Revenge?

"That's not the point, Scott. It's not the money. It's more distance between us."

Scott looked thoughtful for a moment and then spoke.

"I don't get it, Lisa. You wanted to be able to play with other men, but didn't want to give up anything in our relationship?"

"Remember, I said I'd give him up if you wanted me too. That's not fair, Scott!"

"Oh...so you weren't interested in doing it simply because it was the right thing to do or out of respect for me. Only if it was the only way for us to stay together?"

"Well...when you put it like that...."

My God, this wasn't going like it wanted it to go at all. What was I going to do? I had really opened a can of worms here and was beginning to see that now.

"Lisa, let me help you with something here. I agreed to stay married because I wasn't 100% sure that I had been as proactive as I should have been with communicating our needs and feelings with one another as the years passed. I didn't want to just leave...even though you cheated on me...on us...without making sure I went more than my share of the distance to make our relationship vibrant and mutually fulfilling.

"Having said that, make no mistake about it. My cock may be too small for you. I'm sorry about that, but it's the only one I have. I may not excite you anymore, but you need to understand that I still have some pride and a male ego and will not be treated with disrespect. What do you think our friends and family would think of me? What do you think my co-workers would think of me if they knew you had a boyfriend at all...let alone one that I knew about and was content to simply let you have him and have all of me at the same time?

"Sorry...not interested in that. Let me make one more thing clear as well. I haven't asked before, but how long have you been with Bill?"

"I haven't been with Bill...just seeing Bill!"

"With. Seeing. Fucking. Whatever. How long?"

Scott was getting mad now. The layers involved with what I had done to him were just now starting to be peeled away and I liked myself and my situation less by the hour. I started to cry again.

"Almost a year."

This was followed by a long silence.

"A year? A year?!"

"Yes."

Again...no point in lying now, was there?

"So here's the deal. One year after you decide to stop seeing Bill, or anyone else, we can discuss whether we can/will become husband and wife in anything more than name.

Now, if you don't mind, this game is important."

Now the pieces were beginning to fall together. Now I was beginning to realize just how much of a bitch I had been and how badly I had hurt the man that I now understood I loved more than ever. I knew there was no point in pleading my case. Not only had I cheated on Scott, but I had the arrogance, lack of sensitivity, and selfishness to ask him to keep on doing it, but also keep all the things I liked best at the time about our marriage. God, I was starting to hate myself.

A year was going to be a very long time, but there was no question that I was going to wait it out. I guess another month or so wouldn't matter, would it? Maybe just 1-2 more times with Bill to be able to enjoy the memories....

You guessed it. I called Bill and met him again the next day. I'm clearly a poster child for self-destructive behavior, and yet...I did it anyway. After spending another couple of hours with Bill, I wanted to take steel wool and purge myself. It wasn't exciting. It didn't feel good. I felt dirty and cheap. I told him as I left to go back home that I wasn't ever interested in seeing or hearing from him again. To add insult to injury, he didn't really seem to care. I definitely hadn't wanted him to put up such an argument that it became awkward to end things between us, but I had at least hoped he would make some effort to talk me out of moving on for the sake of my ego.

This situation was getting better and better all the time. Surely, Scott couldn't have planned things to turn out this way, could he? He couldn't know how I would start to feel and that Bill would ultimately dump me (well, he may as well have), right?

I told Scott the next day that Bill and I were through. I don't know what I was expecting. I guess I was hoping for him to be happy about it and to take me into his arms and all to be forgiven? I know... I know....

He simply made a note on the calendar then turned to me.

"I'm glad to hear you've made that decision. You should understand I don't believe you and don't believe you won't find someone else. You're going to have to prove to me that you haven't been with any other men for a year from now in order to get me back. I have no idea how you'll do that, but that's not my problem."

Scott started to walk away and then turned around.

"Oh...just so you're not surprised by it, I'll be having a guest over for dinner tomorrow night."

So the final blow had arrived. (This had to be the final blow, right? Hadn't I learned my lesson by now? Just to facilitate my self-pity let me recap.

After getting caught, I:

1. Found the sex with my lover immediately got boring

2.Started to miss the emotional intimacy of my marriage terribly

3.Became aware of how significant the non-sexual aspect of my physical relationship with my husband was and now was lost

4.Hated myself because of the guilt feelings I now had

5.Hurt badly as a result of the pain I had caused Scott

6.Now I could enjoy a sudden and overwhelming jealousy (interesting how it never occurred to me that HE might take an interest in someone else)

Other than that, it had been a pretty good last few weeks.

As I'm sure you may have guessed Lauren (that was her name) was absolutely stunning. She was about 5'3". I'd guess her to weigh about 105 with fantastic legs, red hair with a smattering of freckles, and a C-cup. She worked in an adjacent office building as Scott and they crossed paths in the connecting garage and security desk on occasion and had brief discussions.

Apparently, she had had something of a crush on Scott for quite some time, but he wouldn't have anything do with her beyond friendly discussion. Clearly, he now felt free to do so.

They had been seeing one another for a couple of weeks now and were clearly already very comfortable together. She came over and Scott grilled some steaks which she complimented until she was blue in the face. I know all this, of course because I was peeking out windows and around doors the whole time she was there. She left around 11 and I pretended to come out of my room for a drink of water.

"She's pretty," I told Scott.

"Yes, she is. Thank you for saying so."

"Why did you have to bring her here? Was it to teach me a lesson?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Lisa. You saw someone else for over two years behind my back. You're really going to be jealous about me seeing someone now that we have agreed we don't owe one another any fidelity? I don't get you."

"I guess it's just that...well....I'm definitely seeing what a self-serving bitch I've been. I'd like to ask...no...I guess beg you to take me back. I mean really take me back."

"Talk to me in a year and we'll see, Lisa."

I didn't think it was possible to cry any more tears, but I found a way.

To make a long story at least a little bit shorter, I hung in there for the next year. I took an additional part time job in order to be able to pay a surveillance expert to monitor everything I did through cameras and recording devices. Ironic, since I later found out that's how I'd be caught. I had the reports sent directly to Scott.

He never commented on them. He continued to be friendly to me, but his wall never crumbled at all. He continued seeing Lauren and, though I made it a point not to subject myself to their time together after that first evening, I assumed they were very serious. It was the longest and certainly one of the most painful years of my life. I oscillated between self-pity because of how badly this was hurting me, and self-loathing because I knew I had hurt Scott so badly and deserved everything that was happening to me. Scott was never blatantly mean or never made any remark that would imply any of this was about revenge. I guess he felt he just needed this time in order to regain the dignity he felt he had lost.

At the end of my year of purgatory, I approached Scott.

"Scott, can we talk?"

"Sure, Lisa, what's up?"

"Well, you may not remember, but it has been a year now."

"Yes...I was thinking that same thing."

"So can we discuss being husband and wife again? I think you would agree I've done everything you've asked. In fact...and you may assume this, but I don't want to leave it to chance that you do, so..... I want you to know that I have spent much of the past year reflection. I've finally figured out what caused me to do it. I wish I had an answer that painted me in a different light, but it was very simply selfishness on my part.

I wanted everything we had together, but also wanted the added excitement of something illicit on the side. It really wasn't about Bill at all. Nor was it about anything missing between us. I told myself in the beginning that I wasn't hurting you if you didn't find out.

Now that I have had time to step back and think about it unemotionally I'm ashamed of myself. I mean...I was ashamed at the time, of course, but clearly not enough to stop it. I want you to know I'm prepared to do whatever you want to make things right between us."

"I'm pleased and impressed with your thoughts and insight, assuming it's genuine, of course.

Having said that, I have to tell you Lauren and I have decided to get married. I've fallen in love with her and, though I don't say this to hurt you, the sex is much better with her than it ever was with you. Her pussy is quite a bit tighter, to be honest, and I think she's just a better fit for me, sexually-speaking as well as being at least as good a fit as we ever were together emotionally, mentally, and intellectually. Oh...and she plays golf.

"I'm really sorry to hurt you, but now I do need to go ahead and get that divorce."

Scott hesitated for a quick moment and looked at me, then turned and walked away.

I collapsed on the floor and cried what was left of my heart out.