Room with a View

After driving around for what seemed like hours, I finally ended up at my office. It was lucky that I had my office keys. I went in, turned on the lights, and sullenly climbed up the stairs to the second floor where my office is located. On the way, I stopped in the lunchroom, got change for a dollar, and grabbed a cup of coffee. I sat at my desk holding the hot coffee in both of my hands. It was cold in the building. The heat was on a timer and was turned way down every night. I was still shaking, only not from the cold.

For four hours I sat there debating what to do. What the hell was she doing telling me that she was seeing someone on the side, and who in the hell was he? My anger kept me warm those four hours playing out ten or twenty different scenarios in my mind, and finally on paper. All I knew was that I had to get away and think about what I wanted to do about Mandy. She said she loved me and wanted to stay with me, but her actions didn't back that up.

At ten after six one of the owners walked in.

"Steve, what are you doing here so early?" Barry asked. "Couldn't sleep or are you trying to impress me?" He laughed a little but when he saw the look on my face he stopped. "I haven't seen a look like that since your dad passed a couple of years ago." He put his briefcase down on the floor by the doorway, plopped down in the chair in front of my desk, and told me to spill it.

I gave him the nickel tour of last night. He listened, saying nothing until he was sure I was finished.

"Leo's up to speed and since it's still a little slow this time of year, I want you to take two weeks off. Go get your head and ass wired together because sure as shit you won't be worth a damn until you do. Let's just say you've gone out to check on a few of our vendors and leave it go at that. Take care of what you need to do, and be ready to get back to work by the twenty-eighth. I don't want to hear or see you until then. You two figure it out, but if you can't, no use making each other miserable. If you need me you know where I am." He stood up, grabbed his briefcase, and walked down the hall to his office. I heard the heat kick on.

Barry was a great boss. He and his brother weren't into micromanaging. They let you do your job, but God help you if you didn't. Like I said, Barry could be the greatest boss you ever had or your worst nightmare. If you weren't a company person, you didn't last long. After leaving detailed instructions for Leo, I grabbed my cell phone and laptop, and headed out. The planet wouldn't stop revolving with me not being there for a week or so.

I was hoping Mandy had gone to work. She was the last person I wanted to see or talk to after the night and morning I just had. I turned on my cell and found it filled with messages from her. I heard enough last night. I was just grateful she wasn't at home when I got there.

I grabbed a beer and headed for our bedroom. I threw a suitcase on the bed and filled it with clothes. If she wasn't going to leave, I was. One more beer and I was ready to go. I left my personal cell phone on the counter. I had my work phone. I knew Mandy knew that number but not too many others did. I hoped no one, especially Mandy, would be calling it. I thought about making some type of a grandiose statement by taking off my wedding ring and sticking it to the counter with a butcher knife. But after over twenty years it would take more than a dab of butter to get off. I left without leaving so much as a note because, frankly, I didn't have a clue what to say or even where I was going.

The Motel Six in Anoka was clean, cheap, and best of all had a restaurant next door. The burger and fries were good, but the five Coronas were much better. I stumbled back to my room somewhere between ten and eleven o'clock falling asleep fully dressed. I woke up just after ten fifteen the following morning and was sick to my stomach. I was no drinker. I maybe had two beers a week, and sometimes a glass of wine with dinner on the weekends. Right now my body was paying me back, big time.

I took a hot shower not bothering to shave. I'd forgotten to take my razor yesterday. What the hell, I had no one to be clean-shaven for.

I ate a short stack of hot cakes, sausage links, and drank several cups of coffee. I toyed around with going back home and having it out with Mandy, but I was nowhere near ready for that. Looking out the restaurant window at the frozen river below I thought of our cabin.

My dad and I had bought it from my Uncle Ed about eighteen years ago, in order to insure it was kept in the family. He was retiring, moving south, and wanted to unload it. The cabin wasn't plush, more rustic than anything else. Against Mandy's wishes, I took out a loan for our half and we bought it. She wasn't an outdoors type of girl, proclaiming our money could be better used elsewhere. I did it anyway.

My dad and I let our family and close friends use it when we weren't. My kids grew to love it. Pickerel Lake wasn't huge, but a canal on the far west end of the lake connected it to Cotton Lake, which was. We, or should I say the kids and I, fished morning, noon, and night. And Mandy? Well, she used the time to study for her doctorate, which would allow her to teach at our local college—a long time dream of hers. It worked out well for all of us.

I didn't sleep much that first night in the cabin. I flipped open my cell phone probably a hundred times before finally putting it on the nightstand. I missed my wife. I wanted to call her in the worst way, but couldn't figure out what I wanted to say to her. Had she been reaching out to me in her own strange way? Was she trying to bring me back into her fold? Did she want some help to end it? Or, was she telling me that she was no longer satisfied with our life together, found a replacement for me, and was moving on? I didn't believe that last scenario for a moment, but still I wasn't sure. Hell, I wasn't sure about anything right now. The sneaking around, the lies, all dug into my stomach. Even if she hadn't done the big nasty with him, it had gone further than it should have. She herself said she had feelings of some kind for him.

My brain screamed to me, Mandy is 'MY WIFE.' She's mine and no one else's. She wasn't just my soul mate—she and I—we were one, not two individual people. No one, I repeat no one, messes with my stuff and she was on the top of that list. I remember years ago having words with one of her fellow teachers when his hands started to stray.

"Touch her like that again, and you'll be pulling back a bloody stump." He never touched her again. "How could she?" I agonized. My brain hurt, all I could do was think about it.

I thought about my dad. I'm not saying he was some kind of throw back to the past, but the word draconian comes to mind. If he ever even thought a man was looking at my mom in that type of way, he would have been dead or at least would remember the beating my dad would have given him until his dying day. My dad didn't take shit from anyone. I once saw him punch out a guy who tried to take his parking spot. He was tough and had one hell of a temper. I am not proud that I most likely inherited that not so great trait from him. My brother and I used to listen to my dad yelling at my mom at least once a week, for whatever reason that entered his mind at that moment. He would blow up and then everything would go back to normal until the next time. No one fucked with or crossed my dad. Like I said, my dad sure as hell wouldn't have tucked his tail between his legs and come up here. Right now he'd be calling me a pussy or a wimp, but I wasn't my dad—well, at least not anymore.

What the hell was I doing up here? I couldn't run away from this, I needed to fight it head on. I was her husband, for Christ's sakes, not some fucking student who was plying her with sweet talk and alcohol. We were a team, Mandy, the kids, and I.

I spent the whole day thinking and even writing down what I was going to say to her. The more I wrote, the more I thought, and the more I found cracks in our team.

When we met in our mid twenties, we were like two old style Farmers matches. We'd rub together and immediately ignite into a ball of flames. She was a lean, mean, sexual machine, and me? I looked more like a football line backer but a lot less agile. We were always hot for one another. Hell, we just about lived for one another. Neither one of us had come to our marital bed a virgin, but we found we both enjoyed the same things sexually. After trying a few other things, we settled into what for us floated our boats, and we floated those boats often.

Our only problem was my short fuse and bad temper. I, like my dad, started out taking nothing from anybody. If you crossed me there was hell to pay. I almost lost a job for chewing out one of the guys who worked under me. I didn't just chew him out, I ate him for breakfast, spit him out, and humiliated him in front of all his co-workers. My boss, who was watching my little display, pulled me into his office.

"If I EVER see another scene like that again you can find yourself a new job. I want you to go back out there and apologize to him in front of everyone. I'm telling you this, if it ever happens again, you can clean out you desk. Do you understand?" I nodded yes, and was sent out to rectify what I'd just done.

I didn't think what I had done was wrong. You needed to kick a little butt now and then to keep your men in line. However, when I started doing it with Mandy time and time again, more than shit hit the fan.

We had just had Ronnie and money was pretty tight. He got sick, the medication was expensive, and we had little to nothing left in the checking account until I got paid on Friday. When I got two bank overdraft slips, I became enraged and Mandy got the brunt of it.

Mandy was paying the bills and had overdrawn our checking account by ten dollars. We had the money in our savings account to cover it; she just hadn't had the time to get to the bank with Ronnie being sick and all. I didn't care to hear her excuses, and I laid into her.

I yelled and screamed like an insane lunatic. I think everything that had been happening at work and home finally got to me, and I took it out on Mandy. It got worse than ugly and when I called her a stupid, fucking bitch, she had enough. Tears were already flowing, but with that statement they stopped and were replaced with an anger of her own.

She tore me a new ass hole telling me I didn't know shit about what went on in our house, and if I was that dissatisfied with her I could fucking leave. I'd never heard Mandy swear in all our years together. I left in a huff and went to a tavern about two blocks from our house.

"I'll show her who's boss," I said to myself, while sloshing down a couple of brews. Looking at my watch I saw I had been gone for a couple of hours. "Looks like it's time to go back and get my apology from her." Except when I got home she wasn't there.

All the note said was that she and Ronnie had gone to her parents, and when I got my head out of my ass to call, not to come over, but call.

The next day I took care of the bank and even set up automatic overdraft protection so it wouldn't happen again. I went to work and for once didn't chew anyone out. On my way home I picked up some cut flowers and a card figuring that would solve our problems, it didn't.

I thought Mandy would be waiting for me at home, and was shocked when I found she wasn't there. I assumed she would simply get over it, like all the other times, and we'd go back to where we were before this all happened. I soon found out there was no going back.

"Hon, when are you coming home?" I asked over the phone. "You want me to come get you?" I said in a conciliatory voice.

"Steve, I'm not coming home."

"Mandy, don't talk crazy. I'm sorry about last night. I know I shouldn't have called you what I did. Why don't you let me pick you up and we can talk at home?"

"Steve, what about not coming home do you not understand? I can't live like this anymore. Walking around you on eggshells when you're in a bad mood, then getting the brunt of your anger, I just can't do it anymore." This conversation was starting to scare me.

"I'm sorry, okay? I won't do it again, I promise." She wasn't buying it.

"You said that the last time and the ten times before that. I no longer believe you. I'm sorry, Steve. I can't live like this for another day. I can't handle the verbal abuse. I have Ronnie to consider."

"Please, Mandy, I'll change," I pleaded, saying anything and everything to get her to try and listen to me.

"Words, that's all I've ever gotten from you. Sorry, that doesn't cut it anymore. Your words are just that, words. They are empty and meaningless. We need some time away from each other to see if we should even continue to be married." What I just heard made my heart drop. "I don't want to hear from you or see you for the next week. Maybe by then we'll figure out if we still want to be together."

That was the longest week of my life. My dad told me to drive over there and drag her ass home, but for once I didn't heed his advice. I knew she was right. I couldn't justify it any longer as just blowing off some steam. Three days later I called, but she refused to talk to me. I was lost without her. Hell, I didn't feel like I existed without her and Ronnie.

Eight days later I showed up at my in-laws. I didn't bring candy, flowers, or gifts, only myself. They didn't invite me in, but Mandy did come outside to talk to me.

"Well? Got your head out of your ass or do we just call it quits? I'm not coming back home to war zone again. You either learn to control that temper of yours or we're done."

I was not above groveling in order to save our marriage. "Look, hon, I know I was wrong for what I said, I admit that. And I will guarantee you it will never happen again. Please, just come home with me

"You've given me that same old song and dance before, what's different now?"

"I am. You've got my word on it. I promise it will never happen again. Have I ever lied to you?" She said nothing. We stood there just looking at one another. "Please, I can't lose you and if I have to beg, I will." She softened.

The next six months were hell. My tongue was continually bleeding from biting it instead of mouthing off, but it was worth it. Mandy was skeptical and watched me like a frigging hawk. She told me one more time and she was out of there—I believed her—I had no choice. The only thing she wanted to see was me changing, and I proved to her I could. There were no more outbursts; consequentially we ended up being that much closer. I don't know what I would have done without her. I know I wouldn't have survived my twenties without her and my children because as it turned out, we had Dawn before we even got used to having Ronnie around.

Our thirties were spent raising our two wonderful children. I was done with school, but as we often joked, Mandy was going to be a full-time student until she retired. I had a few so so jobs, before finding the one I'd waited my life for. It was challenging, paid extremely well, and was only twenty minutes from our house. I think one of the best parts of my job was that the two owners liked me. After I proved myself to them, I could do no wrong in their eyes. With them I was going somewhere.

With both kids in school, Mandy finally took a position teaching English at a local public high school. She loved teaching, but sometimes got frustrated. It seems in reality not all the students were as anxious to learn as others. When she had to give one of them a 'D' or god forbid an 'F', it about killed her. Parents were called in, tests were re-given, and even extra credit was offered, but sometimes none of the above worked and someone failed. She took it personally, like somehow she had failed. Yet she still gave it one hundred-ten percent.

In our forties, we watched our two children grow up and make so many right choices. I was proud beyond words, sitting in the auditorium, watching each graduate from high school and then college. Hell, even Mandy walked one more time when she picked up her Doctorate. Imagine, Dr. Mandy Moore, I was married to a doctor. When she got a position at the University of Minnesota she was walking on air. She was with the elite, teaching the students in the place she had always wanted.

I still made a bit more money than she did, but hell, we'd always combined our earnings. We told the kids we would help them with college, but it seemed that we were paying off all of their school loans. I really didn't mind unless I found something I wanted to buy, and Mandy said we didn't have the money. Even after that incident with the bounced checks she continued to be in charge of paying the bills and handling the money, she knew what we could and couldn't afford.

I was still deep in thought when the knock on the back door brought me back to the present. I opened the inside back door, knowing who was probably there.

"Jesus Christ, Steve, what the hell are you doing up here?" Art said, looking through our screen door.

"Come on in." I moved out of the way to let him into the kitchen.

"What are you fucking nuts, or did your lovely wife finally kick your lazy ass out?" He snickered. I did my best to go along with the joke.

"Just taking a little time for myself. I haven't been up here in the winter in forever and wanted to see what it was like again." I attempted a smile.

"Well, it's white, and damn cold, but I think you figured that out last night. At first I thought it was your son, but I knew he had more brains than to come up here this time of year. You mind if I smoke?" he asked, looking around probably for Mandy, who always told him no way, no how.

"Sure, go right ahead," I said, grabbing an old coffee cup he could use as an ashtray.

For the next two and a half hours I listened to him reminisce about his life. I had heard it all a hundred times before, but let him go on and on until he was finished. He was on the far side of seventy-five, and every year of his life was written on his rough and tattered face. He was a man lost inside himself, doing nothing more than waiting for God to take him home, so he could be with his wife again. Right now I kind of knew how he felt.

"You want to come over for dinner? I'm having fish." Shit, that's about is all he ever ate.

"Maybe tomorrow."

"How long are you going to be up here?" Art questioned me.

"Not sure, but at least until mid next week." I hadn't really given it much thought until just then.

"Well, then I'll expect you tomorrow for dinner," he said, crushing out his eighth or ninth cigarette in the cup. "Come hungry, and bring your own booze if you want any. All I've got in my place is some bourbon, and I know you hate that shit." Grinning widely, he put his jacket and hat back on. "If you want to do any ice fishing, I've still got all my stuff, even though I haven't used it in years."

"Art, I still hate the cold as much as I always have. Do you really think I'm going to go out on the lake to stare in a hole in the ice, waiting for some stupid fish to bite?" He shook his head, pulled his cap on a little tighter and headed back to his cabin. I watched him until he was safely inside his cabin door. At his age, if he fell and broke something, he'd probably freeze to death before he could drag his ass into his cabin. I skipped dinner altogether.

After six days, I was no closer to resolving my problems than I had been that first day. I was starting to get a little shack nasty, running out of things to do. I had finished all the things Mandy had wanted me to do for years. I even ended up making plans to expand the front deck overlooking the lake and maybe adding a few more outside lights. I spent hours sitting in that front room, looking out the windows at my winter wonderland. I'd like to say it helped me put my problems in perspective, but even that view wasn't enough to do that.