Rejection & Acceptance

40 pounds down she found a hot Irishman while shopping at Trader Joes.

At 60 pounds her trainer at Golds Gym finally noticed her.

At 80 he finally touched her.

She looked down and pulled up her shirt. Stretch marks were still evident under her blouse. She only hooked up with those guys to prove that she could feel something. That she wasn't cold and couldn't feel anything.

She could still feel. It was the hurt that she felt and numbed with sex it took away the pain he caused. Those old wounds were fresh every day, even more so with that invitation on her phone.

Maybe, just maybe, couldn't hide that part of herself forever. It was a part of her; her body. She loved it and she hated it. A love hate relationship; something like a relationship with anyone.

Even him.

XII.

After a few more hours of crying and breaking, she stopped. She looked around and saw the disaster she had created. It was everywhere. Paper, glass, plastic.

She stood in the center of the room began to clean up her mess. Most of the food she had in the house was on the floor and had mixed making for a horrible smell. Her papers were everywhere. Some should be saved while others couldn't. Who knew one person could make her so crazy. Was she this crazy? Even before she met him. As she looked at herself in the mirror, she saw what she was in her mind. Ugly, fat, undesirable, a waste receptacle for sperm; not a girlfriend, a fiancé, or a wife. Not even a date. Who would want to date someone who looked the way she did. With rolls of fat popping out of every inch of skin. She didn't want to be that anymore, she wanted to change.

She had to get smaller. If she were smaller, maybe, just maybe he would want her back. Maybe she would find him again one day.

The next day she went to the gym. She was the biggest person there but she was going to sweat. First she got on the treadmill and walked a bit. After a while she realized that she wasn't sweating but that people on the stair climbers were.

She hopped on a stair climber, set it to 10 and began to sweat.

After 30 minutes she was soaking with sweat, as she got off her legs were unsteady and wobbled with every step she took.

It was horrible but she vowed to be back the next day. If being thin was going to win him back, she would do anything and everything to do it.

Even if her ability to walk was lost in the process.

XIII.

As drove up she saw that the parking lot was crowded at the Church. She called in sick to work, not sure that she would be sick in the car or out of it. As she pulled into a makeshift spot close to some tree, she looked at herself in the mirror. She raised up her shirt and looked at her stretch marks. Still there from this morning, extra skin she didn't want but had as a reminder of who she was.

She put her blouse back down, she looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were awake and her face was clear, unlike it had been in year's prior. She had a pretty good face. No longer crowded by extra chunks of fat or skin. Her eyes were able to fully expand and fill her face, her nose was sleek, and her lips were plump and no longer sunken in. Her neck was somewhat thick but free of sickly black lines.

She was the best physical version of herself that she had been in a while. Maybe ever honestly.

Maybe she had changed. Maybe she was worth loving. Maybe she could be loved. Maybe he would see that today and marry her instead of the doctor.

She got out of her car locked it and walked up to the Church. The doors were white and had red roses on the front. This was the right place.

Love was waiting for her behind the door. She had trained for this battle for nearly 2 years. Every drop of sweat, every pound, every inch was for this moment. She opened the doors, letting herself in.

"I OBJECT!!"

All the eyes of the people in the church turned to face her. In the center aisle, she saw him, her ex-lover and his new wife to be.

"Well I haven't gotten to that part yet," The grey haired reverend said standing in between the couple.

"But if you have a good reason come on down and say it,"

She walked forward all eyes on her as she was dressed in a blouse and skirt and heels while everyone else was in their Sunday best for this Saturday affair.

"This'll be the first time anyone has ever used that line in my career. 30 years and now this. I should have retired to Cabo," The reverend said as he handed the microphone off to the girl.

She stood there in between the couple, her ex and his very soon to be wife. He looked the same, still spiked his jet-black hair. She was new to her eyes. Blonde hair with brown highlights in a bun under a birdcage: it was nice look on an angry face.

She quickly turned and faced the crowd where there were more angry people facing her.

"Hello, everyone. Umm..." She began.

"What are you doing here?" Her ex whispered into her ear.

"What am I doing here?" She said loudly into the microphone.

"What am I doing here? That is the million dollar question of the hour." She said.

"Let me ask you a question sir, do you know who I am?"

He looked at her and rolled his eyes.

"Yes I know who you are," He replied.

"Well then tell them who I am. Tell them my name," She said handing the microphone over to him.

He took it in his hand and brought it to his mouth.

"This is," He began to say. He looked at her and couldn't remember her name.

"This is...ummm...Sam...no...ummm...Tay...no...umm,"

Gasps were heard throughout the church as well as some sighs.

The girl then took the microphone back from the stuttering groom.

"Thank you for trying to remember my name. Actually, that's not important," She said.

"You see, I came in this church determined to somehow win you back. Loosing you was the worst thing, or at least I thought it was." She began. "I thought that if I came in here and looked like I do now compared to the way I did last year, you'd want me. But you can't even remember my name. "

She turned to face his bride.

"Look I know you think I'm crazy and that I'm raining on your parade. I am in a sense. I'm the chick he dumped for your and I'm the one who he had an affair with during his divorce."

More gasps were heard from the crowd.

"Wow, I had an affair with a guy. Not something good to say out loud but now that I did I do feel better. Anyway that's not the point. Look I hope you mean something to this guy. He's an asshole in my opinion, which I assume probably, means very little to you right now as I'm the asshole holding up your wedding. But now I'm going to wrap things up here by saying this." She said.

"Last summer, I weighed nearly 100 pounds more than I do today and this guy was the first guy to treat me like I was special. Then he dumped me like I was yesterday's garbage. So for the past year, I've been trying to forget him and loose the weight. As you can see I lost the weight," She said flaunting her body.

"But sadly, I can't forget him. I can't forget him for the pain or the pleasure he's caused me." She added.

"I can't forget that he caused me to have dreams of ecstasy and nightmares of terror where I wake up alone and feel unwanted by any man that looks at me. I hate that feeling. I should hate him but I realize now that hate does nothing. It just brews and makes you destroy things you love and you know what, enough. Enough of this, and enough of you. I'm done, I'm done wanting you. I'm done waiting for you. You're never going to come back to me and that's fine. I can't compete with her. She's a doctor who's nearly twice my age and had her Bachelor's, M.D, and Ph.D. I can't compete with her and I don't want to compete with her anymore. And that's ok." She said.

She handed the microphone back to the reverend and began to walk out of the church. As she walked out, she began to raise her head up.

She raised it up with a new sense of dignity and better understanding of all she had been through.

"And one last thing!" She yelled as she raised up her blouse.

"Stretch marks are cool!! Thanks for making me be my best self! You're never going to get any of this awesome body!!"

She ran out of the church and bolted into her car. She instantly turned on the ignition and floored it out of the parking lot.

"WOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!"

She felt lighter than she had in her life. As if she could do anything. As if she were worth love of anyone, not just those that saw her for her vulnerabilities.

As she stopped at a red stop light she pulled out her cell phone and the bankers business card.

It wasn't him who he needed to give a chance, it was herself.

And now she finally was.