Remembrance

(This is a true account of my life since I lost one of the most important people in my life!)

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I have to say that sometimes, I just find myself bursting into tears. I can't help it. Something will happen or I'll hear something and it will just remind me of you. If I am on my own, I just let the tears fall - letting my mind run over why I am crying. It is more difficult if I am with company, I have to look away or pretend that there is something caught in my eye.

It has been 18 months since I lost you, but the pain is always there, just beneath the surface. It is supposed to get easier, but I am not so sure. Certain dates are worse than others. My birthday, the first without you, only 8 days after you went away. Waking up in the morning to find that the usual card was not there. You always found the most ridiculous and corniest cards. But I loved them because they came from you.

You were cremated 4 days later. The eulogy that the Vicar read made me laugh. He had come around a few days previous to write it with me. Bits of your life that I would remember forever. There wasn't many there at the service, but those that were, were there because they loved you as much as I did. I chose the music for the service, songs that you would never had listened to, but were appropriate - "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club was definitely anything but. You hated that song, but it was the only song I could associate with you. I can never listen to the songs I chose and Karma Chameleon again without thinking of you now.

On Christmas morning, just over 4 months had gone by, I found myself breaking out into tears over the beef joint. Oh, the beef was fine, but the reality that I was to be celebrating without you just hit me - Wham! - there had been no awkward shopping trips to try and figure out what to get you, no last minutes stops at the supermarket to pick up that one food item that I knew you would want and no corny Christmas card either.

The following year passed quickly. I made certain that I booked certain dates off of work - your birthday and the first anniversary of your passing. I knew I would never be able to remain calm and collected. A couple of colleagues questioned my days off, asking why I was taking what seemed like random days off. At first I ignored their questions, but they kept on & on until I told them. I don't think most of them had ever become so quiet as they did then. But I needed my privacy to grieve.

The second Christmas was not as hard, I made sure to remember the best things about you and remind myself, that wherever you are, you will always be watching over me

In the early days I used to be angry at you. You had gone and left me and I didn't know why or what to do. Things had gone unsaid and I never got the real chance to say goodbye.

That was my biggest regret, not being by your side so I could tell you that I loved you and that I would always miss you.

I knew that your passing was a blessing. You were now free from pain and suffering. No longer would you have to put up with my nagging you to eat something or with the endless stream of Doctors and tests.

So this is my way of remembering one of the most important people in my life - My Daddy.

One of my first memories is of being a young child and being carried in your arms downstairs after I had woken up because of a bad dream. You were always the one person who I could turn to and get a hug from, even if there was no reason to do so. I was your only daughter and you did your best to raise me after you and mum divorced. I went without a few luxuries, but I never needed more than what you gave me. We had our arguments, what teenager hasn't with their parents? But they were never that serious. I grew up with more freedom than most, you allowed me to learn about the world, knowing that I would always have you to turn to if things went wrong.

Silly things remind me of you. Thunderbirds being one of them. Coming home from school and cuddling with you on the settee as we watched the Tracy family foil countless plots and mount near impossible rescues. The same goes for Stingray, Captain Scarlet and the original series of Star Trek! We both loved the old TV programmes and could sit for hours just watching them. Most of the time I would fall asleep, my head on your chest, the sound of your heartbeat was always so comforting. I cry when I remember that I will never be able to do that again. Even though I am 24, there are always times when I need to feel your arms around me and the rhythmic beating of your heart in my ear.

I know that you will never be coming back and it would have been cruel to wish you to live longer, suffering as you did, but at times I can not help it. I no longer feel angry at you for dying, my hatred has now turned towards your killer. I don't know the percentages, but I know that too many people die because of it.

Cancer.

I always go through the "what ifs..." - What if we had caught it sooner? What if we had tried a different treatment? What if...? What if...? Nothing will ever change what has happened but I can say that I always do my best to prevent others from having to suffer as you did. And as I am.

That is all I can do. That and remember you every day and hope that in the future, once I marry and have children, that they have a Daddy as brilliant as their Grandfather was to me.

I love you Daddy! XXXX

~ In remembrance of Alan S, July 1945 - August 2007 ~