Postcards

"You tell him it is a FAA rule." I asked.

"Yep." She said. "Got called a couple of choice names by the guy."

We were 6th in line for takeoff so I told the First Officer I would take this. Normally the sight of the Uniform and some stern language settled down unruly passengers. It happened every few months. A annoyance -but not a problem.

As I exited the cockpit I was surprised to see the flushed faced Troy Kingston sitting in the 4th seat talking into his cell phone. He was yelling at some poor minion on the other end. What shocked me more was Troy's seat companion. It was my ex-wife, or what was left of my ex-wife Amy. She had more bling on her then Mr. T. ever did. Amy's hair was styled and dyed almost bleach blond white. Her once generous nose was gone replaced by a tiny button. Amy's ears no longer stuck out but had been cut back so far to be unnoticeable. However her lips were pouty, they puffed out like those on a trout. All the freckles were missing, her skin pulled so tight across her face, it reminded me of a taunt balloon ready to pop. But what stood out most was Amy's chest-it was HUGE! Amy was easily a double D now. She must have had 10 pounds of plastic in her new bolt-on fake rack! Well at least I knew where the money from our accounts went. "Good thing Amy did not waste it." I muttered to myself.

Getting my thoughts back together I launched into Professional Pilot mode. "MR. Kingston." I began standing over the seated Troy. "I must insist you turn off your cell phone immediately. It may interfere with the safety of this aircraft and endanger you and my passengers."

Troy noticed me for the first time. "Fuck off Flyboy. I paid my ticket. I am trying save a deal worth more than you and this shitty airline put together."

"Amy." I addressed her across the seat. "Can you please talk some sense into your traveling companion."

"Don't speak to her you penniless shitface." Troy slurred at me. "Just because you are driving this flying bus doesn't mean squat-so Fuck off." He went back to his conversation.

I looked at Amy but she just turned to stare out the window.

Sighing I walked back to the cockpit and picked up the mic. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry for the delay, but we will be returning to the terminal for a few moments. Please remain in your seats and we will continue with our flight as soon as possible. I appreciate your patience."

My First Officer was already pulling us out of the taxi lane back to our gate. He had notified Airport security and they were coming in force awaiting our arrival.

It was not a pleasant experience for Troy Kingston. Three no nonsense burly Metro Airport Police Officers followed by a Department of Homeland Security official boarded the aircraft. Troy was removed in handcuffs. The DHS officer told me Troy would be charged with interfering with a flight crew, endangerment of safety of an aircraft, plus a host of other charges. As the plane was on the runway these were all federal offences. The DHS official further explained Troy would spend the weekend in lock-up as Federal court is not in session on weekends. As a bonus he would be placed on the "Do Not Fly" List as a flight risk-automatically banned from any air travel for the next 90 days. (Good Luck getting off the "NO FLY" list). Icing on the cake is Troy was to be billed for fuel used to taxi the plane to/from the runway as well as gate time and other ground crew costs.

"Could not happen to a nicer guy." I thought as we taxied for take-off

++++++++

Jose, his wife Maria, and I were sitting at their kitchen table. Their middle daughter had just been accepted into medical school.

"She is so smart my daughter!" Jose was into a few drinks of celebrating. "She is going to be a brain rocket surgeon!"

I smiled but waved away his offer to refill my glass. Jose had a right to be proud. Seeing Jose with his wife Maria made me sad for a moment about Amy and I.

"Not like that worthless Amy." Maria said. "Captain, why do you not let me get you a nice Latina girl? Treat you right!"

I hid a grin. Maria had never lost her accent, and was always trying to play matchmaker. "Now Maria you know I am a little gun shy after my last encounter.."

"Ah.." Maria interrupted then rattled off something in machine gun Spanish to her husband Jose. "Captain you better off without that...wife. She no good."

"No Argument there." I replied.

Maria moved in closer to me. "Amy not know what she had. Old wife Amy all sad now, not happy now."

My ears pricked up. I thought I was over Amy for the most part. Resentment was like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. But hey everyone loves gossip-especially if it is about your ex-wife.

"Come on Maria what do you know?" I teased her. Maria with her small army of cleaners, domestics and helpers had an intelligence network both the CIA & Israeli Mossad would be jealous of.

"Well." Maria began. "My girls tell me Amy not do so good. No other wives like her. They afraid she try to steal their husband too. The other wives they call Amy the Lemon Tart. Amy throw many parties-other wives no come. Some Husbands come-but they look at Amy like dog look at meat. She no like, and Mr. Kingston get mad. No more parties."

I suppressed a laugh.

Maria continued. "Amy no nice to workers. They all call Amy Miss TOS-it mean TITS ON STICK."

Now I did laugh.

"My girls tell me Mr. Kingston needs blue pills to be with Amy. Girls say Amy has lots of toys in her nightstand-always using up many batteries-Even after Mr. Kingston with her. Mr. Kingston always short time in bedroom."

This was getting good, I was laughing out loud.

"Amy mad Mr. Kingston no marry her. He no give Amy much money-she complain a lot. Girls say Mr. Kingston no trust with Amy. He no want Amy to leave house. Mr. Kingston always checking Amy phone and how you say...interrogate Amy lots when he return from trips. One time Mr. Kingston hire private police to follow Amy. Amy find out and get much mad."

I poured myself a drink. "Well, Maria I guess what can you expect. No honor among thieves-or cheaters. Hope they enjoy looking over each other's shoulders all the time."

Marie continued-she was on a roll. "I always send oldest ladies to go to Mr. Kingston house. He bad man, always try to touch younger girls. Amy always blame girl. Complain to me girls being bad with her Mr. Kingston. I know not true, but I not say if Amy cannot satisfy Mr. Kingston why blame girls? No one want to go clean his house. He never tip workers."

"Enough talk of stupid old wife Amy." Jose said. "Captain you and me go golfing tomorrow. I won a round of Golf at Nine Rivers Country Club in the church raffle last week."

"You golf Jose?" I asked.

"Yes." Jose looked at Maria his wife. "When we come to America, Maria sees that all successful Americans play golf. So Maria gets me golf clubs at an estate sale and makes me take lessons. All the kids too. Damn wife won't ever let me rent a golf cart though."

Maria looked at her husband sternly. "We need save money for children college, not to waste on rent for electric toy. You no cripple, God gave you good legs-would be insult to God you not use legs he gave you."

Jose threw up his hands, but I could see a small hint of a smile on their faces. Jose reached for Maria's hand. I finished my drink, bid them both good night, then stood to leave.

+++++++++++++++++++

Jose brought his sons clubs for me to use. I had long ago sold mine in a fire sale to round up extra cash after the divorce. It was a great day, the first time I had been out not flying, working, cleaning or working on the house in a long time.

My good mood was broken as I stood outside the clubhouse. There on the wall was a big picture of Troy Kingston and Amy. Troy was a member of the board at Nine Rivers Country Club. The picture was touting some award or event they were at. Jose saw me staring at the large framed photo. He caught onto my sour disposition.

"Captain." Jose said pointing to the entrance. "You look over there and tell me if anyone is coming."

"What for?" I questioned.

"Shh." Jose replied. "Just keep a watch over there and be a lookout OK."

I stood my back to Jose, staring at the entrance feeling like a fool for several minutes.

Finally Jose said. "OK it is good- now we can go."

I turned around and let out a loud snort at seeing what Jose had done. Jose had taken a black thick marker and drawn a big handlebar mustache on Troy's photo along with buck teeth, devil horns, big glasses, even a crude vagina between his legs. Amy's likeness fared no better with a big nose, large ears, blacked out eyes, a smattering of moles, prominent nipples, serpent tail and a monster size dick resting on her lips.

"What are you twelve years old?" I exclaimed. But my mood had brightened with Jose's juvenile prank.

"Come on Captain. Let's go golf." Jose grinned at me, and we picked up our bags.

I was really having fun as we approached the 7th hole. A pair was in front of us on the green. An older man was putting. We kept quiet waiting for him to finish. Suddenly he dropped his putter grabbed his upper arm falling to the ground gasping. Jose and I dropped our bag of clubs sprinting up to the green.

A silver haired female about his same age was shaking the fallen man while she was trying to dial a cell phone. When Jose and I got to the man he was not breathing.

"Jose start mouth–to-mouth." I leaned over the man and started CPR compressions on his chest. "Call 911." I yelled at the silver haired lady standing next to us.

"I got no coverage!" She said in a panicky yell.

Jose whipped out his phone. "Damn Captain I got no bars either!"

I looked at my cell phone, it had the out of coverage symbol on it.

"Lady you are going to need to go for help." I yelled at the female.

"I can't leave my husband!" she cried.

"Leave now for an ambulance to help him live-or stay and watch him die!" I spat at her.

She turned running toward the clubhouse a visor falling off her silver hair.

Jose and I kept switching off –but after 10 minutes we were getting fatigued. I knew we could not last much longer. I was doing mouth-to-mouth when an electric golf car almost ran over my foot. I never heard the darn thing approach.

It was a girl driving the drink cart. She jumped out of the cart, turned and dumped the trays of drinks and cans onto the ground. She threw off the back cover of the cart and pulled out a small hard plastic case. Kneeling next to me she flipped open the case yanking out a portable defibrillator, like you would see in shopping malls and airports.

"Back off." She said pushing me aside while ripping open the guy's shirt exposing his chest. "You." She pointed at Jose. "Take the golf cart, go get some help."

Jose jumped into the cart, speeding off as fast as the little electric motor would take him. I slumped back as the drink cart girl put sensors from the kit on guy's chest. A computer voice from the kit was giving out rote instructions. I saw the girl press a large orange button marked SHOCK. The guy on the ground had his chest jump once then again, his eyes fluttered open. The girl felt his pulse, then turned toward me.

"He is breathing, but we got to get him real medical help now or he is toast." She turned back to the man on the ground.

I wiped a hand across my sweaty brow looking at the drink cart girl. She was a young shapely latin lady in her mid-twenties with long black hair tied back in a ponytail. Her name tag read NINE RIVERS COUNTRY CLUB-LOURDES. I started to say something when the roar of a diesel engine came out of the rough. A Ford F250 pick-up truck flew out of the edge of the rough up onto the green, stopping next to us. The truck had gardening tools hanging all over it. A magnetic sign RAUL and SONS LANDSCAPING stuck on the door.

Jose jumped out of the driver side. "Recognize your old truck Captain? The damn kiddie car golf cart battery died on me. I saw this beast and figured we had a better chance taking the guy directly to the hospital."

I motioned toward the guy on the ground. "Jose garb his feet, I'll get his chest." I turned toward the girl from the drink cart. "Lourdes I'm Kevin and this is Jose. Let's get this guy outta here."

We piled into the cab, Lourdes and the guy in front. I slid into the driver seat, while Jose was squeezed into the third seat behind the cab. I saw that everyone was belted in and gunned the engine. The Powerstroke diesel gave a loud roar. "Hold on! This is going to be rough."

I slammed the Truck into gear driving directly across the fairway.

Lourdes pointed at a trail. "Take that path over there. That will get us out to the front gate fastest."

"We are going to go off the beaten path a bit." I told Lourdes.

I had overflown this area a thousand times. With a pilots eye I knew the layout and terrain that would get us to the hospital fastest. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line and that was the route I was going to follow. It would save us 7-10 minutes. Minutes I knew we did not have to spare.

The Ford's tires tore up the turf as we flew across the fairway. Horn honking I sped thru a foursome on the back nine and dashed over a portion of a sand trap.

Lourdes was talking to the guy while Jose was holding on for life in the cramped space. We neared the outer edge of the course and its high chain link fence.

Lourdes gestured down to the south. "There is an old gate about a mile that way."

"We don't need NO stinking gate!" I growled in my best movie accent. "Grab onto something!"

I never let my foot off the accelerator as we plowed thru the fence. Ford Powerstroke vs. Made in China chain link metal. No contest--score one for the American Diesel power.

"Hey Captain, I got signal" Jose said holding up his phone as we fled down the road to the hospital pushing the speedometer toward three digits.

Lourdes grabbed the phone out of Jose hands. She punched some numbers. Lourdes must have reached the hospital as she stated giving medical terms that sounded like V-tak, pulse rhythm-all greek to me. Lourdes snapped the phone shut.

I gave her a grin as I said "Not bad for a drink cart girl." The tires squealed as we fishtailed turning into the hospital entry.

Lourdes looked at me hard. "I am a NURSE you Dumb Ass!"

"Oh." Was all I managed to get out, as we skid to a stop in the ER entrance where a medical team was waiting.

++++++++

Jose and I were local heroes at the airport for about a week after that. However no good deed goes unpunished. That is about the amount of time before I received a registered letter from Nine Rivers County Club. It contained a detailed bill for damage my little joy ride had caused to the golf course. The repairs total came to $247,88 dollars and 12 cents. The letter demanded prompt payment (Cash or bank check was acceptable) otherwise the matter would be turned over to their legal team. I had a good laugh, crumpled up the letter into a wad-jump shooting it into the trash basket. "Can't get Blood out of a Turnip." I thought to myself.

I never did find out who the guy was-or if he ever recovered. He must have been some big shot, because as soon as he was stabilized a medevac chopper whisked him to an awaiting Air Ambulance plane for a flight out.

I tried to get ahold of Lourdes. An operator at Nine Rivers Country Club curtly told me Lourdes was no longer in the employ of Nine Rivers. I made inquiries on my own for about a week before I asked Jose's wife Maria for assistance. It took about fifteen minutes for Maria's female Latina network to get chapter and verse on Lourdes -from phone number/address to shoe size.

Maria started talking about Lourdes like she was giving a debriefing. Lourdes was 26 years old, the only daughter of an Immigrant Handyman-day labor father who Lourdes had cared for before he passed. Her mother had died when Lourdes was a child. She had never been married, had just completed a nursing degree but not taken the RN board exam and worked the 3PM to 11PM shift at Mercy nursing home. Lourdes rented a room, was not seeing anyone and liked vanilla ice cream with sprinkles.

"That's it?" I teased Maria after she finished. "No birthmarks, known wants or warrants?"

Maria looked at me with a smug smile. "Lourdes is good girl. Goes to mass every Sunday at Saint Paul. You want I get you together?" She fished in a pocket for her cell phone.

"No No Maria." I jumped in. "Thank you for Lourdes phone number and address. I think I can take it from here."

I heard Maria laugh as I walked out of her house.

++++++++

Lourdes was waiting on the steps of a house when I walked up with flowers in my hand the next day.

Lourdes saw the look of surprise on my face. She smiled. "What took you so long Kevin?"

"How.. how ..did you know I was coming." I stammered.

"Latina female network works both ways Kevin." Lourdes laughed. She stood up taking my flowers then turning to walk up the stairs. "You never had a chance. Stay there while I go put these in some water."

Lourdes was a delight to be with. She told me how she had juggled school her job at the nursing home, school and until recently the drink cart job at Nine River Country Club.

"Kevin." Lourdes started. "I had and still have a lot of debt from school loans and tuition fees. My nursing home job covers the rent and day to day living expenses. I was making good tip money at that drink cart job. It was helping me pay off my debts and put money toward a prep course for my RN board and the RN board exam plus testing fees."

Lourdes what happen to the drink cart job at Nine Rivers?" I asked.

Lourdes wrinkled her nose before answering. "After our little monster truck rally ride the Board of Directors at Nine Rivers fired me. Claimed I left the Country Club grounds without clocking out. I know it was that board member prick Troy Kingston. He has been after me to sleep with him since I started work there. What a crotch hound, he's worked his way thru a bunch of the girl on staff at Nine Rivers. Right now that Kingston guy is screwing the receptionist every Wednesday afternoon on her lunch break." Lourdes shook as if cold. "Makes me shiver just thinking about that creepy slimeball touching me. What a snake."

I was not surprised to find Lourdes knew about my marriage situation and condition. The Latin Female network had generated a lot of gossip. Most of it exaggerated and wrong I found out.

"You know Kevin." Lourdes said. "Most of the grapevine say your wife left you to trade up. A minority says she bailed because you were gay."

I suppressed a laugh. "Where did the gay part come from?"

"Well.." Lourdes looked a little embarrassed talking. "..some of the girls from the cleaning crews had more than a passing interest in helping you get over your grief. The skirt hemlines got higher and the blouse cleavage got deeper. You never took notice or acted on it, so they figured you must be gay."

Now I did laugh. "Oh you must be talking about Anita and Orlando! NO way I could not notice those two hot latin babes, and their attempts to "raise" my spirits." I slapped my knee. "Lourdes you can thank the two ladies for their efforts, but I have a very strong adherence to the policy of.. how do I put this in plain english -I do not eat where I shit."

Lourdes chuckled. "OK I'm glad that's out of the way. I take it from your tone your former wife had no such policy about eating on the job?"

"Lourdes to put it bluntly-my Ex-wife Amy can eat shit."

++++++

I wanted to see more of Lourdes. She gave me a passionate kiss when I left her on the doorstep.

"Kevin I am not a prude, but I am not some easy lay either." Lourdes said. "Can we get together tomorrow?"

"Lourdes I'm working on the house tomorrow. I am having trouble hanging a door." I replied.