Roscoe

by Philip Johnson

Prologue

It's my position that cats make lousy pets. They don't come when they're called. They almost have to be declawed and kept indoors, and have a litter box that we humans have to clean. We have to feed them what they want, and pretty much when they want it. They come when they damn well feel like it and ignore us more often than not. Pet them when they aren't in the mood? Forget it, they'll just walk or run just far enough away to be out of your reach. Let's face it, they aren't the pet, we are. They tolerate us and train us, not the other way around.

Now with that said, I'll also add that there are times when all of that isn't a bad thing at all. I mean take for example Roscoe, my neighbor's cat. Well, just read on and you'll soon see just what I mean when I say they are in control of us, like it or not. This all starts at Between The Buns, a nice, but noisy restaurant in Mishawaka, Indiana, as I talk to my friend Murray.

Chapter One

"Okay Murray, what do you think about cats?"

"Never had one, but I hear they taste like frog legs, which, as you've probably heard, taste like fishy chicken."

"I see you're going to be a lot of help."

"Well if you don't like that, then use barbeque sauce."

"Shut up and listen to my story. Jodie, my neighbor has..."

"I know Jodie. Long of leg and hair and too pale for me, but she seems nice enough."

"Apparently that beer you're drinking is past your limit. Okay, so you know Jodie. She's separated from Ben, her hubby."

"What does this have to do with cats? Don't they like how cats taste either?"

I chose to ignore him because I was determined to tell him my story.

"Murray, Roscoe...that's their cat... escaped and ran over to my place the other day. Now as I was going to say before you went weird on me, that cat is very important to her. Well, when I opened my door to go out, that damn cat ran between my legs and into my house. That's where things went from bad to worse. Have you ever chased a cat through the house trying to catch them, when they have the opposite goal in mind?"

"Nope."

"I'm here to tell you, that can be nearly impossible. I had to call Jodie to come over and help me catch that damn cat."

"Glad that issue was resolved. Want another beer?"

"I'll just finish this one, but if you want another one I'll drag you out when we leave."

"You sound bitter. Did you and Jodie have a fight?"

"Hell no, but...okay, it went like this."

"Wait. Before you start, where was your girlfriend while you and Jodie weren't fighting?"

"Wendy was at work I guess, but I don't know, and that has nothing to do with this story."

"It would if she knew about Jodie."

"Damn it Murray, Jodie and I didn't do anything wrong."

"I hope Wendy believes you." I just sat back in my chair and stared at him for a second.

"I called Jodie and she came over to help me catch Roscoe and it went something like this. When Jodie came in, I told her that Roscoe was last seen behind the couch so we went to the living room. When we went in, there as proud and regal as a male lion looking over his pride, was Roscoe on the arm of my couch. Jodie just smiled and calmly walked over to Roscoe to pick him up, and that damn cat was gone like a shot, off to the kitchen and Jodie ended up knocking the lamp off of the end table as she grabbed for him. Jodie looked at me and with the thinnest of smiles apologized and we went after the cat again."

"Were either of you laughing or smiling?"

"I was trying to smile, but I don't know how well I did. So there was Roscoe under the kitchen table licking his paw and washing his face without a care in the world. He wasn't even watching us. I blocked the doorway to the dining room and Jodie went for Roscoe. That damn cat just sauntered out to her like nothing had ever happened."

Our beers were gone so I asked for the check and Murray called his girlfriend Lynn. When she answered he smiled, pushed a button on his phone and said, "Hey, it's me, how are you?"

"I'm horny."

"So if I come home mostly sober will you be mostly naked?"

"If you come home mostly sober I'll be totally naked."

"You know I'll be there hon. Anything else to share before we close this dirty call?"

"I have the camera out."

"Is this going where I think it is?"

"If you want to."

"You know I do. Oh, one more thing before I go love. I'm here with Sam and my phone has been on speaker."

"Damn you Murray, has Sam been listening to what I've been saying?"

"He's listening and drooling hon."

"I'm going to wring your neck when you get here."

I took the phone from Murray and told her, "I expect to see some of those photos you sexy woman."

"Sam, I'm going kill him."

"I'm holding my breath until I see you again hon."

"Tell Murray I said bye and to just get here."

"Bye love," and I closed the phone and handed it back.

On the way out of the restaurant Murray smiled and said, "Okay, you go back to chasing cats and I'll go home to naked Lynn."

"Up yours Murray, and you just better hope Lynn is still talking to you." With that we went our separate ways and I went home. Home only to have that damn cat slam between my legs again and race to the living room while I screamed at him. Then I called Jodie.

There was a slight edge to her voice as she asked me, "Sam, not again, how did he get in you're house?"

"The first question is, how did he get out of yours?

In an almost whining tone she told me, "I don't know, have you tried to catch him?"

"No I haven't. I was just sure you would want to share in that adventure."

"Damn it. Okay, I'll be there in a minute," and the line went dead.

When she arrived I didn't bother to try for a smile, but kept my voice friendly. "Okay, the one that catches him gets a free dinner at a restaurant compliments of the other one."

"You're on."

Roscoe had moved under the small kitchen table again, so she got on her knees and I stared at her butt as she tried to sweet talk Roscoe into coming to her. Of course, that didn't work. Instead, he moved and she grabbed for him only to send him just out of her reach, and sliding on the smooth surface, he ended up at the far end, and then raced back under the table...and just sat there looking at her. I tried to tell myself that one day, some time in the future, I would look back on this and laugh.

Jodie looked at me and then looked down and once again tried to smooth talk Roscoe into cooperating. Of course that didn't work, so as I tried to block the doorway out of the kitchen, Jodie once again showed me her shorts clad butt as she got onto her knees and cooed at Roscoe, who seemed completely at ease and unimpressed...and then all hell broke loose. Jodie lunged for Roscoe, Roscoe got away, the kitchen table tilted just enough to knock a dish to the floor and Jodie ended up on her ass in the jelly that was in that dish. She slid, Roscoe dove between my legs and escaped, and trying to get up, Jodie managed to get jelly on her hands and arms. I ran over to help Jodie and slid in the jelly and ended up close to her, but too unsteady to do anything for a minute.

I managed to get my feet under me and helped Jodie to stand up, she was so mad her face was turning red and I discovered Jodie really knew how to swear. And Roscoe? He was under the dining room table licking his paw and washing his face again.

In the meantime, Jodie was still fuming and in her anger she grabbed at her long hair that was out of control and threw it back, and in the process got jelly in her hair. Jodie stormed out with Roscoe calmly following her and I cleaned the kitchen.

About an hour later Jodie called and told me, "I'm sorry about the cat and the mess in your kitchen."

"That's okay, no major damage done."

"What was an open dish of jelly doing on your table anyway?"

"It wasn't open, it had a lid on it, but I guess I didn't have it on tight enough. I sort of forgot to put it away before I went to have dinner with Murray. I'll make sure the next time Roscoe pulls his tricks that the jelly isn't out. How's your butt?"

"My what?"

"Your butt, you landed pretty hard and right on that small bowl."

"My butt is just fine thank you."

"I agree it is, but did you bruise it?" She hung up on me. I guess she was still pretty upset about Roscoe and the jelly.

Chapter Two

All of that had happened Sunday evening, and for the next several days, things settled down. I had a chance to talk to Murray over coffee Thursday after work and he told me, "Well, Lynn wasn't so mad. In fact she was half smiling when I got there, but she kept saying things like, I can't believe you let Sam hear me talk sexy like that. Of course I couldn't stop smiling because I thought that was a riot."

"You are so lucky she's tolerant of your craziness."

"I got some photos too."

"Of course she told you to never ever share any of them."

"She told me that if there was ever any showing of them, she would do that herself."

"That's good to know, because now I can drive her crazy too."

He laughed and said, "That's what I was hoping you'd say."

So Murray wasn't in trouble and that meant I didn't have to go to Lynn and apologize on bended knee even though the phone stunt wasn't my doing.

Friday night, Wendy and I had burgers at Red Robin and then went back to my place for a glass of wine. I still wasn't sure if my Roscoe story would amuse her, but I told her anyway. "Okay so where did Roscoe end up," she asked me.

"Under the dining room table washing himself, calm as could be."

"And you were where again?"

"Still in the kitchen with my arms around Jodie." I couldn't believe I phrased it that way, but it was too late.

"What do you mean your arms around Jodie?"

"We were both still slipping on the jelly and I was trying to keep her from falling again."

"And just how long did you have to have your arms around her to protect her?"

"Oh, I don't know, five or ten minutes I guess." I smiled and then quickly added, "Just for a few seconds is all."

"You aren't very funny."

"Neither was chasing that damn cat."

"So what are you doing so it won't happen again?"

"I'm not doing anything, because it isn't my cat."

"So this could happen again."

"If she doesn't figure how Roscoe is getting out of the house I guess it could happen again if the cat decides to come visit me." Well Wendy settled down after that and the Roscoe problem wasn't brought up again.

I thought about Wendy's and my slightly edgy conversation about Roscoe as I had coffee Saturday morning. I had to admit the comment about me having my arms around Jodie didn't help matters at all, and actually that wasn't even quite accurate. I was close to her and I did have my right arm around her waist, but that was all. At that moment, Jodie was not in the mood to be cuddly or even friendly. By lunch time I made a decision and called Jodie. "Hi, do you have a minute?"

"Sure."

"I was going to come over so we could talk for a few minutes if that's okay."

"I'll be right here."

"Make sure Roscoe isn't where he can slip out when I get there."

"Of course. See you in a few minutes."

Jodie opened the door and at the same time said, "I have him trapped in the bedroom for the moment," and then closed the door behind me. I followed her in and she said she would let Roscoe out and then bring us coffee. I sat down on the couch and seconds later, the problem cat was lying next to me like we were best friends. I really did have to wonder if they tasted like frog legs or chicken.

Jodie came back and handed me a cup of coffee and stared at Roscoe. "I can't believe this. Did you invite him to come to you?"

"I didn't even look at him, but he just appeared and here he is." Jodie sat down next to me, but not too close. There never was anything special between us and I guess she wanted to make sure that wouldn't change. That didn't stop me from remembering her ass in her white shorts that ended up with grape jelly on the back. "So," and smiling without looking at her, I said, "Were you able to get the jelly out of your shorts?"

"They were ruined, so I had to throw them away."

"You sure were a mess when you left."

"Sam, I wasn't really mad at you. I was mad at Roscoe of course, but mostly I was so frustrated because I can't figure how he's getting out. For the third time I pushed on his cat door and it's still fastened shut and I know he isn't getting out between my legs when I open the door. It's like he's a magician."

"He's one slick cat, that's for sure. I told Wendy...you remember her don't you?"

"Yes, you introduced her to me maybe a month or two ago, not too long after Ben moved out."

"Right. Anyway, I told her about our catastrophe with Roscoe and the jelly thinking she might see the humor in our disaster."

"But she didn't right?"

"She got hung up when I told her I had my arms around you."

"But you didn't, or at least I don't remember that happening."

"Damn, if it did happen and you didn't remember I'd feel like a loser. But you're right, I misspoke when I told her that. I did have my right arm around you so neither of us would fall. I didn't lie, but I overstated that."

"Why?"

"I don't know why or where it came from. It just fell out of my mouth and then I had to go through twenty questions."

"All of that because you didn't put your jelly away."

"No, all of that because Roscoe has a warped sense of adventure, or a determination to make life more complicated for both of us."

"Sam, I don't know what to say. I don't want you to have to keep dealing with Roscoe, but I'm at a total loss of how to stop him from coming over there. I don't even know why he would want to do that. You don't feed him do you?"

"Of course not." Then I showed her my most friendly smile and added, "And that was the only grape jelly I had." That was a silly line, but I got a soft smile from her.

I thought that would be the end of anything to do with the cat, but that wasn't to be the case. As Jodie and I talked, Roscoe stretched and nonchalantly walked across my thighs and then settled between Jodie's thighs. He looked up at her and as we watched him, he calmly stretched his front legs and started to paw at her crotch like he was sharpening his claws that he didn't have. Jodie was shocked and we stared at him as my smile grew and I had to struggle to keep from laughing. To me it was a riot, but Jodie's face was turning crimson. She was trying not to spill her coffee and at the same time get Roscoe to stop what he was doing. I didn't want to intervene, but I finally reached over and saved Jodie. I gently put Roscoe on the floor and then looked back at Jodie and she was looking anywhere but toward me. "Damn him, he's never done that before."

I knew I was going to get into trouble, but that didn't stop me from saying, "Great, now I have to tell Wendy that I had my hands between your legs."

Jodie stopped breathing and closed her eyes as she used both hands to hold her cup. "My God Sam, did you have to say that?"

"Sorry, that wasn't appropriate."

She took a breath then and looked at me for a brief second before she tasted her coffee. It was a long and uncomfortable period of silence before she managed to look at me and say, "I can't believe you said that."

"I'm sorry Jodie. To me, at that moment, it seemed funny."

She cracked a small smile then and said, "Would you really tell Wendy that?"

"Oh I intend to yes. Of course I'll follow that with the truth, but I just can't resist stirring her up with that."

"You will be pushing your luck."

"She can take a joke."

"You hope."

Chapter Three

Wendy and I didn't really have any plans for Saturday night. I went over to her apartment and we sampled a new wine and we talked. I tried to choose a good time to bring it up and told her, "I went over and talked to Jodie about Roscoe the cat getting out, but neither of us can figure out how it's happening. She again checked the cat door, but it's fastened shut. I guess all we can do is keep trying to solve the mystery."

"Well at least you are trying."

"I better tell you though, I did have my hands between Jodie's thighs."

Wendy's face went as red as I'd ever seen it and she almost choked on her wine as she tried to put the glass down. I guess she didn't see me smile so I quickly added, "I better tell you the whole story though," and I did. She didn't see that story as the least bit funny either. I wasn't doing very well at all. I finally got her settled down, but I left soon after that even though I really did like the new wine.

I had Sunday to myself to do...I didn't know what, but at least the day was mine. I waited until almost noon to check my email and I had one from Murray. "No pictures from Lynn, but in the meantime, here's one for ya. I found her on one of the amateur sites and knew you could appreciate her...physique." I scanned down and there was some nicely shaped naked woman with her back to the camera. She was on her toes and her arms were folded over her head. Very nice ass and legs and I quickly sent back a reply to Murray saying just that.

Then I added, "If you find anymore of her, I wouldn't mind seeing them."

I didn't get anymore emails from Murray or visits from Roscoe until Thursday after work. No email, but I had inherited Roscoe again. It had been just long enough that I forgot to watch for that damn cat before I opened my door. I called Jodie, but she wasn't home so I just left her a message to call me. It was after seven before she called and said, "Damn it Sam, don't tell me again."

"He's on the back of my sofa and smiling at me."

"Smiling?"

"Well maybe more like he looks smug.

"Oh God. Is the jelly put away?"

I laughed and told her, "Oh yeah."

"Did you open the door to see if he would leave on his own?"

"Yes, but he's not interested."

She sighed and said, "Okay, give me a minute to change and I'll be over."

When Jodie arrived I had to smile. Her shorts were made by cutting off the legs of a pair of baggy sweatpants, and they were cut fairly short. "Okay," I said as I openly stared at her. "I see you're not risking anymore of your clothes this time."

She didn't smile, but came in saying, "You're right, this time I'm taking no chances of something going wrong."

When Roscoe saw her, he calmly dropped down from his perch on my couch and sauntered over under an end table and settled down to watch us in seeming indifference. "Sam, just look at him over there. He looks like he's king of the castle lying there with his front paws tucked into him."

"Let's face it, he is king, no matter if he's home or here. He certainly is controlling us anyway. Would you like a cup of coffee before we chase him around the house?"

"I better pass, but thank you."

"Okay, then I guess it's time to see what happens, but I doubt that we'll get him while he's under that little table. He'll just scoot behind the couch. I know, let's see if we can get him into the hallway. At least there are fewer places for him to hide in the bedrooms or bathrooms, and we can close the door and corner him."

"Anything is better than the slippery kitchen floor, so let's try that." It was like he knew we were talking about him, because he straightened up and watched us. "Sam, I'll see if I can just go to him first. Just maybe he'll behave himself for a change. He's so loving at home and I just don't understand what's gotten into him. He manages to get over here and then he wants nothing to do with either of us."