Requiem

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My scattered thoughts distracted me from our conversation, until I heard the endless pings of the messenger window informing me of Vonni's responses.

VONNI: My lips are sucking your nip now. Your nipple is in my mouth, being sucked mercilessly. Lovingly.

I felt my eyes roll as my fingers were drawn to the pulsing flesh sitting atop my mound. My fingers encircled her, rubbing the honey that leaked from my hole over her. I could grasp her between my thumb and forefinger, as I was doing in that moment. It was then that I replied to Vonni, with:

...I feel you stroking me..

VONNI: Mmmmm wanking beany. Feel how yummy she feels between my tips of my fingers. Feel me squeeze her, babygirl? Tighter? Holding her at base...-

Oh, God, Vonni, my darling. I'm screaming in my body. Please...

VONNI: My nose and lips resting on your neck, lips licking up towards your ear. Suck on your lobe, squeeze beany, kiss your neck; warm, wet, pulsing flesh gliding along soft skin. Feel me squeeze and stroke. Biting your throat. Squeezing kitty with my whole hand. Purring in your ear. Give me your honey, love...

I felt tremors within my body, erupting with each touch of my excited member. She knew how naughty I was feeling. She knew how excited, shocked, and scared I'd been the first time I told her of what I possessed. I never thought of her to think of me as a freak, but I certainly never expected her to have such an interest in that part of my body. I started to move my fingers along it, feeling it drag along the digits, slippery.

Vonni... begging you... finish me.

VONNI: lips dragging down...

I gasped. It always felt so real somehow...

VONNI: colliding with wet, sticky flesh. Kissing your strip of hair, matted down with evidence of our passion. ...you smell so wonderfully. I kiss you again, only my lips feel something poking at them instead...

I told myself there was no way I could withstand this. It was... naughty, hot, invigorating, unheard-of, just completely overwhelming. Referring to my clitty as she was... in this way.... It became too difficult to turn away from. I couldn't bring myself to tell her to stop. I longed for it. I needed it. I needed her. I pleaded, I begged:

Oh, Vonni..please.. please! Take me in... I'm so gone...

VONNI: I taste honey as I suck her inside, my cheeks hallowing with her girth. Nails digging in your thighs, bobbing head up and down, my greens glinting at you, imploring you to come for me. My tongue enveloping her within more deeply, drawing her in more and more, staring at you...

I grunted and moaned at the friction of my fingers against my clit. I couldn't take it. I told her I was going to come.

VONNI: Come for me babygirl... look in my eyes... LOOK AT ME.

Oh, von...

VONNI: LOOK AT ME, BABYGIRL. LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT HOW I LOVE YOU.

Oh, ggod....

VONNI: GIVE IN TO ME.

Moaning. Constant moaning, and shaking, sticky fingers prolonging my orgasm is all I felt and heard after that. I was blind from my orgasm, temporarily, and as I experienced it then, I experienced it now. The memory fleeing from me, my head clearing. Manhattan came back in view as my sight returned to me. I noticed my cigarette ashes had collected into a long grey stem, untouched from my recent memory overload.

It was then that I realized that there was someone saying something behind me. I tossed the cigarette butt and turned towards the sound. The street lamp above the gallery's door revealed Veronica emerging from the other side, smiling at me as though she knew my secret. Only, it wasn't a secret any longer...

This was the secret admirer I had, who once I was in love with. My heart contradicted my feelings for her, seeing her now in my presence, too amazed and overawed that the person I presumed to never meet in my lifetime was standing near feet from me.

"Vonni...it's been so long."

It was the beginning of a very, very long story and there didn't appear to be an ending anywhere in sight.

* * * * * * * *

"I... you know it's me?" She said in a confused tone.

"I realized it about ten seconds before you walked out that door. And, the gears started turning when I saw this woman who matched your description admiring that painting I created for you in the first place. We never shared photographs of ourselves except how we looked years earlier in the pictures provided, old hairstyles and all. Your hair is shorter." I couldn't stop staring at her. It was too surreal to not believe this was actually happening. I wanted to pinch myself.

Veronica let the front door of the building slip from her fingers, the hinges whining then quieting. She walked herself to the railing I was leaning my leg against, grabbing it for support as she turned towards me again. For one instant I was certain she would kiss me, the time seemed to be standing still, even the snow fell a fraction slower than it normally would have.

And, then, the moment passed.

The hand I assumed she would lift towards my face to caress with was holding a pack of Marlboro Red cigarettes instead; the top flipped open with two sticks poking out amongst the tightly packed tobacco. Her eyes lifted to my own and met my gaze. A charming smile formed on her lips as she plucked one of the packed cigarettes, placed it between her lips and said, "Got a light?"

"Only if you'll be so kind to let me light yours for you." My fingers felt around for the cool steel Zippo windproof lighter that was nestled in my jacket pocket.

The flame brought a scarce amount of warmth, albeit it was a welcome blessing. I covered the flame as Veronica's face appeared, her cigarette's tip turning to a cherry red ember. I mused to myself it looked like I was cradling her face in my hands. I kept the thought to myself at the moment though. Too early for reminiscing those times.

Her fingers were nimble and quick as she plucked the second cigarette from the pack and placed it between my lips. The pinky finger of her hand lingered along my bottom lip long enough to inform me it wasn't coincidental. Hazel eyes met green ones, boring into incredible depths and sizing one another up as the snow continued to fall at an ever-slower rate. My heart lurched at the sight of her in front of me after such a long hiatus. The tip of her nose was pink, as was her cheeks as I followed the trail of capillaries along her chilled skin. She hadn't been outside for long, however, that did not deter the weather to rest a snow-fallen crown atop her dark hair. The beauty of the sight took my breath away, but I quickly averted my eyes to across the street where a slight traffic jam began to occur.

I raised the cigarette to my lips, inhaled, and released it into the night air. I waited until the smoke dissolved completely before I continued the dialogue further.

"Five years and you've flown several thousand miles to New York City within that time frame, managed to walk into my gallery out of hundreds along this stretch Greenwich Village, and came to tell me... what? You don't believe in coincidence anymore? That would be a step headed in the right direction."

Her expression did not change but softened, a troubled furrow in her brow.

"Sher, I know I wronged you-"

"That was a long time ago, Vonni. Ancient history now." I didn't want the conversation to venture down such a dark path so early on in our first meeting... but this was our first meeting. And five years had passed since that night, the memory resurfaced in my mind and I forced it out to clear my thoughts.

"Just so... I just wanted to tell you that I saw your opening in the New York Arts Magazine and it compelled me to walk my white bum over here to see you! My heart fell to my stomach when I saw your photo in that column. Time froze for me. And it took a heartbeat for me to figure out what to do next." She fanned out her hands in opposite directions as if to say Now I'm here. I took a drag off my cigarette and continued to look at her, digesting her words.

"And somehow five years became a heartbeat."

"Babygirl, please, listen to me, ju-"

"Five. Years..." I said it quickly and I felt it cut through the air like a knife. All the pent-up anger and frustration towards Veronica all came bubbling to the surface. I wouldn't doubt it if steam were rising from my head either. My breath causing clouds to form in the chilled air, I resumed the conversation.

"...I thought you were dead the first few months." I looked off again to my right to catch the street light changing. Passerby's were passing by, and the smells of a delicatessen a block away were invading my concentration of thought. I heard her sigh behind me as silence enveloped us for a short moment. The silence grew too heavy for Vonni, though.

"I'm so sorry for putting you through that. Please, you must know I never meant to cause... I never meant to make things worse for you. You know that don't you?"

I felt warm tears streak down my face, although the agony and pain that had once adorned my face along with fresh tears was long exhausted now. I closed my eyes and spoke while watching the falling snow, my eyes transfixed on each unique snowflake.

"When I met you, it was the armor that you wore that drew my attention to you. How it molded to your skin; a perfect fit. I wanted to see you without it, after having getting to know you through the first months of knowing each other. I strived to release you from that bond..." My voice softened on the last word, willing myself not to lose composure in front of her; I wanted to make her understand. I wanted her to understand what exactly she put me through... but it was so difficult to relieve such memories!

"And, then we fell in love. Your boyfriend came back in your life, I was just a pen pal whose brain you picked whenever you found the time to be convenient for you. You played with my heart, stole it from me, and replaced that armor I worked so long to remove from your body... onto my own. You took my heart, was swooned off your feet by your boyfriend, and just... disappeared."

I heard a pained sound and realized she had her head in her hands, shaking it back and forth. Finally reemerging from within its confines, she flailed her arms, exasperated, "We met online! Did you honestly expect us to have a life together because we fell in love? What we had, Sher...? It's just... I've moved on in my life. I have a loving husband and we-"

I couldn't control the anger... all that anger! It rushed out of me, kicking and screaming.

"So it wasn't love?" I questioned her, my voice thick with disdain.

Her eyes were wild and pink-rimmed. The emerald depths pleading for me to hear her out. Completely. "In my own way, of course I di-"

"Like how you perceive women? Playthings?" I shot back to end what she was about to say prematurely. I would not hear it again. In her own way. I shit in my own way, how about that, Vonni?

Her bottom lip trembled, her eyes cast downward towards the pavement.

"Babygirl, please... I just wanted to talk."

"And, now we're talking." I looked at her, the streaks from the salty tears glistening when I turned my body towards her, capturing her full attention. "I was the only person to enter your life who you knew to have experienced traumatic events. And, it's because of that I concluded to myself that you hated me, disliked me, and didn't want anything to do with me. You wanted to be rid of me. You just couldn't handle the responsibility weighing over your head to check up on me, that it wasn't your job or duty to do so... It's very difficult to convince yourself that the truth you worked so hard to burn in the back of your skull is actually, quite simply, not true. Wouldn't you agree, Vonni?"

New tears followed old tracks down my cheeks. I blinked them away, and wiped the remnants. I grabbed the railing, took a deep breath, and continued, "I don't know, Veronica. I don't. I don't know anything. Ever since you entered my life, I've been inside such a deep hole. The same one I dug ever deeper, on hands and feet, as I'd spill my life's story to you. Every word for another handful of dirt. Because you never let yourself be truly known to me. You never let me in. I gave myself to you, willingly..." I choked back the pain I felt rising within me. Every time one of my friends poked and prodded me with details about the mysterious love of my life, it always ended in tears. It ended in tears because I hated how much I loved her, even after the pain had numbed.

"You cant just do that! Walk into someone's life, make them care, and leave!" The tears were coming in streams now. It was all ending so badly. Why was this going so terribly wrong?

Veronica's hand had found its way to my shoulder, squeezing it gently and brushing a thumb over the folds of the fabric of my jacket. I shrugged it off.

"No! Vonni... this wasn't... I was never expecting you to... God.... Fuck! This isn't fair!" I raised my voice, kicking ice over the raised platform of the railing.

"Sher, I'm so sorry. Please, listen to me. You know I still care for you."

I swallowed and licked my lips, tasting the salt of my tears. My head shook slowly from side to side, barely speaking above a whisper.

"I'm not words on a screen, I'm a human being. I feel and hurt just like you. If you pierce my flesh with a sharp edge, I'll bleed. You treated me like a fantasy in a bubble, Vonni. That's all I was to you-"

Her face was mere inches away from mine, her fingers grasping the material of my jacket's sleeves, tugging and pulling them. I noticed her eyes first. There was tenacity in them I couldn't put my finger on. "Listen to me, damn it, Sherron!" She shook me for good measure, holding tightly, never breaking our eye contact. "If you knew how much of a monster I've felt for putting you in the place I have, you'd know I was being sincere." A tear escaped her left eye, which caused her lip tremble as well.

"Please, sweetheart. Look at me."

My eyes lingered on the bland brick wall behind her, and then to her green eyes that were begging still to be heard.

She drew a shaky breath and continued, gently squeezing my shoulders as well.

"I do love you. I always will. But, he's in my life now. And, I stand by him." Her eyes kept begging, searching my hazel depths, prying for any feeling or understanding there. My hands closed around both of hers and gently placed them back at her sides. The tips of her fingers were still touching my hands as I drew away from her.

"But don't you see. Don't you understand? I do... I understand where you are in life. I know when you fell in love with him, that wasn't the first time you fell in love. And, I know when you fell in love with me, it wasn't the second time either. But, I do know there are different kinds of feelings associated with love. There is love that is spoken of in different contexts. I've fallen in love once before. Death took her away from me."

I turned away from her and started down the paved steps. My footsteps ringing out, echoing along the alleyway and out into the street. I turned back to her, looking at her for the last time for tonight. A strand of her hair had fallen into her eyes, hiding a green orb from me. She looked so sad. She looked like I do, every day what I hide from the world since she left me alone for so many years.

"And I promised myself that I'd rather die than to feel as high as I did with her. I vowed to myself I would never fall in love again. I was wrought with grief, and you came along. Made me feel again. You reminded me what my past love kept screaming at me from the grave. And, with that you inspired me. I thought of you as much of a luminary like Marilyn Monroe. You both are so similar. The world sees you for something they made their own; an image of beauty beyond caliber. On the inside, however, is the heart of a poet, a strong woman who possesses a hunger to learn. To love. " My own bottom lip began to jog as the words fell from my mouth.

A silence erupted once more after that, but it was somehow more comfortable than stressed as it was near ten minutes ago. Vonni was staring at me again, in the same manner that I left her in when Billy came to fetch me off to the clients. I saw the same need in her eyes. The searching that was in them before was still there, lingering in the background...

"I loved you with all the strength I had, because you and Fem reminded me that love should hold no boundaries, nor would it be hindered by such. Even with being so far away from you, having limited means to reach you and having met you through those same means... love lasted. I'm cursed with this. To love you. To always love you. Because... you saved me from myself when I saw no hope in surviving it."

I licked my lips again, my eyes falling to the ground again. The weight of her silence still hung in the air like heavy rain clouds, but I didn't let that scare me. I knew she was just processing what I said. It's what she did whenever we spoke in long intervals, about how we loved each other. Every word spoken was poetic, so she'd take her time reading and digest what I would write to her in reply.

I looked up again and saw that she was crying now. Her brow was drawn inward, showing a look of pain. Agony washed across her features. She frowned again as she looked in my eyes, mouthing the words I'm sorry... so sorry every few seconds. I had dragged this on long enough. Time to end this butchery of a reunion. I was so sad, I wanted to fall down and weep. I was so hurt, I wanted to lash out at her and yell. I was so deeply ashamed for making her feel as low as I did; I wanted to beat myself bloody. In the end, I felt every known feeling to the human body and longed to feel numb.

"Sher.."

"I admire you. I always have. I wanted this to turn out differently. I wanted to give you a hug and hold you until you asked me to let go. And, I wanted you to wish me a happy birthday, but I knew that was wishful-"

"Oh shite, babygirl, I'm such an idiot! I knew it was your birthday, honestly, I remember it was late April, your birthday. Honestly, babygirl!" She said hurriedly.

I looked at her, smiled, and sighed.

"I believe you. Just answer another question that's been bugging me tonight, if you could, Veronica."

"Of course. What is it, babygirl?" Veronica looked as though she'd give her left limb to see me smile again in that instant.

"Why are you here?" It was a simple question. The answer, however, I was not expecting.

"Dylan and I moved here six months ago..." She saw the shock in my eyes, and tightened her jaw. "I didn't know you lived here before we... came over. It's not like we had wooden signs that said 'Stay off my land!' for fuck's sake! We just moved here to..." Her expression turned to worry. "We moved here to get away from some things back home, have a new change of scenery. I know I said I never was a hustle and bustle type of city girl, but it sort of grew on me." She tried to smile, but it was a weak one. And, nothing could turn my frown upside down when she revealed the pink elephant in the room. Or, I should say outside.

I was finally numb. All the bricks that could've been thrown at my head were now thrown. And they all hit their mark. She lives here now. Now she'll want to be friends again since we live in such short distance of one another. She is my neighbor now. Images of us both fucking, moaning, shivering, convulsing raced in my mind. Her nails raking my back, drawing blood...

"I have to go."

We both stared; Veronica jolting herself back to sobriety from the toxic, choked-up mix of emotions experienced moments before. She composed herself in a weak fashion, looking more insecure than ever I had the displeasure of seeing. I wanted to run to her and wrap my arms around her neck. To whisper to her that she was safe, that she was loved, that I loved her. I do love her, though.