Reach Out For The Sunrise Ch. 04

Xavier swiped away the tears and pulled back with an angry sigh. "Why are you doing this, Rayne? I gave you the easy out, and you wouldn't take it. I tell you I want you to stay and you won't do that either. You care. Fine. I believe you. It doesn't mean shit though, does it? You can care for your dog and in the end it's just something you have to take care of, right? So, I'm too much work? Thanks, I feel so much better now."

Rayne actually flinched at that. He opened his mouth to say No, but Xavier's hand moved to cover his lips at once. Xav sighed again, this time more tired than angry. "Any way you want to spin it, it comes down to the same thing. You'd rather hurt me now so you can protect your conscience and tell yourself later that you did the right thing." He sat up and moved away. He couldn't take any more of this, it just hurt too damn much. "I want to be with you Rayne. Either you want to be with me, or you don't. I can't make up your mind for you."

Rayne sat up with him, almost mirroring his movement. For an instant his expression hardened and then he looked away again.

"Of course I want to be with you! I'd be crazy not to want to be with you!" he yelped in agitated response. "But I've got to look at the bigger picture, Xavier! That's my responsibility, whether I like it or not! Christ! Sometimes I wish that when they Turned me Jabez and Zelarin had just created another soulless bloodsucker. Life would be a lot fucking easier without a conscience!"

He spun away, stumbling to his feet and shaking his head, but he did not head for the door.

Xavier suddenly felt bereft looking at the straight angry line of Rayne's back. The fever wracking him seemed to switch from hot to cold and he shivered, teeth chattering as he fought a sudden chill. He pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged them, putting his head down and trying to hold back. He didn't know what else to say. What else could he say? Everyone they knew seemed to think this was either for the best or at least inevitable.

Rayne had himself convinced that he would some day lose it and hurt him, or kill him, or get him killed. Xavier knew he wouldn't, but saying so wouldn't make him change his mind. If Rayne loved him he would stay with him despite the risks. His lover didn't feel that way though and, no matter how much he said he cared, he clearly didn't think Xavier was worth trying for. Xav didn't want to shed tears, he felt like an idiot, didn't want Rayne to think he was trying to manipulate him, but he couldn't stop it no matter how hard he tried to choke back the sobs.

Rayne closed his eyes tightly, shaking his head again.

"Please don't do that," he implored quietly. "I don't think I can stand to hear you cry. You're better than this, Xavier, and I'm not worth it."

He turned slowly, a determined set to his jaw.


Xav tried hard to pull it back. This wasn't supposed to happen until after Rayne left. He kept his forehead pressed to his knees and his arms locked around his legs in a tight ball as he tried to swallow down the huge knot of pain. It reminded him quite sharply and unexpectedly of times he'd spent alone in dark places being as silent as he could so no one would hear him crying.

Even now, when Rayne was dumping him, he was still trying to please him. The thought made him feel even more pathetic. He bit down on the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood, the sharpness of the hurt letting him get a little bit of control back, but he didn't think he could look at Rayne yet.

The implacable little English vampire sat down beside him on the edge of the sofa, bending his head to peer at Xavier helplessly. He still looked slightly irritable, but was resisting the urge to storm out and slam doors again. He probably knew what kind of a reception he would get from the others, who were inevitably lurking outside, listening to the argument.

"It doesn't get me hot, you know - seeing you in tears," Rayne suggested, rather less sympathetically. "Not your best tactic, sweetheart."

His mouth watered as if he'd tasted blood and yet they weren't even touching. Rayne lifted his hand, rubbing the back of it across his wet lips. Then he girded himself and reached out, resting the palm on the back of Xavier's neck, still amazed at how the kid's pale golden skin was burning to the touch.


Xavier finally lifted his head, this time to glare at Rayne. It was one thing to dump him, it was another to mock him about it!

"What the hell do you want from me, Rayne?" His voice was husky with tears. "I told you I'll be fine. I can take care of myself. You want my understanding? You want me to be fuckin' happy for you? You want me to see how responsible you're being? Well you're not. That's just an excuse. You're running away because you can't handle it, because you're afraid, because whatever it is you feel for me isn't enough to make you even want to try. I know you wouldn't hurt me..."

Except to rip my fuckin' worthless heart out, of course.

"Is that what you want?" this time the answering smile was fanged, the vampire's short temper piqued again. "You wanna take the rough with the smooth, huh? Show me what a martyr you are! Come on then, Xavier, you want to be with me so much! You wanna know what the fuck you've landed?"

Rayne's hand landed on his sternum, pushing him back against the sofa cushions a little too deliberately. The shove had enough force in it to make Xav catch his breath. The anger seemed to ignite in him, licking over his skin like flames.

"That isn't what I meant!" he retorted hotly, pissed now that Rayne was taking this track with him. He tried to sit up again but Rayne kept him down with a hand on his chest.

A little hiss of humourless laughter escaped through Rayne's clenched teeth as he rolled to his knees, moving over the younger man.

"What did you mean then?" he laughed harshly, crouching over Xavier and pinning him almost effortlessly. The long, curved dog-teeth exposed by his laughter glinted wetly in the half-light of the room. "You thought maybe you could do what no one else has managed to in nearly forty years? Tame me? Gentle me? Drown me in love so that I never get that urge to rip out anyone's throat ever again?"

Well yeah, that was kinda what Xavier had been thinking. Something along those lines anyway. At least, he thought Rayne would care about him enough to never hurt him like that. The look he gave the vampire said as much.

Rayne shook his head slowly. "Christ Xavier! You have no idea how much I would love to be the creature you wish I was!"

Xav shook his head that Rayne couldn't see the contradictions. He said he was a heartless, uncontrollable monster, and that's why he had to go. If Rayne believed his own line of rhetoric why would it really matter if he killed him? He couldn't be both. He couldn't be some remorseless beast and be so concerned about Xavier's welfare. It didn't work that way, and Xav refused to believe he was wrong about that.

He kept his mouth shut and everything else tightly shuttered behind a solid wall of anger. If Rayne wanted to prove something to himself, fine. There wasn't much he could do about it. He didn't have to go along with it placidly though and he bucked and struggled under the vampire while Rayne chuckled and kept him pinned.

Rayne's hands wrenched at the pliable material of Xavier's shirt, shoving it roughly up, almost to his collarbones, exposing the rippled line of the blond's lean, toned body beneath. The singer's head dipped towards his chest and Xav felt sharp teeth catch at his exposed nipples, biting and tugging roughly on them as Rayne's dark spill of hair tickled his bare flesh. For the moment the vampire was playing with him, but whenever he looked up through the tangles of his hair, seeking Xavier's face, there was a fierce light in his liquid green eyes that was definitely inhuman. He used hands and legs to keep his mate pinned down and though Xav did not get the same feel of enjoyment at the struggle from him that he had sensed from Steffen, he could tell that his urgent efforts to free himself did not displease Rayne Wylde.

Xavier glared back at him with impotent fury. He couldn't break his hold and they both knew it, which only served to make him angrier. Rayne continued to bite and worry at his sensitive nipples until Xav could barely keep from crying out. He bit his bottom lip to hold it back. Tearing his eyes away and shutting them tightly he felt the inevitable swell of his traitorous cock.

"Get off me!" he demanded in fierce whisper.

"Make me!" Rayne nibbled his slow way up the blond boy's heaving chest. His powerful fingers clawed at Xavier's shirt, ripping at the fine material as he licked and bit a slow path, higher and higher, reaching for the softness of his lover's throat. "Make me stop if you want it so badly. If you can stop me, I'll stay."

Xavier quivered under the not so tender assault of his lips and teeth. How he could be pissed off and turned on at the same time was beyond him. It was one of those things he didn't like to think about. Rayne's lips swept over the bite marks on his neck and Xav tried not to shudder but failed. He was hard as a rock now, and he wasn't sure if he was more pissed at Rayne or himself.

"Don't!" He meant to snarl it but it came out more like a whimper.

Rayne lipped almost tenderly at the sensitive points on the curve of his neck, ignoring the frail command. His fingers tightened, ripping open his lover's t-shirt recklessly and his lips curled back as he bit down hard, able to feel that Xavier was hard for it through the material of their pants. He was not alone. Rayne stiffened for him as he tasted the rush of Xav's red-hot blood.

Xavier gasped at the electric rush. Ohhh sooo gooood… he wanted to melt. Just give up. Surrender. He swallowed hard around the lump that had risen in his throat and closed his eyes. He couldn't let Rayne do it. Not like this. He could feel his heart thudding in his chest, feel his pulse surge into Rayne's mouth and the vampire's lips moving seductively on the skin of his throat as he swallowed. He let his arms and body fall slack. No point fighting. He let the wall of anger inside crumble too, and let his mate feel all the raw, pent-up hurt and aching love he had behind it.

The blood in Rayne's mouth, in his veins, seared like fire and he drank as if his thirst for the boy could never be quenched. It was like melting into him, feeling a door open in the fabric of everything that was Xavier - not just flesh and bone but blood and spirit, hopes and fears; everything that made him what he was. Rayne bit deep and sank into all of that. For a fleeting instant he saw the source of the fire; the heat that was consuming his lover and he knew that only one thing could cool the flames.

He had given of his blood just once since being Turned and that was for his ex, Matty, who rarely lost an argument. This was how he had felt back then, seeing the hunger for eternity, for a lifetime of something beyond comprehension in his friend's eyes and spirit. Matty had burned with a need of his own. But Turning Matt Greening had not brought them closer together. Unlife had stripped the blinkers from Matty's eyes and made him into something else. Just as it had for Rayne.

He could not imagine Xavier without that essential spark, that fierce, bright fire that made him human. All that love, that passion that was in him, turned to something cold, calculating and essentially dark. He had known that reckless energy once himself and now it felt as alien to him as something from a dream, or a movie watched long ago and mostly forgotten. Rayne was torn between the hunger to drain Xavier and the furious, envious desire to be him.

He opened his jaws and flung his head back with a gasp, pulling off Xav, shuddering furiously. The blood seeped in a slow, sinuous trail from the bite marks on his lover's neck, running down over Xavier's shoulder and his beautifully toned breast. The vampire licked his lips ravenously.

"This might be selfish of me, but I want to see you as my equal, someone who can stand by my side," Rayne panted quietly. "But you're not, Xavier. As much as I might want… even long for that, you're not that creature. And I wonder... if you were the kind of animal I've become, if I would love you half as much as I do."

He sat back, covering his blood-stained mouth and chin with one hand and turning his head away so that he did not have to see the way that his lover bled for him.

Xavier was sprawled on the couch cushions, boneless, his chest rising and falling as he lay there gasping for air that would not come. His head was spinning in confusing circles and he felt weak as a kitten. Wait… did Rayne just say he loved him? He struggled to shake off the dizziness and sat up, wanting to say something soothing, something that would make everything right, but his head was swimming and he couldn't think how to put two words together. Xavier reached for him.

"Rayne…"

Xav blinked twice as the vampire stood abruptly and moved away. Rayne hesitated in the doorway and his voice was husky as he murmured; "One day you'll understand and you'll thank me."

Then he was gone and everything was spinning too fast. Xavier slid back down against the sofa cushions as spots danced insanely before his eyes. He would not have gone chasing after him, even if he'd been able to. It hurt more then anything to let the vampire go but he knew he had to. If he forced Rayne to stay now, out of pity or some sense of obligation, they would both regret it.

Suddenly, there were gentle hands on Xavier's face and people were shouting. He could not remember seeing anyone come into the room. Xav thought he could hear Rayne yelling out in the hallway and Aldo shouting back at him, more angry than he had ever believed the handsome, placid Italian could be. And then it all went dark and stayed that way for a long time.

~*~

Rayne splashed his face in the basin, keeping the bathroom door locked as Dom waited for the cab to arrive. Dominic Warren had been painfully loyal and it was only causing more arguments. He could hear the commotion through the solid pine of the door as he washed Xavier's blood off his face, his appetite gone.

This had blown everything they had done together in Frisco out of the water. He had never known Aldo to get so angry. The sorrow on Paddy's face was more than he could bear. For years he had been trying to tell them what he was and now they knew it. And it was too much for any of them.

He could hardly blame them. It was too much for him sometimes.

He knew that Aldo would have run Dom into Naples to meet his train but he would not take Rayne, and Dominic would not go without him. That had been a part of the argument. Of course the crux of it was what he had done to Xavier.

He could never take that back. There was no rewind button. In the heat of the moment he had opened himself, just as Xav did for him, and shown his true colours. Inevitably, the boy would hate him for it, just as his friends now did. Even Dominic, gentle Dominic who always tried to understand him, looked at him with disappointment in his moss green eyes. Rayne lifted his head and stared at his gaunt, haunted reflection in the mirror, wishing for once it was true that vampires had no reflective image. He hated the creature staring back at him. If breaking the glass could kill it he would have done so.

A nervous tap against the door broke his glare and he pulled the plug, letting the blood-red water swirl away.

"The car's here. I think we should go," Dominic said quietly. He did not need to shout, well aware that Rayne could hear him. "I put your bags in the boot already. Are you coming or not?"

Running a wet hand through his dishevelled hair he walked to the door and turned the lock wordlessly. Pushing past Lord Warren without a word, Rayne strode determinedly down the hallway and out of the house, without looking behind him. He got into the back of the waiting car, eyes set forward, determined not to be unmanned. A few minutes later, Dominic followed, unaccompanied. He jumped into the passenger seat, next to the driver and murmured a husky instruction in Italian. And then it was over and they were pulling away, but still he could not draw a breath.

Dominic glanced back at him once, meeting his eyes only briefly then looking away as if it hurt to maintain the contact.

"They called a doctor to him," he said atonally.

"Good." Rayne could not think straight. What the hell would the doctor think? Called out in the heat of the morning to a boy with his neck punctured, bleeding out, already low on red cells. What would they tell him? Some bizarre accident with the shears!

"I don't understand," Dom said quietly, shaking his head. "What happened?"

"Shut up," Rayne told him coldly. "I don't wanna talk about it, okay? I don't ever want to talk about it."

XAVIER:

Xavier opened his eyes a mere slit and even that felt like he was lifting heavy sandbags. It was dark, he was lying in bed. His sleep-fuddled mind tried to recall how he had got there. A vision of Rayne's red stained mouth swam up out of the depths and he watched as the vampire turned away from him.

That was right… they had argued, hadn't they? Rayne held him down and bit him, bit him 'til it hurt. They were falling…

No! That didn't make any sense. Even if they had rolled off the couch, it wouldn't have felt like that; like falling and falling endlessly, that rollercoaster plunge, going on and on. Drowning! He'd been drowning in Rayne since they first met. A confused swirl of images played out in his head, people and places he'd never seen before, things that had happened that he knew hadn't happened to him, but felt so familiar. Fragments. It was all so fleeting, hard to grasp and hold just one thing to look at. He could feel the emotions running through those things better than he could make out details.

Turbulent emotions; rage, pain, fear… Someone else might well have been overwhelmed, it was a lot to take on board, but Xavier was so intimately familiar with those same emotions they felt almost comfortable.

He went to wipe his hand over his face and found that it took an enormous amount of effort to lift his arm, like he was dragging it through mud. He groaned, and the sound was loud in his head.

"Mmmmrrrrrppphhh!"

"Hey... slow down," a warm, familiar voice warned, the accent poised somewhere between the Mediterranean and back-street New Jersey. "There's no rush. Just take your time. You've been down for a couple of days so just take it slow, okay?"

Aldo's gentle hand stroked his face and Xav felt warm fingers around his wrist, steadily easing his arm back down onto the bed-covers.

Xavier moaned softly as the world around him took on more solidity. He was so thirsty, his mouth felt like a sandpit and, when he tried to move again, his body ached as if he'd been run over by a bus. God, he felt like shit!

Aldo's words suddenly sank in.

"A couple days? Shit!" Xavier's voice sounded like little more then a hoarse caw and he struggled to get up. Aldo immediately grasped his shoulders and gently held him down. He didn't have to try hard; Xavier was finding it difficult to muster the effort to even lift his head. A couple days…

Without consciously thinking of it he reached out for Rayne through the blood tie. It was something of a shock to find… nothing. Even when Rayne was blocking him out he still felt something; felt 'the wall'. This was different; this was like reaching for someone's hand that was always there and finding it missing; like suddenly finding yourself… cut adrift.