Reflections on a Painful Past Ch. 03

"Babe, are you okay? You didn't break yourself did you?"

I couldn't speak, it was still in me. I tried but only groans came out. She looked really excited. This was my only chance. I forced the words to come.

"Claire, please? You have to try this love... Fuck it with me Claire. It's so big! I need it Claire, please? Fuck it with it in me?"

My words were in short sentences. Short gasped sentences; it was all I could manage. Claire looked very uncertain and so fucking hot, she looked vulnerable and I liked it. This was well outside of her comfort zone. I was asking a lot and the fact that she even considered it was testament to our love. I could tell she was horny as hell; her long nipples were sticking out from her tiny breasts like pencil erasers and her eyes shone with excitement at what she'd just witnessed.

"You hold fucking still, all right? You fucking move about and I'll slap you like a red headed step child! I fucking mean it Jesses! You hold fucking still!"

The red head joke hurt but I didn't care. Was she really going to do it?

"Yes Claire. Please Claire? Yes!"

The monster was still in me and soon it would be starting to hurt but she was going to do it. If she was quick enough I might just be able to get off again as she did. I wanted it so much, so badly.

I was still tied down but the gag had been removed. I tried to encourage her while she positioned herself behind me.

"Claire I need this so bad... I need you to take it with me. I need this Claire. Thank you love! I need this."

I felt it move as she touched it. I felt every little vibration as she ran her hand down it, I felt a wonderful pressure as she pushed herself against it and I felt my heart wither up in my chest as that pressure ended with her sad little words.

"Fuck! I'm really sorry Jesse, I know how bad you want this... but I can't... I'm sorry Jesse... I... I just can't okay?"

I was silent. I had never felt so physically satisfied and emotionally desolate before in my life.

I never knew what had made Claire how she was but I appreciated that she'd tried, for me. I just wasn't being emotionally satisfied, to have come so close to fulfilment and then to turn back. I couldn't hide my disappointment, though I tried.

"It's ok love, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. I love you Claire. Can you untie me now please?"

She took the monster out. I felt stretched and hollow. She left the plug in my bum. I could remove that myself in the shower. Normally I would enjoy the experience but not this time. She had to cut the silk where it bound my ankles and it took her some time to pick the knots at my wrists. My thrusting had pulled even her careful knots too tight. That was the problem with silk.

She climbed into bed silently and I retreated to the shower to cry where she couldn't hear me. When I got back and crawled into bed with her she pretended to be asleep. The next morning she knocked me out with her steel capped boot and left me with a chipped front tooth and a bleeding nose.

It was my fault, or so I told myself at the time, I should have known that she would be feeling vulnerable. I was being as cheerful as I could manage, trying to convince her that I was happy, that I was satisfied and loved her. She was being quiet and withdrawn. Later I would come to dread those moods but the abuse wasn't ingrained yet, not habitual. I made some silly remark. God I wish I'd had the gag in my mouth. I can't remember what I said, something about my previous roommate I think. Anna, we'd almost become friends.

The next thing I knew I was waking up on the floor. Claire was crying and swearing. I was really confused. I couldn't comprehend what had happened. All my senses were running together.

There was blood and my face hurt and Claire's boot was there and I was crying and Claire was trying to make me stop and she was trying to stop my nose from bleeding and I discovered the bit of tooth in my mouth and I cried more and understanding dawned...

She'd thrown her boot at me. Heartbreak. Claire apologised, I apologised. We both cried more and we picked up the pieces. Life went on, except my tooth was broken and so were my mind and my heart. The tooth could be fixed, the others... well, twenty years and counting. It would get worse before it got better.

Claire's jealousy was not just a problem for me she was a danger to those around her. She took me out to dinner one night at a fancy restaurant. I was way out of my depth and feeling nervous. I think maybe Claire was too but she didn't say so. We had a lovely waitress, a girl, young, probably still in school. She had a friendly smile and she put me at ease. She explained what the French words on the menu meant and suggested a wine. I didn't feel at all like she was patronising me but Claire said she was. I think Claire was just jealous. The girl had smiled at me and I'd smiled back. By then I should have known better.

The poor wee thing had just been doing her job but I could see trouble brewing as she went away with our drinks order. I tried to avert disaster.

"This is very nice Claire; I've never been to a place this fancy before. Have you been here before?"

"That girl was laughing at us Jesse."

"No Claire, I'm sure she wasn't. She seemed nice. She was just doing her job."

"You think so?"

"I do."

"You think she was nice?"

"Claire please, you know that's not what I meant."

"Fuck! You're a stupid slut sometimes Jesse! Some little bitch gives you half a smile and you're so fucking infatuated you can't even see she's taking the piss!"

Her voice was rising. People were staring. I was feeling humiliated but there was a more urgent problem. I knew that if I did the wrong thing now that poor waitress was going to get hurt. I also knew I was going to get hurt now no matter what happened. That was fine, I deserved it but that girl hadn't done anything wrong. I stood up suddenly.

"I'm sorry Claire, I hadn't realised." My voice went up several decibels, "The service in this place is crap anyway! That waitress is a fucking joke! Let's get the hell out of here. I've lost my appetite."

I stormed out. Claire followed me laughing and bowing to the other diners who were staring after me in shock. She flipped the bird at the front door concierge on the way past. That poor waitress girl probably went to sleep that night cursing me, never knowing what I was enduring at home on her behalf. That was ok, that was as it should be. If Claire hadn't been diverted there would have been carnage. I wore that girls welts on the back of my legs for three weeks and I was proud of what I'd done. It wasn't often I was proud of myself in those days.

I wasn't proud of myself the night I helped Claire kick the shit out of a couple of jock students who'd joked a little too loudly about lesbians when they saw us walk into a bar together. I wasn't proud of myself when I stood by and watched her break an old drunk man's fingers for touching her arse. The guy was a dirty old sot but the punishment didn't fit the crime. I wasn't proud of myself the hundreds of times platoon or medical staff recognised the signs of abuse written all over my face and body and I lied blatantly to their faces. They knew I was lying, I knew that they knew and I lied anyway. Not proud moments.

It was hard to hide what was going on. Makeup became a very thin mask but emotional damage was hard to hide. The smallest kindnesses could bring tears of gratitude to my eyes. The smallest criticism felt like death, my self confidence was a shrivelled thing. Everyone who knew us well knew what Claire was doing to me and they were isolating her for that. That just made Claire angrier at the world and me more isolated as well. My father died in those days, cancer. Claire was all I had left and I clung to her all the harder. But my situation had been noticed by those in a position to intervene.

The military didn't deal with situations like mine out in the open, they had other ways. They would give us every chance to sort ourselves out first. Claire was sent away on a six month radio specialist course. If she passed (and it was expected that she would) she'd be sent off on a six month deployment not long afterwards. The first six months were lonely months. Claire would visit every couple of weeks for a dirty weekend. I'd do my best to please her and not burden her with how miserable I was. She was missing me a lot too and for the most part our weekends together were very nice.

I was miserable despite that though. Between her visits I would go into a kind of anxious frenzy. I had a need for her that wasn't being met even by the weekend visits. It wasn't just a sexual thing; it was more about the nature of our relationship. She dominated me and without her demands, her commands, I was lost. My emotional need to be dominated was not being met and the frustration was filling my mind. I could think of nothing but her. I tried to distract myself to no avail.

The other women in my unit were too intimidated by Claire to befriend me and the men were a little too friendly. My father was dead. Everyone talked about me behind my back. I was desperately lonely. My platoon commander tried to get me to open up about my relationship with Claire but there was no way I would talk about it with someone that knew me, especially not a man. In the end I started going out to random bars in the evenings just to find someone to talk to. I preferred quiet bars, almost empty, quiet music so I could actually talk.

I mostly talked to bar tenders, sometimes other girls; if men started talking to me I generally made a polite withdrawal. I didn't tell Claire what I was doing. She wouldn't mind me going out but she'd get paranoid about who I was talking to, what I was saying. She'd think I was meeting up with someone. It would make her worry.

The company I found in a couple of friendly bar tenders, the ever changing faces of bar patrons and my few dirty weekends with Claire was enough to get me through that first six months though only just. I never talked about Claire. I knew better than that but I was on a first name basis with a few people and I had to tell them something so I told them about the military and that I didn't have many friends. I told them about my father passing on. It was a relief just to talk.

Claire passed her course and came home. She was home for three months and then she was going to be deployed for six months on a UN peacekeeping mission. Those three months were actually quite fantastic. We'd been together for a bit over three years at that stage. Claire's abuse had been building slowly over the years and had peaked just before they sent her away but while she was gone it had stopped. She didn't hurt me during her visits and she didn't hurt me when she came home. Well not outside of the acceptable play that I consented to during sex.

I think in her heart she knew she had to stop what she'd been doing and she was doing her best. In those three months after she came back and before she left again she was loving and even tender. We had a couple of small arguments but she didn't hurt me for them. Our sex was fantastic. She kept within my boundaries, she stayed in control. I really appreciated the effort she was making. In return I broke a few rules, to give her an excuse to punish me a bit. We were both satisfied. We were both happy.

I will never know if we could have actually worked things out. In the end it was me that ruined everything. Maybe if I hadn't Claire would have come back from her UN deployment and we would have had a long and happy life together. Sure we'd have the memories of the pain she'd caused me but I'd forgiven Claire for the bruises almost as quickly as she'd given them too me. She needed to hurt me so I was there to be hurt. No happy future awaited us though. Instead I betrayed her. I hurt her worse than anything she'd ever done to me.

Claire was only gone on her peace keeping mission for a week before the awful lonely depression started to creep back into my mind. It wasn't a normal loneliness; it was a lack of direction. I needed to submit but my goddess was not there to dominate me. I knew the cure now though, distraction was needed. I dressed in my best civvies and headed out. There was a new bar over near the university that was busy on Fridays and Saturdays but quiet the rest of the week.

It became one of my favourites and it was where I met Jack, a student at the University who worked nights as a bartender. He knew how to chat. He knew when I needed an ear and he knew when I needed idle banter. He became the first real friend I'd had other than Claire in four years. With Claire overseas I really needed a friend. There would be no dirty weekends this round. Claire was gone for six months and that was that, I was going cold turkey.

What can I tell you about Jack? He was a beautiful man. The things I found attractive about him are probably not what a straight woman would appreciate in a man but I'm sure there is plenty they would like too. Jack had very gentle brown eyes. He never raised his voice. He listened to what you had to say before he started to talk. He had wavy brown hair. I found his slender frame quite attractive. I'm sure straight girls would have found that a bit too feminine but it appealed to me. His hands did as well, he had long slender fingers. Crafty fingers, artists hands.

At first we became friends and later he would become my lover, later still my husband. In those first days all we did was chat though. He told me a lot about himself and very slowly I told him bits and pieces about me. I couldn't help it; he drew me out of my shell with charm and genuine curiosity. Not the lewd curiosity I'd come to fear from men, especially when they found out I was lesbian, but genuine friendly gentle curiosity. In my weakness I again latched onto another person in a moment of desperate need. History was repeating, only this time it was a man.

I guess if you consider me a prize then you'd think Jack a lucky man, he found me at just the right time but if you think me a prize you've really got the wrong end of the stick. I was no prize; I was a bloody mess, an emotional wreck, burnt out and paranoid. I was afraid of people. I had no sense of self worth and I was aggressively defensive. Jack befriended a broken thing, a wounded animal and had his hand bitten for it many times over the years.

The shift from friendship to lovers was a painful one for me, full of guilt about betraying Claire and absolute uncertainty about my own value. How could anybody possibly see value in me? How could I ever expect to be a satisfactory partner for a man? I never would have thought before then that I could even find a man attractive but he was so gentle and kind. I found myself fantasizing about him. One night I masturbated and thought of Jack instead of Claire. I couldn't lie to myself after that. I definitely did find this man sexually attractive.

The fantasy was bizarre, I hadn't seen many men naked, just pictures and the occasional dirty movie. So in my fantasy he was kind of two dimensional but he had Claire's great big double ended dildo coming out from between his legs and he took me wildly from behind making deep male rumbling sounds in his chest like a lion. I know. Shut up! It got me off.

He was the opposite of Claire in many ways. I wanted him. I wanted the emotions he made me feel. Somehow despite the fact that he didn't particularly appeal to me physically that emotional desire had become sexual. With Claire I felt like I needed to hide a lot of what I was thinking, I had to vet my own words really carefully before they left my mouth. With Jack I felt like I could say anything and slowly he helped me rebuild my self confidence.

"Jesse, I value our friendship very much. I never let myself hope for more because... well, because of Claire and your preferences in the gender department but that girl doesn't treat you right. You don't see what harm she's done to you but I do and I think I would be a very poor friend if I let you walk out that door and back to that without saying something."

"Jesse you are beautiful. You are smart and I find you very attractive. You haven't been treated right. You don't deserve to be hit or hurt. I can't imagine you ever doing something that would warrant that kind of treatment. I want to be with you."

He said such wonderful things to me. And one day he found the perfect thing to say. He found what my heart desired though I hadn't even known it myself.

"I can keep you safe."

I got up and walked out of the bar. He had no idea what he was talking about. He couldn't keep me safe. Claire would kill him when she found out what he was wanting. Hell, she'd kill me too! I hadn't betrayed her yet but it was coming. I was definitely falling for him and he had made his desires clear. He wanted me to move out of barracks and into his flat with him. He flatted with his older sister, I'd met her and she was lovely.

In the car park I stopped and just breathed for a minute. I actually thought about what he'd said and that's when the tears came. They came with the realisation that I wanted what he was offering so badly. I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt carefree. Even if it was a fantasy I needed to believe in it.

It was that moment. That was the moment when I betrayed Claire. I turned around and with tears of mixed pain and joy in my eyes I walked back into the bar. He was looking a bit dejected and had poured himself a whisky but he perked up when he saw me return.

"Okay I want to feel safe. Make me safe, please. What now? Are you going to fuck me? I've never been with a man before."

"Wow. Hang on a minute Jesse. Let's just get this clear, you don't have to do anything you don't want to with me. You don't have to pay me to love you. I can keep you safe but it's going to take some commitments from you."

He'd said love. Was that an earthquake? My mouth opened and closed a few times and he fixed it for me with a kiss.

I dreamed of him that night, a deep voice, gentle brown eyes, long slender fingers. I dreamed I was kneeling between his legs. My hands were on his hips, his long fingers were tangled in my red hair and he was pulling me down slowly till my face was pressed up against the monster dildo between his smooth muscular thighs. I woke up in a tangled sweaty mess of sheets.

I wasn't ready to sleep with him yet. The idea hadn't had enough time to settle. I knew in my heart it was going to happen but I wasn't ready. He was patient with me, which was a novel and pleasant experience. We flirted.

"Jack, what's it like?" A shy voice, was I putting that on?

"What Jesse?"

"Sex... I mean, I know what sex is like but I mean the way you do it. You know straight sex?"

He was blushing. Cute, it would have been cuter if I wasn't blushing also.

"Ah... Well... You know what Jesse, you'll just have to find out for yourself, I don't have words for it. So what's it like for you then? You know with girls?"

"Girl, not girls, just the one Jack, there's only ever been Claire. It's wonderful, it's intense and it's difficult. I have to try very hard. She's not easy to satisfy. I'm getting pretty good at it though. I do as I'm told most of the time and she doesn't need to punish me as much anymore."

"Jesse, that doesn't sound very... Shit, I don't know! Does she love you Jesse? I know you love her but does she love you?"

"Oh yes Jack! She loves me more than anything. I'm the only thing she loves."

"You mean the only one she loves?"

"What did I say?"

"Thing"

"Oh."

That night in my dreams he was tying me up in silk cords. The cords were made of his sweet words. One passed between my legs and as he tugged it just kept on sliding and sliding, rubbing against me as it did, silky smooth, rubbing and sliding. I woke up with a gasp, my hand between my legs and I was very close to... No!