Quick Excuse: Men Caught Cheating

Quick-Witted Excuse #1: For Males When Caught Cheating

Recently, I posted my quick-witted excuse for females when caught cheating. Now, I post my quick-witted excuse for males when caught cheating.

Excuse #1: To tell your wife, girlfriend or significant other when caught cheating.

(The writer claims no responsibility legally, civilly or otherwise should your wife, girlfriend or significant other not believe you and say, "Bullshit!" when you use my Quick-Witted Excuse #1 as your excuse.)

We all are caught red-handed with our mouth on someone else's cock, if you are a straight woman, a bi-sexual woman, a gay man or a bisexual man or your tongue in someone else's pussy, if you are a straight man, a bisexual man, a lesbian woman or a bisexual woman. Over the years, I have read and reviewed thousands of stories on erotica and all have depicted hot sex between randy participants but not one has offered any excuses to give your lover when you are caught with someone else.

This essay, as a public service to encourage more promiscuous sexuality for everyone, is the product of the exhaustive research that I have done on behalf of women and men everywhere, regardless if they are straight, bisexual, gay or lesbian. Please, there is no need to thank me, reading, voting, and commenting on this essay is reward enough. Unfortunately, it is too lengthy a project to post all of my 101 excuses for women and all of my 101 excuses for men, so, just as I have posted my #1 excuse for women to use when caught cheating, here is my #1 excuse for men to use when caught cheating. Obviously, I have chosen my first, not necessarily my best, excuse for men to use when caught cheating. I will post more if the voting and comments warrant that I make a trip to the secret archives and dust off my world renowned essays of excuses.

Below is a typical scenario where a man chances the risk of being caught for the sake of some hot sex with a hot woman, albeit a woman who is not his wife, girlfriend or significant other.

Your wife, girlfriend or significant other went away for the weekend to visit her dying mother, to take part in a religious retreat or to have your baby. Whatever the dumb reason for her to go, she had to stupidly trust you to leave you home alone and unsupervised. She should know better. Just as you know that you cannot be trusted home alone and unsupervised, she should know that you cannot be trusted home alone and unsupervised. Therefore, whatever happens is, in effect, her fault. See? Now, we are thinking like men with male logic. Please, save the cheering, the applause, and your gratitude for the end of the essay.

I call this first mini-excuse, the prelude to the main excuse, the Jerry Springer first line of defense when you turn whatever horrible thing you did and blame it on her for trusting you to leave you home alone and unsupervised. Ah, but that is not the main excuse, this, the Jerry Springer defense, is just a bait and switch tactic of logical confusion to give you the time to perfect your real excuse, as her outrage builds and argument unfolds. Yes, that's right. I am talking about the real excuse, the excuse that has saved man throughout the ages, and the excuse that Adam used when he cheated on Eve with Veronica. Yes, I am writing about the one and the only, the excuse of evolution.

You were out with Amanda, your wife's, girlfriend's, or significant other's best friend, last night and she showed you a good time, once you left the restaurant with her and she drove you to her place. You have been hot for one another for some time and, finally, you did it, boy did you do it. You did it non-stop driven by the soulful lust for one another.

As soon as you closed her front door, you had hot sex on the living room carpet before making it to her bedroom and then you did it again in her bed. The next morning at breakfast, you had sex on the kitchen table, which was way hotter than that scene in the remake of the Postman Rings Twice when Jack Nicholson nails Jessica Lange on the kitchen table and they push food and pans off the table, onto the floor, and out of the way to make room for their lustful desire for one another.

Then, just before you left for home, while she was watering the Pansies in the backyard, you were pulling down her panties beneath her nightgown and had anal sex with her. Unfortunately, you did not know that her nosey neighbor is, Marci, your wife's nemesis; she hates your wife ever since she stole you, her boyfriend back in high school, and has always been trying to get back at her. Now, she has the ammunition to load her gossip gun at the ready and fire the fatal bullet of vengeance that will surely kill your excellent, er, good, actually, rocky, well, on the brink of divorce or breakup relationship with your wife, girlfriend or significant other.

You see Marci peeking over the fence and you cannot believe that she lives next door to Amanda. There she is taking a photo with her cellular telephone of you behind Amanda, as you slide your rock hard cock in and out of her round, firm ass at a ferocious pace.

"Fuck! I'm fucked!"

"What?" Amanda stands and pulls up her panties.

"Your next door neighbor, Marci, saw me fucking you up the ass."

"So?"

"She took a picture of us with her cell phone."

"So?"

"She is my wife's worse enemy."

"After all these years, are they still not talking? Geez, I forgot. Fuck! We're fucked!"

Suddenly, you remember your wife telling you all about Marci and telling you all the evil and despicable things that she did to her to get back at that one thing she did so long ago, which was stealing you away from her. Then, you recall the last time that you saw her when you were walking with your woman. You gave her the finger and she looked so shocked and hurt. You will never forget the look on her face. Now, it is her turn to get even and you know that she will tell your woman that you were fucking Amanda up the ass.

You go home. It is several hours before your wife, girlfriend or significant other, (you forget which one she is) arrives home from visiting her dying mother, her religious retreat or having your baby (again, you forget where she went). You rack your brain trying to think of an excuse and the only one that comes to mind is the Jerry Springer defense when you turn the argument around blaming everything on her for trusting you and leaving you home alone unsupervised.

Still, that's not good enough. You need something else and you have already used the Adam and Eve excuse when she caught you fucking the bridesmaid at the wedding reception and cannot use that one, again, unless, of course, you are with a different woman other than your present wife, girlfriend or significant other, whichever one she is. You, just a man, do not know about the excuse of evolution, yet.

The Red Sox are playing today and you turn on the game. Watching baseball, like watching paint dry, while sipping a six pack of beer, always helps you to think. Only, it is a rain delay. Nothing is going your way. First your wife, girlfriend or significant other leaves you home alone and unsupervised all weekend long to visit her dying mother, for her religious retreat or to have your baby, then, you are caught boning Amanda up the ass by her worst enemy, Marci. Now, there is a rain delay to the baseball game that while watching the game would have, surely, given you the excuse that you needed to amend things at home.

You recline in the soft comfort of your leather chair, the one with the drink holder, while flipping channels at a blinding pace, something that you are not allowed to do when your wife, girlfriend or significant other is home. With 181 channels, there is still nothing on television until you flip on PBS, Public Broadcast Service Television. It must be a new station because you have never heard of public broadcast service television before. There, before your eyes is a broadcast of the Timeline of Evolution. You do not know it yet, but PBS is about to give you your excuse, the excuse of evolution.

You watch the television screen through a beer blurred brain trying to comprehend all that is revealed before you, but can only pick up bits and pieces of the endlessly long and boring program.

"The Earth, created 4.6 billion years old, gave birth to the Hadean eon, 3.8 billion years ago, where simple, single cells called prokaryotes and photosynthesis evolved. During the Proterozoic eon, 2.5 billion years ago, complex cells, multi-cellular life, simple animals, the sponge and the flatworm manifested, and the Ozone layer formed. The Phanerozoic eon, 542 million years ago to present, consisted of three eras, Paleozoic, 542 million years ago, Mesozic, 251 million years ago, and Cenozoic, 65.5 million years ago to present. The Paleozoic Era is the period of insects, crustaceans, fish, land plants, seeds, amphibians, reptiles, and mammals. The Mesozoic Era is the period of crocodilians, dinosaurs, pterosaurs, and sharks. The Cenozoic Era to present is the period of horse, whale, dolphin, elephant, monkey, giant sloth, apes, orangutans, gorillas, and chimpanzees, and man (yes, and woman, too)."

Waiting for the ballgame to start, you flip back and forth from the public broadcast service channel to the ballgame. Still, the rain pours down on the field like your miserable life is pouring down upon your head. You doze while drinking beer after beer and in-between flipping back and forth between the two channels by hitting the last channel button, you, finally, fall asleep with the last flipped channel set at the Timeline of Evolution program. Your brain never sleeps and processes the information sub-consciously as you doze percolating your excuse for you, the excuse of evolution.

The main thing that stays with you in your conscience mind when you awaken finally is extinction and the seven major events of extinction that occured over geological time. The Cambrian-Ordovician extinction, 488 million years ago, is the first mass extinction. The Ordovician-Silurian includes two extinctions within a 10 million year period 450 million years ago and are combined and are considered as the second mass extinction. The Late Devonian extinction, 365 million years ago, is the third mass extinction. The Permian-Triassic extinction, the fourth extinction, 250 million years ago, wipes out 90% of all animal species and is the most severe animal extinction. The fifth major mass extinction occurs at the Triassic-Jurassic, 200 million years ago, and, somehow, the dinosaurs survive the extinction but grow to monstrous size. The sixth major extinction occurs at the Cretaceous-Tertiary, 65 million years ago created by the cooling climate precipitated by the impact of an asteroid, and wipes out half of all animal species including the non-avian dinosaurs.

Then, 40,000 years ago, the Megafauna extinction begins coinciding with the Holocene extinction, which continues today with most large mammals disappearing due directly or indirectly to man. The Holocene extinction is the event that most biologists believe is the beginning of a tremendously accelerated anthropogenic mass extinction due to the current rate of human destruction of the biosphere and that one-half of all species of life will be extinct within the year 2100.

"What?" You wake up from your drunken nap. "Which half will live and which half will die, men or women, animal or plant?" You wish you had not fallen asleep. You try the baseball game again and the announcer's voice comes on just as your wife, girlfriend or significant other, (damn, if only you could remember which one she is,) puts her key to the door.

"Ninth inning, two out and the Red Sox have one last batter to get out to end the game."

"Marci called my cell phone and sent me a photo of you fucking Amanda up the ass." She gives you that look that she gave you last Sunday when she was late for church and she stepped in your dog's shit with her white Patten leather shoes after she asked you to clean it up and you told her that you did. "How could you?"

Your brain freezes. You dig down deep trying to clear your mind from the blur that the beer caused your brain to suddenly brown out. You pull out the Jerry Springer defense.

"It's your fault!"

"It's my fault that you were fucking Amanda, my best friend, up the ass."

"Yes."

"And, tell me, how is that my fault?"

"You trusted me."

"Yes, of course, I trusted you. I trusted you not to fuck Amanda, my best friend, up the ass." She waves a finger in your face. "And wait until I confront her."

"Strike one," the announcer yells over the television.

"You left me home alone and unsupervised."

"Are you a child? Have you no self control? Do you do all of your thinking with your penis?"

"Strike two," says the announcer.

You pull out the excuse of evolution, Freddie's #1 excuse for men that has worked for, well, eons since Eve caught Adam in the Garden of Eden fucking her best friend, Veronica, and going at it like dogs in heat.

"We are all going to be dead within 100 years."

"What?"

"The Holocene extinction event."

"Strike three," says the announcer.

"You're insane."

"But, I was only planting my seed—"

"You're out!" The announcer repeats the umpire's call.

"Get out!"

"...to save us from extinction."

"I just returned from a religious retreat, you moron. I believe in God and not in evolution."

"The Red Sox are winners!"

"Loser!" She says slamming the door on your pitiful ass.

Sorry, my apologies, there is a typo mistake that I did not catch before posting this story. Instead of reading Quick-Witted Excuse for Males When Caught Cheating, I meant to write, Nit-Witted Excuse for Males When Caught Cheating.

"Uhm, my advice is, next time, do not cheat but if you are determined to cheat, cheat on an atheist. The excuse of evolution works better with them."