Remembering Ava

"Why are you crying?"

"Because I've spoiled everything! I'm so sorry, Ava. Pleasepleaseplease forgive me!"

"What are you sorry for?"

I tried wiping away the tears, but I still couldn't recognize the look on her face. Ava knelt down beside me and said, "A better question would be, 'why did you do it?' Why did you kiss me, Stephanie?"

There was no lie that could rescue me.

My two hands pressed firmly against the wooden floor beneath them. I bent my head to look at them. With a vague, disconnected surprise, I noted how many tears had pooled on the floor around my fingers. Fresh drops spattered beside them. I didn't look up. I couldn't bear to see the revulsion in her face as I spoke, "I kissed you because I love you, Ava. I've been head over heels for... well, for months now. I've been holding the idea of that kiss inside me for so long... dreamed of it, meditated on it, prayed on it, cherished it... until I HAD to make it real." Almost it seemed as if the words were being spoken for me, that some gentle insistence was urging me on, prompting me beyond my own volition.

"I tried hiding it." I wept, "I couldn't. Please, forgive me."

Ava's fingers slipped under my chin and gently raised my head. The thumb of her other hand brushed some of the tears from my cheek.

The amber and gold of her eyes glittered with tears of her own. "There's nothing to forgive." Her voice was husky with emotion. "I felt... no, I feel the same."

I'm sure the look of shock on my face might have been comical in another context.

Ava's voice was barely more than a murmur, but I heard it clearly in the resounding silence of the apartment. "I've been wrestling with my own... my feelings, for you, for some time now. I wondered what was wrong with me. I've told myself over and over how wicked it was. I even - "

"But, why is it wicked?"

Ava's smile was delicate. She caressed my cheek as if to soften the sting of her words. "C'mon, Steph. We're both women. How could that possibly be right?"

I struggled to find a response.

"Look at it his way." she continued. "Could you tell your parents how you feel about me?"

I was silent. But an answer began to take coalesce in my mind.

"I know I couldn't tell my Pop." Ava went on. "If it wasn't wrong, we'd have nothing to be ashamed of, right?"

"Wait a minute." I answered. "Even if you were with a man, you wouldn't talk to your Pop about it. Not because you were doing something wrong, but because it was private... personal."

"Besides," I went on with increasing confidence in the merit of my argument, "why do others get to judge what's right for you and me? Why does anyone else have a say in who we love? 'They' say that you are lesser because you're a woman. Are they right? 'They' say that being colored makes you inferior. Is that true? Of course not."

I took Ava's hands in mine and spoke in a clear, steady voice, "'They' aren't here, right now, Ava. It's just you and me. What do you say?"

Ava lowered her head, looking at, but not seeing our entwined hands. She said nothing.

I brought my head down too, so that my gaze intercepted hers again. "Do you love me, Ava?"

She returned my searching glance, and said with a quiet vehemence, "Of course I do."

Leaning forward, I touched my forehead to hers. I took her right hand and placed it on my breast. She flinched slightly at the intimacy, but I held it there. "Do you want me?" I asked.

I had kissed her, it's true, but there had been no mention of sex until now. But, Ava knew that, in my shy way, that's what I meant.

Her answer was to tilt her head slightly and bring her lips to mine. Her left hand caressed my face while we kissed. Her right hand, still under mine, moved on my breast, becoming acquainted with its curvature.

I shivered at the welcome attention. The warmth and joy that coursed through me was indescribable.

Ava was kissing me!

When our kiss had lingered for a while, we shifted slightly and began a fresh one. Ava's lips moved with increasing boldness until her tongue finally slipped into my mouth. The tender kiss deepened and our tongues began to tangle and lace. Ava's left hand still cupped my face while the fingers of her right hand had found my nipple and had it straining against my blouse. I whimpered without breaking the kiss.

When our lips did finally part, we were both practically panting with excitement.

"Ava?"

"Yes?"

"I know I started all this, but I have to tell you something before we go any further."

"Okay, sweetie. What is it?"

"I haven't... that is, I never... um, what I mean to say is..."

"Stephanie?" Ava interrupted.

"Hmmm?"

"Just spit it out, hon. As you said before, there's no one here but us."

I put my face in my hands and peered out at Ava between my fingers. "I've never had... you know... sex... before. I don't really know what I'm doing. Will you be patient with me? Please?"

Ava bit her lower lip, then raised her hand to cover her mouth. But, she couldn't completely suppress the giggle that was determined to get out.

My complexion must've deepened by three shades because a look of mortification came over Ava. "Oh, no. No, sweetheart! You misunderstand! I wasn't laughing at you, I was amused by the situation."

"Why is my ignorance so amusing?"

"Because," Ava chuckled again, "you're asking the blind to lead the blind. I had don't have a minute more experience than you do."

"You mean, you're a...?" I began.

"Yup." Ava smiled back at me. "I'm a virgin, too. I mean, it's not really so surprising when you think about it. My parents watched me like a hawk while I lived with them, so there was definitely no hanky-panky going on then. When I first went out on my own I was working in a bullpen full of white guys. If any of them were interested in me, they were too afraid of the social taboos to show it. And since then, I've been working alone in my studio as a freelancer. Not exactly a recipe for finding that special someone."

"A few times," Ava added, "friends or family have set me up on blind dates, but I hated that. It's so awkward trying to make conversation with a complete stranger. A stranger with whom you might have absolutely nothing in common other than a mutual acquaintance. A few of those was enough to get me to swear off of blind dates forever. And so, here I am," Ava held her palms up on either side of her and looked down at her own kneeling form, "twenty-eight years old and unsullied. So, I guess we'll have to be patient with each other."

I smiled at Ava, and said, "I'm pretty sure sex isn't rocket science. After all, millions of morons have been doing it for millennia. I'm betting two smart girls like us can figure it out." I looked down for a moment, gathered my courage, then brought my gaze back up to meet Ava's. I spoke in a quiet, but steady voice, "Besides, we could have a lot of fun learning about it - and each other."

Ava smiled, "Yes. Yes, we could."

She got off her knees and rose to her full height. Reaching her hands down to take mine, Ava helped me up. We stood in the doorway to her bedroom, still holding each others hands, both a little uncertain what to do or say.

Ava finally spoke. "Are you ready for bed?"

"Yeah. I guess it's been a pretty exciting day. Exhausting, too."

"Mmm-hmm. You gonna sleep in here with me?"

I nodded my agreement.

"Stephanie?"

I looked at her.

"This isn't gonna work so well if we dance too delicately around each other. We can't be afraid to communicate, hon. If things are ever moving too fast, you have to let me know. It'll take forever for us to figure out what's what if we're too shy or embarrassed to let the other know what we want. You can bet I'll be paying close attention, sweetie, but just don't count on me to read your mind. Okay?"

"I'd kinda like to take things slow." I answered. "Get used to the idea... that okay, too?"

"I'd like that, too."

So we went to bed that night with a tacit agreement that we weren't going to do anything yet, except cuddle and sleep.

Well, we may have been inexperienced and ridiculously skittish, but we were also young, aflame with curiosity and ferociously horny. Any guesses as to which attributes won out?

Ava showered first and emerged from the bathroom fully clothed in plain flannel pajamas. Then I did the same. It's not like either of us owned any sexy lingerie and I kinda doubt that either of us would've had the nerve to wear it that first night, anyway.

If there had been any witnesses, they would have been entertained at the way Ava and I avoided making eye contact. The awkward conversation scrupulously avoided the subject of romance or sex. Finally, Ava ended our dilemma by turning down the bed covers and saying, "You've got a deadline on Friday and a lot of work to do tomorrow. We should probably turn out the light and get some rest."

After we'd both gotten under the covers, Ava leaned over to the night table on her side of the bed and plunged the room into darkness. I turned on my side, facing away from Ava. For several minutes, only the sound of our breathing kept the silence from being complete.

"Ava?"

"Yeah?"

"Remember the night of the thunderstorm?"

Ava giggled, "My Christmas gift to you would suggest that I remember it pretty well."

"Wrapped up in your arms that night... I felt so safe... so loved. Would you mind holding me for a while tonight?"

"That is probably the silliest question you'll ever ask me. I'm glad we got that out of the way early."

With a slight rustling of sheets and blanket, Ava scooted over and spooned me. Her left arm cradled me and her hand came to rest on my flannel-clad tummy. The warmth of her body and soft fullness of her breasts pressed against my back felt glorious. "This must be what heaven feels like."

"I hate to tell you this," Ava said into my ear, "but I'm not an angel." As she spoke, her left hand slipped under my pajama top and came to rest on my bare belly. The intimacy of it was stunning. I forgot to breathe for a moment. Just as I was adjusting to the idea of her hand being there, Ava's other hand brushed the hair away from the back of my neck and she planted her lips on my nape. I shivered and drew in a faint hiss of air.

The hand on my stomach moved slowly upward. Then, she dragged her fingernails back down, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake.

She repeated this erotic circuit.

And then again.

Each time Ava's fingers ascended, they went a little higher. By the time she reached my ribcage, my anticipation was acute. Meanwhile, her other hand had tugged the back of my pajama collar low. Her lips and tongue were slow dancing across my neck and shoulders.

When her fingertips reached the underside of my breast, I whimpered, "Ava?" into the quiet.

"Hmmm?" Her hand cupped and gently squeezed my tit and she continued her attentions at the base of my neck.

"That feels sooo goood!" I was barely able to articulate that much.

Ava's only response was a low "Mmmmmm." I felt the vibrations through her lips on my spine. I was hyper-aware of every little movement, every kiss and caress. Something big was building inside me. Something momentous. I wasn't quite sure what it was, but it was deliciously intense and almost overwhelming.

Her fingernails discovered my pouting nipple and circled it. My whimpering escalated. My back arched to press my breast more tightly into her grasp. Ava's fingertips grasped the erect bud and stroked it. Up and down. Up and down. Whimpers spiraled into moans. I was fast losing any inhibitions. I'd never experienced anything so joyous in my life. How could I know it would get even better?

At the same time she was fondling my breast, Ava's right hand slipped between my hips and the bed and came around to lay flat on my belly. By the time my overwhelmed senses registered this new advance, her fingers glided beneath my waistband to caress my lower stomach.

The ecstasy I felt was evident in the unintelligible stream of sounds pouring from my lips. I writhed in her arms. Her fingers and lips seemed to find every delicate, reactive spot on my body.

When her nails dragged through the down of my pubic hair, I bit my lip to keep from crying out. A ploy that was rendered useless seconds later when those same fingers reached the warm furrow of my slit. My entire body spasmed and a sound of purest joy was pulled from me.

The combination of what the one hand was doing to my nipple and what the other was accomplishing between my legs was making me crazy. Her digits burrowed through the slippery petals, gliding over my clit each time they came back up. My hips began to pump in answer to her ministrations. "Ava?" I panted, "What are you doing to me?"

No answer. But when Ava felt my reaction every time she slithered over my clit, she concentrated her efforts there. Circling, then stroking, circling, then stroking, again and again... doing the same with my nipple.

I shuddered, screamed and my pussy clenched around her fingers. A maelstrom of pleasure pulsed through and through me and for an instant, I lost track of who and where I was. All I knew... all I felt... was out-and-out bliss.

After I don't know how long, the storm of sensation began to subside. The movements of Ava's fingers slowed. Aftershocks rippled through my frame. My breaths came in ragged gulps, but I was able to gasp, "I've never felt anything... like that in my life!"

Ava answered with a simple, "I love you." One hand still cradled my breast and the other rose over my mons to my lower belly with sticky, sticky fingers. "You've made a mess." Ava chuckled.

"Oh, no, dear heart. You are completely responsible for that." I turned around so that I was facing her. Pulling her to me, I brought my lips to Ava's. Our tongues fought a gentle skirmish while my hands ran over the contours of her back. I took my mouth from hers for an instant, so that I could gush, "Ava! That was... that was... Oh, God! I can't even find the words to describe it. But I do know that I want to do that to you. Now. I want to make you scream. Make you shiver. And shake. Explode... the way I did." I was so excited, my words tripped over each other in their hurry to get out.

"Stephanie, honey, I guarantee I had as much fun as you did. Do you know how it made me feel to be able to do that to you? Like I was Queen of Everything."

I pulled Ava to me and kissed her fiercely. The skirmish of our tongues escalated into full-on battle. I pushed her onto her back and straddled her waist. With one hand on either side of her pajama front, I pulled them apart with all my might. As the buttons landed beside her on the mattress, Ava hissed, "Jeez, Stephanie, take it easy! All you had to..."

I interrupted her with an animal-like sound, "No, Ava... I don't have to do anything. I'm about to be 'Queen of Everything'." With that, I captured her lips with mine, pinned her arms beneath me... and poured myself into her pleasure.

Much, much later, I lay on my back with Ava's head on my shoulder, her body nestled against mine. I held her in the crook of my arm and listened to her steady breathing as she slept. I was still too excited to sleep. Pride and joy suffused my entire being. I thought of the things I'd done to her, the sounds I'd caused her to make. The shudders and spasms I'd incited. When we were done, there weren't many traces of modesty or restraint left between us. In the end, she'd begged me to give her release.

She was right.

'Queen of Everything'.

*****

We got greedy, of course. I suppose all new lovers do.

The next day, Ava and I spent much of the morning in bed, hugging and fondling and cuddling. Even when she was cooking breakfast, I couldn't keep my hands off of her. Finally, she reminded me that I had deadlines and so did she. She had just signed a contract for a second book and while her due date was nowhere near as looming as mine, she did still have one.

So, into the other room we went, to sit down to our appointed tasks.

Have you ever experienced a trauma? The intensity of the experience changes you. The power of certain moments can revisit you unexpectedly for years to come. Well, the night before was like that, but in a good way, of course.

The problem was, that no matter how hard I tried to focus on the task at hand, memories from the preceding night burst into my consciousness with breathtaking power. I flashed on the moment of my orgasm over and over. I kept reliving how it felt to have my fingers buried completely inside of Ava... juices flowing out of her... her body writhing beneath me.

You tell me what kind of saint could focus under those circumstances. Whoever that saint is, it ain't me.

At last, I glanced over the room of my board at Ava. Her face was turned down to the board, her brow faintly knit in concentration. I sat for a moment, letting my gaze linger on her features, luxuriating in their beauty.

Finally, I couldn't resist.

"Ava?"

"Yes?" she answered without looking up.

"Make love to me."

"Stephanie." There was a hint of rebuke in her tone.

"Please?"

"Stephanie, my deadline's not so bad, but you've got pages due on Friday. The only way you'll get them done, is if I stop my work to help you out. That puts me on a tighter schedule than I'd like."

"I know. I know. I should be ashamed."

But a moment later, I said, "Please?" again, in as plaintive a tone as I could muster.

She didn't answer, but I could tell she was wavering.

"Ava?"

"I'm still here, Stephanie."

"If I came over there," coyness in my voice, "got on my knees, cried and begged you... would you do as I ask?"

Ava gave a defeated sigh. "You know I would."

"Well, then," I finished my airtight argument with a smug grin, "If you love me, you won't make me beg."

Ava cleaned off her brushes and said, "You were right before. You should be ashamed."

By the time she stood up from her board, I was practically bouncing with excitement. "Thank you, thank you." I took her in my arms and communicated my appreciation with a sizzling kiss.

When we reached the back bedroom, we realized that, even with the blinds closed, it was still much brighter than it had been last night. This is how we discovered that we actually did still have some modesty left after all. Neither of us had ever seen the other naked. And the idea of being seen so clearly in such intimate circumstances was still a little intimidating to both of us.

I know. I know. Ridiculous, right? We'd shattered pretty much every other bit of self-consciousness to smithereens, but, still, we'd done those things in a protective shell of darkness.

Ava hit on a solution by draping a dark, heavy blanket over the window. It completely obscured the daylight and when we shut the bedroom door, the effect was perfect.

With the darkness, we quickly shed our inhibitions and couldn't get each others clothes off fast enough.

I don't know whether Ava's reluctance had been feigned or real, but once we were in bed, any hesitation on her part was quickly replaced with a passion that bordered on ferocity.

I was in bed first, lying on my back. Ava knelt over me on all fours. I could just make out the shape of her sumptuous bosom dangling above me in the gloom. "Like ripe fruit from the vine." I thought. Cradling her left breast with both hands, I raised my head to suckle the nipple. Ava moaned and bent her arms so that her breast lowered.

With greater access, I drew more of her into my mouth, nursing like a newborn babe. I felt a shudder run through her and I heard her draw her breath in sharply. I let her nipple slip nearly from my lips, then sucked it back in with as much of the surrounding tit as I could. This forced a little cry from her. I allowed the breast to ease almost out again. Then back in. Repeating, establishing a sensuous rhythm.