Razor Ch. 04

The boundless energy thing that I'd kept going for years wasn't quite working anymore, it felt like life was slowly catching up despite the fact that I was still running, helping, doing, fixing, building at what seemed like maximum capacity. Maybe I was just feeling a bit down because I hadn't done anything really new and creative in a while. I had reached a point where there just weren't enough hours of the day to spend on the things I wanted to, in addition to the ones I needed to; there were just too many things that had to be handled. And perhaps the day had finally come where there was just no more space on my bow for any new strings.

I suppose talking to William about my life might have helped create this new "the walls are closing in" feeling, or perhaps it was the frustration of not being allowed to finish, to not be able to tell someone about the rest of my life. It felt like I needed to air my memories and thoughts, like some sort of spoken memoir thing. Dear William had asked one of the clinic's assistants to call me and cancel my appointments a couple of days after our last meeting. I wasn't surprised, but I had to admit that I was disappointed, he had after all promised.

William's girls and the way they had been treated troubled me more than I thought it ever would. They seemed to have become important cogs in my somewhat self-centered engine of happiness. After what he'd told me, I just knew I had to do something about the school and Ms Roberts, to stop the angry and worried thought processes that had been started inside of me, because they were quite frankly consuming to much processing capacity.

I wondered if I should have somehow informed William about my investigations concerning Ms Roberts, and what I was planning to do about the problem, but I shook that thought off, what was left of my pride told me not to bother trying to get him to talk to me, and my wish not to hurt him told me to back off completely.

William... I missed him already. He hadn't been online in more than two weeks, and I hadn't seen him in person since he told me to go away almost a week ago. The pain of separation was mixed with feelings of being rejected, even if that sounded a bit too much like a line from a silly romantic story. I really didn't like the weakness and vulnerability I felt when I thought about never seeing him again. And for god's sake, there really wasn't anything particularly special about him.

No, there really wasn't anything special about him at all... except the fact that I loved him. Nothing special except the fact that he was the only exception to more than one of my life's many self-generated rules. I loved him, despite the fact that he would never be able to accept and love me; there were just too many things that stood between us. Really righteous people never mixed well with unrepentant sinners, and he was as good as a person could possibly be, and yeah me, I was just me.

I was shaken and stirred, like a half-assed cocktail concoction, something that tasted like shit but had your panties off in about half-an-hour; if you ever wore panties, that is. The way I was feeling was getting a bit too serious, I couldn't quite laugh it off with a bad joke anymore. And added to all those strange and new feelings was an almost all-consuming tiredness, probably because I had started getting memory flashes, and the bad dreams had begun to stalk me through the nights again.

After yet another night tossing and turning, not in a good way, my phone woke me up and I answered with a grumpy "What?"

"Hey, don't bite my head off!" a laughing voice answered.

"Sean," I answered whilst stretching "you know I'd never do anything to any of your body parts. Thick-headed police officers don't do it for fragile princesses with tiny mouths, you know..."

"I'm not even going to ask what head you're really talking about..." Sean answered with an exasperated laughter.

"Mmmm... better not..." I answered "so, what's up? And just so you know, that's a subject change..."

"Yeah... moving on..." Sean answered, still laughing before quickly turning serious "I think we might have a problem at the gym, but I need your help to figure it out. We've got a few new volunteers to help with the self-defense classes, because of more and more women wanting our help. But there are too many drop-outs... and my gut feeling is telling me that there's something wrong."

"Right," I answered "any beginner's class I can try my best to fit into?"

"Way ahead of you," Sean answered "there's a big info and intro class today, in two hours. I'll be there, and Anthony and Mike. And I've asked our three new volunteers to be there too."

"Okay," I answered "I'll be there. Look for the shy girl in the corner."

"Yep, I've seen you do it before, remember?" Sean grumbled "It really creeps me out, makes me wonder who you really are."

"I'm Alpha and Omega baby; as in - I'm only in it for the Ahhhhhhs and Ohhhhhhs." I answered with a short laugh.

"You're a sick person, scary Mary, you truly are." Sean answered before hanging up.

"In more ways than you'll ever know." I whispered in answer to the silent phone.

* * * * *

Free of charge self-defense classes for women had been a wish, or more like a dream, that I'd had for years, but it wasn't until I had met Mary four years ago that I managed to turn the dream into reality. She had helped me find a gym that supported the idea and helped sponsor the classes, and she'd somehow found the first group of women.

I had found volunteers in the police force, people I knew I could trust, men and women with personal stories that were similar to mine. There was a surprising amount of police officers who had known violence and abuse from a young age. Or perhaps it wasn't all that strange? We all had good reasons for standing up for "the little guy", we all knew that every little act of human kindness mattered.

The classes had become almost too popular these last few months, and I had been forced to look for more help outside my circle of trusted friends. I hoped I wouldn't have to regret doing so. I hoped Mary wouldn't find any problems with any of the three young men - all police officers - who seemed to have their hearts in the right place. Sometimes people just weren't what they seemed to be, but based on what I knew about Mary, she wouldn't let herself be fooled by innocent smiles and police academy t-shirts.

I looked at the rather large group of women who had gathered for information about our classes and a quick introduction with some simple ways to protect yourself against an attacker. I scanned all of the women and saw the angry, the sad and the frightened. But I couldn't see Mary anywhere? "Look for the shy girl in the corner" she had said. In one of the corners there were two angry-looking women and in the other corner was a girl, years younger than Mary, her hair a dark brown color, done up in braids, her eyes turned down towards the floor, with glasses that kept sliding down her nose. She wore a pink long-sleeved t-shirt and black jazz pants that licked her body, showing off curves that would have normally had me gasping for breath, but that now only made me worry for her, because her shy, insecure movements, with nervous hands pulling at the arms of her t-shirt, teeth biting her lower lip and glances thrown at the women around her made me want to place myself in front of her and protect her against every single person in that room.

I shook my head when I realized my mind was starting to sound a bit like Mary. I ran my eyes across everyone once more and began to worry that she wouldn't be able to make it. The last time Mary had helped me find a rotten egg she had come dressed as her usual self, but with everything that was even remotely Mary-like wiped off, leaving an insecure person who spoke in a whisper, hands in her pockets, shoulders high, looking like she'd run away if someone as much as spoke to her. That was what I was expecting, and that was something I couldn't find anywhere in the room. I cursed and decided to start the information part of the one-and-a-half-hour class, even though she hadn't come as she promised.

"Alright everybody, gather round!" I started and looked up with a smile to greet everyone.

Someone had once told me that I could rule the world with my smile, but I only knew that women seemed to relax when I smiled, and that was good enough for me. The shy, curvy woman from the corner came walking closer and gave me an insecure smile, which almost had me choking on my next words. Sweet Jesus, it was Mary after all!

I somehow managed to get through what I needed to say without messing things up, and without staring at my friend for more than a few seconds. Where the hell did all those curves come from?

The class continued with hands-on instructions given in three separate areas of the room, with three separate sets of protective movements for three different types of attack. The women were divided into three groups that would go from zone to zone learning as much as possible, with twenty minutes for each set.

After one last look at Mary I concentrated on trying to teach the smaller group of women in front of me how to get out of a chokehold, first by demonstrating on Mike then by pairing the girls up and showing and correcting, talking and cheering everyone on.

Mary was in the last group that circled back to me, and there was nothing about her that made me think she'd found anything worth finding. I didn't know if I should curse or cheer, but just as we were ending the final set, Mary walked up to me and spoke with a low voice.

"You've got two rotten ones and one that's solid gold." she said "The two bad ones are teaming up on the girls, doing a twisted bad cop, good cop thing, first scaring and then pretend-caring. And there's a lot of touching up action from both of them, hidden behind both harsh corrections and sweeter instructions. And they switch, first dickhead A was the sweet talker then dickhead B. And then you have the keeper, who kept his eyes on the dickheads, and talked to the girls who'd been molested. And yeah, as you can tell he's pretty angry about their behavior..."

Angry was just the beginning, I thought before I called everyone to order. When everyone settled down I started talking, barely controlling the rage that heated my blood and made my eyesight go slightly blurry. Somehow I managed to control my voice so I wouldn't scare the women that had come to us for help.

"This is where we usually summarize what we've told you and invite you to come back again, to learn more about defending yourself. I usually round off by saying that I wish to God you didn't have to learn, that I wish we lived in a world where men knew right from wrong. I usually tell everyone that we - your teachers today - work very hard to build that better world for you, for us. But today I can't really say that, and that makes me sad, and mad..." I said, my voice turning slightly dark and tense in the end. "Today I have learnt that two of our teachers have been mistreating the women they were set to help. And that is... I can't even begin to describe how angry that makes me..."

I pointed at the idiots and nodded to my friends who gathered them up and started guiding them out of the room. They didn't argue but walked silently out of there.

"My clothes are covered by a fluorescent material that will be visible in the dark. It's an invention made by... one of my friends." Mary said "The scumbags particularly liked my breast and ass areas, and there should be plenty evidence on them. I think you should go take a look. Bring golden boy, I want to talk to the ladies alone for a while."

I walked out and made the golden boy, Simon, know that I wanted him to join me. Perhaps he could help me keep my temper at bay, because I wasn't sure that seeing glow in the dark evidence that the two dickheads had touched my friend would be entirely good for me, or rather... them.

I heard Mary as she started talking to the group of women with her usual warm and friendly voice and I knew she'd be able to calm the upset feelings in the room better than I'd ever be able to.

* * * * *

I looked at the upset women in front of me and I could feel their anger and their hurt. Expecting to learn enough to finally feel safe and then ending up feeling even less secure than you did just over an hour ago, that would be a hard blow for all of them.

I would need to calm them and give them something to think about, so they would see that learning self-defense was a step in the right direction. I took a few steps closer to them and removed the last parts of the insecure persona I had assumed as I walked into the gym just over an hour ago. I hadn't used my acting skills in a really long time, but it seemed that I hadn't quite lost the ability.

"Hello," I started "I thought I should introduce myself and tell you a little bit about what happened here today. My name is Mary and I was asked by my friend, Sean, to come here and try to figure out if any of the teachers were doing bad deeds instead of good, because he felt that something wasn't quite right. I have a special skill set in that area, simply put, I'm very good at finding out things about people. I don't like the word myself, but I'm what some TV shows would call a profiler. As you heard my good friend Sean tell you, there were two scumbags amongst the teachers today."

I paused and looked at them, the general mood ranging between upset and angry, with a few still scared girls in the mix.

"But we've all met scumbags before haven't we? So finding out that there's yet another pair of them isn't really a big shock, is it? The upsetting part is that the scumbags happened to be police officers, and that they purposely pretended to want to help. But if you think about it for a short while, you'll probably realize that that's not really so strange either, since one thing that is very much connected with predatory behavior is the wish to find a place with easy access to new victims."

I looked at the women and saw that I had their attention.

"I was once told by a psychologist that 'the victim in me brings out the predator in the attacker', and I thought that was a really shitty thing to say. Needless to say, I never saw that particular psychologist anymore, but after giving it a lot of thought, I slowly realized there was some truth to what he was saying. But before you get all upset, allow me to illustrate. I'm going to ask some of you to come stand beside me, is that ok? Never mind that it feels silly or awkward. Remember, it's just us women here now, right?"

I started pointing and signaling to four of the women who were standing in front of me.

"Right, if you look at us all standing next to each other, you'll notice that we don't have much in common, we come in all sizes, all ages, all hair-colors; we're completely different from one another. We do however have one thing in common today, and that is the fact that we were all molested by the two scumbags, we all became victims."

The girls around me nodded and looked at each other, probably thinking "why".

"Anyone else?" I asked "Was there someone I missed?"

One more woman joined us to stand in front of the other ones.

"Would you be surprised if I told you that we actually do have one thing that sets us apart from the rest of the group?" I continued asking.

I saw heads nodding and whispered conversations start up in the group in front of us.

"What all of us did in one way or another was to use body language that signaled that we were uncertain or uncomfortable, in various degrees, me more than most. And the fact is that the more we show our insecurities and our fear on the outside the more likely we are to be considered a victim in the eyes of one specific type of attacker. So it's really more like 'the potential victim in us' that signal to people with predatory tendencies."

I looked at the women who were standing around me. They were all upset, which wasn't very strange, but I hoped the point I was trying to make would seem much clearer in just a few seconds.

"Self-defense classes will help you in two ways. They will teach you how to protect yourself in case you're attacked. But they will also remove some of your uncertainty and fear, and that will in turn make you much less of a potential victim."

The woman beside me whispered a low "ohhh" and I looked at her and nodded, then gestured to the women that they could join their friends in front of me.

"There are several different types of assailants, of course, many who trigger on 'potential victim', but also some who react when they see women with 'cocky behavior', thinking 'who does she think she is' and reacting with primitive thoughts of 'showing her who's the man'. And as long as there are people around who don't know right from wrong, as Sean put it, we will need to know how to keep ourselves safe."

I continued talking, set on making them see that they had to take care of themselves.

"I'm sorry, we're running a few minutes late, but I just want to tell you one more thing. And it's another one of those bullshit balloons that I want to pop. It's the 'once a victim always a victim' thing you can sometimes hear people saying. There's a lot of bull that people say just to feel safe in their own tiny glass castles..."

I turned around and pulled the t-shirt off to uncover my back. I wasn't surprised when I heard the outraged gasps behind me.

"A few years back someone made a victim out of me. As you can tell, it was... pretty bad..."

I pulled the t-shirt back on and turned around to face the women once more.

"Today I'm not a victim anymore. I'm not a victim, not a survivor, not someone to pity. I'm a fighter that grew strong and stronger, smart and smarter. And that's really what this is all about..."

I smiled at the women in front of me.

"This is a unique opportunity for you to learn, to gather knowledge, to grow smarter, and in the process you will also grow stronger, body and mind."

Sean came walking back towards me, his face strangely pale. Shit, he'd probably seen my back hadn't he?

"And if that don't do it for y'all" I finished off with a smile "you could just come back for some free ogling time, because ladies, there's some fine looking men right here."

I heard Sean grumbling something about objectifying before I added.

"Or we can just give them a round of applauds for being real heroes, fighting every day to build a better world AND taking the time to teach us what we need to know about self-defense."

The women clapped their hands and I kept my eyes on them looking for signs that what I'd said had scared any of them more than it had motivated them. They were a bit shaken, and I silently cursed myself for going too far. There was one girl in particular that worried me, she had kept setting off alarms in my body all through the class, and now she seemed more than a little bit shaken. I separated myself from Sean and pulled a card out of my back pocket that I discreetly handed to the girl. I looked her in the eyes, posing a silent question that got a nodded answer. Another victim, her story unknown. Another woman, with a need for some hope.

I walked back to Sean who was talking to some of the women about signing up for classes. He kept a smile on his face but his body was tense and I knew he was just waiting to pounce on me. Secrets on secrets, deflections and lies...

I thought about sneaking out of there to not have to deal with Sean's worried questions and his frustration when he realized there was nothing he could do. And yeah, his anger, because... again... there was nothing he could do.

"What the fuck Mary!" was the first thing he said when all the women had left the room, his voice loud and angry.