Rejection & Acceptance

I.

The first day she crossed the line, she wanted a cookie and a grade change.

It was a warm June day. She was on campus taking an extra sociology class. She decided that before she went to her sociology professor's class to ask why she earned a C- on a paper she had written, she decided to stop by the local coffee stand for one of her favorite treats: a cookie.

She was waiting in line behind a guy who was engulfed in a spaceship game, who paid her no attention, as did most guys interacted with on a daily basis. She kept her head down and looked at her feet through her see through sandals. They were chunky and her tiny toes looked like sausages in wrapping paper. Disguised by her toes, she decided to look at something more favorable.

She lifted her head up to look at the cookies in the display case: Chocolate, Oatmeal Raisin, Double Chocolate, and M&M's. She was eyeing the front M&M in the front when out of the corner of her eye and within a good shot of her ear of a disturbance.

It was her professor who she was on her way to see. He was sitting with another woman at a table. She was blonde and had her hair pulled back into a pony tail. She seemed upset and struggled to wave hands over her head in her grey suit and blue blouse underneath. Next to her, the girl's professor was calmer and seemed to want to ease the tension and draw attention away from the crowd that was watching them. Unfortunately, he was not successful. People stopped to watch them as she yelled and called him names like 'dog', 'animal', and vermin' seemed to be very upset. The climax came when the woman grabbed a cup of coffee near hear, took off the lid, and threw it in his face. She then yelled a few words in Chinese and stormed off. The professor was left soaked by coffee with a crowd watching. He waved to them as if it were nothing then gathered his things and walked to his office.

Still in line, the girl looked at him in the distance and wondered what had happened. What went wrong? Why was the blonde woman mad at him?

When she came into his office roughly 15 minutes later, he was sitting at his desk working on his laptop. He wore a silver and red tie and white shirt, both splotches of brown on them. When she sat in front of him, there was silence. She could smell the coffee on him across the desk that separated them. From there she also saw his golden wedding band on his left finger. It shone in the sunlight, as did the framed picture of him and the blonde woman who threw coffee on him. She was his wife. She looked thin, happy, and beautiful, wrapped in his big arms. Then, she looked at his face not in the picture. His eyes looked tired and worn, instead of vibrant as they did in his wedding photo. His chocolate brown eyes drooped like a puppy and his coffee soaked black hair shined like licorice. He looked at the girl as she sat there with her hands folded in her lap ankles crossed, trying to be small and invisible even though she was everything but that in physical form. He smiled and reached across the desk and grabbed her hand. She felt his hand on hers and pulled away. Connections between men and her had not gone well in the past and she didn't expect them to change with him.

Her mother had always told her that she was a pretty girl underneath all the fat she had. If she lost it she would be pretty. Until then, no man would want her for anything more than a hook up.

And none did, that was until, that summer.

II.

She wasn't as big as she used to be a few summers ago but just because she wasn't big anymore didn't mean that she had a date.

No date tonight. No other person, man or woman would be joining her for dinner. It was just her and her ghosts of dinners past. She went to the refrigerator to get out her one course dinner: a salad of dark green spinach, light green romaine lettuce, cherry red tomatoes, and grilled brown chicken. Healthy, multi-colored, and fresh.

She looked at the food then looked at herself. She had always struggled with her weight but as of late had been able to take off quite a bit of it. To be precise 88 pounds. She wanted to keep it that way and loose more if she could. Her goal was to lose 100 pounds and the last 12 pounds were giving her a bit of a challenge to get down to 125.

"Eh...maybe after a good sweat session,"

She put the salad back in the refrigerator and went into her living room and put in a Jillian Michael's kickboxing DVD. She sat on the floor and laced on her running shoes as the DVD menu appeared.

She selected play and began to workout with the home trainer.

"Up, Punch, Up, Punch, Up, Punch, Come on! Keep Going!!"

Pre dinner workout to burn off the dinner calories.

"Up, Punch, Up Punch, Up Punch!"

Another distraction from the loneliness; for her, companionship via virtual reality was the only type of socializing she would do tonight. That was the benefit of workout videos in her mind. You didn't have to leave your home to feel like you were a part of the world. You could make the world come to you, or at least the utopian version of it that you had in mind. In this version, she had Jillian Michaels training her to a 100-pound weight loss.

"4 More. Up Punch Up Punch Up Punch Up Punch!! Good Job! Now jumping jacks!"

III.

The first time they had sex it wasn't planned. She was in the mall, looking for a bathing suit. She had been to Sears, JcPenny, Nordstrom's, and a series of other smaller boutiques. Despite the large quantity of stores that she had d been to, she couldn't find one in her size: a 24W. Everything was teeny-tiny bikini in neon green, pink, and yellow, sizes 0, 4, and 6. Nothing in midnight black, blue, or even svelte grey in a one piece. What type of mall was this?

She was about to quit trying to find one and take the bus back home when she caught his eyes. He was walking in the other direction while she was looking at the ground, again. Trying to be invisible or at least small in the big mall. He entrapped her foot in his and made her stop and look at in his eyes. Those chocolate brown eyes. From there he followed her, from store to store, not letting her go a few feet away from him without being in view. She never felt anything like this before or had anyone other than her mom go shopping with her. She wasn't sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing, but it was the first time she had gotten any good attention from a man that wasn't exactly negative. Eventually she found one with his help. It was a navy blue tankini tie up two-piece. It was nice; it made her midsection look smaller than it actually was.

After she made her purchase, she was preparing to catch the bus back home when he made an offer to her. The offer was that he would meet her for coffee at Starbucks in a few hours. Name brand coffee for a change.

She hesitated to answer him.

He was a married man, her professor nonetheless, and he was shameless in flirting with her. He was nice. He said she was "a beautiful bounty" and "that her eyes sparkled" and "that he wanted to know her on a personal level".

She wasn't going to let that go.

IV.

Her mom called, as she always did around 9'oclock after she'd worked out, showered, and eaten. She asked her usual questions: how she was, how her weight was, what she had eaten, if she had met anyone new, how work was. She said she good, that she hadn't lost or gained any weight which was better than gaining weight though loosing would have been better, she told her that had worked out an hour before dinner and that she had eaten a spinach salad for dinner with grilled chicken. No dressing of course and she said that there were no new guys and nothing interesting was going on at work.

Which was only partially true but she did not reveal this to her mother during her daily questioning session.

She met him at a bank. He winked at her and gave her his card with his cell phone number written on the back. She pondered calling or texting him for a few minutes. In the end, she told herself that Facebook stalking would be the best option. After ending her nightly call with her mom, she looked him up on the blue and white social site. He had graduated college, was working on his MBA at the University of Phoenix, and worked at the bank as a teller.

He had accomplished so much and was on a path to somewhere probably at the top of Wells Fargo or some other bank or credit union.

Much too different from her. He wasn't even worth considering. She had graduated 6 months prior and was still working at the boutique. A dual set of degrees in business and photography should have prepared her for a career as an independent photographer. But the season was slow and no one wanted an inexperienced professional photographer taking photos of their wedding, baby christening, or other special even. Therefore, she was sure what to do with her life other than work for $17.00 an hour managing people whose job it was to sell overpriced shoes and purses.

It wasn't fun but it was a paycheck.

V.

She met him for coffee. She noticed that he had taken off his wedding band as his right hand held her left. He pushed a piece of her hair back. They kissed in the corner in their seats around the aroma of coffee and black tea. After a while they're kissing extended to making out.

After getting some slightly strange looks from those watching them devour each other's face, they made their way for some intimate privacy in the alleyway in the back.

She could see that it was getting dark. The sky was orange and his eyes were brown. He kissed her in a way that she hadn't been kissed before. Fire filled his lips as he kissed hers. He pushed her against the brick wall of the building and pulled himself into her.

She turned her face away from him, to catch her breath out of the dream like situation.

"Hey. what's wrong?" He asked.

"Nothing, nothing, It's just ummm..."She stuttered and looked down at the ground.

"Is this your first time with man?" He asked her.

"No, no, no," She said. "Well I mean...well usually...I mean...wait what are you doing?"

She looked down and saw that he had slid down to the ground in a squatting position. He reached up to grab her around her waist and put his hands around her jean waistband.

"Let me ask you another question. Have you sucked off a guy before?" He asked.

"Yes,"

"Has he ever eaten you out to make it even?"

"No,"

"So let me get this straight, no guy knows how you sweet you taste but you know how under developed and immature college boys taste?"

"I...I guess..."

"Well, I'm going to have to change all of that. That is if you'll let me. I don't want to do anything you don't want to but I have to say from here you look scrimptions and if your lips up there are an indication of your flavors down here, well...it'll be a sweet and delectable desert that I would love to devour,"

She looked around again. The sky was still orange and his eyes were still brown. As far as she knew, this would never happen again.

"Yes,"

VI.

After a few more minutes of looking at the bankers Facebook profile, she closed her laptop and put it on her nightstand to charge. She then crawled into bed, she snuggled underneath the covers. She turned off the light and pulled out her cell phone. Her eyes squinted at first but they readjusted. She went over her schedule for tomorrow. Spinning class at 5 AM, work from 8-3 at the store, interview at 330 for a photography internship a the local city paper; a full day for tomorrow. She turned off her phone and put it on her bed stand. She closed her eyes and started counting backward.

"100,99, 98, 97,96,95,94,93,92,91,90,"

BEEP, BEEP

A text from her Mom. It was a message about new wedding announcements. Always pushing her to get married. Especially now that she was nearing 25 and had no boyfriend to speak of.

She looked through the announcements. They were white with gold letters. White with blue letters, white with pink letters, white with black letters, white with his name on them.

His name on them.

She sat up and enlarged the picture and turned her light on.

It was him and his new brides name and they're wedding date and the church. The date was tomorrow and the church was only 30 minutes away in the next big city.

She closed the message put the phone on her drawer and began recounting in her head from where she left off.

" 90,89,88,87,86,85,84,83,82,81,80,79,78,77,76,75..."

VII.

From that first day at the mall and the first night behind Starbucks, they continued their affair into the heat of the summer. They both worked at the school and used their lunches for dates. He taught another sociology course while she was working through the summer as a TA for an absent-minded English professor that was in his 80's. He would drop off papers in the morning for her to grade while he lectured about Old English Texts. She worked diligently and quietly through the papers to finish before noon so she could enjoy the hour she had with her 'boyfriend' for all 60 minutes. They settled into a solid routine. She would come in at 7 in the morning, papers would be dropped off by 730 from 735 to 12 she would sit in the wooden colonial chair and lean on the metal desk that did not match it and go through each paper, making line edits, comments about grammar and content. Half way through around 12, her 'boyfriend' would stop by. He would sometimes help her grade, other times pull her away from it and take her to lunch or bring her something. Sometimes they would be on the menu for each other. For her it was unlike anything she had ever known.

To be desired, to be ravaged, to be wanted. It tasted so good.

Even though she knew it was bad.

Then one day, he told her to meet her somewhere new. He left her a note on her car overnight with handwritten instructions for her to meet him at the Hilton Suites in downtown at noon in room 535.

She excitedly read the note over and kept it in her purse while at work. When the clock hit 11:30, she leapt from her desk and began the drive from the college to the downtown hotel. When she arrived at the hotel, she checked in with the concierge and stepped inside the small store on the inside for some chocolate aphrodisiacs and Trojan protection.

She wasn't exactly sure what was going to happen but she wanted to be protected just in case.

Unfortunately, nothing happened for her that day. She waited in the room, alone on soft white linen bedding, surrounded by red rose petals.

No 'boyfriend', no lover.

She thought maybe he got caught up. She called him nothing, She waited and waited and waited.

Called again.

Nothing.

Her heart sank as her stomach growled. She opened the box of chocolates she bought for the two of them and ate them alone.

She called again, still nothing.

She made one last call before she left the room. No answer.

She wondered, "Did she do something wrong?"

VIII.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. 430 AM. She woke up with her eyes fluttering open. She saw her phone glowing in the darkness of the room. She hit it with her hand and turned it off. After about 3 seconds, she stretched and turned on the light. She headed for the bathroom. She pulled off the washcloth from the towel bar. She wet it under the sink and wiped her face with it. She looked at her face. She was thinner than she had been in the past. She looked down and pulled up her shirt, stretch marks were still there. She slid on her running shorts, jumped into her car and drove to the gym.

She walked into it and took her normal seat on a cycle in the second row on the left. Though she was good and the instructor had told her to come to the front, she hadn't. She wasn't a person who liked to look at herself and she didn't think people would follow her. She just simply wanted to burn some calories and get a good sweat. As the music started, she began to pedal and burn.

***

She went home that night, waiting by the phone on her couch, wondering what she did wrong. She opened a bag of Oreos and started to eat them and ponder in her mind the things she did wrong to her lover.

Had she annoyed him with the phone calls? Did she forget that he had a meeting? Maybe he was in an accident? He could be dead? Should she call the police?

BEEP, BEEP,BEEP

"Hello!" She exclaimed.

"Hello dear," He answered back.

"I waited at the hotel for you," She began.

"Dear, I'm sorry about that but I'm afraid that I have some news," He said cutting her off.

"I've found the one for me. She's everything I've ever wanted in a lover, in a friend, in a life partner, in a wife. I've found my soul mate,"

She was silent. The joy and happiness in her heart was drained out in an instant. Her heart felt like a deflated balloon and her brain was a fuse on the fritz set to explode.

"Well that's fantastic. Congratulations."

"Thank you. I asked her to marry me when the divorce is over and she said yes. She's just amazing. An orthopedic surgeon, a philosopher, I guess we had to wait to find each other. She's never been married but she's a hard driven career woman,"

"Oh, how old is she?" She asked.

"44, well-seasoned for her age. Perfect for someone to balance me and my young self,"

He was 28, she was 24, and his new fiancé was 44.

She had been dumped for someone who was 20 years her senior.

"I have to go now," She said holding back her frustration and tears.

"Congratulations again, I wish you the best. Good bye,"

"Good,"

CLICK

IX.

By the time she was done with her hour-long spinning class, she had sweated enough for the morning. Her shirt was covered in sweat except for the outline of her sports bra. She clearly needed a shower. She quickly drove back home and washed off. As she rushed to cleanse herself of the sweat on her body, she scrubbed her skin hard until it reddened under the hot water. She wanted to wash it away. Her sweat, her oils, her fat, She wanted it to go away with the soap and wash away down the drain.

After about 15 minutes, the hot water ran out and she was forced out of the shower into the bathroom in front of the mirror. As she looked at herself, she was disgusted.

"Ugly, stretch marked, loser, no one would ever want to be with you. No one is ever going to stay and love you. No one."

X.

She was in shock. She was angry. She thought she was in love when in reality she was in lust.

He never loved her. He used her. He dumped her.

What a fool she was? How stupid could she have been? Was idiot stamped across her forehead?

"NOOOO!! NOOO!! NO!!" She screamed. She was in a rage. All she could see was red.

"NO!! NO!!"

DING DONG

BANG BANG BANG.

DING DONG

"Go away!!" She screamed. She threw a bottle of Vodka at the door and it crashed into a million pieces. She wanted to be left alone and wanted to make that clear to the person on the outside of her apartment.

She threw everything in her apartment around. Plates and dishes were broken, papers destroyed, chairs crushed. She threw everything she could see in view. Books, papers, her computer, her cell phone, boxes.

It was all a lie. He lied to her.

How could she have had such hope? He was just like all the others. He was never into her at all. He just used her.

It was a lie.

It all was a lie.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

CRASH

XI.

Sitting in traffic, she saw couples on both sides of her, one kissing, the other looking at each other longingly.

What had brought them together?

She looked in her notebook, she went over her notes: little things, big things, dinner flowers, anything basically. Love could be found in anything.

Except for her.

Oh well at least the sex was good.

After she lost her first 20 pounds she'd gone out with her girlfriends for a round of Tequila shots. She found a Brazilian guy who looked like an athlete 4 shots in but was anything but in the morning.