Raw Ch. 02

I shook my head in agreement.

"You can feel the heat of the other person, even if they aren't touching you, and your first instinct is to touch them. That is normal. However, dominant partners want to curtail that reaction. They want to train you to only touch when they allow it. It's usually their first rule. But the rest of them? They should be mutually agreed-upon. Not something he demands and you are unwilling to submit to. Which means it has to be discussed openly. And practiced."

I nursed my beer to stop myself from saying I already knew that part. That the lack of that communication had been the downfall of my time with Brian.

"I'm not saying the dominant partner should always restrict your natural reactions. To never let you touch him is unfair to you. Especially when you want more than just a BDSM relationship. You want the vanilla mixed in, from what I gathered of your earlier discussion with Drake. Your dominant partner needs to understand that, and to incorporate it into your play."

I felt like a bobble-head doll. What he was saying was good. Helpful. Any little piece of advice could be taken away and used for the future. Even if that was just to learn to listen and not talk back. I wasn't in my element. I had to understand that in order to embrace being a submissive, I had to accept that I would not be in charge.

"It will depend on the partner you're with, but kink and vanilla aren't usually combined in the same scene." Malcolm rested his elbow on the back of the couch and propped his head in his hand. "Most likely, you will find a partner who will not let you touch him through an entire scene. But your reward during aftercare should be to allow you that indulgence. It's something you need from a relationship—even one as play partners—therefore it should be given to you. But when it is withheld, don't think of it as just a control issue on his part. His ego getting in the way. It can be highly arousing for you as well. To delay the inevitable."

A shudder ran through me. Good Lord, was this man inside my head?

"If you're willing, I'd like to spend more time helping you learn to manage your emotions. To not react immediately just because your body wants to."

I glanced at Drake. He was smiling at me. This could be the best or the worst decision I'd made all weekend. Which was saying a lot since I'd willingly gone back to a virtual stranger's place and allowed him to ravish me senseless forty-eight hours ago.

I locked eyes with Malcolm again. "That would be wonderful. Thank you."

Casual conversation ensued after that with the guys discussing some sport show they'd recently watched. Daphne took my hand and led me out of the room.

"Come, help me make lunch."

I followed her to the kitchen and took a seat on a barstool at the island. "So, how long have you been with my brother?"

She giggled and glanced over her shoulder at me while she opened the fridge. "A few months now. He's really sweet for being a Master. Like Malcolm."

"The way I understand the dynamic, a Master has a slave. Are you Drake's slave?" I set my bottle down on the marble, the hollow sound loud as it echoed. Very unlike my head at the moment with all my questions.

"In a way, yes. But 'only in the bedroom,' as they say. Outside of a scene, we're just a normal dating couple. Or as normal as two kinky people can be."

I nodded. "I'm not going to ask you to divulge anything. Honestly, I don't really want to think about my brother having sex. But can I ask if you enjoy it? Is he good to you?"

Daphne set the fixings for sandwiches on the counter and took my free hand in hers, squeezing it. "He's absolutely wonderful. I've never met a more caring dominant male. Besides Malcolm that is. Drake treats me like a princess, inside and outside the bedroom. And yes, the sex is phenomenal."

"Good." I reached for the bread, a knife, and the jar of mayonnaise. As I spread the dressing on eight slices, I let out a long sigh. "I'm new to this. I think I know what I want, I'm just unable to put it into words. Does that make sense?"

"I think you're doing just fine. Just give it time. Malcolm said you had your first experience Saturday. I'm sorry it didn't go as well as you expected."

"Thanks. It was kind of spontaneous. But I enjoyed it for the most part. It was...enlightening. And I when I knew there was something off, something I was missing, I ended it. It was hard. But I couldn't see myself living up to his...rules."

"Malcolm is the best candidate to help you sort through those ideas. Trust me."

"Really now?" I raised my eyebrows.

My shoulders hunched up, and I knew right away what Malcolm had meant. When dealt with conflict, I tensed up immediately without thinking. And why was I reacting in such a way? I knew less about Malcolm than I did Brian, and I was getting jealous already? Maybe it was the ease that Daphne moved through his house. As if she were a frequent or even long-term visitor.

"Oh my goodness! I'm sorry, Becca. I didn't mean to imply we'd been a couple. He trained Drake years ago. I met Drake at a munch—a gathering of kinky people for snacks and chitchat—about a month before we hooked up. I had had a bad experience, too. Drake brought me here to Malcolm, and Malcolm helped the two of us overcome some of my issues. We're all just good friends. What I'm trying to say is, Malcolm is good at what he does. Don't doubt him."

"Quite alright." I shook my shoulders and helped her finish assembling the sandwiches. "I can see what he means by me needing to relax more. And not just in a scene."

Any help Malcolm could give me would be appreciated. I wondered how much time I had before he moved on to the next girl he was training. Daphne may not have been one of his partners, and Drake had said Malcolm was currently unpartnered. But for how long? Was he even available for an extended period? Who knew how long this could take.

###

After lunch, we returned to the basement. Drake and Daphne disappeared through the curtain, his hand on her back as it had been on mine when we'd first arrived. I smiled sadly, knowing what they were going to do. Malcolm distracted me from my thoughts and had me sit in the chair again.

"I thought it best if we spend some time alone. Maybe it will help you relax without your brother observing."

"I'm willing to try anything, Sir."

"Good. Close your eyes, Lady Becca. When you feel the desire to touch me, don't. Tell me instead. No need to be ashamed. Just be honest. Okay?"

"Yes, Sir." I shook my head and moved my shoulders around a bit. "I'm ready."

Master Malcolm stood behind the chair and placed his hands on my head. His fingers lightly stroked my hair, massaging my scalp. I sighed and went to lean into his touch when I stopped myself.

"Now."

"Good girl." He massaged harder.

I whimpered and went to lean into him again. "Now."

"Hmm mm."

His hands left my head, and I felt heat near my right cheek. "Now."

The heat was on my left side now. Just as I was turning my head that direction, I whispered, "Now."

For the next hour or so, Master Malcolm tested my reactions in a similar fashion. Him barely touching, me resisting to lean into the touch.

I laughed when he told me to stand up, bend over, and put my hands on the chair. But my laugh turned into quiet moans as he pressed up against me. I couldn't deny I was getting aroused. I wondered if this session was affecting him as well. Although I was sure he was used to doing this with other women he'd trained, and he was capable of controlling his own reactions.

As promised, I signed each one of Malcolm's copies of my books before Drake took me back to his place. We were both quiet on the drive. I wondered if he was thinking about what all we'd discussed today...or if his mind was on Lady Daphne.

I looked out the window and smiled. Either way, I was in a much better mood.

###

Tuesday morning after breakfast, Drake asked if I wanted to go back to see Malcolm. I didn't need to think twice. Daphne had another engagement, so Drake sat in one of the padded chairs and observed again. This time, I mostly forgot he was there as Master Malcolm and I spent the morning practicing how to keep my natural reactions restrained while music played in the background.

It was a lot of repetition from the day before, but I could see the method to his madness. Start with the baby steps and conquer those first. I shuddered when I wondered how far this would progress. Like was I expected to get naked in front of Master Malcolm at some point?

We broke for lunch, returned to training, and then stopped mid-afternoon for the day.

We continued the routine the rest of the week. Sometimes Lady Daphne joined us and gave me pointers when she didn't disappear through the black curtains with my brother. I wondered what was on the other side. I never heard them, so there must have been another room that could be closed off.

On Friday, the four of us stayed through to the evening. We ordered in pizza and chatted in the Star Wars den about our week together. I had been enjoying my time away from work, even though I'd gotten frustrated with myself repeatedly at the beginning for not being able to control what my body wanted to do.

Malcolm said he was impressed at my improvement. Drake was proud of me for sticking with it. Daphne was hopeful that I'd find someone new quickly. Me? I was horny as hell after having a handsome man such as Malcolm touching me through my clothes for five days.

They all emphasized that the type of man I chose as a partner would play a big role in my own success as a submissive. While there were a plethora of levels of experience and styles of kink, finding the right combination in a partner was key. As I'd quickly discovered with Brian. Experience aside, he had held similar interests as I desired, but he was missing other elements that were crucial for me to be comfortable in the relationship.

Eventually, we all hugged and parted ways. I drove back into the city that night. I couldn't believe it had been a week since my first BDSM sexual experience. I missed it. I had stayed fully-clothed during my sessions with Master Malcolm, although that had not prevented him from touching other parts of my body to gauge my reactions and thus learn what areas I needed more control of...well, controlling.

After five days of being subjected to this strange but quite beneficial training, I was quite frustrated. I had not had any release while at Master Malcolm's home. And I had not had the guts to try to find it at Drake's place. So I had gone without.

I returned home to the silence of my condo. It was comfortable. Familiar. Yet empty. I made a bee-line to my bedroom to get some relief, but the flashing red light on my answering machine stopped me.

I stumbled back as I saw the number seven lit up beside it. No one had this number but Sue and my family. Surely she hadn't given my number to anyone. Alex never called, my mother only did for emergencies, and Drake, well, he had no reason to call either.

I grabbed a pen, the pad of scratch paper I always kept nearby, and dragged a chair from the dining room table over. I expected the worst. Had something happened to someone in my family while I'd been exploring my sexuality? I really should get out of the dark ages and get a cell phone or at least caller ID.

With a shaky finger, I pressed the button to play the messages.

"Becca, this is Sue. I got your message. Hope you're enjoying your time off. Give me a buzz when you get back. I'd like to see what your thoughts are for your next novel...unless you're going into early retirement." There was a cackle of a laugh before she continued. "But seriously, call me."

I deleted the message with a soft smile and made a note to call Sue, the pen tapping against the paper nervously as I waited for the next message to start.

"Hey, Becca, it's Sue again. I know you like to write what you want to write, but a ghostwriting proposal came across my desk. Let me know if you'd be interested in that. Bye."

I jotted down "ghostwriting?" beside her name and deleted the message.

"Sue again. Forget about the ghostwriting. I talked more to the author and it's a biography. I figured you'd want to stay away from that. But I would still like to know if that's an option for the future. Later."

I crossed out my last note, another message deleted.

"Becca, I know you're going to block my number eventually, but it's Sue again. Instead of calling me when you get back, stop by the office on Saturday. You've got some mail, and we can do lunch. I want to hear about your interview. Take care."

I scribbled out my first note and wrote "pick up mail/Sue lunch Saturday" beside it. Message deleted.

"Speaking of your interview... I wasn't going to say anything, but I've had fifteen calls from Mr. Hughes. He's been insistent to get in touch with you. Don't worry, I didn't give him your number. But he gave me his so you can call him. I really want to hear about this interview now. He was one good looking man, if I do say so myself. Too bad I'm married. You go girl! Ciao!"

My hand trembled as I took in her words. Fifteen calls? Was he insane? We'd explained the whole chasing versus stalking scenario. Did he not understand he was on the verge of the latter? Whatever did he want? No, wait, I knew that answer. And it gave me chills. Not the good ones, either.

I deleted the message. I would have to think about how I would respond to that one.

"Hey, sis, it's Drake. I know you're not home yet, but I wanted to let you know I really enjoyed our week together. I miss spending time with you. I should come into the city one of these weekends and we'll paint the town. I could take you to a few darker clubs, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I hope you made it home safe, and I'm glad you felt comfortable opening up to me like you did. You know I'm always just a call away if you ever need me. Love you. Bye."

I smiled and sat back, although my shoulders were still hunched with tension. Just hearing my brother's voice calmed me down some. But there was one more message left.

My finger hovered over the button. Should I listen or should I just delete it? I closed my eyes, waved my finger, and pressed.

"It's me again," Drake's voice said from the technological abyss. "Do me a favor this weekend, okay? Go out and get a cell phone. I understand you like your privacy, but this is getting ridiculous. Get a plan where you can block numbers. Call me if you have any questions."

I added one final note to my list to buy a phone. Not knowing what else to do, I took a long, hot shower, trying to drive out my thoughts with the stinging streams of water.

The sheets were cool as I slid between them, completely naked. I tried to sleep; I was exhausted. But I kept thinking about this week. Last weekend.

With my eyes closed, I caressed my breasts. I moved my hands down to stroke the rest of my body until my fingers played over my clit, spreading my moisture around. Visions of Brian's boudoir filled my head. Of his kinky contraption. Of how I'd been handcuffed to the bed while he'd made me come over and over again.

I shuddered on the brink as I remembered our last encounter. How he'd left me wanting and without release. Then my mental picture changed to visions of what I had hoped would have happened. They morphed into my time with Master Malcolm. How he had barely touched me and I'd wanted to come undone.

I came then. It didn't compare to what Brian had been able to extract from me, but it sufficed for now. I slept peacefully that night, curled into a ball of coital bliss after my body relaxed from the long-awaited erotic shudders.

###

"So tell me all about Mr. Hughes," Sue said as soon as I stepped into her office late Saturday morning.

I felt the heat in my cheeks and scrambled for some composure. "It was an interview. Very professional for the most part. He agreed not to divulge my identity. I think it went well, but we'll have to see how he spins the article."

She winked at me. "He obviously took a liking to you."

"Yes, I heard. Fifteen calls? Seriously, Sue?" It was a struggle not to roll my eyes. She had no idea the interest he had taken.

"Just call him, okay? Get him off my back." Sue grabbed her purse and sunglasses. "I'll drive. You talk."

Two hours later, I was back home perusing over the brainstorming we had done at lunch...when I wasn't playing with my new iPhone. Sue wanted me to try a new genre and write under my own name again. Maybe do another series. I had clamped my mouth shut on the idea that popped into my head of writing my own 'Fifty Shades' novel based on my experience with Brian...published under a pseudonym, of course.

I kept glancing at the slip of paper she had given me with seven digits printed on it. What would I say if I called him? Would I let him talk me into returning to his brownstone? Did I really want to go back? Was there something in my subconscious that was telling me what he was offering was what I really did want, despite what I had said to Drake and Malcolm?

After trying to watch a movie for an hour but not really finding it interesting, I tossed the remote aside and picked up the phone.

I paced as the line rang on the other side. After six rings, I was ready to hang up when he answered.

"This is Brian Hughes. How may I help you?"

Just the sound of his voice made me stand still. Made my legs shake for a moment. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "Brian, it's Becca. Becca Rockland."

There was silence for a moment. I could swear I heard him cuss under his breath. Great. This had been a bad idea. I should just hang up now before—

"Thank you for returning my calls, Becca. I wanted to apologize."

I sat down heavily in a chair by the window. I had definitely not been expecting that. "Okay."

"I would like to talk in person. I can pick you up."

Why had my throat suddenly shrunk? I gulped for breath and shook my head. "No, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Talking?"

"Being near you. I can't think." I could imagine him smiling at that. I'd just admitted I'd let him get under my skin. I was so stupid.

"Please, Becca. Just hear me out."

I stared out the window, watching a couple walk by below on the sidewalk, his arm around her shoulder as she leaned into him. That. That's what I wanted. A real relationship with someone. Kinky in the bedroom, like Drake and Daphne, but vanilla the rest of the time. Was Brian capable of that? I would never know unless I asked. Maybe if we talked it out...

"Becca?"

"Fine. We can meet. In public. Tell me where and when."

He sighed. He'd won a small battle, and I knew that he knew it. He gave me the name of a restaurant and a time. As soon as he hung up, I dialed Drake.

"I need a huge favor," I said before he finished saying hello.

"Becca? Is everything okay?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. Brian wants to meet and talk. I need backup."

"Of course. Anything you need. Are you sure you want to do this?"

"He apologized, Drake. I'm not promising I'll concede to his demands, but I feel I have to hear him out." I relayed the details of our meeting and heard him groan. "What's wrong?"

"I can't tonight. I'm sorry."

"Oh. Well, I could call him back and reschedule."

"No, don't reschedule. You need resolution. Let me make a phone call and I'll call you back, okay?"

I stared at the clothes in my closet while I waited for Drake as if the hangers held any answers to my problem. The two times I'd met with Brian, I'd been wearing a skirt and then a dress. I needed to downplay my sexuality. Literally be comfortable in my own clothes.

I tossed my decision on the bed and stripped to take a shower. The light was blinking on my machine when I stepped out of the bathroom thirty minutes later. There was some static as if he were driving and kept losing reception, but I got the gist of the message from Drake.