Reflections on a Painful Past Ch. 03

I had my first period when I was twelve, by the time I was fourteen it was clear that something was wrong with me. Endometriosis, look it up. I began taking the pill to relieve the symptoms and that worked for a number of years but when I was seventeen I developed a blood clot in my leg. I had to stop the pill. Fortunately the endometriosis did not return but when I joined the army at eighteen I was not on contraceptives and obviously with Claire it was never necessary.

Jack and I made love a lot over the next couple of months but I like to think that it was that first time that did it. I had no periods after that and by the time Claire returned three months later I knew with no doubt. It was my last day in the military I'd already taken care of the paperwork.

She walked in the day she returned with a glow in her eye. That quickly faded. All my stuff was gone. I was sitting on my bed with tears in my eyes. I'd been a wreck for a week.

"So this is it then Jesse?"

My god she was impressive! Such control but there was unconcealed anger in her tone. A sand storm on the horizon. A wave building and building and building... Beautiful menace.

"I'm so sorry Claire, I've fucked up. I have to leave now. I'm so sorry."

I couldn't look her in the eye. I was sitting cross legged and I looked at my lap. I knew when she crossed the room and stood at the foot of my bed but I couldn't look into her fire.

"You're not leaving Jesse. Now who the fuck was it? I'm going to kill the bitch!"

I didn't say anything I just handed her the pregnancy tester.

A pregnant moment of silence.

Pregnant.

"FUCK!"

"A MAN?!?"

"FUCK! FUCKING FUCK! YOU STUPID CUNT!"

My tears were pouring; I could hear the pain in her voice. I'd done that. I was a stupid cunt.

"I'm... I'm so sorry Claire..."

What else could I say.

"Fuck off! Don't talk to me. Get out! Don't you ever come back bitch! Don't you fucking come begging to me with some fucking cock's brat hanging off your tit!"

Each word was a punch. Claire had punched me plenty of times, I could take this. At least this type of punching wouldn't hurt the precious little life I carried in my worthless sack of shit body. As I walked out the door I looked at Claire one last time. She was crying. So was I. She had her fists clenched and her knuckles were white. Her feet were wide apart like she was bracing at the top of a cliff against a powerful wind. She really was a Goddess. She held passions that couldn't be contained in a mortal body. Not even one as glorious as hers.

I didn't feel regret though. I was sorry for the pain I caused her but I couldn't regret it.

Leanne you were conceived with true love- the first time I had ever experienced it in my life without a side order of pain. Jack and I married a couple of months before you were born.

We love you. I regret nothing.

-Obviously this letter has to be destroyed now. The Catharsis is over and the evidence has to be buried. I look across the room at the shredder. I look through my tear reddened eyes at the pile of pages on my desk. In the driveway I can here Jack's car arriving. The whole day has gone by? I feel light headed but also lighter of the soul. I look at the shredder. I look at the pile of papers, the papers that contain my demon; Claire is no longer inside me. I look at the shredder...