Push Me Ch. 04

"This, too, shall pass."

So why couldn't I let it pass? Maybe it was just an extraordinary streak of social awkwardness and mixed signals. Was I, after one or two rough incidents, now just a social self-fulfilling prophecy? Did I hold myself back just because I expected someone to snap the velvet rope in place right in front of me every time? Was that, "Oh, it's you," I heard every time someone greeted me all in my head?

I hate being flushed with questions while totally spartan in the answer department. With a computer system I would just dig in, follow the code, and see where it took me. Life would be much easier if one could do that to one's self. The geek of today could be the psychotherapist of tomorrow. "Oh, here's your problem, for some reason, bananas make you think of violence. They should make you think of nourishment, and penises."

It dawned on me that I hated being alone, yet did almost everything I could to be alone. I self-flagellated with my loneliness, convinced that, either I deserved it for some reason, or that it was thrust upon me, and acceptance was my only choice. To run from destiny is to run toward destiny. I felt sorry for the people upon whom I inflicted myself, telling myself I was a necessary evil for the task at hand, and accepting that, once I was gone, they could get back to their much happier, me-free, lives.

Would it be the same with Shelly?

With Moira?

Thinking about Moira casting me off completely drained me. I crumpled to the floor right where I was standing as my brain shut down the engines to divert power to the shields. I wept into my hands, already feeling the horror of that day, terrified that it would far too soon.

Desperate to get away from that sense of being completely alone, I grabbed my phone and called Moira.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

"What's up? You sound like something's wrong."

"I'm feeling better already. I really needed to hear your voice."

"Are you sure you're OK?"

"No. Moira, I ... I've been completely alone for a long time. Going from that to three days with you, and then back again ... it hit me hard. I don't want you change your life for me. It's not remotely fair for me even to hint at it, but I spent half the day looking around for you. It's been twenty-four hours, and I'm sick with how much I miss you. I can't decide if I'd rather feel guilty for asking you to spend time with me, or just sit here in the dark, waiting for you to ... I dunno, give me the thumbs up, I guess."

Moira was silent for a moment, and I felt like a jerk for even saying anything. "I'm sorry, Moira. I'll..."

"Hush," Moira said, cutting me off. I took a deep breath to brace for impact. "Craig," she continued, "I've been thinking about you all day. No one has ever made me feel the way you do. I know that anything you say or do, you do it because you love me. If you want me there, tell me. If I can't be there, I'll tell you, but I'll always WANT to be there. I can promise you that."

I broke down. "Oh God, Moira. I'm so scared. I need you so much. I don't fully know what I'm doing with my life right now, but I know I need you in it. You're the difference between surviving and living. I love you so much." I took a ragged breath.

"Craig, I love you, too. I've got to finish something real quick, then I'm coming over, OK?"

"Please don't ask. Just get here."

I could hear her smile through the phone. "OK. Twenty minutes. Remember, I love you, and I can't wait to see you."

"I love you, too. I'll see you soon." She ended the call, and I collapsed on the floor, totally drained.

I forced myself not to look at a clock waiting for Moira. I accomplished this by staring blankly at one spot on the floor while trying to keep my heart from pounding. When I heard the knock, I thought for a second that it came from my chest. I leaped up and ran to the door. I threw it open, flung my arms around Moira, and swung her inside. I kicked the door closed and kissed her as I pulled her against me. She smiled, and then gasped as our lips met. She slid her arms around me and squeezed. I kissed her slowly for several minutes, not willing to be any further from her, soaking in her calming presence.

"I feel much better now," I said, when I finally felt like I could speak. I rested my forehead against hers.

"Good," Moira replied, smiling up at me.

"I'm sorry I kinda lost my shit there."

"It's OK. I'm glad you called. I really missed you too," Moira told me. "Do you need to talk about something? C'mon, let's sit down." We went to the nearest couch and sat facing each other. She took my hands in hers. "So, tell me what brought this on."

I sat quietly for a second. "It was dark," I told her.

"What?"

"It was so dark in here. All I could think about was how dark and sad my life was before I met you, how purposeless it was. I stayed in the dark so people couldn't see me. I didn't want them to see me, because I thought they didn't want to see me, and I had no right to impose myself on them.. Then, after three amazing days with you, full of light, it was dark again. I don't want to go back to the dark, Moira, not again, not anymore." I was pleading by the end, and barely holding it together.

Moira pulled me to her and held my head against her chest. I broke down. Pain poured from me. Every sneer of rejection, every Monday morning spent listening to people's shared tales of weekend adventures, every time I sat in a movie or restaurant by myself, sometimes by my choice, sometimes by someone else's, the anguish of feeling like the perpetual outcast gushed from me. I crushed Moira against me, trying to fill the emptiness with her. She stroked my back and shoulders as I cried.

It felt like an eternity. I guess thirty years of hurt takes some time to work through.

I finally regained enough control to sit back and take a few deep breaths. There were tears on Moira's face. "Oh, Moira, I'm so sorry. Please don't cry." I wiped a tear from her cheek. She put her hand on mine and smiled at me.

"If you're done, then I'm done. Seeing you hurt like that was really hard, but I'm glad I was here for it. Knowing that you could just totally let go like that with me, it makes me feel ... special. I hope you feel better now." I clutched her against me and buried my face in her hair.

"You're amazing." I mumbled into her thick, black curls. She cooed contently and snuggled into my chest. "And, yes, I do. I guess I've needed that for a long time. Having you here made it ... survivable." We held each other quietly for several minutes. Her warmth and her scent washed over me, coaxing the pain away. As the darkness faded, I felt the energy from Moira that I craved. My hands went from holding the woman I love, to caressing my lover. I dragged my fingertips slowly down her back, pulling her against me as I did. Moira sucked in a breath, and her hands gripped my shirt. I stood up, pulling her with me, scooped her into my arms, and carried her into the bedroom.

She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled her face to mine. She smiling lovingly at me, and then kissed me. Our lips met gently, and the last of my pain fled. I stood Moira beside the bed and quickly disrobed her, kissing her lightly as I peeled away her clothing. I eased her onto the bed, and then shrugged off my own clothes. Moira held out her arms to me. I crawled in between them and kissed her tenderly. I rolled onto my back, pulling her with me. Feeling her on top of me brought me a luxurious peace. She was my security blanket. No matter how much I hurt, holding her against me dispelled the pain.

We made love slowly, without a word, our arms and legs intertwined as we brought each other a serene peace, our names on each others lips as we climaxed.

As we drifted back to earth, I felt a warm tear slide down my chest. I tilted Moira's face up to mine, my chest tightening with concern. My dismay evaporated under the blazing light of the beatific smile she wore. I smiled back, feeling the tears pool in my own eyes as I pulled Moira tighter against me. She kissed my chest several times.

"I never thought it could be like this," she said.

"Me neither, but I believe it now, and I'll never doubt again. I love you, Moira."

"I love you too, Craig."

Exhausted, we slept.

I've never slept so well. My normally restless, broken sleep pattern was filled with long-needed relief. Even my alarm couldn't destroy it, waking up only allowed me to bask in it. Moira shifted in my arms and sighed contently, and then her eyes shot open.

"We slept all night?" she asked.

"Yup."

She smiled broadly. "Good. How are you feeling?"

"Invincible, thanks to you." I kissed her lovingly, and she giggled into my mouth, until my tongue caressed her lips. The giggled transformed into a moan as my hand cupped her butt and pulled her against me.

Moira pulled back after a moment and said, "If you start this, you're going to be late to work. I don't want you to get in trouble." I held up a finger, and plucked my phone from the table beside my bed. I sent a quick e-mail to my manager and the three team leads that reported to me.

"There, now I'm working from home today," I told her.

She pounced. Straddling my waist, her hands roamed my chest while she kissed me wildly. I gripped her perfectly round ass with both hands and pressed her against me. Repeated "mmm"s poured from our mouths. Moira sat back and fixed me with a lustful stare. She reached behind her and grasped my morning-hard erection. Her eyes widened as he fingers encircled me, slowly rising and falling up my shaft. "It's so hard," she marveled.

"Morning wood has it's advantages," I said.She swung her leg over me.

"There's something you need to do," she informed me. She got on her hands and knees beside me, and then leaned down to kiss me. "You need to take me, and make me scream." Her ass was a signal flag, titling slowly side-to-side. I slid a hand down her taut stomach to her warm mound, and cupped it firmly as she brought her lips back to mine. She gasped, and then thrust her tongue into my mouth. I stroked her lips as my tongue wrestled with hers. I jerked when her thumb rubbed the sensitive underside of the head of my cock. I kissed my way down her throat and chest to her breasts, and sucked a nipple into my mouth. Her grip tightened on my shaft as I swirled my tongue around her puckered nipple.

Her engorged lips were protruding and soaked. I dipped a finger into her as I moved to the other nipple. She undulated against my hand, gasping for breath and pulling my hard shaft towards her.

"Now. Please."

I knelt behind her and slid the head of my cock up and down her swollen lips. She pressed back against me, trying to capture me inside her. I gripped her hips and sunk into her with one push, not too slow, not too fast. Moira sucked in a deep breath and let it out raggedly as I filled her. I fucked her slowly with my full length, relishing the feel of her sweet ass pressed against my hips. She whimpered with every stroke, and was quickly urging me on.

"Faster, harder," she told me. I squeezed her hips tighter as I began to pound into her, the fleshy slap of our bodies meeting spurring me on. "Yes, yes," she groaned as my shaft stretched her, my balls banging against her clit. She held herself mostly still as I penetrated her repeatedly, whimpering and moaning with every thrust. I pulled mostly out of her, and then slapped her flawless ass, hard.

"AHH ooohh FUCK yes!" she screamed, slamming her hips back against mine. I fucked her deeply for a moment, and then did it again.

"Harder!" she yelled. I delivered two more slaps to the other cheek. "Now, fuck me!" I reached up and buried my hand in her hair. I gripped a handful at the base near her scalp before I began thrusting firmly into her. "Yes yes yes!" she screamed as I repeatedly buried myself into her as forcefully and quickly as I could. Her hot, wet center gripped me as I pummeled her. She threw back her head with a wordless roar, her pussy clamped down on me, and she came.

I released her hair, grabbed her by the hips, thrust myself into her depths, and yelled, "Moira!" as I exploded.

We both collapsed, and I pulled Moira against me, spooning up behind her. When she caught her breath, she asked, "How did you know spanking me would drive me wild like that? I didn't know that."

"Well, I didn't know, but I thought I would try it out and see how you liked it. The same goes for the hair pulling."

"The hair pulling was OK, didn't do much for me, but slapping my ass ... ay, Dios mio. It was like my whole body was on fire," she said with a shiver.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it. I certainly can't get enough reasons to put my hands on your butt. I'm looking forward to figuring out other things that drive you wild."

"Well, morning-wood doggy-style is definitely high on the list."

I chuckled. "I think I can handle waking up like that." I held her quietly for a few moments. In my quiet repose, something occurred to me, a small thing that was missing from my life, a set of memories that comprised most of the cherished ones I had from my childhood.

"Hey, Moira. Wanna help me pick out a kitten?" She flipped over at my non sequitur with a confused expression, which quickly flipped into an eager grin.

"Really?! I love cats. We always had several, but I can't have any in the apartment."

"So, you're in?"

"Of course!" She hopped out of bed and fetched her bag from the living room. I hadn't even noticed it last night. She insisted we take separate showers to ensure expediency. After, we went for breakfast, and then to a no-kill shelter a few miles outside of town. Jennifer, a woman I knew from work, had taken a kitten to this shelter a few years ago when it showed up sick outside her apartment and she couldn't take care of it. I figured this place probably got way more deposits than withdraws, so I wanted to balance the scale as much as I could.

The shelter was basically a farm. The main house was the administration area, as well as living area for the few employees and the owner. Several support buildings were dedicated to smaller animals -- cats in one, smaller dogs in another. Larger dogs had dog houses and chain-link fence runs in an expansive meadow.

Michael, an older man who worked there, lead us to the (ha!) cat house. The kittens had a large, open room to themselves, and piles of slowly pulsating fur littered the floor. Dozens of pointy ears swiveled toward us as we entered the room. Moira was wearing the same silver medallion sandals she had the night we met, and a fluffy calico immediately pounced on the glittering metal. He was in turn attacked by a sleek, black female, and the two proceeded to chase each other around the room, sending Moira into a fit of giggles.

I wandered around, scratching a few furry heads and chins, and taking some needle-sharp claws and teeth to the hand. When I looked back at Moira, she had four kittens circling her feet like adorable sharks on the hunt. She reached down to pick up a small white boy, his ears and tail tipped with a smoky gray. She brought him to her face, and his jade eyes flashed as he thrust his head forward, butting it into hers. I could hear him purring from across the room.

"I think that's the one," I said. "How about you?"

She rubbed her face against his, and he licked her nose. She clutched him to her chest, smiling at me. "I think we have a winner."

I filled out some paperwork, confirming that I owned my residence, and I didn't need anyone's permission to have a pet. I also signed a contract stating that the shelter would take the cat to a vet to have him neutered and receive his shots, and that I could pick him up there in two days.

"Can we use the vet where I work?" Moira asked.

"That shouldn't be a problem," Michael replied

Moira was a little dejected about the two day wait, but Michael let her spend some more time with the kitten before we left, and she understood the reasons. I agreed that it sucked.

When we got back to the car, Moira asked me, "Have you talked to Shelly?"

"Yeah, we traded a few texts. We're fine."

"Good. Because I really want to tell her!" she bubbled, bouncing in her seat and fishing in her purse for her phone.

I chuckled as I started the car. "Go right ahead." They exchanged texts as I drove back to town. Moira had class in the afternoon, so I dropped her off at her apartment and made a cat supply run - food, food bowl, litter box and litter, some toys, including a laser pointer, which is the ultimate cat toy, a bed, cat carrier, and a cat water fountain. When I was young, we had a cat that loved to drink from the kitchen sink faucet. After a little research, we discovered cats prefer flowing water to stationary. Ever since, I tried to make sure any cats we had had access to running water.

I didn't see Moira again until we went to pick up the cat from the vet. Her Business Management professor gave her class a research project the same day we picked him out, and he wanted weekly progress reports every Monday. Rather than spend her weekend working on the first piece, she busted her butt the next two days so she could spend the weekend with me, and, of course, the new kitten. I called her as soon as the vet called me.

"Hello?"

"Hey there, sweet thing."

Giggling. "Hi! What's up?"

"I just heard from the vet. Are you free?"

"Yes! Yes yes yes!"

I chuckled. "OK. I'll pick you up in about fifteen minutes."

"Um, I only have one class tomorrow. Do you mind if I pack a bag and stay there for a couple days?"

"I can't think of anything I'd like more." I paused, thinking about my meeting schedule for Friday. "Shit. I have a meeting tomorrow that I have to attend in person, and it will take a large part of the day. Are you OK with keeping the little one occupied for a while by yourself?"

"I think I'll manage."

"I thought maybe you would. I'll see you soon, sweets."

"OK!"

I inadvertently made a spectacle of us at Moira's apartment. I popped out of the car and headed to the porch just as Moira appeared in the doorway with her bag. I scooped her into my arms and kissed her. She squealed in surprise, and then melted against me with a purr. A chorus of cheers and cat calls erupted from overhead. I looked up to see five female faces leaning out of upper windows of the house, Shelly's included. Moira buried her face in my chest with a muffled, "Ay, Dios mio," but I waved, which just doubled the volume of the shouting.

"Don't encourage them," Moira told me.

"They're just glad to see you happy."

Moira gave me flat look. "Lindsay asked me how to land a sugar daddy of her own." I threw my head back and roared with laughter, which earned me a slap on the chest. I got myself under control, but couldn't resist egging them on one more time. I cupped the back of Moira's head in my hand and dipped her, kissing her deeply. Her eyes flew open in shock, and she pressed her hands against my chest, but it didn't take long for her reluctance to crumble, and soon the cheers were even louder.

When I brought her back upright, she shook her head at me, but couldn't keep the smile from her lips. She grabbed my hand and began pulling me toward my car. I gave our audience one last wave and let her tow me along. From overhead I heard, "Wait, the Beamer is his!? Shit! You suck, Moira!"

"That was Lindsay, I take it?" I asked.

"Yup." I started singing Kayne's "Gold Digger" under my breath, and Moira burst out laughing.

By the time we got to the vet, all thoughts of taunting friends, gold-digging and otherwise, were forgotten. Moira fidgeted excitedly while I spoke to a woman at the front desk. Information was passed back to the veterinary assistant, and a gray-tipped white puffball wrapped in a blanket soon appeared, carried by a woman wearing a name tag that said, "Sheila".