tagNon-EroticReal Men Don't Get Vasectomies

Real Men Don't Get Vasectomies


There are some things in this world which one simply doesn't understand. Like why do some men decide to get Vasectomies. In one's sincere opinion, that's one of the worst things a man can ever allow to be done to himself. Seriously. Rather than allow himself to be neutered just because his nagging wife or girlfriend said so, why doesn't the guy just castrate himself? It's an even surer method of birth control. When will men learn to say no? It's bad enough that so many men seem to think circumcision of males is okay but we're told vasectomies are on the rise in this economic recession. What gives? If men are actually getting dumber, maybe they should be made extinct after all. Repeat this until you get it, folks. Real men don't get circumcised. And real men don't get vasectomies. Real men don't shave their chests. Real men don't shave below the neck and are natural from head to toe. Anything less is anti-masculine. End of story.

The following tale is the story of James Hawthorne Summers. A six-foot-one, black-haired and green-eyed Caucasian male living in the city of Brockton, Massachusetts. He's basically your everyday average guy. A managing supervisor at Bank of America in Boston. He makes one hundred and thirty thousand dollars a year after taxes. Not bad considering he only has a bachelor's degree in business from Boston College and couldn't afford to go back to school to earn his MBA. He married a six-foot-tall, red-haired, voluptuous and very sexy, emerald-eyed Irishwoman named Sheila O'Shea. She's the daughter of one of Boston's wealthiest Irish families. Her father, Samuel O'Shea is the CEO and owner of O'Shea & Lancaster Inc. one of the top shipping companies in New England. By all means, James Hawthorne Summers has the perfect life. He and his wife Sheila have two brats, a son named Jeffrey who's a freshman at Boston University and a daughter, Elisabeth, who's a junior at Wellesley College.

Yeah, things were okay for James, until his wife Sheila became a frigid bitch whose sole goal in life was to ruin his existence. She was Jewish, and this caused a lot of disagreements between the couple. When their son Jeffrey Summers was born, his mother Sheila wanted to circumcise him in the Jewish tradition. James, who was himself uncircumcised, refused. This led to a drawn-out battle of wills between the two of them and the lawyers even got involved. In the end, Jeffrey remained intact, though his mother turned cold toward him and his father from that day on. Sheila's family never forgave her for marrying a gentile instead of a prim and proper, wealthy Jewish lad like they dreamed of. James Hawthorne Summers was a middle-aged Caucasian male executive. A mild-mannered man who liked to pick his battles and generally speaking tried to avoid trouble. His friends and colleagues knew this about him, as did his wife. He avoided unnecessary arguments both at work and at home. Many people thought this made him a weak-willed man. James knew this about himself. He wasn't exactly a stalwart image of masculinity and power in the eyes of most people.

One day, Sheila O'Shea found yet another way to torment her husband. Since she was in her forties and certain things in herself weren't running at optimal power, she decided he should suffer as well. It's no secret that all women lose their looks, vitality and sexual power in their later years. Just a fact of life. Middle-aged women worry about this incessantly. Many men look good as they age, for the most part. Look at actors and directors Harrison Ford and Clint Eastwood. These two enduring Hollywood icons still look good even as they enter their later years. Most of the gals they starred in action movies with years ago can't say the same. Oh, they try to retain their youth and vitality. They go to great lengths for this. Affairs with younger men make them feel rejuvenated, and it's called the cougar phase. They have look-enhancing plastic surgeries if they can afford it, do a nip here and a tuck there. Anything to keep themselves from looking like the old hags they know they will eventually become. Men don't mind getting old. Women just can't seem to accept it.

So, one day, Sheila O'Shea asked her husband James Hawthorne Summers a question every middle-aged man dreads. The Great Vasectomy Debates had begun. The question was raised at the dinner table one evening. James almost choked on the salad he was eating. He stared at his wife, dumbfounded. Sheila looked at him coldly, and told him they couldn't afford another brat in this economy. Even though she was worth millions due to her father's wealth and he was the primary breadwinner for the family. James looked his wife in the eye, and uttered the word no for the first time in ages. Sheila's eyes widened in surprise. Rising from her seat, she told him sooner or later she would get her way. This wasn't over. Then she retired to her chambers. James sipped on a cup of red wine, wondering how in hell things could go so wrong so quickly. And who did his wife think she was?

James Hawthorne Summers didn't know much about vasectomies, except they were the medical equivalent of neutering the male of the human species. Couples who wanted to try drastic methods of birth control were often recommended vasectomies by man-hating doctors eager to slice and dice away at some poor slob's manhood. James remembered watching an episode of Home Improvement where Tim Allen's character faced the vasectomy question. He didn't watch the rest of the episode once the V word got mentioned. Doctors often recommended vasectomies to sterilize men who got pressured into these procedures by nagging wives. They never recommended hysterectomies to women. Of course not. To health care professionals, women are sacred and men are beasts of burden. Extreme gender bias filled the health care field. That's why men were living shorter lives than women. Nine and a half dollars out of every ten bucks spent on health care went to research about diseases affecting women. How many men's health ads did he see online and on TV? Very few. And most men didn't seem to realize that, or care. Poor idiots.

Well, James Hawthorne Summers wasn't an idiot. If his wife wanted war, she would have it. He wasn't getting a vasectomy. He read somewhere that men with vasectomies were at a higher risk for developing Prostate Cancer, a disease nobody raised funds about or ran marathons for since it only affected men, not women. That night, he silently packed his bags and left the house. It wasn't his house anyway. He barely spent time there. The married man was a homeless creature. The wife or girlfriend ruled the house. Even if the man paid for it with his own money. He rented a small apartment in West Bridgewater for eleven hundred bucks a month. The next day, he changed his cell phone number. Over the following nights, he slept well for the first time in ages. His wife showed up at his job in Boston, screaming divorce. He called his good friend and longtime attorney, Barry Eastman. And they braced themselves for the worst.

In the end, Sheila O'Shea got the house, and the cars. It wasn't a total loss for James, though. Thankfully, their son and daughter were adults and attending college on academic scholarships, so he didn't have to financially support them . Not that he minded helping his son or daughter. No matter what happened with his wicked ex-wife, they would always be his blood. It's just that Judges often forced non-custodial fathers to hand over funds they didn't have in order to support their moneyed wives and offspring. He was all in favor of fathers embracing responsibility but asking a man to pay beyond his means wasn't fair. Since Sheila had the bulk of the family fortune, he didn't have to pay her any alimony. Rather, in a surprising turnabout, the Judge ordered her to pay him six hundred bucks a month as spousal support. Sheila and her lawyers vowed to fight the ruling. As for James, he tried to maintain a decent relationship with his son and daughter. He would never stop loving them. From time to time, they visited him at his apartment in West Bridgewater. Life was okay. Not great, but okay. He had a roof over his head, his job, his health, and the love of his son and daughter. Things could be worse.

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