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Progress was slow, Eli was fading into delirium, stumbling over his words, and coughing, trying to clear the blood from his lungs. When Rachel spoke the next line, Eli didn't repeat it, instead he said, "Forgive me. I know I should have. I should have told..." but then he gasped and said no more. He was gone, and Rachel found that she did, indeed, have a few tears left. Though whether she cried for the departed Brother Eli, or instead for herself at being left alone, she could not have said for sure.
- COMMENTS
WilsonMeisterover 7 years agoTo Your 'Anon Troll' - Begone ! !
Excellent intro, anticipating more
Hanz
Anonymousalmost 8 years agoI found both of your stories OK. It is an interesting premise, good luck find Rachel a man she can love and trust.
Anonymousabout 8 years ago'As of' were unnecessary. "Sisters were not yet awake"
The blood ran out of her face as she realized that the covers to their beds were not even turned back. Nor were the beds made as their father required before they would be allowed to leave for church or school.
So their beds hadn’t been used since the covers weren’t turned back, wouldn’t that mean they were made since they hadn’t been used. I stopped reading there. You seem to use a lot of unnecessary words to describe the same thing, it’s no wonder your writing is long winded.
