Random Thoughts

Lions and Tigers and F-150s Oh My!

"Sex is like a gun. You aim, you shoot, you run."

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried about. In today's society, you can't afford to go around having sex with just anyone. And, that's precisely what I did.

You see, I was a 21 year old virgin. All of my life I had been raised to wait until I found the perfect man and married him before I had sex. That was my plan for the future. But somehow, I messed up.

I thought I knew who I would lose my virginity to. I had been in love with this man for the longest time. Through thick and thin, I would always remain his friend...and if things worked out, his lover. I had a perfect little dream of showing him in the ultimate way how much I loved him. Obviously, things did not work out. I would have given my world for this man...but he just did not want me. That is the worst hurt I could have ever experienced...not being wanted. But, oh well, life moves on.

Now, enter the new boyfriend. We met through my brother of all people. Now how odd is that?? My brother (the man that hates everyone I've ever liked) sets me up with a man. I'll never get over that one.

Automatically, everything with this man was different than I've ever experienced. First off, there's a seven year age difference between me and him. Not too bad. Yoko Ono was eight years older than John Lennon, and they had an excellent relationship. But, I get off the subject.

The feelings I had for him were definitely different. I could tell this would be a serious relationship. He did nothing out of the ordinary, he just took me to the movies...bought my ticket, and made me feel absolutely beautiful. Wow. I can feel that way about myself?? That’s a new emotion for me! After the date, he showed interest and said he would like to go out again sometime. Sure!! Fine by me! I was totally cheezing big time when I walked into the house.

The second time I saw him, we were at my brother's house. Remember...I was a 21 year old virgin. Somehow, I found myself damned near screwing this man in my brother's smoke shack outside. DAMN how did that happen?! He didn't pressure me into a thing, so I can't say that. Maybe it was just that it had been 6 years since I had had *any* sexual contact with a man whatsoever. And the last man I had been with was the person I thought I loved. Needless to say, I was a little bit hormonal at the sudden attention. The odd thing is, I was acting unlike I had EVER acted before. I don't just suddenly let any man touch me...and all of a sudden I am?! Weird stuff.

I don't remember the third time I was with him, but I remember that night. I told him online that I did not want to lead him on...I was a virgin. He acted totally sweet, and told me that it was fine with him. "The time should be right for you and not just your partner," is the exact words he used with me. WOW again! In the past, whenever anyone found out about me being a virgin, they totally freaked out and wanted nothing to do with me. Score one for me!! I found a good guy.

The next night, I lost my virginity in the back of his F150 down by the river. Can we say, WTF?! I was not drunk...I was not stoned. I was sober. He was sober. But yet, I totally went back on every value and ideal I've had since I was a small child. Needless to say, I was a little confused. I remember telling him that I was not ready. I also remember right after I said that, I kept necking with him. I felt him get ready to penetrate me, but I did not say no. I did not say yes. I knew exactly what was happening, and I let it happen. How do these things happen in the age of HIV and pregnancy????? We didn't even use protection. All my life I knew to use protection or some bad stuff could happen, but yet I went back on that too.

Since then, he has been a total sweetheart. The next day he felt like a total asshole. He said he did not expect that to happen, and he felt like he had taken something from me. He respected me for being able to save my virginity, and he felt like an ass for being the one to take it. All I could tell him is that I could have said no, but I didn't did I?? I could have stopped it all but I chose not to. He felt a little better at that, but still had some guilt going on.

Now, if it was just as easy with me. I feel totally terrible that I gave it up after 3 days. I mean come on! But, as I sit here writing this, I realize that he and I are now on 12 days of dating. Yeah that isn't long, but this whole relationship is going very fast. He's already given me his ring to wear. Whoa.

In the twelve days I have been with him, I have learned so much. I've learned that I do not have to feel like shit in a relationship. I do not have to hate myself or give up my identity. I can feel good about myself and be with him at the same time. I'm totally in shock.

My friends all say he spoils me rotten and I deserve this. I'm still trying to figure out how I went from "I wish I could be with guy #1 but he'll never want me or love me like I love him," to "OMG this guy is the ultimate sweetheart."

He's said he has no intention of leaving me. He says he's in this relationship for the long run...if I can handle it. I think I can. However it happened, I just hope I can give some of the happiness he has given me back to him. Sure, I'm still freaked out because I gave my virginity to him so early. But, I said I wanted to save it for the right man, the man I loved. Come to think of it, I think I did.

* * * * *

Hickeys. What gives?

What is it about hickeys that men find so alluring? They're a bruise for Christ’s sake.

So I'm out at the river today with the love of my life. Things get a little heated, and he begins to suck on my neck. Oh boy...that I can handle. I'm sitting there quite happy in this position, when....IT HAPPENS.

No longer was I happily necking in the truck with my boyfriend. I had a large, 220 pound Hoover vacuum cleaner attached to my neck. Hell, a TURBO charged Hoover. HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD! Someone get the Jaws of Life, I think I'm dying.

You could almost feel my flesh separating from my body. After he morphs back into my sweet, fun-loving boyfriend...he notices exactly how good he got me. "Wow, that’s gonna leave a mark."

No kidding. Half of my flesh is still hanging loosely from my body...and he thinks he needs to inform me that it's going to leave a mark. OOoooook.

Do men find it necessary to "mark their territory?" Why don't you just back up to me and spray like a cat, big guy?

Now I have to find a way to cover this crap so I can lead a somewhat normal existence. As a woman that does not wear makeup, that's just a tad bit difficult.

I guess I'll just go around and tell people I have an alien embryo growing out of my neck...that would explain the swelling and the nasty look to it.

Yeah, that'll work.

* * * * *

“I hear by claim this woman in the name of…..”

What is it with people?

For the past six years of my life, I've been unhappy. Unhappy because I had no one in my life to love, other than family and friends. I wanted a boyfriend.

All of my other friends were very lucky when it came to matters of their sex lives. They had absolutely no problem finding a significant other. Needless to say, I'm a big dork.

My friends thought it was pretty cool though. They always knew where I was gonna be on a particular night. It was always at home. If someone needed me, they could find me quick.

For a long time, I didn't care about it. I was happy being alone. I didn't need any man to make my life worth living. I had me, and that's all that mattered. But, I must say the loneliness hit sometime around senior prom. While my friends had their boyfriends to take with them...I took one of my gay male friends. Niiiiiice.

After that, it was always kind of disturbing to see them happy in love, doing all sorts of cool things with their men. They would always tell me "Don’t worry, your Knight in shining armor will come soon." Wouldn't it be great if life was like the romance novels that these people obviously read?

Now the confusing thing happens. Not only did I find a boyfriend (Holy JESUS...it IS possible!), but my friends do a total 360 in their attitudes.

Take, for instance, tonight. My boyfriend, me, and one of my friends went out to the local pool hall. On the way to pick him up, my friend starts telling me how she doesn't want me to ditch her just because "my man" is coming. Ok, whatever, I wasn't intending on ditching her. Then, when we get to the pool hall, it starts happening.

He would come to me after every shot and give me a kiss on the cheek or a big bear hug. And I could see her foaming at the mouth. This went on for a little while then, my friend proceeds to inform him that she "found" me first and that I was "her ho". Um................ok.

After that, he kept doing things to annoy her. He did some of the most blatant displays of male territorialism I've ever seen. And then she would do something even worse. I could almost see my boyfriend - dressed as a Spanish Conquistador - driving a sign into my side and proudly announcing "I hereby claim this woman in the name of..." before getting tackled by my friend (who is also dressed like a Conquistador, and is carrying her own sign).

I don't understand it. I just don't. My friend is insanely jealous of what me and my boyfriend have. I don't understand why though. I try my hardest to keep her in the loop and to do stuff with her...but it doesn't matter. Whatever I do, if he's involved it isn't good enough for her. PLEASE people, there's enough of me to go around. I can have fun with her one night and have fun with him the next. I don't have to spend every second of every day with one or the other of them.

Hell, this is too much trouble, I think I just need a dog.

* * * * *

Deep Cleans and Refreshes

You know, relationships are weird. I was thinking on this whole relationship the other day, and I realized something. I'm happy. I realized something else too...I've been s*** on so much in my life that it's about damned time I'm happy.

For the longest time, I thought I deserved all the crap that was done to me. And, I didn't really realize bad things were happening. I thought I was happy. Boy was I wrong.

This all started when a friend mentioned the man I thought I was in love with. She then mentioned how badly he was acting towards the people he lived with. For some reason, this opened my anger flood gates. I started ranting and raving about all the things I had *just* noticed had been done to me.

This supposed gentleman I was "in love with" was the biggest prick. I was the proud recipient of the largest mind fuck ever. He and I became friends before we were anything. Then, he found out I had taken a "shining" to him (ok, I sound like my grandma). He then came over to my house and informed me he WAS going to seduce me. I didn't believe him. Wrong AGAIN! (dang I'm on a roll).

In a short matter of time, he took naive little me and turned me into his puppet. I would have done anything for him. He apparently loved playing mind games with people, and only a few fell for it. I consistently did. No matter what he did, I would always forgive him. I thought I loved him. Everyone would tell me he was too mean to me, but I didn't see it. I was blind to his faults. And if I did finally see one of these faults, I found an excuse for him to act that way.

For years this went on. Then he moved away. Problem solved?? HELL NO. I said I wanted to stay his friend, which I sincerely tried to do. Everytime he came to see me, he would start talking about how much he loved me and how if he wasn't in a serious relationship he would want to be with me (if he can even say this, it means the relationship wasn't serious enough). Stupid me, I believed every word out of his mouth and consistently held on to the hope that one day he would want me.

Now that I have my boyfriend, I realize how big of a prick the first guy was to me. You know what?? I'm pissed. What did I ever do to him (lets call him Don Juan for the sake of a name to use) to be treated so badly?? All I ever wanted from him was to be loved. I gave him love unconditionally, but didn't receive anything in return...other than heartache. In a matter of a few years, he single handedly crushed any form of self-esteem I may have had. I hated myself. He took away my joy. I pride myself in being an eternal child...I always looked at life through a child's eyes. It made life more interesting...and he took that away from me too. I started looking at life like a 50 year old crack addict. I was so depressed. And somehow, he still made me think he loved me. I doubt he ever had any love for me whatsoever. I was always his backup girl...whenever he couldn't have who he wanted, he would come back to mind f*** me some more. I think I will ALWAYS be bitter.

I also saw how badly other people had treated me. I always tried to go through life and help people be happy. And all I accomplished was having them walk all over me. People went out of their way to hurt me. I did not deserve any of it. And I'm just now realizing this.

My boyfriend apparently has done more for me than I originally thought. He's taught me to respect myself and my right to be happy. He's also helped me to realize I don't have to let people walk all over me. That's amazing. I feel bad though because my best friend has been trying to make me realize this for years, but he succeeded in 3 weeks.

After I had my tangent about mean people, I feel totally different. I almost feel free.

Boyfriends are amazing.

* * * * *

Love

What is it with that word? Love. You hear it all through your life; from your parents, brothers, sisters, and friends. But when your significant other says it...WATCH OUT!

The first time they say it (depending on if you're like me) your blood pressure rises sky high, you get sweaty palms, dizzy spells, and nausea And then, after you recover from your sudden health problems...the grinning begins.

He said he loved me yesterday and I thought I would go into cardiac arrest. The sad thing is...it was over the computer.

The first emotion that hit was denial. No, he didn't say that to me. But there it was, in the flickering of the screen, "I love you." Quick! Does anyone know CPR?! The second thing to hit was the insane grinning. My grin was so wide I looked like the old flip-top-head commercials. Then I told my best friend exactly what happened. She's in the process of planning her speech for our wedding.

Ok, so now he loves me. That's good right?? I've gone from being insanely happy to paranoid. This has all happened pretty quickly. Does he love me, or does he love my anatomy? Is "love" just a way to get me to do what he wants? "Love" has gone from being a very family oriented word to the greatest thing on earth; then it suddenly became a curse.

How does a person ever know if "love" is good?

* * * * *

Parents are Insane

Ok, now I just don't understand parents. They're odd creatures, and I believe there isn't a sane one on the planet.

Take, for instance, my mother. She's forty five years old. She raised two strong willed children, and is the grandmother of two young boys (not from me).

Mother was raised as a traditional farm girl. Her family brought her up very old fashioned, and she was raised to believe you should save yourself for marriage. She was also raised to be the shy, demure woman who would eventually marry and be subservient. Ok sure.

Mother and I have always had a relationship that was more like friendship than anything. I always felt confident talking to her about anything...until now. I felt very badly that I could not tell her I have been with a man.

Today, I found my chance. She came home drunk off her ass (what happened to the shy woman!?). I told her how my boyfriend was planning on buying a hotel room and taking me out one night. I assured her that nothing was going to be happening, we were just going to be hanging out. She then proceeds to tell me she doesn't care, and hell why don't I sleep with him?! Ok mom, exactly how much did you drink anyway? I looked at her with pure shock evident in my face.

She then tells me that I'm 21, she trusts my judgment on things. If I'm gonna have sex, I'm gonna have sex. I can't be a virgin for the rest of my life.

Can you imagine my surprise as I found myself telling her I had, in fact, slept with him already? Her only reaction was to smack herself in the head and look at me like she was shocked. Then she said not to tell dad.

That brings me to fathers. What the heck? When a man's kids hit puberty, the boy is encouraged to "bag" as many females as he possibly can before getting married. The dad feels proud of his son for screwing girls. But LORD HAVE MERCY, lock the girls up in a tower when they hit puberty.

When I first started dating my boyfriend, all of the males in my family gave him the much feared "death speech." It was basically them informing him that if he hurts me, he dies; and if he even dares to have a lustful thought about me, he dies even harder. My dad even ventured so far as to say, "There's an in-bounds and an out-of-bounds. I control the out-of-bounds." Sure dad. God forbid I have a free will in the matter.

Why do girls get different treatment regarding sex? Why should girls be hermits, condemned to be virginal until a man should possibly take enough interest in them to want to marry? And why, oh why, should we live by our parents ideals about sex? We've entered the 21st century, boys and girls, and we're going to live our lives how we want to.

Instead of trying to force your children to live by your ideals, you should try to teach them all sides of the story. Let it be their decision. Teach them about condoms, birth control, and STDs. I would rather my children know all of their options than to have them sneak around behind my back - terrified to talk to me - because I have tried to impose my will on them. Let them know all of the consequences of having sex; and let them know that you are always there for them if they need help.

Your kids should not be terrified to come to you for help. If you can't rely on your parents, who can you trust?

* * * * *

Relationships and……….dun dun dun………The Bread winner!

Traditionally, when a man and a woman are in a relationship, the man is the "bread winner." What I would like to know is, who wrote this "law?" Why are men so insecure in their masculinity that it would offend them to no end if their woman made more money than they did? I had a rather curious conversation regarding this exact topic with the two men in my life, my father and my boyfriend.

I am currently going to college to earn a Bachelors Degree in Computer Science. Yeah...I'm a programmer. When - and if - I make it out of college alive, I have the possibility of making a lot of money in my chosen career. My boyfriend, God bless him, is a mechanic. He sees this almost as a stigma because he isn't exactly making a ton of money. I told him about a job opportunity I have directly out of college, then he said it. "You'll be making too much money to want to be with a poor person like me."

What do you say to something like that?? Isn't that the STUPIDEST thing you've ever heard? Money is not everything. Even if I had all the money in the world, it would be nothing to me if I was not happy. And I would not be happy without him. End of story.

So now I know my nerdiness bothers him. Greeeeeeeat. What can I do? I have no idea. So I did what a girl can do when she's confused about men. I went to my dad.

Well my father, in his infinite wisdom, made the situation worse. He agrees with my boyfriend! Dad said he would feel downright offended if my mother made more money than him. He is supposed to be "the breadwinner."