Restoration

"Your insane. I drew it, that's my drawing you crazy bitch." Katie tried to move slowly around the agitated blonde she was afraid of what may happen next. A fight could get her thrown out of the shelter and for now this was the only place she had to stay.

"That's my drawing, it has my signature on it, you obviously broke into my place and stole it, you little thief. I'll have your ass in jail tonight." Blackie turned on her heel to walk out the door when she was suddenly spun around wildly, and found herself facing the other girl.

"How dare you come in here and accuse me of something I didn't do, you're the liar here. What do you think you're going to do, use the excuse that the homeless girl stole from you so you could take what is mine and sell it yourself? I don't think so."

Katie pushed past Blackie but not before she was thrown against the sink. Expletives flew and the two girls struggled in an ensuing catfight, both girls were consumed with a deep-seated anger that had finally come to the top. Blackie's sleeve was torn from her shoulder, just as she ripped the knit hat from Katie's head. Holding the hat in her hand, breathing hard, she could only stare in disbelief at Katie; dark roots had replaced most of the bleached hair that was hidden under the hat.

"Who are you?" she asked hoarsely.

"What?"

"What's your name?" Blackie asked louder.

"Katie, Katie Malone. What business is it of yours anyway?" The girl tried to smooth her hair with her fingers.

"No, what's your full name? I need to know." Blackie pleaded now, her expression was a mix of confusion and fright.

"Mary Katherine Malone." Spat Katie. "The picture is of my brother..."

"Daniel who died three years ago, killed himself right?" she finished the other girl's sentence.

Now it was Katie's turn to be confused and scared. "Yes, but how did you know, I never told anyone here my full name or anything about me."

Blackie just shook her head in disbelief; she suddenly felt flushed and needed to get away from there fast. She ran out the restroom and stumbled her way over to the exit. The shock of the cold air didn't help her as she ran down the street blindly. Her lungs were aching and she was sweating hard, she stopped against a doorway to rest. She was startled when she heard a voice behind her.

"Got any spare change Miss?" A short haggard and dirty man held out his gloveless hand to her, his eyes were red from the cold air as well as too much whiskey.

"Do you know what today is buddy?"

The man gave her a strange look before answering. "It's Christmas Eve. So do you have any spare change or not?"

Blackie reached into her pockets finding only her pay envelope that Jacob had given her and handed it to the man. "Here, take it, all of it. Merry Christmas." She started to run again not even sure where she was going, as if she were literally running from herself. The man opened the envelope, his eyes widened as he pulled out five new twenty-dollar bills. "Bless you Miss and Merry Christmas to you too!" he yelled to her.

She couldn't stop thinking about everything that happened, Katie was she, but she couldn't be her because she was herself. She had a home and clothing and wait...Mary, when she was leaving the apartment Mary called her Mary Katherine, but she knew she never told the old woman her name. Was she the future Blackie? Was Katie also the future Blackie...her father would call her Katie. It was making sense but it wasn't at the same time. What the fuck was going on, she didn't know who she was anymore. She stopped in the middle of a deserted street, the Christmas lights from a few apartments twinkled above her, around her and almost through her. She dropped to her knees, shivering in the cold and holding her head in her hands, she felt like she was going insane. She threw her head back and hit her fists off of her thighs and screamed out into the night.

"I WANT MY LIFE BACK!"

~The Soul~

"Mary Katherine. Mary Katherine wake up."

Blackie opened her eyes with some difficulty, she felt drugged. She was lying in a white room; the voice must be Vivienne's. She couldn't move her arms nor could she sit up. She wanted to sit up.

"Take it easy now Mary Katherine, you're restrained to the bed. You gave us a scare last night but we got to you in time, lucky for you that your roommate is a light sleeper."

"Roommate? What is she talking about, I live alone." Thought Blackie. She felt very tired and her arms hurt, down near her hands. She heard footsteps enter the room.

"She's awake now Doctor." The woman's voice said. "She has no idea what happened."

Blackie felt a cool hand on her head; fingers opened her eyelids to shine a light inside of them. Now she couldn't see anything except for the blurred streak of light when her pupils dilated, she could hear a man's voice above her and feel the coolness of a stethoscope lying against her chest.

"Do we know how she did it? She seemed to be making progress." The man asked as he checked her wrists.

"It was some time after last bed check, they found a shard of a broken mirror. She pulled it out of her roommate's jewelry box and snuck off to the lavatories. The music from the jewelry box playing woke the other girl up and when she noticed this one was gone and so was the mirror she went looking for her. She screamed for the nurse and that's how we found her, in good time too. The cuts were pretty deep, she's a bit of a bleeder."

"Did anyone notify Dr. Baxter yet? She'll want to talk to her I'm sure."

"Yes, she's on her way now. She should be here at any moment."

The man sighed deeply. "Well, physically she's out of the woods. Have Dr. Baxter call me when she finds out anything."

"Yes Doctor."

Blackie was starting to wake up; she was confused as to where she was and angry that she couldn't move. "Where am I?"

The nurse looked down and smiled at her. "Your in the hospital ward sweetie, you gave us a bit of a scare last night."

"Hospital ward? What hospital ward? Why can't I move my arms?" Blackie was becoming agitated and tried again to sit up.

The nurse pushed her back down gently. "Relax sweetie, Doctor Baxter will be here any second. We had to restrain you as a precaution so you don't try to hurt yourself again."

Blackie's thoughts were a whirlwind in her head, what the hell was going on here. The last thing she remembered was running out of the shelter. She remembered Katie's face and the cold streets. It was Christmas Eve, but how did she get here and where was here? She looked at the nurse.

"It's Christmas." she half stated and half asked.

The nurse smiled at her again. "That's right sweetie, that's good that you remember. Oh, here comes Dr. Baxter now." The nurse turned to the dark haired woman who came into the room. "She's awake and she knows what day it is."

"Hello Mary Katherine, how do you feel?" the dark haired woman asked. At first Blackie thought she was Vivienne, but her eyes were a dullish brown not the crystal blue she had hoped to see.

"Confused, very confused and stop calling me Mary Katherine, my name is Blackie."

"Okay Blackie, if that's what you prefer now, but can you tell me why you chose that name?"

"Because it's my name, why wouldn't I? Can I have my hands free please, I promise I won't try to strangle myself?" she scowled.

Dr. Baxter nodded to the nurse to release Blackie's hands and then told her she may leave, that everything was under control. "Well, Blackie, when you first came here you wanted to be called Katie."

Blackie furrowed her brow in confusion; she gingerly let her fingers trace the bandages on her wrists.

"Katie was the girl at the shelter, the one who looked like me, no wait...the one who was me." She paused for a moment. "What happened to my wrists?"

"You don't remember anything about last night?" Dr. Baxter knew just by Blackie's hard stare that she didn't recall anything. She sat on the bed next to the perplexed blonde girl and laid a hand on her knee. "Tell me what you do remember."

Blackie layback down against the pillows, her hands covering her eyes as her mind fought with her memories.

"I remember being at the shelter, I was in the lady's room fighting with Katie. I ripped off her hat and that's when I saw me, she was me and I know that because I asked her to tell me her full name. She said Mary Katherine Malone. She knew all about the sketch and about Daniel. It freaked me out and I had to get away from there, I ran outside and I kept running." She paused and then suddenly sat up and clicked her fingers." The man, there was a homeless man... I gave him money. Find him, he'll tell you he saw me, he wished me a Merry Christmas."

"Honey, you came here a year ago after they found you on the bathroom floor at the shelter, you tried to kill yourself then. Your story was the same except you told me you would never become like Mary and that the ghost of you was really a demon from your mind come alive. Why don't I get you something to make you relax?"

Dr. Baxter rose from the bed to call for the nurse. Blackie bolted from the bed cutting her off. Dr. Baxter was anxious, steeling herself against what the hysterical girl might do next.

"Calm down honey, let's just talk then, why don't you get back in bed, you're still weak."

"Don't tell me to calm down lady, I'm not insane. I just don't belong here nor do I believe I tried to kill myself. Call Vivienne, she'll help clear this up or call the shelter, they'll get in touch with Brone, he can tell you why I was there."

"Blackie, try to remember. We told you before, there is no Vivienne or Brone, you told us that before, we checked and there is no such address from the one you gave us, they don't exist."

Standing there with her mouth open, unable to believe what she was hearing, Blackie could feel the ire within her start to grow. Why was this bitch lying to her? She knew something was wrong, very wrong, she felt it deep inside. Vivienne told her to listen to her inner voice and that voice was telling her not to trust what was happening here.

"I get it, this is a test right? This is all a test to help me find my spirit, it's all part of the restoration isn't it?"

"We've been through this before Mary Katherine, remember? The spirit is a manifestation of one's mind trying to compensate for a lack of social norms that one is expected of engaging in and cannot, when you don't feel excepted you create something to replace what you don't have, so you create a 'soul' for yourself.

Vivienne is also a manifestation; the subconscious cloaks a need by creating a pleasurable persona. You felt a need to be saved, so your mind gave you Vivienne. However your mind became confused and you split yourself into Vivienne, Mary and Katie. You lost your true self when your mind and body disconnected, remember, you called it your Alice in Wonderland complex."

"I know what that is, from when Alice meets the caterpillar and he asks who she is and she say's she doesn't know who she is because she's changed so much. I can relate to that, especially now. Everything's changed again...and stop calling me Mary Katherine!"

The door opened and the nurse walked back in to the room carrying a tray with two mugs.

"I thought maybe a cup of tea might help you ladies with your chat, I find it works for me, it's very relaxing."

As the nurse set down the tray Blackie finally noticed her, black hair pulled up into a bun, petite figure, something was familiar about her. She watched as she handed a cup to the doctor and mentioned that the tea was a secret blend of her own. Then the small woman turned to Blackie and smiled.

"I'll leave yours on the tray, lovely, you can drink it when you're ready." She looked at Blackie with her clear blue eyes and winked. She stepped out of the room and quietly closed the door behind her.

"It can't be." Thought Blackie. "They said she doesn't exist."

"Mary Ka...I mean Blackie, everything will be fine now, you'll be safe here. The walls are high and thick here, no one can hurt you."

Blackie looked over at Dr. Baxter, she was standing there with her tea propped up in her hand staring and grinning like the Cheshire cat. Tea, that's what Blackie needed, a nice cup of tea to relax her. As she reached for the cup, something on the tray caught her eye. It was a small paper crane, an origami crane just like the one Mary gave her. She got her wings back, now she could fly.

"You're right Dr. Baxter, I can be safe behind walls. When you're weak and cowardly it's better to stay safe. It's hopeless for me in the real world. I have no one left, no one to love me, but then again, who could love a crazy person. I'm not selfish, they were, and they were the ones who left me behind. I was foolish for so many years thinking I should follow my heart. I wasn't meant to be happy, for some of us we are born into a life of pain and suffering."

Dr. Baxter walked over to Blackie and set her cup down on the tray. She touched the girl's arm and guided her back to the bed.

"I'm glad to hear you say that Mary Katherine, once you accept who you are then you know where you stand in life. The human mind can become detached when conditions are right, it becomes fragile and so many influences can make it believe in so many delusions.

Katie was so weak, she couldn't even take care of herself, look at how she ended up, poor and homeless. That's what happens when you think your body is stronger than your mind. Poor old Mary, she was so hopeless, believing that a piece of folded paper could bring you luck. She ended up alone with her fallacies watching the world go by from her window. They were both failures too, you know that now don't you?"

Blackie stopped in mid stride and looked complacently at the doctor. Her eyes bore into the woman's dull brown orbs.

"Do you know what I know Doc? I know who I am now. Just as I know who you are, you're a liar.

Katie isn't weak she's a survivor. She could have easily given up but she makes the best of what little she has, she uses her intelligence.

Mary is hope. She's the hope that it is possible to live your dream if you believe in yourself and keep your heart from dying. Staying grounded isn't always safe and life is too short to not live it while you're still a part of it.

I know who I am. I am Katie, Mary and Blackie. I am a person of great worth who has every right to be happy without worrying how it will affect mankind. I know I can't save the world but I can now save me and that's the biggest challenge I face and I will win.

I also know who you are Dr. Bastard. You're the demon that has lived inside my head for all those years feeding me lies about myself. I didn't recognize you at first, but now I see you for what you really are, a parasite. You attached yourself to my soul; you fed off of all my weaknesses, my emotions. You encouraged my self-loathing and stoked the embers of my deep buried pain. You're every ugly thought I've ever had, the whisper in my ear that told me I was a failure."

Dr. Baxter panicked as she began to change, she started to shrink and distort giving way to an ugly deformed being.

"No, I was the one that kept you from making a fool of yourself. I was always there for you; I never left you, not once. I held your pain and anger for you so no one could hurt you again.

You can't live without me I am you. I am stronger than you and I can see the world for the miserable little marble it is, I kept you away from all those wicked people who only wanted to use you. You're a pathetic excuse for a human and I kept you from ruining the lives of any more people. Go ahead run away, that's what you do best, run from what upsets you and then you can shut yourself down."

Blackie suddenly began to feel empowered, the more her demon tried to save itself the weaker it became and it found it's self shriveling in the light that was forming around it's host.

"You have no more power over me because I now know all of your tricks and lies. Why don't you go away and find some other poor bastard that you can torment. You're done here."

The deformed little demon started to panic as the light grew bigger and brighter until finally it was nowhere to be seen. Blackie felt free for the first time in a very long time. She looked to find that her wrists were healed and realized the cuts were never there to begin with; it was all part of the illusion.

"I knew you could do it lovely. I felt it when I first touched you, it was very weak but it was still there nonetheless. You have the power."

Blackie ran over and hugged Vivienne tightly. She noticed the dark haired woman was crying.

"Vivienne don't cry and don't be sad. You saved me and I don't know how I can ever thank you."

"I'm not sad lovely, these are tears of joy. You'll find people can cry when they are joyful. As for saving you, no I didn't save you, you saved yourself. You still have free will. I only guided you and opened your eyes you opened your heart. All three parts are now connected and you are now restored." She then kissed Blackie on both cheeks and held her hands. "Now I must leave you, it's my busy season you know and before you ask, yes I will always be with you. You have so many great gifts to share and a heart large enough to love the whole world, go now and make up for lost time."

The tears spilled down the blonde woman's face as she felt the love emanating from this wonderful creature and she realized what she had to do next.

"Thank you Vivienne, I really don't know what else to say."

"Lovely, you just spoke in volumes."

~Merry Christmas~

She stood there looking at the picture taken many years ago on Christmas day. It was a picture of her, much younger sitting in a gondola and holding up a tiny paper crane. Turning it over she read the inscription on the back.

"If you're reading this it must be Christmas day and you are keeping true to your word that you will read this every Christmas. I hope you remember that you have the power to make your own happiness and the wings to soar.

Having a wonderful time, wish you were here...oh wait you are here.

Blackie Malone

She smiled as she remembered back to that one special Christmas. Suddenly she was aware that someone was standing next to her.

"Grandma, why do you read that every Christmas and who's the lady in the boat?"

"That lady was me when I was much younger and sent this picture to myself many years ago so I never forget who I am and what I can accomplish when I dare to spread my wings. Someday you will do the same. Now Vivienne, we have work to do, shall we get things together?"

"Yep, I got the paper and the string, Mommy said you taught her how to make paper cranes and that one day I will do the same with my little girl. Is it true they bring you luck?" The tiny brunette watched as Blackie place the picture back on the mantle.

Smiling down at her granddaughter, she pushed away a few loose strands of hair and tucked them behind the girl's ear.

"Yes, they do lovely, they brought you to me didn't they?"

"You're silly Grandma Mary, I'm too big for them to carry, now come and show me how to make them." The little girl grabbed her grandmother's hand and dragged her into the kitchen.

They walked past the walls decorated with pictures of Blackie posing with her crane in different cities in different countries. As her granddaughter pulled her down the hallway they almost knocked over the table that stood in the window and upsetting the tiny tree with its paper decorations and single strand of white lights.