I couldn't do that to Jake and you. I already knew Jake was running around, so I was really thinking of you, and I really felt sorry for you then. Afterward, I thought to myself that I should have told her I wasn't bisexual so there were no misunderstandings. But then I heard about her and her friend, and they've been monogamous as far as I can tell." Porta paused before continuing.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have used that word considering how she was deceiving you. Whenever Jake and I got together with Audrey and you, I enjoyed your company, but I always felt bad for you when we went home. There, that's all of the true confessions I can think of for tonight.

"Thank you, Portia," he said. "Despite the psychodrama, this has been a wonderful evening. I hope I haven't intruded on your private life. I feel that because of your friendship, I'm getting much more from my lawyer than I'm paying for."

She ignored his words, but he saw her wiping a tear from her eye. "Speaking of money," she said, "I want to wind this up quickly, because the more I drag it out, the more it will cost you. I think I have all the information I need for now. I'll call you if there are any questions, and when I'm ready to lay everything out for you, my secretary will schedule an appointment."

The call came two weeks later. The secretary said that Audrey was overbooked for the next week but didn't want to delay seeing him, and would it be all right if they met at her house for dinner the next night. He was not to bring anything, except a bottle of wine.

After the plates had been cleared, Portia put a large folder of papers in front of her. "This is it, and it's all ready to go whenever you want to file," she said. "I didn't date anything yet, and you can take your time going through everything. The news isn't good. There's no legal way she's not going to get half of everything, plus those healthy lifestyle payments for staying with you 10 years. I hope you can afford them.

"By the way, even though I think I've researched every possible legal way to change the settlement, I may have overlooked something, and I don't mind at all if you take all these papers to another lawyer for an opinion. I've done all the work for them, so they can get the picture quickly and shouldn't charge too much."

"I'm sure I don't need to do that," he said.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," she said. "I really wish I thought there was even a slight chance for another lawyer to find something I missed. I feel so bad for you."

"It's funny," he said. "Do you know what I picked up on when I was listening to you right now? I think you said it twice, something to the effect that there's no legal way to fight this. What popped into my mind was, is there an illegal way?"

She laughed. "Yes, I thought about that, too, when I was working on this," she said. "What could you do that might not be legal? The only thing I could think of was blackmail. Do you want to hear what I was fantasizing about?"

"I'd love to," he said.

"Well then, the consultation part of this evening is over, and we're moving to the living room. What I'm about to tell you has nothing to do with my profession, and I'm not advising you in any way. You're just going to listen to the sick ravings of a demented mind. Is that understood?"

They sat down facing each other. She looked at him and laughed again. "You are so innocent and naive," she said. "You would never be a good lawyer.

"I was thinking to myself, if you had something on her, you could use it against her. But what could it be? It couldn't be her cheating on you with her girlfriend, because this is a no-fault state, and she knows it. You could out her and maybe cause a little embarrassment, because it's obvious she keeps that part of her life private. But enough people already know about it and you couldn't do much damage. She probably knows that, too.

"That made me think of embarrassment. Since we both know her so well, we know that she is deathly afraid of any kind of humiliation. I'm sure she hasn't been able to hide that from you for 10 years. So if there was a way you could threaten her with exposing something that would embarrass her in front of the world, maybe you could get rid of the extra payment.

"That's where I got stuck in my blackmail scheme. I can't think of anything like that. In your 10 years together, can you think of anything she did that would make her vulnerable to humiliation or contempt if you exposed it?"

"No," he said. "I'm excited about your extra-legal idea, but you're right. She was so protective of herself. She would do strange things sometimes just to avoid the slightest chance she could be embarrassed. I'll think about it some more, but I doubt I'll come up with anything."

"Too bad," she said and laughed. "I guess I won't lose my license for helping you commit a crime after all."

After that, the talk turned to their personal lives. He still hadn't found anyone he wanted to date and confessed that he had been using call girls and feeling horrible about it. She told him to be careful about disease and said she felt sad about him being conflicted, but she also felt glad, because it confirmed what she felt about his character.

As for her, she had dates now and then, but she hadn't found someone she wanted to be serious with again, even though there had been some interest from a couple of men. When he left, she gave him a hug and kissed him on the cheek. He looked at her and saw her eyes were teary.

"Don't worry about me, Portia," he said. "I'll be all right. I'm still not ready to make a move, but now I know that once I can talk sense to myself, it will go fast because of all the work you've done."

That was the last time Eugene spoke to her for three weeks. He couldn't seem to drag himself out of the rut he was in. One morning at the office, he received a call from her, and she spoke fast in an excited voice. "I've got some interesting news for you," she said, "but I'm booked until about 9 tonight. Can you meet me then? I'll stay at the restaurant after my meeting and call you as soon as I'm free and you can come over. It's not far from your house."

When he sat down, he saw her eyes were blazing.

"The restaurant's almost empty, but it doesn't close for another hour," she said, "so we can have coffee and talk. You won't believe this.

"I've talked to Audrey five times in the last three days. At first, I wasn't going to tell you, but I decided I had to. So I told her how much I liked you, and I shouldn't even be talking to her because I was disgusted with her for what she did to you. She had no response other than shifting right back to what she was interested in. So I don't feel as guilty now since she knows how I feel. I'm still a bad girl, though." She giggled.