Ralph and Mabel Go Medieval Pt. 01

(Modern fantasy and humor with medieval undertones. Guest starring the Heartbreakers.)

*****

Ralph was sitting by the foldout table, concentrating so furiously he looked like one of those ugly stone gargoyles they used to put up on cathedral corners to frighten evil spirits away. Across the table from him, his buddy Frank was in a similar frazzled state of mind. Both men were in their mid-thirties, highly focused on the fantasy board game resting in their midst. They were in the back of the house because Mabel couldn't stand the sight of the meticulously hand-painted miniature people, the game cards and dozens of little tokens the board game used. Every time Mabel saw the great clutter from the game, the industrious woman was nearly compelled to bring out the vacuum and suck it all away.

"If I can roll an eight through ten, I'll do enough damage to the Dungeon Boss to kill it." Ralph formulated in a low, tense voice.

"Be very careful what you wish for, dude." Frank cautioned his friend. "If you don't drop that Boss, she'll use her Retaliate skill to deal you a four-plus attack. You only have three Life Points left, dude. I don't want to sound like a downer, but maybe this is one fight you can't win. Maybe you should flee for your life, like I did."

"If I flee, I have to drop half my gold and a third of my gear!" Ralph growled. "I am not leaving my Vibrant Cloak with plus one to Dispel Darkness behind! Besides, we've been at this frigging game for nearly two hours now. I have a chance to end it, and I really think I should take that chance!"

Both men paused to have a look through the window. It was dark outside. In unison, they swiveled their heads to look at the wall clock, which said nine o'clock.

"We've been at it longer than two hours, dude." Frank said.

"I'm going to roll." Ralph said, decisively. He picked up his favorite blue, ten-sided die and dropped it into the plastic cup they'd been using. As Ralph took the cup in both hands and began shaking it, he tried to coax the die to give him a good roll. "Come on, baby. We can do this. If we take out this Boss, she can't spawn all these evil monsters and the town of Safe Haven will truly be a safe haven. Gimme an eight or better, baby!"

Ralph tipped the cup over, allowing the die to jump out onto the game board. Both men tracked its movement. For a second, it looked as if the die would bounce off the table, but it halted right there on the edge and showed the lowest numeral it could possibly show.

"You got a one, dude." Frank grumbled.

"I know that!" Ralph exploded. He was so angry he tightened his hands into fists and began pounding at the table, causing all manner of game pieces to jump up and down. "God damn it! I was this close!"

"Dude, you're causing an earthquake in Safe Haven!" Frank started grabbing at the flying pieces and quickly returning them to their former places.

"Oh, man!" Ralph barked, standing up so roughly he knocked over the chair he was sitting on. He paced away. "I was that close! If I killed that bitch Boss, we could have looted the chamber and taken her treasure!"

"Keep it down, Ralphie!" Mabel called out from down the hall. "I'm trying to watch my reality show!"

"I'll show you a reality show..." Ralph fumed, nearly ready to punch a hole in the wall. He didn't do that because he'd have to repair the hole like the last time, and besides, it would hurt like a sun-bitch.

"Shit, dude." Frank muttered, as he kept on playing.

"What?"

"Well, when the Boss used Retaliate, she activated her poison aura. It just did ten damage to me and I wasn't even in the same room. At least you got a hero's death. I'm over here gasping and dragging my ass all over the chamber while turning green. Fuck! I died too!"

"The next time we face the Boss, she'll have her full health again, won't she?"

"That's right." Frank nodded. "She resets every time we get killed."

"Turn over the loot card." Ralph urged. "I want to see what we could have gotten if we'd beaten that red-haired bitch."

"Dude, what if it is something really good? We'll both get pissed off. Let's just put the game away and forget about it."

Adamant, Ralph leaned over the table and turned over the first loot card. The card showed a shiny golden helmet with plus ten to life, and bonuses to strength, dexterity, agility and a holy freeze aura against undead monsters.

"Dude, I could have sooo used that." Frank lamented.

When Frank started pounding at the table, Ralph took his chair and followed the man's lead. Both men were pounding so hard they were making all the game pieces fall off the table, because that was the only way they could get revenge on the game for having killed them. Well, they could have destroyed the game itself, but it was their favorite game so they didn't do that.

"What the hell is going on in here, Ralphie?" Mabel walked in, wearing her snug cotton shorts, gasping when she saw all the little pieces on the floor. "Oh, you pair of bastards, you just had to go and make a mess in here, didn't you? That's it, Ralphie, I'm getting the vacuum!"

"No, you're not." Ralph muttered. "When Frank and I cool off, we'll pick everything up."

"Pick that mess up right now, Ralphie!"

"I said we'll do it in a little while." Ralph repeated.

"I know you, Ralphie." Mabel scolded her husband. "You always lose at that game, and you always say you'll pick the pieces up. Then you get drunk, and I end up having to pick them up in the morning. I guess I'll have to do it myself, again!"

When Mabel mentioned beer, Ralph glanced over at the lamp stand. Since the men were always knocking things over, they'd taken to putting their beer cans away from the table. Ralph stood up and went to grab the two open cans that had been sitting there for a while. Luckily, the alcohol was comfortably cool. Still upset, Frank had his head cradled in his hands, but he did have a few gulps once Ralph brought his beer over.

Both men were distressed as they drank their sorrows away. It wasn't the first time that same Dungeon Boss had killed their characters, and if past history was any indicator, it probably wouldn't be the last. Absently, the two men looked at the game board, before they turned their attention toward Mabel, who had the bad habit of not bending her knees when she was in a bad mood and picking things up off the floor. Mabel still had a pretty good figure on her. She looked like an ostrich with a nice plump ass when she leaned over to scoop up all the game tokens.

"You know what this game really needs?" Frank asked. "More than frigging boots with plus one to walking speed?"

"What?" Ralph replied.

"Wenches."

Mabel wasn't paying any attention to them by then. She would grab as many of the little game pieces as she could, before dumping them all into a pile on the table. Ralph was ready to go and sort the tokens, as there were different sorts and they went into their own little pouches. He paused when Mabel brushed by him and went to collect another bunch. The same as before, she leaned way over and rounded out her butt as she clawed the scattered items off the floor.

"Wenches are always good, right?" Ralph shrugged.

"Think about it, dude." Frank envisioned. "What if we beat this Dungeon Boss, and the loot was really a doorway to a hidden chamber. And what if, inside that chamber, there was a harem of wenches? Wouldn't that be something?"

Ralph grinned. He used to have a stack of old Playboy magazines hidden in the upper shelf of his closet, up until Mabel had discovered them and tossed them out.

"What are you looking at?" Mabel asked, when she noticed Frank ogling her.

"A wench." Frank chuckled.

"Did you just call me a wench? Ralphie, you'd better say something, before I punch Frank's lights out."

"Frank, don't call my wife a wench." Ralph said.

"You two were farting in here, weren't you?" Mabel asked, as she went down on her knees to get at the miniature people that were hiding under the table. This time, she bent all the way over to reach them, shoving at Frank's feet until he slid his chair back.

Both men stood up and, while holding their beers, went to the end of the table where they could have a better look at Mabel's big, round ass.

"Yeah, that's what we need around here: wenches." Frank nodded. "Our wives, dude, they'd make for really shitty wenches back in the day. They don't cater to us or flirt with us like the wenches do in the movies. They don't bring us chips and beer when we need them, and they don't really dress sexy, either. In fact, all our wives do is nag us until we can't stand them anymore."

"This is true." Ralph nodded. "I guess times have changed."

"I read somewhere that in the old days, knights were not as chivalrous as people make them out to be." Frank nodded. "I heard that knights would woo the ladies, and they'd write poetry for them and bring them gifts and shit. When they were out in the villages, on the other hand, if a knight would see a chick he liked, he'd just drag her into the woods and hump her."

"There's a couple of girls at work I'd like to take into the woods." Ralph grinned.

At some point, Mabel had begun paying a little more attention to what the men were saying. She was still on all fours underneath the table, as she looked over her shoulder and saw the men standing behind her. "What did you just say, Ralphie?"

"Uh, nothing."

"It had better be nothing." Mabel grumbled, while she gathered the last of the fallen game pieces.

"Here's what I'm saying." Frank punched his open hand. "Back in the day, a knight wouldn't ask anybody permission to do anything! He just went out and did it! And he didn't have any wenches giving him any back talk! We lost it, Ralph. We really lost it. In what kind of messed up world do the wenches lord it over the knights? You see what I'm saying?"

Mabel stood up, dropping her last handful of tokens on the table. She pointed an accusing finger at Frank. "Did you just call me a wench again? You've had too much to drink, Frank. Get out. Go home and go to sleep. We don't need you here speaking all these vulgarities to my sweet Ralphie. Tell him, Ralphie."

"Yeah, it is getting late." Ralph nodded. "We'd better call it a night, Frank. I'll walk you outside."

"That's it, dude?" Frank asked. "The wench snaps her fingers, and the knight loses his balls. Fine, I'll go home. Hey, Ralph, why don't you call me when you find your balls, okay?"

"I have balls."

"Not in this house you don't." Frank made a face at him. "Ask your wife where your balls are. Go ahead, I dare you."

Ralph faced his better half. "Well? What do you have to say about that?"

"You don't have any balls, Ralphie. I put them in a jar and I buried them in the backyard years ago. Is that what you want to hear? Go on and walk your friend out. I'll finish putting your toys away."

"It is not a toy, it's a fantasy board game." Ralph corrected.

"Whatever. I'll put it away for you."

"Aw, don't let her do that!" Frank complained. "She puts all the tokens into the wrong pouches! It'll take us half an hour to sort that shit next time!"

"Let's go, Frank." Ralph prodded his buddy. "It's getting late."

The men trudged out to the front yard.

Ralph observed how dark the neighborhood was. He grinned. "I wish I had my cloak with plus one to dispel darkness on it. I could sure use it now to light things up."

"Don't you see what is going on?" Frank pleaded. "Snap out of it, dude!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Your wife just told you that she took your balls away. She told you right to your stinking face, and you're like, ho, hum, life goes on."

"Mabel was joking."

"That's because you're the joke!" Frank pointed into Ralph's face. "And so am I! Our wives treat us like we're ten year old kids! Don't track dirt in the house, make sure you put your clothes in the hamper, roll the tube of toothpaste up so we can get the most out of it. I'm sick and tired of it, Ralph! We're not men; we're babies!"

"Your wife says that too, about the toothpaste?"

In disgust, Frank looked up at the dark sky. "You know what I really hate? My wife took my things out of the living room, because they're 'man' things. Then she took my things out of our bedroom, also because they're 'man' things. Now all my so-called 'man' things are sitting in storage, and she's bitching about how it would be nice if she could put some of her things in there too! You know what would be nice for me?"

"What?"

"Sue Ellen can keep her fucking minivan, but I want a two-seater sports car for me! It's going to be painted in a flashy red, and I'm going to get a ton of speeding tickets when I'm driving it! When I walk down the hall in my apartment, I don't want to see pictures of Sue Ellen's ugly ass grandparents; I want posters of Budweiser girls and wrestling chicks! I want a disco ball and a vibrating bed in my room, Ralph! I'm serious, dude! Aren't you tired of letting your wife pull you around by the nut-sack?"

"Maybe that's just the way things are." Ralph shrugged.

"You're a wimp." Frank said. "Just forget it. I'm going home."

Ralph almost let his buddy make it out of the front yard. Almost. "Wait. Come back here, Frank. All right, so maybe things could be a little bit better, as far as all this stuff you've been talking about. Since you brought this up, you must have some kind of plan up your sleeve. What is the rest of it?"

"No plan." Frank denied. "I just think we should do something and we have to start somewhere."

"Like where?"

"Like you standing up to Mabel, and me standing up to Sue Ellen."

"Keep it going. How should I stand up to Mabel?"

"March back in there and tell her to give your balls back!"

"And then?" Ralph wondered.

"Take her." Frank said, excitedly. "Take her like a knight would take a wench in some seedy tavern from a long time ago. Don't let her lip off to you, like she has been. Give it to her raw! And let me watch you do it, because knights didn't go hide in rooms when they did the wild thing. Dude, knights would take their women right there in the middle of the tavern, with everybody watching them!"

"You just want to see Mabel naked."

"Well, sure." Frank shrugged. "My wife isn't bad looking, but she'd been gaining a few pounds over the last few years. Your wife still has her hourglass shape on her. I'll tell you what, dude. You let me watch you manhandle your woman, and tomorrow afternoon, I'll let you watch me manhandle mine."

"Sue Ellen has a nice rack." Ralph mused. "No offense."

"Sue Ellen has milk jugs. Your wife has a nice rack. You see that? We've been with the same women for so long that we can barely appreciate them. Do you think Sue Ellen is fat?"

"No, I think she's plump, but she's attractive." Ralph admitted. "I've looked at her big butt the same way you were looking at Mabel's a few minutes ago. No offense."

"Don't worry about it." Frank replied. "I've rubbed one out a couple of times, thinking about Mabel."

Ralph felt a little stung by that revelation. He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "Well, since we're coming clean about all of this anyway. I have imagined titty-fucking your wife before, especially when she comes over wearing her low-cut blouses. Man, that's a nice set of hooters! Uh, no offense."

"What do you think about my plan? About knights putting wenches in their place?"

"I don't know about that. What if we end up coming to blows over it later? What if I let you watch me bonk my wife, and then you chicken out and don't let me watch you and Sue Ellen doing it?"

"Get the game out, dude." Frank resolved. "I will lend you my Gauntlets of Power, with plus three to strength and a twenty-five percent increased chance of finding gold, if we go through with this."

Ralph's mouth drooled at the thought of the powerful fighting gloves.

"Hey, hey, don't get ahead of yourself!" Frank cautioned. "Those are my gauntlets! I'm not letting you have them; I am only lending them to you as collateral. How about this, dude? We'll open up the game and each roll a ten-sided die. If we get a roll of six or above, our plan of knightly conquest will proceed. Are you down with that?"

"That's a fifty-fifty chance." Ralph knew. "Okay, I am down. Let's go!"

The men walked back into the house. At first, Ralph cringed because Mabel was already running the vacuum. He truly hoped she'd found all of the game pieces before she had turned it on.

"I thought Frank was leaving." His wife made an irritated face, when she saw them returning. She was talking louder than usual thanks to the racket from the vacuum.

"We forgot to do one thing." Ralph shouted back.

To Mabel's dismay, he took the game off its shelf and opened it back up. It took him a few seconds to find a pair of blue dice, as Mabel had jumbled everything up together into the little pouches. Ralph found the dice-rolling cup and handed one die to Frank. His buddy covered the open end of the cup with his hand, before he shook it. The die rattled around, until Frank tipped the cup over and let it bounce into the game box. The result was a seven.

"Your turn." Frank passed the cup over.

The men paused when Mabel turned off the vacuum. She didn't fully bend over this time, but she did lean just enough to tantalize them with her butt, when she began wrapping up the long electric cord. Now, for those of you that may have been wondering, no, Mabel did not do this deliberately. She was one of those women with a natural sexiness to her that showed pretty much while she was doing anything. In fact, Mabel was so unwittingly sexy that she could merely sit down at the table, filing her nails and humming as she wiggled away in her chair, and it would end up looking sexy.

"What are you two looking at?" She asked, as she dragged the vacuum cleaner off.

Ralph dropped his die into the cup and started shaking it. After a few fateful shakes, he released the die into the game back and watched it bounce to a stop. It showed only a four. Ralph made a face.

"You have spell-cast ability in non-combat situations." Frank reminded him. "You can re-roll one more time and keep the best result."

"That's right, I do." Ralph nodded. His next roll resulted in a nine.

Both men looked out the door. Mabel had gone back into the living room. She was sitting on the couch and watching her reality show again. When she saw the two men staring at her, she called out, "You'd better not leave those beer cans in there, either!"

"She has Level Five Aggression." Ralph whispered.

"That's okay." Frank replied. "We can use our combined Rush that can't be blocked by her defenses. You'll have to tank against her physical combat while I get her clothes off. We'll have to use Increased Speed. That will deplete our mana fast."

"It may not be enough against her Aggression." Ralph said. "I'll use Lion's Roar to give us enhanced attributes. We'll have to move fast before she can counter that. Are you ready?"

Frank nodded that he was. Ralph started to roar, but he did it wrong and he ended up coughing a lot. The second time, he sucked in a great volume of air and bellowed out like a foghorn, with his head facing the ceiling and his mouth wide open.

On the couch, Mabel had jumped when she heard the roar. "What the hell are you guys doing now, Ralphie?"

The woman saw the men charging toward her, and this scared her. She barely had the chance to stand, when Ralph bowled her over onto the carpet. With two men groping at her and pulling on her clothes, Mabel used Berserker Fury while trying to fend them off. She even managed to plant Vicious Kick into the side of Frank's head.

"My Mesmerize isn't working!" Frank cried out.

""Use Ice Shield!" Ralph ordered.

"We're too close! It might end up freezing us!"

"Use it!"

Ralph yanked at Mabel's blouse, while Frank tore off her shorts. The woman put up Clash of Swords, but it was futile against their Barrage Attack. Ralph dragged her across the living room until her blouse finally came off, while Frank had a much easier time with the shorts, and with the soft, pink panties under them.