tagHumor & SatireRandy Land Ch. 03

Randy Land Ch. 03


Square Three

The twins awoke with the bright light of dawn. Mister Cane was standing in the kitchen making flapjacks and coffee. Sue padded over to the table and sat down, picking up a flapjack and wolfing it down. Mister Cane laughed and tossed her another one warm off the grill. Billy stretched, stiff and uncomfortable from spending the night in a chair.

Sue ran her fingers through his tousled hair and offered Billy a plate of flapjacks. Mister Cane poured him a mug of coffee. The twins ate quietly, each lost in reflection. Soon it was time to go.

Mister Cane walked with them outside and escorted them to the path. The gangly lumberjack lifted his broad hands and gripped their shoulders. "It was a pleasure Mister Billy, Miss Sue. Before you go, allow me to offer a parting gift."

He unbuttoned his fly and his candy cane snaked out. It grew turgid and pointed into the air with a gentle curve. The gumdrop head swelled. Mister Cane tweaked the stiff rod until he was satisfied, then gripped its base and broke it off with a sudden flick of his wrist.

Sue was startled and gasped aloud, but Mister Cane was quick to reassure her. "Have no fear, Miss Sue. I shall soon grow another. My peppermint whistles used to be in demand. I could hardly make enough of them!" He handed the mint whistle to Sue with a dramatic flourish.

Sue took it and then gave Mister Cane a hug. His body was unyielding and cool; he looked past her with vacant eyes. Sue and Billy walked off down the path, waving goodbye to the curious mint man as they crested the hill. He gave them a last wave, picked up his axe, and turned away. The twins soon heard a tinkling crash followed by a thud. The sounds continued as they walked though mounded drifts of snow, growing ever more quiet until they could hear nothing at all.

As they walked, Sue hummed cheerfully to herself. She examined the prick in her hands which had so recently been attached to Mister Cane. Sue recalled his words: "my peppermint whistles used to be in demand."

"Hmm, what does that mean?" Sue wondered aloud. Sue put the rod in her mouth and blew on it, causing a long, low whistle. Sue whistled again, louder this time, and the sound grew higher pitched. She moved the whistle to and fro, blowing it with sharp bursts and sustained breaths, gauging the tenor of its different sounds.

Billy watched her as they walked. To him it seemed as though Sue was fellating an enormous, invisible man. The sight was comical, but also caused him a pang of envy. Billy now knew precisely what the term "third wheel" meant, and it didn't feel very good. Even so, Billy could not deny the sweet sounds of the Mister Cane's whistle and he enjoyed the music.

Billy wasn't the only one who enjoyed the whistle's call. The twins were soon joined by a bluebird with chubby cheeks and a blunt beak. The merry little fellow soared around their heads, chirping in tune with the whistle. A few more bluebirds flew in, and then a yellow bird, and a trio of red birds. The birds chirped and swooped, creating a riot of color and sound in the air. When Sue stopped whistling, the birds circled thrice and then went on their way.

The path climbed and climbed, rising up a mountainside as they walked. Eventually the path topped a ridge, which circled the mountain. The twins stopped at this overlook. Far beneath them the valley seemed arid and hot. Sandy hills formed a wide desert. Among the hills was a forbidding structure. Its black towers rose high in the air, capped by pointed domes. Burnished red, the domes gleamed in the afternoon sun. Among them circled leathery, cruel-looking creatures.

Sue was chilled by the sight and shuddered. "I hope we don't have to go there," she said, and the twins set off again.

After a time they came upon wooden signs advertising a new road. "Take the new Gumdrop Mountain Bypass!" read one. Another read "In a hurry? Gumdrop Mountain Bypass gets you there in a wink!" The signs were dusty and some had cobwebs. Eventually the twins reached this Gumdrop Mountain Bypass. It was a gaudy thing, flanked by rows of giant plastic gumdrops. The path was paved with plasticky grass. Old leaves piled in its corners. A gust of wind blew and a crumpled candy wrapper rolled down the path like a tumbleweed.

They stopped to examine the bypass and the trail ahead. Billy noticed an abandoned ticket booth some way up the bypass. "This way looks quicker. Besides, there's no one to collect our ticket so we can just walk right on through."

"But Fluffa told us to be open to meeting people along the trail. I think that might be why we are here."

"You're just hoping to find a new fuck toy to cram his cock into you." Billy regretted the words as soon as he said them. Sue looked stunned and tears welled up in her eyes. Billy softened and regarded her with contrition. "I'm sorry, Sis. I didn't sleep very well last night and I am cross. We should take the trail. This path seems far too welcoming, anyway."

Sue was mollified, but only a little. As they walked her sniffles ceased and she grew thoughtful. "Billy, Fluffa said I can only be here because I am deeply curious. But you are here too. So I know you are worried about sex also."

Billy did not answer but his face told Sue she had guessed right. "It must have been hard for you, standing aside while Mister Cane had his way with me. In retrospect it wasn't very sporting of us."

Billy kept his thoughts to himself and the pair trekked on. The trail rose ever higher and the air went from chill to downright cold. Sue and Billy both began to shiver as they trudged through deepening drifts of snow. Worse, evening was coming and there was no shelter in sight. Mister Cane had warned the children not to be out after dark; being thousands of feet in the air on an exposed ridge in deep snow was not the way they wanted to spend the night.

"What are we going to do, Billy?" Sue asked. Trepidation laced her words and she looked about with wide eyes.

"Sis, I don't know. It is far too late to reach Gumdrop Mountain Bypass and there is nothing along the trail below us. We don't have any choice but to push on."

"Do let's hurry. I am getting cold."

Billy came over and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He rubbed her arms to warm her up. The twins hustled along as fast as they could. The evening deepened and the sky took on an indigo cast. Far off along the mountain rage they heard a mournful howl. It was echoed somewhere nearby. Just when they were giving up hope, Billy saw a signpost on the side of the trail that read "Gumdrop Mountain Welcome Center." The wooden finger pointed up the trail.

"Here we go, Sue! What could be better than a Welcome Center!" Invigorated, the duo rushed down the trail, which grew ever more dim as the sun went down. They rounded a bend and saw a glorious sight. The last vestige of the sun dipped behind the mountain range. Silhouetted against the sky was a gumdrop-shaped building. A curved sidewalk lined with ropes led from the trail up a ramp to the entryway. A light was on in a window of the welcome center, casting yellow highlights across the snow caps.

The twins rushed up the ramp and came to massive wooden doors set into the entry arch. Two rounded orbs of brass were set into the door on hinges. Pull tabs were set in the center of each, forming small peaks. Billy pinched the pull tabs in his fingers, hefted the globes, and let them fall against the door with a resounding thud.

From inside came a scurry. The doors opened inward to reveal a large, round chamber. Lamps in the walls filled the room with warm light. Resting on the stone floor were overstuffed sofas and chairs. Bookshelves lined one wall. In the corner was a snack counter.

The doors were opened by a strange woman -- if indeed she was a woman at all. Plump and purple, she had a wide face with rounded cheeks and a nose like a plum. Three springy antennae sprouted from her head, laden with swirly discs. The woman was clad in a ridiculous outfit. Poofy pink bloomers with purple spots were snugged around her waist by a waistband of white satin. It was trimmed with crimson ribbon in crinkly waves. A ruffled white collar engulfed her neck; it too was trimmed in crimson satin. Her bespectacled eyes loomed large within the frames and shone unnaturally. Though she had on bloomers and a collar, the rotund creature was topless. Enormous, pendulous breasts with long nipples swayed beneath the frilly folds of her collar. Dainty lace gloves only served to highlight her nakedness.

"Visitors? Why goodness me. And at this hour!"

She beckoned them into the chamber and shut the door against the chill. "Brrr..." she said as she shivered. Billy noticed that her mulberry nipples stiffened from the cold. The peaks were so taut that he longed to touch them, but he quickly regained his discretion and looked away.

The trio stood staring a moment and then their hostess bustled into action. "I am Miss Jollies, the Official Greeter of Gumdrop Mountain. Well, unofficial, really. The jolly chap that used to run this place was mysteriously taken away without any explanation at all." She stared at the ceiling for a moment in a bemused reverie and shuddered, then turned to them. "Welcome to the welcome center! May I offer you some hot chocolate?"

Miss Jollies hurried behind the snack counter and fiddled with the hot water percolator. It whirred a bit and then sparked, sending a puff of smoke skyward. "Oh. Damn," Miss Jollies said, and put her hands on the counter. She stared at the two with her strangely whirling eyes. "I don't receive many visitors. Ever since that goddamned bypass opened up, no one comes this way anymore."

"That's okay, Miss Jollies," said Sue. "Do you have anything to eat or drink? I admit we are hungry, and cold. We were nearly trapped on the mountain and we have walked a long way."

"My oh my, you poor dears. Why yes, I have something for you. And as for being cold, why don't you join me in the lounge? There is a nice fire going there."

She ushered them into another room with overstuffed sofas and chairs, and bookshelves lining the walls. Billy looked from one room to the other. "Isn't this... the same as the other room?"

"Don't be silly, dear. This is the lounge. That was the waiting room."

Billy and Sue took seats in front of a roaring fire and felt the cold melt away. Sue took off her knee socks and hung them to dry by the fire. Billy did the same with his pants, which were soaked from the knees down.

Miss Jollies brought them a tray with warmish tea and crackers, plus dried fruit and some gumdrops. The twins ate them up ravenously. Miss Jollies watched them with a mixture of curiosity and concern.

"Thank you!" Billy said when they had finished, "that hit the spot."

"I'm so glad. Now if I may ask, who are you and what brings you this way?"

"I am Billy, and this is Sue." Sue whispered and Billy amended his introduction. "That is to say, I am Prince Billy and this is Princess Sue. We are looking for King Candy."

"Royalty, even! My, this is a queer evening. King Candy, you say? He has not been this way since the ribbon cutting ceremony. That was some time ago."

The trio fell into an awkward silence while Miss Jollies stared into space beyond them. At great length she spoke again. "Some time ago to be sure." Her sudden comment caused the twins to start in their seats and Miss Jollies focused on them.

"Oh. Sorry. You must forgive me... I am so high right now. I wasn't even sure you were real at first."

Sue and Billy looked at each other in surprise. Sue's eyes were filled with questions, but Billy could only shrug. "That's okay, we know our arrival was unexpected. What were you doing?"

"Gumdrops, naturally. Oh, not like the ones I gave you just now. These are special gumdrops from atop the mountain. They will get you right, make no mistake."

Miss Jollies reached into a box on her side table and pulled out a couple of gumdrops. They swirled with eerie translucence. "Would you like to try? One or two won't do any harm."

The twins struggled to decide and finally Billy gave in. "What the hell," he said, and popped the magic gumdrop into his mouth. It dissolved on his tongue and left a faint herbal taste behind. Sue followed suit and popped a gumdrop as well.

Shortly the twins relaxed and sunk deeper into their chairs. The colors in the room intensified and time seemed to slow. Sue felt like the walls of the room were expanding and contracting simultaneously. But when she focused on a wall, it became normal again. Billy was keyed up. His mind was racing with strange thoughts and urges. He felt his reticence and compunctions fade away. The rude thoughts he might otherwise suppress bubbled to the forefront of his mind.

Miss Jollies watched them with interest and then repeated her earlier question. "Now that we're settled in, who are you and what brings you this way?"

Billy sighed and glanced over at his sister. "Sue is going to college soon so we went on a stroll together through the woods. Sue began to cry because she is worried about going to college and not knowing about sex. I can't help her because I haven't had sex either. Girls back off when things get heavy."

Sue piped up. "Then Fluffa took us here. We dallied with him awhile and he told us to find King Candy. He said we could help you and help ourselves at the same time."

Miss Jollies seemed pleased and leaned forward, staring intently at the children with whirling eyes. "How lovely! As it happens, I might be able to help the both of you. You see, this is a lonely place and I have plenty of time on my hands. I've devoted a fair bit of that time to sexual exploration."

Miss Jollies waved her arm to indicate the bookshelves. Sue got up and looked around. The shelves were stacked full of erotica. Tawdry titles of every description lined the walls. Sue picked one up and looked at the cover. Fifty Tints of Pink.

"Oh, put that one back. It isn't very good."

Billy watched Miss Jollies and saw that she was tugging absentmindedly at her own nipples. She pinched and rolled the hard nubs between her gloved forefinger and thumb. "Miss Jollies, did our visit interrupt anything?" Billy tilted his head pointedly and stared at her pinched nipples.

His question brought a rosy glow to her cheeks. "As a matter of fact, Prince Billy, I was about to entertain myself when you arrived. You see, I have learned one trick above all others which really makes sex wonderful."

Miss Jollies had them on the hook and she knew it. Sue stopped browsing the shelves to listen and Billy leaned in closer to her.

"Would you like to know what it is?" The twins nodded. "Delayed gratification."

"Huh?" Billy asked eloquently. He'd been expecting a technique or a position. To him, her answer was far too vague to make sense.

"It's like this. If you go to a birthday party and there is candy everywhere, free for the taking, you eat it up like greedy little monsters, right? And you don't appreciate it. You might even get sick from it. But say you have to save up your pennies to buy candy from the store. You have to walk a mile or two to get it, and then you have to wait to eat it until after supper when the chores are done. When you finally taste that candy, you savor every nibble. You make it last as long as you can, and it tastes far sweeter."

Billy and Sue both nodded in agreement. "But Miss Jollies," asked Sue, "How is buying candy the same as having sex?"

"Well, I have been readying myself for some time now. Weeks, in fact. Reading a sexy book here, petting myself there, all the while knowing that I would make myself cum eventually. And that orgasm will make me see stars. Tonight I was about to... well, eat the candy from the store, so to speak."

Billy and Sue sat back in their chairs, regretting that they had interrupted Miss Jollies. "If you want, we can leave you alone," Sue said kindly. "Just show us a place to sleep and we'll be out of your way."

But Miss Jollies continued to tug her nipples as she stared at the mint whistle sitting next to Sue on the couch. She licked her lips and her eyes whirled faster. "Actually, Princess Sue, I'm glad you're here. Sex is almost always better when others are involved. And if I may say so, that is one amazing cane you have there! Would you mind terribly... that is, I should very much like to try it."

The gumdrop had taken hold by now and Sue was very relaxed, though keyed up too. "Miss Jollies, you want me to fuck you with my mint whistle?"

An electric charge went through the room. Miss Jollies drew a sharp breath and Billy sat upright. Sue lifted the mint rod and stroked its gleaming sides. She pursed her lips and planted a kiss on its head. "Is this what you want? You want me to fill you up with this thick peppermint prick?"

As though in a trance, Sue stood up and walked over to Miss Jollies. Sue grasped her gloved hand and lifted the creature. Miss Jollies shucked down her voluminous polka-dot bloomers, stepped out of them, and bent over. She seemed comfortable that way, just standing in the middle of the room, ass in the air and tits swaying.

Sue stepped behind the purple lady and examined her rear. "I see what you mean, Miss Jollies. Why, your pussy is positively soaked!" Sue ran the tip of the cane over the dark labia in front of her, which were shining wet. Miss Jollies shuddered in delight.

Sue's voice took on an authoritative tone. "I just might fuck you with this nice, thick rod -- as long as you agree to let us stay the night, and feed us well. Also, my brother and I need to know everything there is to know about the path ahead and what to look out for."

"Yes, Princess Sue. Anything you say."

"In that case..." Sue said, and then shoved the mint whistle between Miss Jollies' cuntfolds. Miss Jollies gasped with pleasure and rocked back to meet the plunging prick. Sue diddled the cane back and forth, pulling it almost out of Miss Jollies' pussy before sliding it back in. The cane was only half way in and hadn't bottomed out so Sue pushed it in even deeper. Just when she thought it couldn't possibly all fit, Miss Jollies sighed as the peppermint cock reached the end of her slot. Sue left it there for a time, letting her acclimate.

A good four inches was still protruding from Miss Jollies' mulberry twat. There was a hole in the middle of the stub where Mister Cane's frosting cum had originated, and now it made beautiful music. On a whim, Sue bent down, wrapped her lips around the base of the shaft, and blew on it hard. From deep inside Miss Jollies came a tremor of sound and a muted squeak; she yelped with delight at the vibrations. Sue gripped the fuckstick and eased it out slowly, letting the mushroom prickhead catch every groove inside of Miss Jollies on its way out.

Billy watched his sister in awe as she fucked Miss Jollies. He couldn't keep his eyes from the enormous purple globes swaying inches from the ground. Miss Jollies caught him looking and beckoned to him. "Don't just sit there, you silly boy. Don't you have a cane for me too?"

Billy looked around in confusion and then understood. He rose from his seat. Miss Jollies stared at the bulge in his underpants. Billy walked towards her and stopped a couple of feet away. Miss Jollies reached up, hooked her thumbs in Billy's waistband, and tugged the briefs down. Billy's cock sprang free and bobbed in her face.

Miss Jollies reached behind him, cupped his buttocks, and pulled him into her wide open mouth. Her tongue was so wide and so flat that Miss Jollies was able to completely encircle his cock with it. His prick was a hot dog and her tongue was the bun.

Billy grunted with this new sensation. His cock had never felt so completely wet and warm before. Miss Jollies rolled her tongue tight around his shaft and then bobbed her head back and forth. Her nubby taste buds massaged his cockshaft as she slid her tongue along it. The sensitive underside of his glans felt particularly wonderful.

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