Puppy Love Ch. 05

Dear Readers,

Finally finished the last chapter of Emma's story. Hope you like it! Don't forget to vote :)

~~~~~~~~

George kept me company that night while I sat and felt sorry for myself. I didn't know what else to do. We had something really good, and I had thought that I trusted him, but I had sabotaged myself.

If I couldn't let myself trust in someone who had treated me as well as David, how was I supposed to get over my insecurities? I felt like damaged goods. I considered looking into therapy. Maybe it would help with the next relationship.

But I didn't want a "next relationship." I only wanted him.

I threw myself into work the next day, grateful for the distractions of a packed schedule. For once, I wasn't pissed at Brad for over-booking our day. I thought that I was hiding my foul mood pretty well.

"I've got the next one ready. Doing pretty well on allergy shots and Zyrtec, so it will be a quick one."

"I'm not ready yet," Brad responded, typing furiously. That discharge statement was sure to be rife with typos and probably have the wrong dog's name in there somewhere. "Okay, Jess, it's printed," he said, sitting back in his chair. "What, Emma, no comment that I wouldn't be a half hour behind if I hadn't removed the mass on that basset instead of making them come back Thursday?"

"Forty minutes, actually." I smiled as I handed him the chart for the next one.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I followed him as we walked towards the front.

"No, you're not. You're quiet and well-behaved."

I pushed him towards the door to the hallway where the exam rooms were. "We don't have time for this. I promise I'll be a pain in the ass later."

He shot me a look before going in to see the patient.

As we finished up at the end of the day, he asked me again what was wrong, asking if it involved David.

I told him and Jess about how I overreacted the night before. "I screwed everything up. I'm a distrustful bitch."

"I guess you could have handled that differently."

I rolled my eyes up at Brad. "You think?"

"Does he know why you and Kevin split up?" he asked. I nodded.

Jess joined the conversation. "It's obvious that you hurt his feelings, but I think after he cools off he will probably be able to see things from your side, too."

"I don't know. He was really angry. I never saw him like that before. If it were me, I'd find someone with less baggage," I sighed.

"I think you should give him a couple of days and give him a call," Brad suggested.

"If you feel like what you had was special, you shouldn't let it go without a fight. But don't go sending flowers and blowing up his phone with texts. I've found they don't respond well to that." Jess smiled at me encouragingly.

"Thanks for the advice," I laughed.

***

I lost sleep agonizing over what I would say when I mustered up the courage to call him. I was afraid that he wouldn't answer, and I was afraid that if he did answer, I might not want to hear what he had to say. Then I thought, what if he was waiting for me to call and apologize? I'd never stop wondering "what if" if I didn't try.

Thursday night, I couldn't stand it anymore and I called him. I wasn't really surprised that it went to voicemail.

"Hi, it's me. I'll try to keep this short," I muttered, more to myself than to him. "I know you didn't deserve my reaction and I know I messed up. I really miss you, but I understand if you don't want to talk to me. I -" I had to pause and take a breath. I was struggling not to sound crazy and overbearing. "I love you, too, David. I hope this isn't over." I pressed END before I really started rambling and dug a deeper ditch between us.

Now it was up to him.

I promised myself that if I didn't hear back from him, I wasn't going to bother him anymore.

***

I break promises to myself all the time.

I couldn't stop thinking about him and it was making me feel fucking insane.

It was late Saturday morning, and I was going stir-crazy in my house. It was very sunny and the temperature was mild for an early-November day. This weather was making me nuts! I pulled a hoodie over my t-shirt, loaded George into the car, and drove him to the park that David and I had visited so often. As we walked, I couldn't keep my brain from replaying the last time I saw him. His dripping hair plastered to his head, and the anger on his face. The hurt in his voice when he said that he loved me. And the coldness when he turned and left.

George and I made several liesurely laps around the lake before heading back to the car. I ran into a friend I hadn't spoken to in a while, and was thankful for the cheerful distraction. We played catch-up while our dogs tangled their leashes. When we were joined by her boyfriend, I reluctantly let her get back to her afternoon plans and got into my car.

My thoughts turned back to David. I thought of the last time we had made love, and I missed his scent, and his touch. I thought of when we had cooked dinner together at his house the evening that we spent our first night together. I laughed out loud, remembering when he burst into his bathroom to rescue me from the tick, and how he had hesitated before touching my bra, probably wondering if I was going to regain my senses and smack him since we barely knew each other at the time.

Suddenly, I realized that while I was daydreaming, I had slipped into autopilot. I was around the corner from David's house; he and I had met at the park on numerous occasions before going back to his house.

I made a right turn onto his street and pulled over, reminding myself that I had promised I would let it be. He knew how I felt and it was up to him to decide what would happen next. If anything was going to happen. I peered down the road and could see his car parked in his driveway.

George made a small groaning sound, and it was like he knew we were on the way to Reggie's house and was anxious to keep going.

"I know, I want to go, too. I can't stop thinking about him. I don't know what to do."

We were so close. How could I turn back? George yipped, urging me on.

So, I made a liar out of myself and found myself parking in front of his house.

He would have called me if he wanted to see me. What was I doing? But my body wouldn't stop propelling itself toward him. George trotted up the driveway like he knew he was home. The living room window was cracked to let some fresh air in, and I could hear that he was playing his acoustic guitar. As I slowly stepped nearer, I could make out the words he was singing.

"When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone, but it goes to waste Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you."

Reggie appeared in the window and gave a short bark, wagging his nubbin tail. He was always getting yelled at for jumping up onto the window sill.

David looked up and made eye contact. He sang to me.

"And high up above or down below When you're too in love to let it go But if you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you."

Averting my eyes, I wiped at the tears that had run down my cheeks. That was my favorite Coldplay song, and it always made me a little choked up to hear it. I had never heard it quite like that before. When I looked up, David's guitar was on the couch. The front door opened, and Reggie shot out between his feet to greet George.

I stood there for a few moments watching the dogs play, laughing because they were so happy to be reunited.

"Are you going to come in?"

I felt like my heart was in my throat, trying to pound its way out. I went inside, and the boys followed. I unclipped George's leash while David closed the front door.

"Is it okay that I'm here?" I asked, feeling foolish. I made myself look at him, and when our eyes met, he closed the gap between us and grabbed my face, pressing his lips to mine. Not what I was expecting. When he pulled back, I felt breathless.

"I'm sorry I hadn't called you back yet. I'm so glad you're here."

I felt tears springing up again and cursed at myself in my head for being so emotional. I thought I must be premenstrual to be such a wreck. I hugged him, burying my face in his chest, both because I had missed him so much, and to hide my sprouting tears.

"You smell wonderful," I said, my words muffled by his clothing. I felt his face burrow into my hair.

"I missed you, too, Emma."

Feeling I had regained my composure, I looked up into his bright blue eyes. "Are we going to be alright, then? I know that I overreacted, and I'm going to work on this."

"I overreacted, too. I was really hurt that you assumed the worst, but it was just a misunderstanding. I love you."

"Show me," I smiled teasingly. I felt his large, warm hand at the back of my neck; the other had been at my hip, but was sliding lower as his eyes darkened with lust. Suddenly, my heart was thudding in my chest. I wanted him so desperately.

His lips crashed into mine, and he stepped forward, pushing me back into the wall. His warm, hard body pressed against me. I moaned into his mouth and nipped at his bottom lip. Searching, his hands unzipped my sweatshirt and found their way under my top, massaging me through my bra. My fingers were tangled in his hair, gripping tightly, afraid to let go.

An hour ago, I thought I'd never touch him again.

He broke our kiss when there was a sudden knock on the door.

"Were you expecting someone?" I whispered.

"No. Maybe they'll go away," he murmured, bringing his face back to mine. He pulled away again as the doorknob turned, and when the intruder peered around the door he took a step back and turned to face her, running a hand nervously through his hair. He looked like he was seeing a ghost.

I looked from her pretty face, framed by a mass of auburn curls, to his wide-eyed stare, his mouth slightly open as though there was something he wanted to say but he couldn't find the words.

Finally, he spoke her name. "Maggie."

A smile I recognized from a photo broke across her face. "I wanted to surprise you, so your mom gave me your new address. I saw your car out front, so I figured I'd try the handle." Her gaze swept over to me, and I saw her smile falter briefly. "Hello."

"This is Emma," David said, snapping out of his shocked trance and remembering that I was there. He reached out to put an arm at the small of my back, urging me away from the wall.

I placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm gonna go," I said softly.

"You don't have to -"

"Call me later. If you want," I added quickly. "George?" I called, jingling his leash. After he was attached, I turned to Maggie before heading out the door. "Nice to meet you," I smiled politely. She nodded, and I made eye contact with David before I left, smiling and mouthing the words, "love you." He gave me a small, uncertain smile.

As I descended the porch stairs, I wondered if he felt conflicted because he didn't want me to go... Or if he felt guilty because seeing her was dredging up amorous feelings. After all, it had been their differing opinions on starting a family that had led to their divorce. He may still love her; she may still love him. As I climbed into my car, I began to wonder if he'd still be with her if she had wanted to have kids.

I loved him. I didn't want to lose him. But I was realizing the wisdom in the old saying, "If you love something, set it free." I needed to let him come back to me. I thought that he would, though a pained part of me feared he wouldn't.

And as much as I hated to admit it, I was better off without him if he didn't come back. Better to know now, than be 10 years into the relationship.

After I found out that my ex-husband had cheated on me, it was easy to let the love I had, go. I was angry, but I was also free to see all the ways I'd be better off without him. All the flaws I had tolerated in the name of love became glaringly evident, and I wondered why I'd put up with it for so long. I hoped that a similar thing had happened for David. I thought back to the conversations we'd had about our past relationships, and he had indicated that there had been problems before Maggie made clear to him that she didn't want children.

I wasn't going to over-react this time. I told myself that I needed to have faith in the strength of what we shared. And that if for some reason, things didn't work out... well, I'd cross that bridge if I came to it, instead of throwing myself over the side.

***

That evening, I sat on my couch in a tee shirt and sweat pants, watching Knocked Up for the fifteenth or sixteenth time because I love Seth Rogen. I was idly feeding pieces of half of my grilled cheese sandwich to a very happy George because my stomach was bothering me. I felt crampy, and as I watched Katherine Heigl struggle with the realization that she was expecting, I dropped the rest of the sandwich.

I realized that I had been feeling like my period was coming for at least the past week, but nothing had happened. I leaped off the couch to grab my purse and dumped it on the coffee table, rummaging around like a madwoman until I found my packet of birth control pills. I had been so discombobulated all week that I had forgotten to take my pills, so I hadn't realized that this was the week of white pills, when I was due to have my cycle.

On my television, Allison ran through the store with Debbie, frantically searching for pregnancy tests, and they dumped a bunch in the basket. My heart was pounding and I felt like that scene was about to play out in real life as I shoved my feet into my sneakers and flew out the door with my wallet and my keys, not even bothering to put all my stuff back in my purse.

I was failing miserably at remaining calm. I took a few deep, shuddering breaths and backed out of my driveway. As I started down the street on my way to the grocery store, I thought to myself that I should call my sister.

"Shit! George has my phone!" I cursed, pausing at a stop sign. "Well, that just sounds ridiculous," I muttered.

It occurred to me that it was probably best that I didn't speak with my sister at that exact moment anyway. I needed to concentrate on my driving, and I needed to make sure that I even had anything to worry about before I turned into a sputtering moron.

But I knew, as I parked my car and climbed out, realizing I probably looked like a homeless person, that I had something to worry about. Someone to worry about. I slammed my car door, then wrenched it open when I saw my wallet in the center console, cursing at myself to stop being such a wreck and focus on the task at hand.

I started towards the store and could see my reflection in the glass. My hair was falling out of its ponytail, I had crazy-lady eyes, and my shirt was a bit too big so I could see my left bra strap sticking out. I knew without looking down that my comfy pants had a couple of holes. I realized it had gotten pretty cold and hoped that wouldn't show through the cups of my bra. I laughed out loud at myself, and felt a little less on edge. I spoke quietly to myself. "You're going to go in there, get a test, and we'll see what's what. There's no sense in freaking out if you don't even know for sure. Then when you know for sure, you can call your sister and everything will be fine."

***

I sat on the lid of the toilet seat, my right knee bouncing nervously while I stared at the clock on my phone. I wouldn't let myself stare at the test; I wasn't going to look until time was up. My mind raced, thinking of the night things had gotten hot and heavy and we realized in the midst of things that we had run out of condoms. I had told David that I was on the pill, and it was fine with me if it was fine with him that we forego the latex protection.

Sure, there were times throughout the years that I forgot a day or two, and took the pills when I remembered. It had never been an issue when I was with my ex. It might have happened in the past few weeks, now that I thought about it. Perhaps this time, the timing had been just right.

I glared at my phone as the minute changed: 8:03. It was time. I was scared.

As I turned my head to where the white stick rested on the edge of the sink, my eyes involuntarily closed. Forcing them open, I read the word on the idiot-proof test: Pregnant.

Okay. Breathe.

I texted my sister. "Can you meet me at the IHOP? Need to talk." I thought being in public would force me to keep my shit together.

"Joe is home so I can come out. Be there in 20."

In my shocked state, I calmly found my coat, took George out for a few minutes, then drove to the diner. I arrived a few minutes before Lizzie, so I ordered us tea and was looking through the menu when she slid into the booth.

When I had spied the pictures of food on the menu, my stomach had started growling and I suddenly felt ravenous. I ordered one of those breakfasts that you order when you can't choose, that comes with eggs, hashbrowns, pancakes, and every kind of breakfast meat. Lizzie ordered a piece of pie, and when the waitress stepped away, she leveled her gaze on me.

I felt her staring, and pretended to be busy with sugar packets.

"Woman, what gives?"

My mouth seemed to be stuck shut, so I put a few drops of milk in my tea and stirred it, gazing into its steamy depths. I was good at reaching out to people when I needed help. Not so good at opening up once I had grabbed their attention.

"Okay, so we're playing this game. Look at me, sis." I obeyed. "This involves David." I nodded. "Did he not call you?"

"I saw him today." I smiled, recalling the way he kissed me after he had closed the door. "He said everything was okay, and we kissed. Then there was a knock, and his ex just let herself into his house because the door was unlocked. His bitch of a mother had given her his new address so she could 'stop by and surprise him.'" I recanted that last bit with a snide tone. I continued my tale. "I told him I'd go because I didn't much feel like hanging around for that reunion. And with all that's happened, I thought it best if I acted like an adult and gave him some space."

"Sounds reasonable and un-Emma-like."

I stuck my tongue out at her.

"So what's the big issue, then?"

Deep breath, here we go. "I found out tonight that I'm..." I couldn't say it. I found myself looking for courage in my teacup again. I wished it was a tumbler of vodka.

"No," she gasped.

"Don't ask me how, we all know how these things happen," I snapped. "The point is: a, we've only known each other since the summer, and b, how do I know he doesn't want his ex back? All I can think is, what if she's got this all out of her system and she's come back to tell him she wants to have a family?" I paused, my mouth working. "What would that mean for my family?" I asked quietly, my voice cracking with emotion, the fiery energy of a moment before gone from my words.

The warm liquid before me held no answers. I felt Lizzie's hand cover my own, and looked up at my older sister.

"There is only one question right now. Do you want this baby?"

"Of course I want this baby," I whispered.

"Then everything is going to be fine. David will stay with you, or he won't. But he's a good man, and either way, he will raise this child with you. So as much as it hurts to think of being without him, the important thing is that you've made something so special, and you'll always have that. This baby will be more important than any other thing in your life, and when you become a mother, you realize that nothing else matters. Everything will be fine as long as you have your baby."