Rebecca Ch. 03

The room spun as I watched him exit the dwelling.

"What are you going to do to me now?"

"Something I've wanted to do since I was a kid."

He went into the shed and returned with a rope. It looked to be about three quarters of an inch thick and its ancient weave had been darkened by imbedded filth. I watched as he weaved a noose.

"Oh shit!" I exclaimed.

"I told you that you'd be glad to be so fucked up when you figured out what I had in store for you."

"You said you'd tell me before you killed me!"

"But notice I didn't say when I'd tell you. For instance, I could hold that gun to your head, say I was about to kill you, and then pull the trigger. If you had gone to law school for about a year, you probably would have known to ask me how much notice I was planning to give you."

"Oh god, you're gonna hang me, just like they used to lynch blacks."

"Look, I'm just playing with you now. Don't worry, I ain't gonna kill you yet. I promise. You're gonna be the actress in this scene I've been imagining since I started jacking off when I was a kid. I figured I might as well get it out of my system while I've got you around."

After he completed the seventh turn and pulled the end of the rope through the top eye, he placed the noose around my neck, resting the knot on my chest, and then pulled it tight. The fibers of the rope itched, but I was at the mercy of my captor and dared not anger him.

"Please, if I must die, just put a round in my head. I don't want to choke to death."

"Bitch, I ain't even gotten started."

"I'm so scared. Please don't strangle me!"

"I'll cue you in on something. I ain't gonna have your corpse stinking up this goddamn place. And since you're a goddamn Jew who don't even deserve to be alive, I ain't gonna be the one to dig the hole to stuff your body into.

"So when it's time, you're gonna get to dig your own goddamn grave. And since there ain't no hole been dug around here, I guess you ain't got nothing to worry about yet."

"Then why do I have a goddamn noose around my neck?"

He stroked my sides with his index fingers. His touch felt wonderful, even though I assumed that I was about to die a painful death.

"I fucking told you. It's your chance to be a star. What I used to imagine when I jacked off, now I'm going to see goddamned live. And if I like it, I'm gonna wanna see it again. So if you quit bitchin' and put on a good show for me, you might get to live a little longer."

Tears streaked my face.

"I'm so scared!"

He threw the free end of the rope over one of the rafters above me, grabbed the end, and pulled the slack out of the rope so the knot moved off my chest, finally settling behind my left ear. I had to stand on my tiptoes as he increased the tension on the rope.

"We can see who gets tired first. Even if I don't pull any harder, you're legs will give way eventually and you'll have to hope I let go or you'll choke to death. Or I might get tired holding the rope and have to let you down."

"I'll do anything. Just stop torturing me!"

"But the whole point of you being here is so that I have someone to torture. And as far as pain goes, you ain't felt nothing yet."

He pulled harder on the rope and the noose tightened around my neck. I tried to push myself up higher, succeeding only for an instant in lifting my head less than an inch, and the ligature only became tighter after my muscles gave way. My chest heaved for air, and I rasped as I drew in a breath.

"It's enough!" I exclaimed hoarsely.

"Bitch, you don't understand. You don't got a choice here. It's only enough when I decide it is!"

He hoisted me into the air. My legs kicked wildly as my feet searched in vain for a solid surface. Just as I was about to lose consciousness, he relaxed his grip and I sank to the floor.

"Please, no more! I beg you!"

I was standing erect, struggling to free my hands, hyperventilating, waiting to see if my captor was sated. He pulled on the rope and the noose tightened around my neck, making me instinctively stand up on my tiptoes.

I turned my head and saw one of the kitchen chairs and moved toward it to stand on the seat. But just as I raised my leg, he kicked the chair away.

"Oh no you don't!"

He pulled on the free end of the rope, jerking me off balance. I sank to my knees, forcing my neck to bear the full weight of my body, thus tightening my noose even more. He pulled even harder, lifting me to my feet, and then allowed me some slack when I regained my balance. The noose remained uncomfortably tight around my neck and I felt faint as the circulation to my brain was cut off.

He let go of the rope. I staggered and my legs gave way. I sank into the chair, which he had managed to place behind me after letting go of the rope.

"I'm dizzy," I murmured.

"Goddamn you, bitch! Don't die on me yet!" he snarled while struggling to loosen the ligature that was still tight around my neck.

The knot finally loosened and I drew in a deep breath. I lifted my head and saw Garth towering over me. The furrows of his forehead had deepened and his pupils were dilated. He raised his hand to wipe the sweat off his forehead and I saw that he was trembling.

As I tried to move my head, pain shot through my neck, making me grimace. I shrieked and tears streamed down my face.

"Can you move your hands and feet?" Garth demanded, betraying worry for his victim.

I was able to wiggle my fingers and toes.

"I think so," I replied through sobs.

"Goddamn it, are you fucking paralyzed or not?"

"No. I'm OK."

"Why did you have to fall? Were you trying to off yourself or something?"

"No, I just lost my balance."

I could not stop crying.

"Stop your blubbering!"

I could only hold back my tears for a few seconds. I then burst out with a shriek and began sobbing uncontrollably..

"God help me!" I screamed.

"Stop crying, goddamn it!"

"Are you going to torture me like this every goddamn day for the rest of my life?"

"I'll do whatever I damn well please with you!"

I wailed loudly.

"I can't live like this! No one would even do this to an animal! Kill me now! Please! I beg you!"

He held the whiskey bottle to my lips but I refused to open my mouth.

"Drink some more of this. It'll settle you down."

"I don't want any one of your damn whiskey!"

As I uttered those words, he managed to pour some whiskey into my mouth, which I spat onto the filthy floor.

"Suit yourself."

I regarded the squalid dwelling and the environs in which I would be imprisoned, wincing as I moved my freshly stretched neck. The state of decay of the place was a reflection of the state of my captor's mind. His was a life wasted. My sadness and fear were replaced by anger that the gift his Creator had bestowed upon him was being used to spread disharmony in the world.

The loathsome creature that held me captive was performing the antithesis of tikkun olam. The answer was not to allow him to end my life.

My life had a purpose again. As a Jew, it was my duty to help mend the world. What I had done before being kidnapped was irrelevant to any real purpose my life had. Once I realized my task on Earth was to prevent Garth from spreading misery in the name of his loathsome beliefs, my tears stopped.

"If you're not going to kill me now, could you untie my hands and take the rope off my neck?"

"Bitch, you think you can just order me around and then I have to do whatever you say? It ain't gonna be like that around here."

"Garth, please untie me."

"If you ask nice like that, you might just get me to do something for you once in a while."

He untied my hands. They were numb, but as I shook them, the feeling returned. I then tried to loosen the knot and remove the noose from my neck, but it was so tight that it would not budge.

"Please help me," I implored him.

"I told you I wasn't going to kill you. There was no call for you to start screaming like that."

After a few seconds he was able to loosen the rope, which he then removed from my neck.

"My neck hurts so fucking bad."

"Sorry. I ain't got no Percocet or anything like that up here. If you want, maybe I can go to town and score some off a hillbilly."

"Don't bother."

"Why? If someone had done that to me, I'm sure that my neck would fucking hurt."

"What if you get arrested? You certainly aren't going to tell the cops to come up here and get me. And I'm sure you'd have me tied up or locked up so I don't wander off. I don't find the prospect of starving to death up here very enticing."

"I see your point. I just thought you might need some kind of painkiller."

"It's not being in pain right now that's so bad; it's knowing you can inflict pain on me any time you want and that you're going to do it over and over again."

"Damn right."

"And you've promised to kill me. No one can live like that."

"OK, I won't hurt you every day. And when I'm through with you, you can have your handful of pills and a glass of whiskey to off yourself."

"Thank you."

"Do you want something to eat?"

"I'm not really hungry."

"You ain't eaten nothing since yesterday. You've got to be hungry."

"So you're going to let me stay alive for a while?"

"If you don't try anything smart, I guess so."

"I have a good pussy, don't I?"

"Yeah, I guess it's all right."

The tentativeness with which he approached me when we made love suggested he had little basis for comparison.

"It's yours anytime. Remember that."

"What are you-a cocksucking nymphomaniac?"

"I like doing it with a man; all the more if it helps me stay alive."

"You need to eat some goddamn food. You ain't one of them skinny bitches with anorexia, are you?"

"I'm afraid not. If I live long enough, I'm sure I'll be fat some day, just like my mother."

"Just tell me what you want to goddamn eat!"

"I see a can of tuna fish. I'll have a tuna fish sandwich."

He gave me a can opener and a plastic knife. I opened up the can, took two slices of white bread from a loaf he bought, and made myself a sandwich.

My appetite returned as I savored the familiar taste of canned tuna fish. Perhaps my unconscious mind perceived a glimmer of hope after my captor offered me food, and saw to it that I nourished myself. I had to struggle not to wolf down my meager lunch.

"All we're gonna have is shit like this, at least until I can figure out if they're lookin' for me around here."

"It will be all right."

"You probably had guys taking you out to fancy restaurants all the time."

"No, my boyfriend was going to medical school on loans. I usually paid when we ate out."

"He was a stupid fuck for letting you go."

"I really liked him at first. He had this crappy computer that crashed all of the time, and I figured he had enough to worry about with studying for tests, so I bought him a real nice one. I paid for his plane ticket to Hawaii when we went there. I bought him a suit when his roommate got married. I paid his share of the rent for his apartment when we were living there together.

"And after a while, he just expected it. He would say, 'When I'm a doctor, you'll be driving a Porsche instead of that crappy little Cavalier.' But you know, he never got around to asking me to marry him."

"Did he cheat on you?"

"Not that I know of. But here's the straw that broke the camel's back. After all the shit I'd done for him, he said that if I really loved him, I wouldn't go to Europe so he wouldn't have to worry about me fucking all kind of guys, like after everything I did for him I'm just some kind of slut who screws guys just to have a good time."

Tears came to my eyes and my voice quivered.

"He said if I quit my job and went to Europe that I shouldn't bother calling him or e-mailing him or even send a post card to him. What chutzpah, I thought. That's Jewish for nerve. He was the one who was living off me, and he has the gall to tell me we're breaking up!"

I bowed my head and put my hand on my brow as I cried.

"Did you love him?"

"I don't know. I thought I did. It was good as long as he got what he wanted from me, but now I know the man I spent two years with is a selfish bastard."

I buried my face into Garth's chest as I wept, soaking his top with my tears.

"And now, this!" I added.

"Well, you don't have to worry about me getting jealous, because there ain't no other motherfuckers around here to be jealous of, are there!"

I broke into a smile as tears the tears continued to pour from my eyes.

"I know this is so fucking stupid, but it's comforting to know that I'm the only woman in your life."

"At least until its time to get out of this rat's nest."

"I just feel that as long as I'm good to you, nothing's going to happen to me."