Razor Ch. 06

"Thinking back, knowing what I know now," she whispered "I don't know how Rose could think about me when she was living in her own personal hell..."

She looked up at me once more and kept talking.

"Well, as you can tell, I survived, like that old song... 'first I was afraid, I was petrified, kept thinking I could never live...' and then 'I grew strong, I learned how to get along'." she said with a sharp laugh "But as I grew stronger, I also grew angry and frustrated. I needed an outlet for all my feelings, and I started to concentrate my mind on complex plans for revenge on the one person who was still alive, my dear former master. In the end, I really didn't need a complex plan to get to him. I still had my computer skills after all. And he really wasn't all that good at hiding his dirty laundry. The money he gave me to keep quiet, and the deed to his country seat, I put it all to good use by starting my first do-good-for-goodness-sake initiative, the Delilah Institute. He never knew it was me who took his money, if he didn't figure it out before he died a few years later, but I seriously doubt it. The name of the place felt appropriate at the time, but I suppose I don't have to tell you the story about 'the dangerous temptress who betrayed her powerful lover for money'."

She laughed a wicked laugh, looked at me and shook her head.

"How many sins can we count to now?" she asked with a crooked smile "More than a few, I guess. And I suppose telling you that I've tried very hard to make up for all of those sins won't really help, will it?"

I involuntarily shook my head. There were just too many things for me to process.

"No, I didn't think so..." she whispered, still smiling "Anyway... I hired the best of the best to take care of the institute, and when it was fully staffed I signed up to get rid of my drug and alcohol addiction. And I haven't touched the stuff since then. I'm still an addict, and I still have to fight every day to not fall into new addictions..."

She stopped talking abruptly and looked down at her hands.

"Actually," she said after a short moment of silence "I think I've found the ultimate addiction, and I'm not sure how I'm going to manage to get rid of it. You see, to be free of your addictions you have maintain a certain level of control, always, to not fall back into old paths and patterns. But if your addiction is connected to staying on top of everything, then basically you have to control your control issues, don't you? And I'm not really sure that's even possible..."

I didn't know what to say, or even if I had to say anything, she seemed quite capable of sorting through her issues herself. And she was right about the control thing. In fact, the most annoying thing about her was that she tried to control everything around her. And the most annoying thing about me was that I had nothing to tell her, nothing that could calm her worries and still her mind.

"Anyways..." she said "what happened next was that I got back to a more constructive world, I built a lot of cool things, programs, gadgets, anything that my mind could think of, I made a lot of money and started a lot of projects to help people in need, the homeless, the poor, the battered, the whores, the addicts and so on."

I looked at her and managed to give her a small smile. She looked up and smiled back, a soft and sweet smile that was different from the usual smiles she used to wear. She stood up and walked back to the window, then once again she turned and started singing.

"How many mountains must you face before you learn to climb?

I'm gonna give you what it takes, my universal child

I'm gonna try to find a way to keep you safe from harm

I'm gonna build a special place, a shelter from the storm

And I can see you, you're everywhere, your portrait fills the sky

I'm gonna wrap my arms 'round you, my universal child

And when I look into your eyes, so innocent and pure

I see the shadow of the things that you've had to endure

I see the tracks of every tear that ran right down your face

I see the hurt, I see the pain, I see the human race

And I can feel you, you're everywhere, shining like the sun

I wished to god that kids like you could be like everyone

How many tumbles must it take before you learn to fly?

I'm going to help you spread your wings, my universal child

I'm gonna try to find a way to keep you safe from harm

We're gonna build a special place, a shelter from the storm

I can feel you, you're everywhere, shining like the sun

And I wished to god that kids like you could be like everyone

And I wished to god that kids like you could be like everyone"

When the last note of the song had rung out she looked at me, took one step forward and bowed deeply. That made me smile and clap my hands softly as she walked back to her chair. She smiled back at me and opened her mouth to say something, but I held my hand up. It was time for me to talk.

"Everything you've said, it's almost too much information for a simple person like me to process." I said, keeping my voice low and calm "You've painted a picture where you go from darkness to darkness with just a few dots of light and color... and... I just wanted to say that you've yet again managed to surprise me, and that I admire your strength and persistence... I truly do. But what keeps popping up in my mind is a question... 'don't you think you're being a bit hard on yourself'? And perhaps... 'isn't it time to stop trying so hard?'"

She laughed and looked at me with twinkling eyes.

"I am aware that what I'm doing might be seen as some sort of compensatory behavior, that I'm trying to wash away my sins by doing only good deeds, I even mentioned it before, I think?" she answered "And yes, perhaps in some parts it is. But the main reason is a much simpler one. You see... I'm an extremely stubborn and goal oriented person. When I roamed the streets when I was a teenager I saw a lot of bad things, and I swore that I'd one day be able to do something about it. And despite that my effort is just a drop in the sea, it's at least one more drop."

She stood up and pulled her glasses and headphones out of her pockets, signaling that it was time for her to go. I looked at the time and realized she had been there exactly 60 minutes; time really did fly when you were... feeling seriously troubled on behalf of someone else.

"Thank you for letting me see you and talk to you again," she said before she started walking out of my room "it's still strange how much calmer you make me, even after what I've told you today. Thank you again!"

I kept sitting in my chair, my head feeling two sizes too big and my chest feeling two sizes too small. I hid my face in my hands and exhaled loudly before I whispered softly to myself.

"Sweet Jesus and Mother Mary too, what the hell am I supposed to do?"

* * * * *

It felt surprisingly good to have been allowed one final meeting with William. Even despite the fact that I had revealed more secret things about my past, the most painful parts, come to think of it, he'd been able to calm me down. I still wondered how he did that?

I called Sally from the car and told her I wouldn't be able to make it in to the Mother Mary HQ that evening and night, but that they could send me questions and requests for help through our secure channels. I thought about going back to Samuel's place but decided I needed the cool comfort of my own, silent home, and I aimed my car back there.

When Samuel finally found the films we were looking for I had to talk really fast to make him understand that he shouldn't watch any of them. His curiosity disappeared as I explained what he was likely to see if he looked at them, and he ended our call with a few well-chosen words along the lines of comparing people to pigs being an insult to the superior intelligence of the oinky, pink creatures.

I started looking at the files Samuel had been able to find and with every single frame of every single film I felt myself shrinking. I recognized Rose's husband in the films, but he wasn't alone, he had a companion who were always completely covered by a mask and dark clothes. I stared at the never ending display of cruelty and sexual violence and I could feel myself trembling. I ran to my bathroom and made it just in time before my stomach turned inside out. I sat on the floor and leaned my head weakly against the cold porcelain throne. There was something that tickled my memory, something about the films, about the setting or perhaps the props?

I walked back and continued watching just for a few minutes more, and then it hit me. I knew the room the films were all shot in, it was the room I saw in all of my nightmares, the room I had spent two horrible weeks in.

My mind was a jumbled mess and after I shut down the films and locked my computer I sat staring at my hands. Sometimes, what was needed was a way to slow down the speed of my thoughts slightly, in this case I needed to stop them altogether. I only knew three ways to do that; hard exercise, sex or drugs. Or why not all of them at the same time?

I grabbed my phone and dialed a number I had thought I would never use again.

"Em, long time no see," a rough voice answered "what can I do you for?"

"Jay," I answered "I need your help..."

"Same procedure as last year, or however long it's been?" Jay asked and I could hear the smile on his face.

"Same procedure as every year James..." I answered before adding "And Jay, bring a friend, will you?"

"That bad?" Jay asked, not waiting for me to answer "Any particular type of friend?"

"Surprise me..." I answered before ending the call.

An hour later I opened the door and stared at the two men in front of me, expecting to see Jay with an unknown friend accompanying him, realizing that I knew who the second person was too. It was Simon, the golden boy. I could tell that he didn't recognize me and that he was curious to see who I was. I also realized that he was probably working undercover, and that I had to be careful to not reveal who and what he was.

I let Jay and his "friend" in, thinking hard to come up with a plan to prevent a disaster. Jay and I had known each other for far too long, and despite his rough outer appearance and his somewhat unhealthy relationship with not quite legal substances, he was a pretty sweet guy. He had pulled me out of some bad situations over the years too, and I owed him more than a pat on the back and a sweet "see you in prison honey".

"She doesn't look like the woman in the films you showed me..." not so simple Simon said, his tone somewhere between surprised and annoyed.

"You showed him... a film?" I asked, anger filling me instantly.

"Well, two actually..." Jay answered with a silly smile "my favorite ones, yesterday. It was as if I knew you'd be calling, asking me to bring a friend"

"Stupid idiot..." I muttered and walked back into the apartment, aiming for the big room I had just recently rebuilt, with the help of one of Susan's lover boys.

"But her colors are all wrong," the man previously known as golden boy complained "she's supposed to be dark-haired with blue eyes, a thin waste and really big..."

"That better be 'personality' you're aiming for, punk!" I muttered as I reached my workout room.

He grew quiet, and I thanked his lucky star that he knew when silence was needed.

"The producer had a special interest in Xena, you know, the warrior princess?" Jay answered with a very unfitting giggle "So he made her wear a wig and contacts..."

But on the other hand, Jay never knew when to keep quiet. I sighed and shook my head against the itchy memories of that damned wig. I removed my sweater and turned around to throw it in the corner. I heard a gasp from behind me and turned back to face them again.

"Waddafuck" Simon said and stared at me with a frown. I could almost see his thoughts whirling, and I knew the instant he realized where he'd met me before and whose friend I was. Yeah, it was time to send him away...

"It sort of answers the 'why isn't she still making movies' question though, doesn't it?" Jay said softly "And a crying shame it is too..."

I looked at the men in front of me, two fine specimens of male perfection, tall, strong, fit; one with an eager grin on his face, one with a worried frown.

"Your friend is having second thoughts," I said calmly "perhaps we should just let him go?"

Jay shrugged and looked at Simon with lifted eyebrows.

"Nahh, I'm staying," Simon said "at least it won't be boring, right?"

I shook my head, wondering what I should do about the whole situation. There was no way I'd allow Simon to stay, and I should probably just ask the both of them to please leave.

"Jay, could you go get us a couple of bottles of water?" I asked and walked towards Simon "I need to talk to your friend here...."

"Don't start without me..." Jay said before he jogged away from the room.

"What should I call you?" I asked the young police officer in front of me "And does Jay know about your day job? And are you here in that capacity?"

"Call me Simon," he said "and no, he doesn't know, and no I'm not on an assignment; but if I see something I don't like I'm going to have to treat it seriously."

"And has Jay told you why you are here?"

"No mam," he answered with a smile "but there's nothing wrong with my imagination..."

"Supported by vivid visual imagery from yesterday's film classics, no doubt..." I muttered "Anyway, you're not going to stay, so you can stop smiling..."

"Why aren't we smiling?" Jay said as he came walking back, three bottles of water in his hands and arms.

"Simon here is not staying," I answered "and frankly, his reaction when he saw my body turned me off completely, so you might as well leave too..."

"Fuck, Em, you can't just turn a man on like that and leave him hanging, you know that, don't you?" Jay muttered and threw the bottles on the floor.

"On the contrary my dear James, I know several ways to do it and do it right... but I have to ask the both of you to go now, please, as you can tell I really do need my beauty sleep nowadays..." I said with a sad smile, shrugging my shoulders to show them that there wasn't too much any one of us could do about it.

They both walked away, Jay muttering curses all the way to the door and Simon throwing worried looks at me when he thought I didn't notice. I locked the door behind them and leaned my head against it. That hadn't quite gone as planned, to put it mildly. But perhaps that was for the best? I hadn't been that close to losing it in the past five years. And I couldn't really allow myself the luxury of forgetting things either.

I grabbed my phone and typed a quick text message – 'need to see you tomorrow, crisis'. I didn't have to wait for long before I got an answering text 'on a Saturday? 11 okay?'. I answered okay and threw myself down on my bed. For a short while I contemplated giving that whole praying business a try, but I laughed softly at the idea. At least I would see William again in just a few hours, and perhaps I would be able to live through a night with a paralyzing headache, a slightly less painful back and a couple of hundred nightmares.

And hope was the last thing that left us before we died, or was it our sense of hearing?