Risk Your Heart

I dressed in my best jeans and a nicely fitted blue T-shirt, and followed him down to his car. It was nice not to have to drive, too. I was beginning to hate driving.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"It's a surprise," Drew said. "I thought I'd get you something special."

"Hhhm," I said. Inside I could feel my heart glow. When's the last time I got a surprise, or a gift? I couldn't remember.

I recognized all the roads we were on. Then we turned on some roads we didn't know, and after a minute or two we were driving on a road lined with really dense trees, and I realized we were approaching the church where I first met Drew.

Was he taking me back to the church where we first met? That was kind of romantic.

"We're going to church?" I asked.

"Huh?" Drew glanced over at me, and then back at the road. "No."

I looked at him. His brown hair had grown longer, so the back was curling under, a little further down his neck.

We took a right turn, and then another, and then headed into a strip plaza I didn't know was there.

"Close your eyes," he said.

I followed directions.

I felt the car slow, and then Drew was parking, and then the car stopped. I heard Drew get out. I heard my car door open, and Drew helped me down. I kept my eyes closed. Drew led me a few steps, across the parking lot, I assumed, and up onto the sidewalk.

"Open your eyes," Drew said.

I did. I was looking into a store window, at an easel and art supplies.

I felt a little seizure in my chest. I didn't know why.

Drew grabbed me by the elbow.

"Come on," he said excitedly.

He dragged me into the store.

"Surprise!" Drew said. "You're at that computer all the time. I noticed you didn't have any painting supplies in your apartment, but you said you loved art. I figured I'd buy you whatever you want. Paints, charcoals, pastels, hell, even photography equipment if you'd like. Then if you wanted, when we go hiking you could bring some stuff and paint by the lake while we picnic or—"

He broke off mid-sentence.

I was wandering around.

I was sure all the blood had drained from my face. I put a hand up to my cheek. It was cool, dead cool. I had a feeling it was gray and ashen.

"Leah?"

Drew's voice sounded very far away, under water, tinny. Part of me, the part that was still functioning normally could tell it sounded concerned.

I walked the aisles.

Fabrics. Wood cut-outs. Sparkles. Candle-making supplies. Scrapbooking papers. Ribbons. Beads. Markers. Pencils... Paints.

My mind went blank.

Paints. Paint brushes.

I began to hyperventilate. I couldn't breathe.

The men. The ones with the white hockey masks. I couldn't see.

I stopped breathing completely. I was choking. I grabbed my throat.

There was an elephant sitting on my chest. A heavy, heavy elephant.

My knees felt wobbly. Gelatin-like. Liquid.

I bent over at the waist.

I felt a hard smack on my back, real or imagined, and I took in a deep breath.

I started shaking.

My heart started racing. Like I had had too much coffee. The beat got faster and faster, like a sewing machine racing out of control, until the needle was tattooing a beat on my heart that was too fast to follow.

A big fist clamped down on my heart, squeezing it.

I floated above my body, watching it. The trembling got worse.

"Leah?!"

I think Drew's hand was on my back, but I couldn't be sure. I wasn't even sure where I was.

Suddenly I felt sick to my stomach. Acid and bile combined, in a red, biting, caustic, ball of stomach churning heartburn. It heaved up from my stomach, to my chest, into my esophagus, and I put a hand over my heart to keep it from spilling out.

From far away I heard myself talking, and belatedly realized that maybe I said the worst possible thing.

"I need a Tums."

"LEAH!"

As if it were operated completely by someone else, as if I were a marionette, and someone else was pulling my strings, my head and neck turned toward Drew. Like a video camera with no one behind it, my eyes recorded his presence.

"Leah," Drew said in a very calm voice. "Do you have any pain in your chest? Do you feel any tightness, heaviness, aching, or burning in your chest? Do you feel any pain radiating down into your arm?"

I didn't answer him.

He spoke louder. "Are you having any difficulty breathing? Are you having any pain in your back? Anywhere in your upper body? Feel like you're having heartburn?" His voice went up a lot at the end at that one.

Drew took his phone out of his pocket. He dialed with one hand and started taking my pulse with the other. Vaguely, as if from far away, I heard three tones, three numbers being pressed. 911.

"Yes," he said loudly into the phone. "I need an ambulance at...." He looked around, presumably searching for an address.

Part of me smiled at the word ambulance, but part of me also got it. He was calling an ambulance. I yanked my wrist out of his hand and tried to wave it in such a way to waive away his concern.

Drew was reciting the address into the phone.

"I just need a break," I said softly.

"Leah," he said very slowly, as if I were seriously retarded or very, very drunk, "You're having a heart attack."

I shook my head.

"This is EMT badge number 748-935-652412," Drew said, "I need that ambulance, at the art supply store, STAT—"

"I just need a break," I said a little louder. I stood up straight.

"Can I get an approximate ETA on that?" Drew asked.

"I just need a break," I yelled at the top of my lungs. I couldn't believe it. I never yelled. It was like something took over, and I couldn't control it. I threw my hands up in the air and walked out of the store.

I heard Drew cancel the ambulance, and I felt, rather than heard, his baffling sentiment, which seemed very far behind me. The minute I was out of the store I felt better. It was like whatever happened never was. I blinked in the bright sunlight. The day was warm. It reminded me of those movies where you walked through a door and you were in another dimension. I don't know where I had just been, but when I was on the sidewalk, everything was normal again.

I walked to Drew's car, and on automatic pulled at the passenger side door. Locked.

"You want to tell me what happened back there?" Drew said from behind me.

No.

"Back where?" I said.

"Get in the car," he said. I recognized that voice. My Dom used to use that. The voice that said, 'I am NOT happy.' I'd never heard Drew use it before.

I felt like I should say something, but what?

We were silent. It was the first time the silence was uncomfortable.

Drew started the car and started driving. The car sounded loud. The silence stretched on. It was probably only a few seconds, but it seemed like more because the silence felt laden with cement.

I started to shake. The trembling started in my toes, and then quickly jerked up my body, as if I were having spasm fits in each muscle group in quick succession.

"Wh-wh-what's ha-hap- happening to me?"

"Adrenaline burn-off," Drew said.

I looked over at Drew. That one lock of hair was flopped over his forehead. His mouth was set in a grim line.

The shaking stopped as abruptly as it started.

"I'm sorry if I scared you," I said.

"How often do you get panic attacks?" he asked.

"Almost never," I said.

"You could have told me," he said.

"I was hoping it would never come up," I said.

Drew pulled off the road. I looked around. He had pulled into the church parking lot.

Oh. Full circle.

"Well, you did scare me, Leah. You scared the fuck out of me," he said loudly. "I love you, and I care for you, and I wish I had known, because then it might not have taken me quite so long to figure out what was happening."

I don't like being yelled at. I really don't like being yelled at. It's one of my things. Even though he wasn't exactly yelling, he wasn't yelling at all in fact, his raised voice triggered something in me and the fist started to close around my heart again. I could feel my breathing get shallow.

Drew's voice became very soothing. "It's all right, baby. It's just with my history with my wife, I wish I had known, is all, it's okay."

I nodded, but I was having some kind of reaction, and I couldn't slow my breathing down. I didn't want to have another attack. But worrying about not having another attack was making me more anxious. Sweat beads popped out on my forehead. I tried to take in a deep breath and hold it for the count of five, but I couldn't do it.

Suddenly I was freezing. I shivered.

"Okaaaaayyyyyy," Drew said. He hopped out of the car, around to my side, and firmly dragged me out. "In the church we go."

"Right," I said. I resisted the urge to giggle hysterically. Strangely, just walking from the car to the church calmed me. Oh, right. Physical exercise could calm people down. I forgot.

We went in the church, and Drew guided me into the same room where we first bumped into each other, fell on top of each other, fell for each other, or didn't in my case because I wouldn't let myself. Wait. Did he say he loved me? No. I must have imagined that. It's been a long day.

I walked over to the bulletin board. It looked the same. Babysitter needed. Chevy Impala for sale, cheap. The flyer for the Labor Day Fair was still up, peeking out under another flyer pinned on top of it. There was a flyer calling for volunteers for a kids' Halloween dance. Hard to believe that people were planning for Halloween already when it was still so hot out. My mind was still stuck on August.

I was reeling. I thought about how Drew was with me in the ambulance, and I immediately calmed down. He'd talked me into the most romantic scene, where we both were transported to a tropical island, having sex outdoors on the beach. I glanced over my shoulder.

Drew was standing a few feet behind me, giving me some space.

I remembered how hot it was. The air on the beach was hot. Being tied up was hot. Having Drew, totally in control, dominating but not domineering, slowly kissing and nipping his way down my body...my temperature rose as I thought about it.

Perhaps Drew sensed a change in the air, because he came and stood closer to me, very close. He was close enough that I could feel heat radiating off him, and I pictured just a millimeter of space was between the front of his body and the back of mine.

"What are you thinking about, sweetheart?"

"That scene you built for us in the ambulance."

He laughed, one sharp bark. "That's not what I would have guessed," Drew said.

"I have to distract myself for a minute," I said.

Drew closed that last hair of space between us, pressing me to him tightly, and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Tell me about it," he said.

I slapped his hand lightly. "You were there, perv. You know what happened. You made it happen. You know how it was. You know what it was like."

"I want to know what it was like for you. "

I was silent.

"Tell me about it," he said again, but in a deeper, more commanding voice. "That's an order."

I laughed softly.

"Well, let's see," I said quietly. "We were on the beach, and you were doing magical things with your tongue." I could feel my breath quicken, but in a totally different way this time. "I was as wet as the ocean, dripping."

Drew started caressing his thumb on that sensitive part of my hand, sort of the 'V' of my hand where my thumb met my forefinger. It was hypnotic.

"You kept licking, circling, teasing, driving me mad, and driving me wild. I think you knew what you were doing to me."

Suddenly I was back there, both in the ambulance and on the beach.

"Then you zeroed in, and found exactly that spot, and I bucked up against you, but you didn't let up."

My heart started beating faster, as if I were running, but it felt totally fine. I was soaring; it was exhilarating.

"Mmmmn?" Drew said, when I stopped talking for a second, picturing myself pushing up against his mouth and also being held down by his strong hand.

"I came hard, and came again, but you didn't stop," I said. I heard a noise from Drew, close to my ear, a cross between a grunt and an affirmation. I felt him harden slightly against my backside.

"Part of me wanted you to stop, to do something else, I was so sensitive, swollen, everything seemed so...pink."

Drew's breathing was right in my ear now, his lips touching my hair, the pace of his breathing increasing.

"Part of me didn't want you to stop doing that, ever."

Drew made another 'Mmmmnnn,' sound, but it sounded totally different this time. His hand dropped from on top of my hand to my belly. It wasn't sexual, more possessive.

I stopped talking for a minute, and focused on taking a few deep breaths and letting my chest expand as much as possible. I opened my eyes and looked at the bulletin board. I didn't want to get too carried away. We were in a church. We had already ended up on the floor of this room once. I had a feeling if we ended up on the floor again it wouldn't be so PG.

"Go on," Drew said.

"Where was I?" I asked.

"I was rocking your world," Drew said.

I laughed. "Right." I closed my eyes again. "So I was feeling overly sensitive, and the sun was warming my skin, and I was wishing you would stop licking me and also wishing that amazing thing you were doing with your tongue would never end."

I felt Drew smile against my ear.

"Then you climbed up my body, and I wasn't sure exactly what you were going to do next, but I hoped. I wanted you inside of me so badly.

"You leaned to one side, I had a brief thought for a second that maybe you were opening your pants and putting a condom on, but I couldn't be sure, all I heard was the ocean waves. I was sure you were going to thrust into me, one hard fast strike."

I paused. Drew pulled up my shirt a little, and rubbed a slow circle on my belly. It was calming, sensuous, caring. It was beautiful and lazy. His energy was taught, but the motion of his hand was distinctly non-sexual.

"Yes...." Drew prompted.

"Uhhhh...." I said. He nibbled my neck, very gently, very slowly. Drew was using my hair to lightly brush against my skin before carefully moving it out of the way. If he was trying to distract me from whatever had happened before he was doing a damn good job.

"Go on, little slave," Drew said.

"Right," I said. "I can do that. Because my addled brain is totally capable. Mmn. Sure. No problem. So. Um."

My neck lost some muscle function. Funny how you never think about the fact that the neck needs activated muscle fibers to hold itself up, until they decide to quit on you. My head thunked back onto Drew.

He made a masculine chuckle sound.

"Yeah, yeah," I said. "You're a Dom Sex God."

"My work here is done," he said.

I sighed. Wow. That was a contented sound.

"Go on," he said.

"Where was I?" I asked.

"You thought I was going to thrust into you," Drew said.

I nodded against him. "I tensed up a little, waiting, sure you were going to plunge into me. But you didn't. You kissed my collarbones. The top of my breasts." I got warm again, and then warmer. "My nipples." My nipples perked up a little hearing themselves referred to. "Then you made figure eights over my breasts with your palm. It was such a light touch. I was surprised I liked it so much, it was like..." I stopped. I had nothing to compare it to. I suddenly had a picture of a woman rolling out dough with a rolling pin, but that didn't make sense. "It was like...ah... I don't know, a soft kind of arousal, different, but so good. Like dropping into a soft cloud that is totally sexy."

I paused again, savoring.

Drew didn't prompt me to continue this time, he just waited, rubbing slow circles on my belly with one hand, and slow, small strokes on my hand with the other.

"Then you must have leaned on your elbows, I guess," I said. As I said it, I felt like I was entering subspace again, because I could feel the sands shift under me.

"And you entered me, but so slowly, and just the tiniest bit. It was agonizing, and also glorious."

I tilted my head up slightly, as I had done then, to feel the sun on my face even more.

"I was so wet, I was sure you'd slide all the way in immediately, but you didn't, so I knew you had to be using your strength to hold back. I told myself that shouldn't be sexy, that shouldn't be hot, but it was. The control, the patience. I wondered, what is he waiting for?"

My eyes fluttered as I felt the tip of him inside me, just as strongly as when it was actually happening.

"I was waiting for our connection to get even greater," Drew whispered in my ear, "for you to blossom for me."

"Oh," I said. The word sounded choked.

"Then what?" Drew asked.

"It seemed like an eternity. I wanted to spur you on, encourage you, but I didn't know what to do."

I felt Drew smile against my ear.

"I began to squeeze you. Squeeze and release, squeeze and release, squeeze and release. I used every bit of my concentration. Every time I tried to squeeze a little bit harder. I did it to encourage you, but then I realized I was turning myself on."

We both laughed quietly at that one.

"But still you didn't move," I said.

"Then I realized I wasn't being a very good little sub," I said. "I was being pushy. I said I trusted you, but that's not really letting you lead, so then I stopped."

"Exactly," Drew said. "That's when you relinquished control. You surrendered. And your whole body opened up. And that's when I slid into all that warm, wet, slick, heavenly goodness."

"Agonizingly slowly," I said.

Drew smiled again. "I didn't hear you complaining."

I opened my eyes, and twisted my head to look over my shoulder at him. "No, I was too busy moaning."

He wiggled his eyebrows. "Yeah?" he asked, and nipped my bottom lip.

"Oh, yeah. Then when you were buried to the hilt you paused, and I wanted to scream. But then you started to move, oh God, and it was all worth it."

I closed my eyes, and I was right back there. "It wasn't just a slow in and out, it was the circles, and the side to side, and the change of tilt, and angles. I just didn't know it could be like that."

I shuddered.

I was beginning to worry I would come, standing up right there in the church. I opened my eyes again.

"Maybe we should stop here," I said.

"Nope," Drew said.

"You're a sadist," I said.

"One of my better qualities."

I crossed my arms over my chest and refused to talk for a minute. Drew waited me out. He didn't push me, or cajole me, or force me.

When I had calmed down a little, I continued.

"It seemed to last a really long time at that pace. I pictured the sun setting, the bands in the sky that were pink and magenta fading to darker blue. I hit a sort of...zen place...where I just...yielded, I guess. Enjoyed completely. I was building and building an arousal. I had already come twice, and I don't come from intercourse, so I guess I didn't think I would come again, but then I realized I was sort of slowly climbing up arousal hill. Then, like a switch flipped, you changed into high gear. The vibe changed, and you were all hot and heavy, fast and forceful.

"It took me by surprise. The sex had been all slow, languorous love making, and suddenly it was fucking, hard. In and out, in and out, in and out. Pounding."

I think Drew was holding his breath, waiting to hear my reaction to that, although I'm sure he knew.

"It was fucking amazing," I said.

"The change was so fast, and intense, and volcanic, and surprising, that it threw me over the edge, and I came so hard I saw stars," I said. "I'm sure I screamed, and then you put your hand over my mouth to gag me.

"That reminded me that we weren't on a beach, we were in an ambulance, in the parking lot where people could hear me screaming if you didn't have your palm over my mouth like that. I didn't know which was sexier, being exposed on an isolated, romantic beach, where someone might come by and see us, or being at my apartment complex where people could hear us if we weren't careful.