Reversals Ch. 03

Consequences

Eric was still feeling upset as he turned onto the street for their apartment, coming home from his shopping run. He'd stopped at the liquor store first, for something to relax him later that afternoon, and then the gaming store, where he normally went to blow off some time, poking around at different game manuals, magazines, and comics. Normally, he enjoyed strolling around the store, losing himself there, forgetting about the harsher realities of life; but today, it had been different. The visit to the gaming store had been agitating, even embarrassing. The ironic thing, to Eric, was that he'd spent a lot of money there in the past, back when he was working. He had crates filled with comics and magazines in his closet from that very store.

Why should it matter if he was being a little more frugal these days? The comment the manager had hurled at him was humiliating. "This isn't a library," he'd said to him, trying to shame him into buying the magazine he'd been reading. Granted, he'd been there for a few minutes flipping through the pages and maybe a few more reading the one good article he saw, but he hadn't wanted to buy the magazine for a single article. He'd placed it back in the rack after his rebuke, flashed a faux smile at the man, and walked out. He needed to be a little more careful with money was all. Their joint account had much less in it since he'd lost his job and he didn't want Julia getting upset over questionable charges on their credit card bill. It was so damn frustrating. He gritted his teeth as he thought about it. Could he even go back to that store now?

He parked his car on the street, a bit away from their building. It meant walking a little further to the entrance, but Eric felt it was better than parking in the lot, off the ally, in the back of their building. It felt less conspicuous somehow since most of the cars in the back disappeared each morning as people went off to work, including Julia's. Having his car sitting out back, after everybody had gone to work, sitting out there alone, like a sore thumb, virtually proclaiming he was still unemployed, felt awkward at best. Maybe it was a small thing, but it helped him feel better about his situation.

Eric retrieved the paper sack from the back seat of his car as he exited and wrapped his arm around it, concealing it as best he could. Guilt gnawed at his conscience as he began walking to the entrance of the building. Guilt over wasting money on beer, guilt over wasting most of his time everyday in utterly empty pursuits, guilt over being humiliated at the store, guilt over not being a better man overall, it all gnawed at him as he walked on. Looking at the first floor patio across the court, Eric wondered if John, the drunk in the next building over, had started like this, remorseful and guilty, drowning his sorrows with booze, until, one day, the alcohol just took over and he didn't care anymore. Oblivion. It was depressing to even think about it.

Just as Eric's sense of self-pity was starting to peak he spotted Julia's car in the back and stopped dead in his tracks. He just stared at the car for a few moments, his mind perplexed, trying to catch up with the fact that she must of come home early from work. He took a few tiny steps backward as trepidation and worry began displacing his growing sense of self-loathing. She wasn't going to approve of the beer at all if she saw it, Eric reasoned. Hide it back in the car? The idea made him wince. He took a deep breath and tried to think it through, what was happening to him, the drinking, all the gaming. Then he froze.

"Shit."

Eric ran to the building, threw the outer door open, fumbling with his keys as he nervously keyed open the inner security door, and bolted up the stairs in a panic.

The game. He left the damn game running. If Julia saw it...

He keyed their apartment door, panting, fingers trembling, trying to regain some composure. Eric numbly dropped the paper sack as he entered. He took a deep breath, easing it out, then walked slowly, gingerly through the apartment scanning for Julia. Her purse was on the dinning room table with her cellphone resting next to it. She wasn't on the patio but the drapes were wide open. Had she seen his empty beer bottles? Would she care if she had? He slowed his pace as he approached the bedrooms in the back of the apartment. Maybe she wasn't feeling well and had come home to rest. Maybe she was taking a nap in their bed. But she wasn't. Eric's heart sank.

He found Julia sitting in his office, in front of his computer, just staring at the screen, watching the screen saver presenting one image of the game after another to her. It was like she'd found a private, photo album and was flipping through all the pages, with little, hidden secrets leaking out as the computer changed from one image to the next. Julia just sat there, looking at the screen, motionless, except for her red nails which were scratching slowly at the top of the desk like she was in a type of trance. She kept her back to Eric the entire time. The longer he watched her the more unnerving it became.

"You know, I came home early today to share some news with you," Julia said with a slight quaver in her voice, still facing the computer with her back to him. "The key word there... share," she said. "So, can you imagine how I felt finding out today that you've been hiding things from me? Lying to me?" she said, her tone and manner getting louder, more angry as she spoke.

"Juls-"

"Stop!" Julia spat, as she turned around suddenly to face Eric. "You told me you wouldn't game anymore while I was at work earning our money. You have no business playing while I work! You told me you understood that it was disrespectful to me and wrong and you agreed you'd never do it again. So were you just lying to me or you don't care about my feelings or what?! Which is it Eric?"

"Juls... I haven't really-"

"Oh no, do not lie to my face! I've seen your screen saver and I looked at your computer. I know when you took those pictures. I'm not an idiot! You've been playing during the day! While I was working!" she said. "Don't insult my intelligence on top of everything else by denying it."

An awkward silence filled the room. Eric didn't know what to say to her. He wasn't even sure what to say to himself. He looked into Julia's beautiful eyes, remembering when they'd been so full of hope for their future together, so full of love and excitement, but now he saw nothing but anger and hurt and betrayal in them.

Julia reached around behind her to the well worn game guide she'd found earlier and hurled it at Eric, tearing off the cover with a wrenching throw. Eric flinched reflexively as the book hit him in the chest and fell to the floor. It lay there sprawled open at his feet, it's ripped cover landing a couple of feet to the side. "Explain that too while you're at it," she said gesturing to the book. "It looks like you live in that game," she said.

Eric looked at Julia sitting there, in his office, in his chair, filled with bitter rage. He was utterly unprepared to deal with her. He'd seen her angry before but this was something different, a type of fury he'd never seen in her. A part of him wanted to fight back, but he felt responsible. He was the one that had hurt her, he knew the rules, he could have prevented this. "I'm sorry," Eric said, almost in a whisper as a deep sadness embraced him.

Julia stared incredulously at Eric. "That's it? You're sorry?"

"I was wrong. I'm sorry," he said contritely. "I'm not sure what else to say Juls. I just... it's been really hard being out of work so long. My job used to be really important to me and it just... went away." Eric leaned against the wall and looked away, not wanting to lock eyes with Julia as feelings of shame mingled with sadness in him. "It's been a long time Juls, being out of work." He picked up the sprawled book at his feet, held it in both hands, and stared at it. "I guess, playing the game, accomplishing goals in the game... It's been giving me a sense of doing something, achieving something," Eric said as he struggled to keep his composure. "I'm not sure what else to say. Its like I matter there, Juls."

Julia looked at her husband and saw a different side of the man that she'd never seen before. He looked insecure, a bit frail, lost. Where was the confident, considerate man she'd fallen in love with? She didn't much like this side of him. Should she feel compassion for him? Contempt? Weren't men supposed to be the strong ones or was that just another myth spread by the patriarchy?

"Eric," she said with as much calm as she could muster, "what you're supposed to be accomplishing and achieving is getting another job. Maybe it means training or going back to school so you can do something else. You can be doing research or reading or taking a class or working on networking with people. There's lots of things you can do, lots of ways to move forward, contribute." Julia stood up and crossed the room until she was inches away from Eric's face. Her anger spiked again as she stood next to him. "What you absolutely do NOT do is play games all day, drink beer, and let the dirt and dishes pile up all around you!"

Eric stood there mortified. Everything she was saying was true and they both knew it. Arguing with her seemed pointless. If there was supposed to be a winner and loser of this fight, Eric knew he'd just lost.

"Juls, I really am sorry. I... lost myself someplace over the months," Eric's face turned to a pained expression as months of regret and disillusionment registered. "I didn't do anything wrong Juls. They just took my job and gave it away," he said, his eyes looking almost glassy and far away. "It wasn't my fault. Really it wasn't. They just decided to advance some women at the company. And..." he stopped for a moment, trying to find a way to make sense of it all, trying to find a way to express his grief and loss. "Call it equality or reverse discrimination. Call it whatever you want, gender politics or anything else. Truth is, I lost my job because I didn't have the right genitals to keep it, Juls," he said, sounding defeated.

Julia looked at him with suspicion. "So, maybe that wasn't fair. But maybe they were making up for years of discrimination against women and trying to balance things out. So, you got caught in the middle. Whatever, fair or not, you have an obligation to me, to your wife, to do your part for our family. You get that right?"

"Juls, it's not like I haven't tried," he said with a pleading tone. "Remember, a few months ago, I thought I had that job at that financial firm? I got the referral from my friend there, Tom Hastings. He helped line it all up. I got a personal recommendation letter from him. The second interview went great and I really thought they were going to make me an offer. Then, like a week later Tom told me they gave the job to a woman. Tom said I had the better qualifications. She still got the job. Remember all that? More gender politics, Juls. Men are losing opportunities all over and I don't see any class-action lawsuits defending us out there. So long as women are getting opportunities and promotions nothing else seems to matter."

Julia looked at Eric sternly, ready to defend her gender. "You can't dump all your problems at the feet of women, Eric. Women didn't force you to play the game and disrespect me. Women didn't force beer down your throat. And women surely didn't force you to pile up the dishes in the sink and let them sit there so I can do them after working all day!"

Eric remained silent. She didn't seem to care that men were having a harder time now or that the world had seemed to flip upside-down.

"I hope you're not planning on ending up like that John across from us - unemployed, do nothing, drunk. He's an embarrassment," Julia stated emphatically. "I don't plan on living like that! We were talking about having a baby that I could maybe stay at home with. I don't see how that's even possible today!"

"I'm really sorry Julia, I really am," Eric said.

"Okay, if you really are sorry, if you really are, then you need to fix it," she said.

"I'm out there looking everyday, Juls. Okay, I can try harder, but I have myself out there on all kinds of job sites and networking sites."

"That's fine," she said. "But I'm talking about more than that. You need to promise to stay off the game while I'm sweating my ass off trying to earn money so we can eat and have a roof over our heads." She looked at him squarely until he locked eyes with her. "Stay off the game during the day!" she exclaimed, pointing her index finger at his face to underscore the point. "You can't disrespect me like that again."

Eric nodded. "Okay, I won't play during the day anymore."

"No more beer during the day either. I don't want you ending up like John."

"Okay, I can do that," Eric said.

Julia studied Eric for a few moments, looking at him like he was an errant, disobedient child, hands on her hips, fuming. "And do the damn dishes!"

Eric gave her a reassuring nod.

"Now!" she yelled.

"Okay, you're right Julia," Eric said as he walked to the kitchen.

Julia followed and watched him as he began loading the dishwasher. He should be washing the dishes, he'd agreed to it a long time ago, she reasoned. Being home all the time it made sense. But as Julia stood there watching him, hands on her hips, she realized there was something different going on. She wasn't so much watching him as she was supervising him. He wasn't just doing the dishes like he'd agreed to, he was doing them because she'd just ordered him to.

It was a moment of realization, a moment that underscored a change between them - she'd ordered him. Maybe it was wrong, she admitted to herself, but there was something deliciously naughty in bossing him around. Maybe with his confidence eroded, as it was, he was easier to manipulate, more like a little boy than a man. Then Julia remembered something Samantha had said earlier: 'You're the one supporting the family... You're the one with the power now". Was she right? The old, confident Eric, back in the days when his career was good and he was earning a good salary, would have never allowed her to simply boss him around like this new, insecure, and lost Eric had just done. Julia felt conflicted. She shouldn't like how satisfying it felt to watch Eric jump to her commands like he'd just done, should she? It was an interesting question. Maybe men were weaker than she thought. Maybe Samantha had been right about that all along.

"Another thing," Julia shouted to Eric while he was scrubbing some hard gunk out of the bottom of a glass baking pan. He looked over his shoulder at her as he kept scrubbing. At that moment, hunched over the sink, looking back at her, waiting for her next words, he looked more like a servant to her than her husband, he'd fallen so far since their early days together. She almost wanted to know how much further she could push him before he fought back. "I've been thinking," she started, "since you violated our agreement about playing games while I was working, which really is a very serious thing, like a slap in the face to me...," she let her words trail off as anticipation built in her for what she was planning on saying next. "I've been thinking, you need a... punishment," a pang of excitement shooting thorough her as the last word fell from her lips.

Eric stopped scrubbing and turned around at the sink, his face contorted between puzzlement and concern as he struggled to understand the dynamic playing out between them. He paused for a moment, looking directly at her, then seemingly found some resolve as he folded his arms across his chest and stood straight, a resurgence of male pride beginning to etch itself across his features. "Julia, I don't-"

"You don't think you deserve a punishment?" she interrupted. "I disagree. You said you were sorry. You admitted you were wrong. But I'm not sure you understand how deeply wrong it was. Playing games and drinking while I'm supporting you just isn't something I'm willing to let you do," she said, letting the implied threat linger and burn for a few moments. "You need a punishment."

Eric looked at his beautiful wife standing there, arms crossed, asserting herself with authority she'd never wielded before. His mouth hung open while his mind looked for the words to object. The very idea that Julia could impose a punishment stuck in his heart like a spike. He wanted to yell at her, tell her to hang her punishment, that it was absurd. But she was earning all their money. Every dime he spent was coming from her. What would she do? Did he even want to challenge her and find out? How could he have let himself come to this place?

"You have every right to be upset," Eric said, galled at having to mollify her but it had to be better than fighting with her. "There's days when it's harder than other days for me, when I'm really upset with where I'm at." Eric flashed her an enigmatic smile twisted by painful memories. "Some of those days I wanted to escape I guess. The game helped me do that." Eric looked at her sincerely, hoping she'd understand. "I wasn't trying to be disrespectful to you, Juls. But, you're right. We had an agreement and I broke it. I really am sorry," he said with a heartfelt voice, appealing to her, hoping to satisfy her.

"Sorry?" Julia looked at him suspiciously, pursing her lips. "I don't know Eric," Julia said, shaking her head. "You have responsibilities and I'm not seeing anything getting better here. It looks like it's getting worst in fact. You're a grown man. I can't ground you. What am I supposed to do? Take the power cord from your computer with me to work everyday? Stuff it in my purse in the morning?" she asked with a questioning shrug.

"But, I use the computer for work. I mean, I visit job sites. I'm trying to get some interviews," he said dolefully. "I'm doing other stuff too, trying to keep current. Trying to stay plugged in."

"Well, I'm not sure what to do here Eric. I don't think a simple, 'I'm sorry' is good enough. You need to be punished." Julia stared at Eric with a stern but questioning gaze, waiting for him to accept the idea and acquiesce.

It was an odd moment. As Eric looked at Julia something palpable stirred between them, something primal, something that defined who they were to each other. He'd taken too much from her already today. He needed to walk away from her and put them back on some type of equal footing even if it did risk her anger. "Julia, I just can't accept that," he said matter-of-factly.

Julia looked at him sternly, her eyes unwavering on his, unblinking, staring him down. "Honestly, I don't care if you want to accept it or not Eric," she said acidly. "So, from now on, I'm just going to have to make sure you get back on track by myself," she said. "I'll be taking the power cord from your computer to work with me every morning from now on," she announced. "You won't be able to play any longer, so you won't be able to disrespect me any longer. You can have the cord when I get home at night, assuming you did the dishes of course." Eric looked at her with a dead-pan glare.

"You can't... do that Julia," Eric said.

"No? I'm the only one paying bills around here Eric so I really can do that," she said. "It's my electricity you're using, in the apartment I'm paying for. So, if I say you can't use the computer, then you can't." Julia stood in front of him, resolute, her boldness growing by the minute.

Eric couldn't believe she was going this far. He barely recognized her. Trying to mollify her hadn't worked. Trying to appeal to her hadn't worked. Maybe simple defiance would work. "Fine Julia, go ahead, take the power cord," he said dismissively. "I'll just go pickup a new one."