tagLesbian SexReflections on a Painful Past Ch. 03

Reflections on a Painful Past Ch. 03


Disclaimer: I strongly recommend you read the first two chapters of this story before you read this one. This chapter details the collapse of Jesse's relationship with Claire and her eventual solace in the arms of the man who would become her husband. It's not as 'nice' as previous chapters. You have been warned.

Reflections on a painful past.

-I take a moment to look back at what I've written; pages and pages of black ink on white paper. Some tear stained, some legible but most wild, messy and borderline unreadable. That didn't matter; this wasn't meant for reading, not anymore. Not now that the past had taken over and demanded its time in the light. I should have never opened the door in my heart. For years it had held back the demon of my past. Claire.

Now though with the door open my memories were flowing like an unstoppable tide and I'd gone well past the point of no return, past the sweet memories from early on. Now I was into the painful, turbulent storm that eventually led me to betrayal...

I was naive but I wasn't stupid. It didn't take me long to realise that Claire enjoyed hurting me. That realization scared me but it didn't change anything. I was hers to do with as she pleased and I believed that if she wanted to hurt me, then I probably deserved it. I was lucky to have someone like Claire who could forgive me for being so pathetic and love me despite my weakness. Claire's sadism became apparent to me very early in our relationship, early enough that I could have ended it easily if that had been my desire.

This is something that I often thought people wouldn't understand about us if I were ever brave enough to talk to someone about it. It never mattered to me that Claire was hurting me for gratification; her sexual sadism was an aspect of her that I could accept and that I consented to. I wasn't a masochist but that didn't matter, I wanted to please my lover and accepting pain was what was required to do it... so I let her hurt me. No the problem wasn't the sadism it was the abuse.

Yes they are different. In our sex lives Claire took control and I surrendered it willingly. There were rules I had to follow. If I did well she rewarded me. If I didn't do well she punished me, and yes she got off on the punishment more than the reward but that was ok. I loved both situations because she enjoyed both situations. We spoke about what my boundaries were, about what I could accept and what I couldn't. She was in control but there were limits to what she would do. This was not abuse.

The abuse occurred when Claire ignored my limits when she wasn't in control of herself and when the pain she was inflicting wasn't for sex at all but just plain old fashioned assault. It happened all too often. Claire was jealous, she was angry at the world, she was frustrated and often she was way out of control. Then she abused someone, usually me. Punches, kicks, choking and then when I was lying there battered, hurt and crying her sadistic lust would kick in, she'd get horny and she'd violate me. This was the true face of my goddess, my love. I didn't consent to being treated like that. I didn't ask for it. I didn't deserve it but she made me feel like I did. For a long time I believed I did.

The serious abuse didn't start till after our army basic training ended. I remember those basic training days as the sweetest most wonderful times, despite how hard they actually were. In those days Claire was claiming me, taming me, owning me and training me. It was a period of beautiful self discovery for both of us. She introduced herself to me, my goddess. She taught me about reward and punishment, pleasure and pain and finally she taught me how badly I needed to be a good girl. By the end of basic training my obedience to Claire was almost absolute. She had me programmed. I would do anything for her. I did do terrible things for her.

After basic training was over we gained a new sexual freedom. We were to join the same Corp and would be on the same Corp training courses. Army life was not quite so regimented after basic training. You'd passed through the gauntlet, proven yourself worthy. They were not trying to break you anymore. We were now in barracks with two person rooms. Claire was not my first roommate but she didn't waste any time sorting that out. I don't know if she bribed or threatened my first roommate Anna but three days after we moved in Anna swapped rooms with Claire.

Now for the first time ever we were free to love each other openly. No pillow stuffed in my mouth to keep me quiet. I'd actually miss that. No trying not to let the bed make any noise and my new favourite, no having to do it in the dark... Oh gods the joy! To make love to my goddess in the daytime, her beautiful sleek frame stretched out above mine, her long smooth legs slipping over mine, her pussy sliding up and down my wet thigh, Her eyes holding me so tightly I could barely breathe, her teeth sinking into the soft underside of my breasts. My screams, un-muffled, uncontained, as they join her cries of climax. Her blissful smiles, lust sated eyes on fire, rewarding me with love. Oh god Claire I miss you! I'm so fucking sorry! But I can't regret what I did.

She collected toys to use on me. She loved strap-ons, butt plugs, nipple clamps and restraints. I loved vibrators, blindfolds and gags. These differences gave us a good foundation on which to base my rewards and punishments. But there were other less loving objects involved in our relationship, the ruler, her belt, her boots and the stool that normally sat near our desk. When these items came out I knew I was in serious trouble. I would cry with dread as she strapped me to that stool but never beg, begging made her angrier. I wouldn't try and apologise either. There was no point at that stage and truth be told I probably hadn't done anything wrong though she would have come up with some flimsy justification for whatever was about to happen.

If I was being strapped to that stool then Claire was angry about something and someone was going to get hurt. I was that someone, though it was unlikely I was the cause of her anger. She would lie to herself, tell herself that this was just play but it wasn't. I would lie to myself, tell myself this was somehow my fault but it wasn't. She was going to hurt me a lot, take me well beyond our agreed limits and she'd be watching me, waiting for that moment when I broke. That moment made her feel powerful; it made me feel powerless, valueless and worthless.

When I broke and she saw it in my eyes she'd go wild with lust, she'd fuck me roughly then go and masturbate while I lay there still strapped to the stool, naked and crying at the violation. Finally she would come and free me. Lust sated, eyes on fire, trying to sooth me with love I couldn't feel because I was too numb, too dead inside. I could apologise now, it was safe. It didn't matter what I was apologising for. It just mattered that I could now. It did nothing for me but it brought her down, brought her back from the dangerous edge.

"I'm so fucking sorry Claire. Please Claire, can you forgive me? Claire, please? Tell me you love me?"

I'd snuggle up beside her in one of our beds, trying not to wince as the bruises on my back or the belt welts on my backside contacted the sheets. I'd whisper to her how much I loved her and how sorry I was that she was upset. I'd tell her I would do better. Then she'd cry because she was coming down from her high, regaining her self control and realising she'd hurt me again. I would cry because she was crying.

We'd fuck every day; that kind of abuse would happen about once a month. Just long enough for the bite marks, bruises and welts from the last time to fade.

Sometimes I craved the days of our basic training. I craved the pillow jammed in my mouth. I loved it when Claire gagged me, it reminded me of the pillow and it meant I couldn't talk, couldn't get myself into trouble with my stupid mouth. Claire loved it because it took away my ability to say no. Not that I would often but she liked that I couldn't. I loved how excited that made her. She would torment me. I loved to be tormented.

"So pet, look what I have here."

She was holding up the biggest dildo in her collection, a double ended monster that she'd never actually used on me before. It was huge. I'd be tied to the bed on my front, naked with my legs and backside off the end so she could take me from behind, pillows propped around my head and under my chin so I'm looking straight ahead at the wall.

Being restrained like that got me writhing in excitement. I wanted to beg her not to use it on me because it was too big, wanted to beg her to use it on me because she'd love it, we both would. I was in that frenzied state, that mixture of excitement and fear that I'd become so used to, so addicted to. I'm getting wet and my juices are trickling down my inner thighs, their slow progress a tickle torture more acute than even Claire could have devised. I was gasping around my ball gag, dribble running down my chin.

Claire would get a huge grin on her face, she was in her element. She sat the massive toy down on the bed in front of me.

"Look how long that is Jesse. Look how fat that is. Can you take that Pet?"

I was rolling my eyes as I tried to make eye contact with her. I was grunting as I tried to beg around my gag. God I wanted that thing in me. I was terrified of it but I wanted it as well. Claire knew exactly what I was feeling of course. She knew me better than I knew myself. She loved to get me into this state, frothing madness, conflict between desire and fear.

"Good girl Jesse. Good girl!"

Those magic words!

She started stroking my back from my neck to my buttocks. Long slow strokes that left me twitching against my bindings. She used long strips of silk to tie me. She knew how to tie the knots so they wouldn't get too tight. With her other hand she picked up the toy and started slapping me with it, my face, my buttocks, my legs, not hard enough to hurt, just a warning. This was her way of telling me what would happen if I fucked up, if I struggled or resisted. It was actually quite a solid object despite being made of some kind of soft rubber material. She could hurt me with it if she wanted. She was making sure I knew that.

Claire came back up near my head where I could see her again. She wiped the dribble from my chin. I was grateful for that, she knew I didn't like the feeling of having my face in a wet patch, it brought back unpleasant memories.

"Now look what I have Jesse."

In her hands she had three toys. The first was a butt plug I didn't like. It was too big and didn't rub me right inside. I didn't feel sexy wearing it. The second was one of my favourites, a much smaller butt plug that she sometimes made me wear under my clothing in public. I loved the feel of it in me. I loved having a sexy secret. I loved the intense intimacy of having her put it in me. It wasn't my absolute favourite anymore though, I had a new favourite and Claire was holding that as well. It was another anal toy but not a plug. Five balls on a rubber thread, each a little larger than the last. Going in it felt good. Inside it was as large as the big butt plug I didn't like but because the balls were separate they didn't hold me rigid inside. They didn't feel wrong like the big plug did. Coming out they were heaven.

There weren't many feelings that could take me closer to an orgasm without actually pushing me over the edge, than the feeling of Claire ever so slowly pulling those balls out of me. Each one would stretch me open, oh so slowly... stretch me till it hurt... then Pop! The relief- the moment of involuntary spasms and then the pressure again, the inevitable pressure as the next ball moves into place. Oh god! Oh GOD, YESS! UGGG! That's what I wanted and Claire could tell. She teased me.

"Oh pet you want this one?"

She was holding up the big plug. I was tied up there, trying to shake my head but couldn't. She knew that and laughed at my efforts.

"No... this one then?" The small butt plug.

Of course it's not the one I want either but she's decided to use it any way. She knows I want the balls but she needs to control me, she needs to do things her own way. I haven't earned a reward yet. I can't see what she's doing as she moves round behind me but I can hear and my imagination and memory are more than up to the task of filling in the gaps.

I hear her walk over to the toiletries cabinet. She's gathering things. Probably lube (or at least I hope so) and a hand towel.

I hear her drop some fabric. I hear a little plastic cap pop. Yay! We are using lube this time! Thank you Claire! Thank you Goddess for your mercy and love.

Some slurping noises as she tries to squeeze lube from an almost spent tube. My heart is falling. Who was supposed to buy more lube? Was it me? Is this my fault? No! It was her turn! Damn! I hate when it's her turn to buy things.

Her face pops up in front of me. She's holding the little butt plug and the great big dildo.

"Ok pet. Slight logistical problem, supply lines have been compromised. Only enough rations for one platoon. Who gets them? Frontal assault team?" She held up the giant double ender,

"Or the infiltration squad?" She held up the Butt plug.

I groaned around my gag at her perverse humour.

"Hey! None of that. Chose quickly or I'll chose for you!" She gave me a slap on the chops with the two headed monster.

It's an awful choice but I've taken the plug without lube before, I know I can do that. I don't know I can take that monster without lube. I use my eyes to communicate my choice as best I can and Claire smiles. She is really beginning to enjoy herself now, I mean even more so than she would have done. The lube running out has put this game right back in her ball park.

"Okey dokey sweet cheeks, good choice, prepare for operation code named, 'make Jesse squawk like a chicken'!"

I snorted gracelessly. That always happened when she made me laugh with a ball gag in my mouth. Damn! I could feel my face burning.

Behind me now I felt a little intrusion. It was Claire's finger tip and she was using it to spread some of my juices up to my bum hole. I wiggled in pleasure. I was very ticklish around the outside in that area. Soon her finger was in me up to the second knuckle and I was making little gasping noises around my gag. There was no playful banter now. Things had begun in earnest.

It didn't take long for Claire's finger to be replaced by the tip of the plug. She never waited long. She wasn't patient with me. Things happened when Claire was ready. I was seldom ready but I'd learnt to accept that, to surrender, to tuck my mind away in some other place and let the physical sensations rule me. There was no dignity or self control in this place. There didn't need to be, I'd surrendered my dignity to Claire and she'd taken the control.

I grunted, gasped and groaned as she entered me, played with me and explored me. I was ruled by the moment, responding to every sensation with utter honesty. Crying out in pain one moment and pleasure the next. Purring, pleading wordlessly with that gag in my mouth, spitting, snorting and this was just the plug. Claire took her time playing with it but once it was firmly, deeply in place and she'd finished teasing me I was definitely more than ready for something in my pussy, just maybe not the monster, not yet. There was no going back now though.

I could hear the slurping sound as Claire squeezed the last few drops of lube from the spent tube. Shudders of ecstasy ran up my spine as I felt it positioned behind me. Shudders of panic also but I knew better than to let them rule me. Only Claire could rule me and if she even suspected for a moment that fear was in charge there would be hell to play. She could do my fear justice. I started thrusting my hips back as much as the silk cords around my wrists would allow. I could feel the mammoth head of the beast nudging up against me and I wanted it. I wanted it before the fear overpowered the arousal.

Through Claire's explorations I had a pretty good idea of what my own physical capabilities were. This was beyond what I could take. She would be able to put it in. I could handle the girth, though it would be a stretch but she wouldn't be able to push it all in me. I could take eight inches without pain, nine was very uncomfortable. This thing was probably twice that but I had a secret hope. I wanted that hope to be true so badly. After all it was a double ended dildo wasn't it? They have a very specific purpose and I wanted that so much.

We'd never gotten off together before, always her or me, not both. I wanted to feel her fuck me and I wanted her to enjoy it as much If not more than I did. This was not the kind of hope that I was likely to see met. Claire was very funny about sex. She was never comfortable with intimacy without control. Sex had to be on her terms. She loved to orgasm but it had to be exactly how she wanted it. She chose when and how it would happen. When we had sex for her pleasure it was like she was masturbating and I was just the toy she used for the job. That made me sad. I wished I could satisfy her deeper.

On very rare occasions I managed to get Claire so aroused that she lost control. Then she'd explode with pleasure, her orgasms seemed much more intense like that. I loved when that happened and I think deep down she did too. She was wise to my tricks though. She knew to grab my hands as she was passing through that phase just before orgasm. If she didn't I could run my hands over her breasts or up her sides. I could try and get a finger inside her. All of these were very naughty things and I risked punishment if I tried them but if I pulled it off it was worth it. To see Claire hit the roof in one of those orgasms was what I lived for, to see the blissful smile and the hazy eyes. God, to see Claire's eyes with anything other than fire in them, those moments were worth any risk.

That day I wanted Claire to share the toy with me. I was tied down. She had me firmly under control and I was gagged so I couldn't trick, beg or entice her. I only had one way to achieve my goal. I had to get her so hot that she couldn't help it. I had to get her so horny that she wanted it as much as I did. I slammed myself back again. I had about two inches of movement against my bonds and that monster toy was up against me at the very edge of my range. With my hands turning red in the tightening silk cord I slammed back again against my bindings, driving myself at the monster, yelling around the gag like I'd never done before, my voice guttural and animalistic.

I couldn't fake this kind of wild. I could only do it or not do it. I fucking did it and Claire gave me what I was demanding as I felt myself open like never before. My body became the vessel that contained the beast. Claire, true to form drove it in hard and I screamed my pleasure around the gag as the monster filled me from my stretched lips to my deepest core. I writhed with it in me. I'd never let myself go like this before with my mind still in control. Normally I let sensation drive my mind away during sex.

She held the beast as I bucked. I grunted. Spasms shook me, stretched to capacity my walls couldn't clamp down and they couldn't relax, my mind was refusing to flee to my place of escape. My body knew what to do but my mind had never been engaged in pleasure like this before and I was being overwhelmed... slowly I began to fall into a rhythm.

My wild bucking grew steady, my grunting around the gag became rhythmic breathing and Claire matched the timing, never removing the monster but just nudging it in time with my hip thrusts, keeping it in me deep. I blew up. I blew like fireworks at New Year's celebrations, my biggest ever orgasm up to that point in time. Claire had a look of awe on her face as she came to remove my gag.

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